Most women who've had at least one child know, when you're pregnant, ya tend to have some strange dreams. I don't know about you, but my dreams can kind of freak me out as is, let alone when I'm pregnant!! You know...ya never know what they really mean. They're so cryptic. Then there's the "maybe it's your subconscious trying to tell you something...." stance. I don't need that in my life! I am pretty in-tune with my body as is. I don't need another "thing" trying to tell me stuff. Just send me a text!!
At the end of this week, will mark our 5th month, and in the past 5 months, I've had some weird dreams. None that i can recall now however. Though I'm trying just for the purpose of this post. But alas. To no avail. But that brings us to last night.
Most of the time i can't remember my dreams. I'll remember them for a few moments after i wake up. But then they're gone. Poof!! Or I'll remember bits and pieces, but not enough to actually get to piece all together to remember what the dream was. Last night i woke up around 2:30 or so...maybe it was later. But the dream i had was WEIRD!!
I dreamt that my muscles in my belly had ripped open, but that tear didn't open my outside belly. So i wasn't bleeding. It was from my first c-section and instead of a horizontal cut, he cut me vertically on the inside (they used to do that) and that inside cut had ripped open, unbeknownst to me. Well the baby thought it was time to go and she was trying to get out. As if she's in a cage or something? And i looked down and her tiny arm and chubby little leg were sticking out of my belly button!! AHHH!!! I kept trying to keep my hand over her little limbs so i wouldn't freak Brooks out, but i knew he was going to see that and panic. I just needed to push her back in. But i didn't know how she was situated, so i felt like i needed to go to the doc for help. She could just go down my throat and pull her back inside, stitch me up and no one would be the wiser. (WHAT?!) Because sure...that's how the human body works. But Brooks, because he loves to rub my baby bump, found her limbs sticking out. I had put lotion on my belly, but was misting her with a water bottle to keep her moist. (HU?!) Brooks was surprisingly calm. At this point in the dream, i knew it was a dream, as Brooks would NOT be calm if our daughter was poking out of my tummy!! But i was freaking out!! He was just sitting in his recliner, with his phone in his hand, starring at me like i had lost my mind. I kept touching her little foot and then hysterically said, "But if she's born before 24 weeks, she'll die!!! What should we do?!" I can tell you...don't just sit there misting her with a water bottle!! That's when i woke up.
Umm...HELLO?! There's SO much wrong with this that i just can't even! That's it. I just can't even. To date, i think this has to be the weirdest dream I've had so far!!
Of course the "maybe it's your subconscious..." has kicked in and now I'm wondering why i had such a messed up dream, one that i REALLY hope NOT to repeat. Personally, i just think it's just from my round ligament pain I've been dealing with for the last 3 months. That makes the most sense. And perhaps it has something to do with the fact that we aren't sure how my first doc did the c-section 17 years ago because the office and hospital back home tossed out my medical records. I do know I shouldn't worry too much about it. It's a dream. Nothing more. Baby is A-OK though, and is moving around this morning. Maybe last night she was kicking my belly button and that helped induce the dream? The night before i do remember i had my hand on my belly and felt her moving around (of course in my sleep, so i don't really remember) and had some strange dream about her being in an alien ship in there...sooo....yea.
At least I'll have something funny to tell my doc tomorrow instead of asking a million panicked questions! :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
The Good, Bad...the Uncomfortable
I know i have a lot of mommy, and mommy-to-be friends who will agree...pregnancy is TOUGH!!! Not for everyone of course. If you're in that second group, count your lucky stars and be thankful!! Truth be told, pregnancy isn't for everyone. I know a good many women who HATED being pregnant, but love being a mom. To each their own. I say it's no big deal to hate the process. I mean really. It's not. As long as you're not doing any harm to your body or baby, it's fine to feel how you feel.
After all the struggles we had to get pregnant, and STAY pregnant, i refuse to complain about being pregnant. At all. I know how terribly lucky i am to be getting this opportunity. Not all women are so lucky. So no. I won't complain about it. But i will talk about some of the rough points. At the end, i put my Pollyanna spin on it, because at the end of this journey, all that matters is having a healthy baby.
