Should the numbers on a scale, or a BMI index dictate what we are really like? Like how happy we are, or if we are a good person? Should it dictate what we do with our lives? Or perhaps who we should go out with or marry? Seems to be a ridiculous thought right? Then why do so many people let those stupid numbers do that to their lives? Society says that if we are overweight, we are unhappy because of that person who didn't want to date us when we're heavy. Society makes the need to be skinny important, when it really should be about how healthy we are. There are plenty of men and women who are just bigger people. Big boned, or genetics. Whatever it is, they will never be on GQ's cover.
I've never been what normal people would consider "fat". However, I've never been what society deems an "ideal girl". I'm not skinny, nor have i ever been. I've always had a bit of junk in my trunk and been short. According to an ideal weight scale, i am right in between overweight and obese. Now, i know I'm not obese, but the scale says that if i gained 2 more pounds i would be, so is it wrong? I mean, i don't weigh 110 pounds, which is what i should weigh according to this to
ideal scale...good lord! People would think i had an eating disorder if i weighed 110 pounds! No offense to people who do weigh that much, but for me...i don't think that would be a good look.
I've decided that i want to eat healthier. I've gained some weight in recent months, and I'm just done. I can't handle one more gained pound!! But it's for me. Not because of my BMI number and despite what those numbers on the scale read, i am happy. But I've always kind of struggled with my weight. Maybe "struggled" isn't the right word. It's not like i was always dieting, but i guess i gained and lost for a lot of years. I never got much higher than my "comfort" weight. And my comfort weight never really bothered me. It wasn't terrible. And it didn't show. It was always nice when i would open up to a friend (ok, so it was one friend. One time. I never talk about how much i weigh in respect to actual numbers), and she looked at me and said, "REALLY?! WHERE?!" I admit, i think most of my weight is in my ass, and I'm ok with that, but now it's oozing to other parts of my body and I'm certainly not ok with THAT. Plus my favorite clothes don't fit as well or at all anymore, and I'm DEFINITELY not ok with that either!! This awakening occurred recently as we have a beach trip coming up in about 10 days. While i know that I'm not going to loose enough in 10 days to look like i want to in a bathing suite, ya gotta start somewhere.
Ok, so back to my ass....i don't want to generalize, but on the west
coast, guys seemed much more into boobs than asses. They didn't seem to
like the fact that i had a butt and didn't have gigantic boobs. It was
always, "Can't you loose some weight? Your ass is huge!", "Too bad you
can't move some of that from your ass to your breasts" or similar
commentary. Nice for a girls self esteem i must say. And i always hated
the fact i had a bubbly butt. Until i moved to the south. God bless
southern men! I just have to say!! Since moving here, I never dated or was friends with a
guy who didn't like my ass, and would compliment it often! The jeans i
buy do help with the decor of it...i like cool pockets, because if
they're looking at my ass anyway, a fun pocket might as well compliment
it. Enter Brooks 2 1/2 years ago. There isn't a day that goes by where
he doesn't slap my butt. And i know...this is a weird thing to talk
about, but honestly, it's always been a boost for me. Because i spent
the first 30 years of my life being told that it was too big, to loose
weight to shrink it, or some other degrading thing about it. But (no pun
intended) it's part of my body. And actually, probably the part of my
body that I like the most. It's not flabby, nor overly firm, it doesn't
jiggle all over the place...just enough, looks fantastic in a pair of
jeans or leggings, and gives my waist definition (when i am at a normal
weight). It's what Sir Mix A Lot would call a "
juicy double". Lol! This
isn't my own opinion, but I've been told.
I started these changes this past Monday. I decided to limit my junk food for one. I love my junk food! Cookies, Cheetos, chips, ice cream...you name it! But that's part of the problem. I can't exist on crap anymore. Apparently I'm too old to eat like i am 20 still, and my metabolism, while it kicked up a notch when i turned 30 for a few years, it's taken a down turn. I also cut out simple carbs, like pasta and bread...two big weaknesses for me. Also, limiting the amount of sugary items, as well as processed foods and some gluten. However, i haven't given up my beer yet...that'll come later. One thing at a time.
The last 15 pounds that I've gained are from this past February. We went through some ...we'll call it "stuff", and fell into a pretty dark depression for several months. I could barely get off the couch and turned to my new BFF, Ben & Jerry's for about a week. I lived in my sweats, and at the time, could barely get up long enough to shower twice a week. It was bad. But that's where those pounds came from. And now, now that I've gotten past it, and dealt with it, I'm struggling with those pounds gained. They got to go!!
I need more veggies in my life. And i love veggies!! When i was single and lived alone, i would roast veggies for dinner. That was it. I didn't need a piece of meat on my plate too. I was good with just the veggies. But Brooks isn't what i would call a veggie lover. He hates tomatoes, onions that are cut too big, cooked carrots are a rare thing, he likes corn, but won't eat corn pudding or corn chowder, he hates zucchini, squash, brussel sprouts, mixed veggies, peas....his list is pretty long on what he doesn't like. His go-to veggies are green beans (i swear, if he cooked more, we'd have them with everything!) asparagus, broccoli on occasion and corn. He'll eat a "salad" but salads in the south are different. It's mainly lettuce and maybe a grate of carrot here and there. Plus dressing.