1) Baby Bump: I started showing really early this time. They say that everyone is different (du) and that each pregnancy is different. So even if you've had 10 kids, pregnancy 11 could throw you for a loop. Well this isn't my first rodeo. Even though i had 3 early miscarriages, they count as being pregnant. So this isn't my first rodeo by any stretch. And i kinda figured I'd show early, especially since i didn't have a 6 pack to begin with. But didn't realize it'd be SO early! Lol!! With my son, i started showing about 3 months. Like, my jeans were tight and i couldn't button them. But this time...by 3 months, i looked like i was 5. But I'm so happy to have a bump, that i rock it on a daily basis. Even when i don't leave the house. Why? Because I'm happy and PROUD that my body is nurturing this baby and doing it's job. So i don't complain about how my belly blobs out when i sit down, and the bump is way cuter when i stand up. I don't complain about how HORRIBLY itchy my skin is 24/7. And i don't complain about how all of my clothes (all pregnancy clothes btw) are uncomfortable and i hate leaving the house, because i will be forced to pull up my pants 287 times that afternoon. I might say it matter a fact, but i won't complain. Because i recognize how precious this journey is. And how happy it's made me to get to go on it again!
2) Gas, Bloating & Constipation: All the books discuss this. It is a thing. A bold, uncomfortable and wretched, take no prisoners type of thing. The books actually talk about how bloating is one of the reasons women can show early. So while i did start showing early, a portion of that was bloat. Probably still is i imagine. Pregnancy throws off your whole schedule. Err...morning schedule that is. Most pregnant women can poop around the clock and it isn't just once a day. It can be multiple times a day. Add to that constipation that can last for DAAAAAYS!! Oh lord almighty! It's horrendously uncomfortable!! And the best part? Because your pregnant, ya can't take a laxative to help! I actually had a friend suggest that recently. Ummm...no! But again...i don't complain when these symptoms hit. I just grin and bear it. Eat some prunes (who doesn't love a prune?!), and try to up my fiber intake.
3) Skin: Oh my beautiful skin!! Or it was. Once. BP...before pregnancy. The up side is that it will get better. But right now, it's like i don't know my skin at all. Like all my internal bits have been poured into another skin suit. Zits, bumps, DRYNESS like the Sahara desert, itchy belly, breasts and scalp. Personally, i find the itching about the worst symptom I've dealt with so far. Yes, even worse than the constipation. I'd happily trade it for something else. If my skin would stop itching all day long no matter how much moisturizer i apply, I'd take nausea back...I'd be content with that. I have remedies for that. But again...not complaining. I'm just saying. And i tend to try to think that there's something to that old wives tale that claims when you're pregnant with a daughter, she steals mommy's beauty.
4) Shots: So when women are pregnant, it's pretty standard to get a few shots. Normally a flu shot is the big one, possibly a tetanus shot, and I've been told by my pharmacist that i need to get...something towards the end of my pregnancy to help baby. But with me, because I'm high risk and "advance maternal age", and also at risk for preterm labor (my son was 6 weeks early), it was suggested that i get a shot once a week in my ass cheek to help prolong pregnancy and ward off preterm labor. I would do anything to not have to go through the NICU experience again, so that was an easy decision for me/us. So i do that. Once a week i drive 45 minutes one way to my doctors office, wait for 20 minutes (at least) for a nurse to come get me, and stick me in the cheek with the biggest needle known to man, and inject an oil solution mixed with progesterone that takes FOREVER to go into the skin because it's super thick, and then wait for her to rub the spot on my ass cheek with her thumb so that it doesn't clot, then put a band-aid over it, and on my merry little way i go. Then i wait. About 4 hours later the horrendous nausea kicks in. And it's something that there aren't words to describe how horrible it makes me feel. I mean, I've had the flu on more than one occasion, been sick from drinking, and been crazy sick from food poisoning, as well as morning sickness. But NOTHING EVER LIKE THIS!!!! There just isn't anything i could compare it to. And apparently, in the history of my doc's office of them giving this to women, I'm one of the only one's to ever experience this side effect. Lucky me. At one of the many doctors appointments i had with my other group (i have a few docs in different specialties that i see), they suggested i ask about a anti-nausea medication the next time i went in for it. So i asked the nurse. Who kinda freaked out when i told her my symptoms and why i felt i needed something for it, and she didn't want to give me my injection. I reiterated it to her numerous times that i didn't care how sick it made me, if it was helping my baby, that's all that i cared about, so let's get the show on the road and be done with it. She was still hesitant. It took some further convincing. But i finally got the shot, and two different meds for nausea. And that week, i didn't get the horrendous nausea. I got some, but not enough to warrant medication. But again...medication or not...and nausea or not, i get the shot anyway because even one extra day is better than losing a day. Anything i can do to keep my bun IN the oven, and baking a bit longer is more than worth it to me.
5) Mood: No, not mood swings, but just general mood. I never expected in a million years, that I'd turn into such a biotch. I didn't see this one coming actually. Maybe because we had wanted this for SOOOOO long, or that this is what i had been dreaming about forever. So when my regular tone with people seemed a bit...off, i finally noticed it. My longer fuse with people was now terribly short! And i became super blunt about things!! One day in January we had gone to a furniture store to look for a new couch. To compare prices, though it was the only store we have gone to at this point. The girl who was "helping" us really just pissed me off the second we walked in. She followed us around the damn store!! I refrained (surprisingly) from telling her to go away, but i did try to out walk her. Or go a different direction than one she was leading us in. She kept suggesting the ugliest and most uncomfortable couches! And i didn't hide my opinions about them. I flat out told her if i thought it was ugly, or horrible to sit on. More than once. And it's been like that since. I do try to bite my tongue a bit, or say things a bit more careful, but it doesn't seem to help. What's crazy is that my tone doesn't sound bitchy. It's just how i say stuff. I can hear it. But i can't seem to help it. My doc said it's hormones, and that i should return to normal after delivery. I find that i get really bad when people tell us what we need to be doing with our baby, or how to parent, or what to buy or not buy, or just general unsolicited advice. Because let's face it...a woman announces she's pregnant, suddenly everyone who's anyone wants to tell you how it's done. Suddenly everyone is a freakin child rearing expert. Just.....shut up and get me a cookie.
6) Tiredness: Still. Being tired is normal during the 1st trimester. But they said it would subside by the second trimester. I'm well into the second trimester and am still exhausted. I take a nap on a daily basis. Normally about an hour, sometimes 2 hours depending on how horribly i slept the night before. Which seems to be a thing as well. And it's all very normal. Not sleeping well at night. Though, the reasons they list in the books aren't accurate for me yet. Like I'm not terribly uncomfortable yet, and baby isn't using my ribs as a punching bag yet. I personally think that my not sleeping very well is a precursor to what having a new born again will be like. Perhaps a psychological thing. And though i'm always tired, (like right now...it's almost nap time and I've yawned 4 times just typing this paragraph) again...i don't complain about it. It just is what it is. Matter a fact. Big deal. Lot's of people are tired. I know I'm not alone. But i do take those naps when i can. Some days of course i can't, and i deal. I just tend to hit my pillow for the night at 9:30 pm instead of 11 pm. Actually, we went to bed at 9:30 pm one Friday night a couple weeks ago. Yup. We are exciting people!! ;)
7) Diabetes & Pregnancy: So this isn't something that every mama-to-be has to deal with. But I'm type 1 diabetic. So my blood sugars are the BIGGEST issue that i deal with during pregnancy. Trying to regulate my blood sugars to be well under 200 ALL. THE. TIME has been difficult. I won't lie. I test about 8-12 times a day. Roughly every two hours. My OB wants my sugars to be at 140 or lower 2 hours after i eat. My endocrinologist says that as long as I'm not above 200 for numerous hours at a time, baby is fine. So we have some disagreement there. I get it. But it stresses me out. So i try to do what my OB asks as she's focusing on this 9 months, and my endo...my entire life. They have different pictures. If you don't know much about diabetes, it's complicated as to why that's a horrendously difficult request. Basically i have to take a crap ton of insulin to keep it there. But since i have an insulin pump, it's made it MUCH easier. And I'm actually really happy and PROUD to report that my sugars have NEVER been better than they are right now!! But pump or not, it's still very difficult.