I'm from Oregon, so i know veggies and salads, and meals centered around produce. When i make salads at home i make them with red leaf lettuce or romaine (NEVER iceberg!!), hard boiled egg, edamame,, carrots, pumpkin seeds, tomatoes, zucchini or squash, cauliflower, cucumber on occasion, avocado, and any other veggie that i might have around. When i make a salad, i don't play. But then, salads like these were pretty standard back home when you went out to eat. Damn near anywhere that wasn't a big chain, had amazing salads!!
Anyway, so eating better is my top priority. Two days down, and so far, it's gone well. Monday i made baked chicken, and i had half a sweet potato and sauteed brussel sprouts. On Brooks' plate, he had his chicken along side parmesan noodles and of course...green beans. Last night i tried 2 new recipes. I made a stuffed "flank" steak, Italian "Swiss Chard", and my edamame succotash. A SUPER heavy veggie meal. And to my shock and aww, Brooks actually liked it! I'll say it again...he LIKED the "Swiss Chard"!!!! WHAT?! You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said he'd eat it again!! I waited until he told me he did like it, to tell him i made it with kale instead of the Swiss chard. It was cheaper. But SOOOOO good!! Omg! I'm excited to make it again! Super tasty!! The stuffed "flank" steak i made with a top round steak instead of the flank, as the flanks i found were just to spendy for one meal this week. But it turned out great!!
There's a weird following of folks out there who think that kale is gross. But just like
brussel sprouts, and any other veggie...it all depends on how it's
cooked! Check out one of my very favorite comedians Jim Gaffigan and his take on what he calls the "
kale propaganda". Too funny! Sorry Jim, but i actually like kale. And collards too...and sauteed spinach! It's all in the way ya cook it!
Part of my new "awakening" is to also exercise on a regular basis again. Once upon a time i was what you'd call a 'gym rat'. And during that time, while i wasn't ripped by any means, i looked good! I had gotten down to a number that i hadn't seen since high school!! I joined this awesome gym back in Eugene. It was close to home, and had separate workout rooms (which was AWESOME) for men and women. I got to the point where I'd kinda live there. I'd go 7 days a week for 90 minutes or more. I'd do a warm up on the elliptical, hit the weights, and then a cool-down. I found that I'm the type of person who has to work out daily or i won't do it. Like that "one day off" will turn into...lets see now...5 years off. 5 YEARS!!!! Ugh.
I've started walking. Or trying to, every other day. While it's not as much as I'd like to be doing, it's a start. Monday i got my workout gear on and took to the street. Oh wait...that sounds bad. Not like
that, but in an exercise kind of way. A half mile from our apartment there's a park with a kickball field, and a dirt track that wraps around it. It also has some bars for chin ups, dips, and leg presses, among other items that I'm not really sure what they're for. 3.7 laps is 1 mile. So i walked down there, did 4 laps and some step-ups on a bench as well as some inclined push ups and walked home. On the way home, i seriously felt like shit. I think i did a bit much considering where I'm at physically right now. Perhaps my pace was more than it should have been? I don't know. But i made it home...despite the times i wanted to sit on the sidewalk and take a nap. Yesterday i felt it. I can still feel it. My knees are killing me, and I'm still struggling a little with my hip (I've been having some pain in my hips for the past few months...could be the weight gain, could be arthritis, maybe both. I'm not really sure). So right now, I'm trying the every other day thing, until i can get back into a little better shape to go everyday.
After writing most of this i went for my walk. I tried finding a new place to go, as i tend to get bored with the same scenery, and since it's a new town, i figured it would be good to explore. So i drove to this little park my friend Ginny showed me. It has a carousel and rides for kids as well as a playground. Sadly, there weren't any walking trails. So i went back to my regular place. Walked the track. Attempted to do some inclined push ups, but my shoulder wasn't having it. I did extra step-ups though, so that's something. But around the second lap in, i saw them. Two young skinny girls. Probably all of 18. Walking, giggling, and pausing to take selfies. Hung upside down on some bars...more selfies. I passed them as they were taking some more by the monkey bars, to do the first round of step-ups. I heard them laugh as they walked by. I didn't pay much attention to it, and went about my biz. But after i was done i wasn't far behind them. This is where it got ugly. As they strolled they continued their giggling and at one point the blond girl looked back at me laughing and then stumbled into her friend as her head whipped back around. Were they laughing at me? Why? Because i wasn't stopping ever 10 feet to take selfies, or because i was there to
actually work out and get into shape? It made me feel badly about myself. And perhaps it's all a misunderstanding. But as I've been carrying around extra weight, I've noticed something. I feel like everywhere i go, i keep thinking people are staring at me.
Like they have nothing else better to do? I know right! But I've become very uncomfortable in my own skin lately. It sucks. Not that I've ever had a great amount of self esteem or anything, but it was a lot better a couple years ago than it is now.
I guess i just need to remember why i want to do this overhaul. Not for some skinny bitches at the park, to fit into societies "skinny girl" expectation, or for the numbers on the
ideal weight chart to match what i actually weigh. But, for me.