Diabetes and pregnancy isn't a great combo. Not to say that diabetic women can't have healthy babies, but it makes everything in pregnancy more difficult. For one if your sugars are too high, baby can be very large and not able to be delivered vaginally, among other things. It puts you at a higher risk for everything and baby too!! Higher risk for complications, mental issues, deformities, heart problems...there's a massive list! So that can be terrifying. But add to that docs (perhaps not your regular OB) who don't know you from a can of paint, who preach, preach, PREACH to you and try to terrify you about how your sugar that one morning of 218 (for some reason you're not sure of, because let's face it...diabetes isn't black and white or cut and dry. It's COMPLICATED and not a perfect science no matter what you do!!) is going to cause harm to the baby within your belly. My doc has assured me that before i start doing the rotation of docs (they send you to all the docs in the practice over a 2 month period of appointments so you can at least meet them all once just in case they're on call the day you deliver) she will have a meeting with them all to basically say, "Cool your shit, and don't hound her!! She's ON IT!!" Which i am. I'm one of the few diabetic patients she has that actually gives a crap, and is doing everything i can to bring my sugars down and more level. I went to the dentist ( i HATE the dentist!!) for a cleaning, a filling, and a chip repair one day. Then the next day i went to the eye doctor (diabetics are supposed to go once a year if there are no complications). She said she doesn't have many patients who care enough to actually go. And she didn't even have to ask me to go to those appointments.
When you're pregnant, the body becomes more resistant to the insulin that you are getting in your body. So even though I'm getting a bunch of insulin, and in reality should be having crazy low numbers, I'm not. I'm normal. Which is nice. But as the pregnancy progresses, my sugars will go up if i continue to take the same amount of insulin. Hence: insulin resistance. So the insulin amount has to go up as the pregnancy progresses. And unfortunately it's a guessing game. Again...not a perfect science. But it's a constant battle during pregnancy.
That's the nutshell version. Like i said...diabetes is SUPER COMPLICATED. So it's hard to explain in detail if you don't know 1000% what I'm talking about.
So...not that I'm complaining about having to test so many times a day for baby, or making sure i take all my insulin for things i eat so my sugars don't skyrocket for baby. It's a very good thing!! And I'm glad, no...scratch that. ELATED that my sugars are doing SO well this time!! I'm very hopeful that she'll be a normal size and not 6 weeks early!! It's actually a very good thing for us both!! But if i was going to complain about anything, I'd complain about the disease making my pregnancy harder. I think that's fair.
8) Food: We all know the tale of the husband running out to the car, in his PJ's, throwing a long coat on, running out to the car in his slippers and flying down to the store to grab ice cream and pickles for his pregnant wife in the middle of the night. Yea, yea, yea. First...i want to meet the woman (women) who actually mix those two things together!! I think it's much more likely that they've been smokin something, and aren't pregnant. That's just my theory.
Food has been interesting. There have been a LOT of days where nothing sounds good and so i wind up eating a bowl or cereal or having a PB & J for dinner instead of the chicken and veggies that we prepared. Veggies have been a sore subject for me the past few months. I can't stand most of them. And in real life i LOVE me some veggies!! Like i love almost all of them!! But right now...i hate most of them. I can still stomach potatoes and sweet potatoes. And i can eat frozen veggies. But nothing out of a can, and fresh veggies are fleeting. Just no. Brooks has been very concerned about that. Usually he's the veggie hater, not me. And with baby, i NEED to be getting some veggies. I've had to hide them in food. Like making lasagna or my meat loaf (it's to die for!!) and "tricking" myself into eating them. I did talk to my doc as i'm worried baby is going to come out as a PB & J sandwich or a bagel, and she said not to worry too much. It's about survival during pregnancy.
My cravings haven't been too out there, but at times i just want all the food. I've had cravings for Frosted Flakes (and my cravings are specific!!) and we had to go out the night a big ice storm was to hit us, to go obtain these flakes. Fruit was my favorite craving so far!! One morning i had a massive plate of fruit for breakfast. All fresh, and delicious!!! Loaded tater tots, small cherry pies (the hand pies in the wrapper you can get for $1), Cheese It's, Tomato Soup, Baked goods...I've kept a list of my cravings per week to put in my pregnancy journal at some point. I find them funny. A lot of them i don't act on, but some i do. Especially the ones that keep showing up. Even if they aren't too beneficially nutritious. I'll indulgence. Just not everyday. I can't eat olives or pickles...or anything with a lot of vinegar. Certain foods don't hit my palette very well, so i don't eat them. If i try to force myself, which I've tried to do on several occasions for the benefits that the broccoli and chicken would have for baby, it turns my stomach and i feel sick. So that's a no go. I don't do that anymore.
But then there's the list of things i know i can't eat, or i need to limit. Sushi for one! Ugh. Sushi. I want some spider rolls so bad i can't see straight!! Or smoked salmon!! AHH!!! I told Brooks that after we are released from the hospital, my first stop is Lox, Stock and Bagel to go get a smoked salmon, cream cheese, red onion and tomato bagel before we head home with baby!! :) Most things don't bother me much. It's not forever. Besides, it's for a VERY excellent cause!!
9) Medications: Any OTC medication is a mixed bag. My doctors office gave me a list of all the safe meds i can take that won't hurt baby and are perfectly safe during pregnancy. But there are some that i question. Like Robitussin. That just seems weird to me that it's fine. But then...with everything we've been through to get to this point, I just don't like risking it. So that Tylenol that i know is fine, i wait until I'm at my whits end before i take it. The nausea medication i have (both of them) i won't take until i feel like I'm on death's door step. I just don't like taking meds for things that might go away on their own if i can help it when I'm pregnant. It's just not worth the risk to me. Some folks just don't understand that. They don't have to. I wouldn't wish that knowledge on anyone.
10) The NO's: Oh the list of no's. It's long. Soft cheeses, processed meat that's not heated to 165 degrees first (so no cold sandwiches), runny eggs, raw eggs (no cookie dough), regular coffee (which isn't a big deal for me as i gave it up 2 years ago when we got pregnant the first time, and was never able to go back to regular...*sigh*, so that's not pregnancy related for me), cigarettes (which has been the BEST thing for us!! We both quit and haven't looked back! The smell alone is enough to make us both start heaving!!), caffeinated soda (i miss Sun Drop), alcohol (which i don't miss...just the smell of it on someone else makes me want to hurl)...there's other stuff too. And while it was exhausting at first to remember everything, i got used to it and it's easy-peasy now. And i really don't miss much of it. Aside from the smoked salmon bagel. ;)
I'm sure there are more things to mention, but that's the 10 that stick out. But here's the thing...ALL of this..all of the uncomfortable stuff, the pain in the ass blood sugar issues, the food i miss, the No's...all of it is SO beyond worth it!! At the end of this journey, we'll be holding a beautiful baby in our arms. And it's thanks to this list that we'll be able to do that. Because my body, like any other mother's body, has gone through an incredible process to help take 2 very tiny cells, and build them into a little person who will have the best parts of each of us within her. A little person who we've been waiting patiently to meet, and kiss and cry tears of joy over. A little person that has not only our hearts, but our souls wrapped around her.
I really hope it's not this bad for anyone!!
After all the struggles we had to get pregnant, and STAY pregnant, i refuse to complain about being pregnant. At all. I know how terribly lucky i am to be getting this opportunity. Not all women are so lucky. So no. I won't complain about it. But i will talk about some of the rough points. At the end, i put my Pollyanna spin on it, because at the end of this journey, all that matters is having a healthy baby.
1) Baby Bump: I started showing really early this time. They say that everyone is different (du) and that each pregnancy is different. So even if you've had 10 kids, pregnancy 11 could throw you for a loop. Well this isn't my first rodeo. Even though i had 3 early miscarriages, they count as being pregnant. So this isn't my first rodeo by any stretch. And i kinda figured I'd show early, especially since i didn't have a 6 pack to begin with. But didn't realize it'd be SO early! Lol!! With my son, i started showing about 3 months. Like, my jeans were tight and i couldn't button them. But this time...by 3 months, i looked like i was 5. But I'm so happy to have a bump, that i rock it on a daily basis. Even when i don't leave the house. Why? Because I'm happy and PROUD that my body is nurturing this baby and doing it's job. So i don't complain about how my belly blobs out when i sit down, and the bump is way cuter when i stand up. I don't complain about how HORRIBLY itchy my skin is 24/7. And i don't complain about how all of my clothes (all pregnancy clothes btw) are uncomfortable and i hate leaving the house, because i will be forced to pull up my pants 287 times that afternoon. I might say it matter a fact, but i won't complain. Because i recognize how precious this journey is. And how happy it's made me to get to go on it again!
2) Gas, Bloating & Constipation: All the books discuss this. It is a thing. A bold, uncomfortable and wretched, take no prisoners type of thing. The books actually talk about how bloating is one of the reasons women can show early. So while i did start showing early, a portion of that was bloat. Probably still is i imagine. Pregnancy throws off your whole schedule. Err...morning schedule that is. Most pregnant women can poop around the clock and it isn't just once a day. It can be multiple times a day. Add to that constipation that can last for DAAAAAYS!! Oh lord almighty! It's horrendously uncomfortable!! And the best part? Because your pregnant, ya can't take a laxative to help! I actually had a friend suggest that recently. Ummm...no! But again...i don't complain when these symptoms hit. I just grin and bear it. Eat some prunes (who doesn't love a prune?!), and try to up my fiber intake.
3) Skin: Oh my beautiful skin!! Or it was. Once. BP...before pregnancy. The up side is that it will get better. But right now, it's like i don't know my skin at all. Like all my internal bits have been poured into another skin suit. Zits, bumps, DRYNESS like the Sahara desert, itchy belly, breasts and scalp. Personally, i find the itching about the worst symptom I've dealt with so far. Yes, even worse than the constipation. I'd happily trade it for something else. If my skin would stop itching all day long no matter how much moisturizer i apply, I'd take nausea back...I'd be content with that. I have remedies for that. But again...not complaining. I'm just saying. And i tend to try to think that there's something to that old wives tale that claims when you're pregnant with a daughter, she steals mommy's beauty.
4) Shots: So when women are pregnant, it's pretty standard to get a few shots. Normally a flu shot is the big one, possibly a tetanus shot, and I've been told by my pharmacist that i need to get...something towards the end of my pregnancy to help baby. But with me, because I'm high risk and "advance maternal age", and also at risk for preterm labor (my son was 6 weeks early), it was suggested that i get a shot once a week in my ass cheek to help prolong pregnancy and ward off preterm labor. I would do anything to not have to go through the NICU experience again, so that was an easy decision for me/us. So i do that. Once a week i drive 45 minutes one way to my doctors office, wait for 20 minutes (at least) for a nurse to come get me, and stick me in the cheek with the biggest needle known to man, and inject an oil solution mixed with progesterone that takes FOREVER to go into the skin because it's super thick, and then wait for her to rub the spot on my ass cheek with her thumb so that it doesn't clot, then put a band-aid over it, and on my merry little way i go. Then i wait. About 4 hours later the horrendous nausea kicks in. And it's something that there aren't words to describe how horrible it makes me feel. I mean, I've had the flu on more than one occasion, been sick from drinking, and been crazy sick from food poisoning, as well as morning sickness. But NOTHING EVER LIKE THIS!!!! There just isn't anything i could compare it to. And apparently, in the history of my doc's office of them giving this to women, I'm one of the only one's to ever experience this side effect. Lucky me. At one of the many doctors appointments i had with my other group (i have a few docs in different specialties that i see), they suggested i ask about a anti-nausea medication the next time i went in for it. So i asked the nurse. Who kinda freaked out when i told her my symptoms and why i felt i needed something for it, and she didn't want to give me my injection. I reiterated it to her numerous times that i didn't care how sick it made me, if it was helping my baby, that's all that i cared about, so let's get the show on the road and be done with it. She was still hesitant. It took some further convincing. But i finally got the shot, and two different meds for nausea. And that week, i didn't get the horrendous nausea. I got some, but not enough to warrant medication. But again...medication or not...and nausea or not, i get the shot anyway because even one extra day is better than losing a day. Anything i can do to keep my bun IN the oven, and baking a bit longer is more than worth it to me.
5) Mood: No, not mood swings, but just general mood. I never expected in a million years, that I'd turn into such a biotch. I didn't see this one coming actually. Maybe because we had wanted this for SOOOOO long, or that this is what i had been dreaming about forever. So when my regular tone with people seemed a bit...off, i finally noticed it. My longer fuse with people was now terribly short! And i became super blunt about things!! One day in January we had gone to a furniture store to look for a new couch. To compare prices, though it was the only store we have gone to at this point. The girl who was "helping" us really just pissed me off the second we walked in. She followed us around the damn store!! I refrained (surprisingly) from telling her to go away, but i did try to out walk her. Or go a different direction than one she was leading us in. She kept suggesting the ugliest and most uncomfortable couches! And i didn't hide my opinions about them. I flat out told her if i thought it was ugly, or horrible to sit on. More than once. And it's been like that since. I do try to bite my tongue a bit, or say things a bit more careful, but it doesn't seem to help. What's crazy is that my tone doesn't sound bitchy. It's just how i say stuff. I can hear it. But i can't seem to help it. My doc said it's hormones, and that i should return to normal after delivery. I find that i get really bad when people tell us what we need to be doing with our baby, or how to parent, or what to buy or not buy, or just general unsolicited advice. Because let's face it...a woman announces she's pregnant, suddenly everyone who's anyone wants to tell you how it's done. Suddenly everyone is a freakin child rearing expert. Just.....shut up and get me a cookie.
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| Kinda true!! Making a person is HARD!!! |
7) Diabetes & Pregnancy: So this isn't something that every mama-to-be has to deal with. But I'm type 1 diabetic. So my blood sugars are the BIGGEST issue that i deal with during pregnancy. Trying to regulate my blood sugars to be well under 200 ALL. THE. TIME has been difficult. I won't lie. I test about 8-12 times a day. Roughly every two hours. My OB wants my sugars to be at 140 or lower 2 hours after i eat. My endocrinologist says that as long as I'm not above 200 for numerous hours at a time, baby is fine. So we have some disagreement there. I get it. But it stresses me out. So i try to do what my OB asks as she's focusing on this 9 months, and my endo...my entire life. They have different pictures. If you don't know much about diabetes, it's complicated as to why that's a horrendously difficult request. Basically i have to take a crap ton of insulin to keep it there. But since i have an insulin pump, it's made it MUCH easier. And I'm actually really happy and PROUD to report that my sugars have NEVER been better than they are right now!! But pump or not, it's still very difficult.
Diabetes and pregnancy isn't a great combo. Not to say that diabetic women can't have healthy babies, but it makes everything in pregnancy more difficult. For one if your sugars are too high, baby can be very large and not able to be delivered vaginally, among other things. It puts you at a higher risk for everything and baby too!! Higher risk for complications, mental issues, deformities, heart problems...there's a massive list! So that can be terrifying. But add to that docs (perhaps not your regular OB) who don't know you from a can of paint, who preach, preach, PREACH to you and try to terrify you about how your sugar that one morning of 218 (for some reason you're not sure of, because let's face it...diabetes isn't black and white or cut and dry. It's COMPLICATED and not a perfect science no matter what you do!!) is going to cause harm to the baby within your belly. My doc has assured me that before i start doing the rotation of docs (they send you to all the docs in the practice over a 2 month period of appointments so you can at least meet them all once just in case they're on call the day you deliver) she will have a meeting with them all to basically say, "Cool your shit, and don't hound her!! She's ON IT!!" Which i am. I'm one of the few diabetic patients she has that actually gives a crap, and is doing everything i can to bring my sugars down and more level. I went to the dentist ( i HATE the dentist!!) for a cleaning, a filling, and a chip repair one day. Then the next day i went to the eye doctor (diabetics are supposed to go once a year if there are no complications). She said she doesn't have many patients who care enough to actually go. And she didn't even have to ask me to go to those appointments.
When you're pregnant, the body becomes more resistant to the insulin that you are getting in your body. So even though I'm getting a bunch of insulin, and in reality should be having crazy low numbers, I'm not. I'm normal. Which is nice. But as the pregnancy progresses, my sugars will go up if i continue to take the same amount of insulin. Hence: insulin resistance. So the insulin amount has to go up as the pregnancy progresses. And unfortunately it's a guessing game. Again...not a perfect science. But it's a constant battle during pregnancy.
That's the nutshell version. Like i said...diabetes is SUPER COMPLICATED. So it's hard to explain in detail if you don't know 1000% what I'm talking about.
So...not that I'm complaining about having to test so many times a day for baby, or making sure i take all my insulin for things i eat so my sugars don't skyrocket for baby. It's a very good thing!! And I'm glad, no...scratch that. ELATED that my sugars are doing SO well this time!! I'm very hopeful that she'll be a normal size and not 6 weeks early!! It's actually a very good thing for us both!! But if i was going to complain about anything, I'd complain about the disease making my pregnancy harder. I think that's fair.
8) Food: We all know the tale of the husband running out to the car, in his PJ's, throwing a long coat on, running out to the car in his slippers and flying down to the store to grab ice cream and pickles for his pregnant wife in the middle of the night. Yea, yea, yea. First...i want to meet the woman (women) who actually mix those two things together!! I think it's much more likely that they've been smokin something, and aren't pregnant. That's just my theory.
Food has been interesting. There have been a LOT of days where nothing sounds good and so i wind up eating a bowl or cereal or having a PB & J for dinner instead of the chicken and veggies that we prepared. Veggies have been a sore subject for me the past few months. I can't stand most of them. And in real life i LOVE me some veggies!! Like i love almost all of them!! But right now...i hate most of them. I can still stomach potatoes and sweet potatoes. And i can eat frozen veggies. But nothing out of a can, and fresh veggies are fleeting. Just no. Brooks has been very concerned about that. Usually he's the veggie hater, not me. And with baby, i NEED to be getting some veggies. I've had to hide them in food. Like making lasagna or my meat loaf (it's to die for!!) and "tricking" myself into eating them. I did talk to my doc as i'm worried baby is going to come out as a PB & J sandwich or a bagel, and she said not to worry too much. It's about survival during pregnancy.
My cravings haven't been too out there, but at times i just want all the food. I've had cravings for Frosted Flakes (and my cravings are specific!!) and we had to go out the night a big ice storm was to hit us, to go obtain these flakes. Fruit was my favorite craving so far!! One morning i had a massive plate of fruit for breakfast. All fresh, and delicious!!! Loaded tater tots, small cherry pies (the hand pies in the wrapper you can get for $1), Cheese It's, Tomato Soup, Baked goods...I've kept a list of my cravings per week to put in my pregnancy journal at some point. I find them funny. A lot of them i don't act on, but some i do. Especially the ones that keep showing up. Even if they aren't too beneficially nutritious. I'll indulgence. Just not everyday. I can't eat olives or pickles...or anything with a lot of vinegar. Certain foods don't hit my palette very well, so i don't eat them. If i try to force myself, which I've tried to do on several occasions for the benefits that the broccoli and chicken would have for baby, it turns my stomach and i feel sick. So that's a no go. I don't do that anymore.
But then there's the list of things i know i can't eat, or i need to limit. Sushi for one! Ugh. Sushi. I want some spider rolls so bad i can't see straight!! Or smoked salmon!! AHH!!! I told Brooks that after we are released from the hospital, my first stop is Lox, Stock and Bagel to go get a smoked salmon, cream cheese, red onion and tomato bagel before we head home with baby!! :) Most things don't bother me much. It's not forever. Besides, it's for a VERY excellent cause!!
9) Medications: Any OTC medication is a mixed bag. My doctors office gave me a list of all the safe meds i can take that won't hurt baby and are perfectly safe during pregnancy. But there are some that i question. Like Robitussin. That just seems weird to me that it's fine. But then...with everything we've been through to get to this point, I just don't like risking it. So that Tylenol that i know is fine, i wait until I'm at my whits end before i take it. The nausea medication i have (both of them) i won't take until i feel like I'm on death's door step. I just don't like taking meds for things that might go away on their own if i can help it when I'm pregnant. It's just not worth the risk to me. Some folks just don't understand that. They don't have to. I wouldn't wish that knowledge on anyone.
10) The NO's: Oh the list of no's. It's long. Soft cheeses, processed meat that's not heated to 165 degrees first (so no cold sandwiches), runny eggs, raw eggs (no cookie dough), regular coffee (which isn't a big deal for me as i gave it up 2 years ago when we got pregnant the first time, and was never able to go back to regular...*sigh*, so that's not pregnancy related for me), cigarettes (which has been the BEST thing for us!! We both quit and haven't looked back! The smell alone is enough to make us both start heaving!!), caffeinated soda (i miss Sun Drop), alcohol (which i don't miss...just the smell of it on someone else makes me want to hurl)...there's other stuff too. And while it was exhausting at first to remember everything, i got used to it and it's easy-peasy now. And i really don't miss much of it. Aside from the smoked salmon bagel. ;)
 |
| This made me laugh!! It's SO true!! |
I'm sure there are more things to mention, but that's the 10 that stick out. But here's the thing...ALL of this..all of the uncomfortable stuff, the pain in the ass blood sugar issues, the food i miss, the No's...all of it is SO beyond worth it!! At the end of this journey, we'll be holding a beautiful baby in our arms. And it's thanks to this list that we'll be able to do that. Because my body, like any other mother's body, has gone through an incredible process to help take 2 very tiny cells, and build them into a little person who will have the best parts of each of us within her. A little person who we've been waiting patiently to meet, and kiss and cry tears of joy over. A little person that has not only our hearts, but our souls wrapped around her.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Damn! She Dumb!!
Ahh pregnancy brain! I heard about this a few years ago while watching "How I Met Your Mother" when Lily was pregnant. I really truly thought it was just a joke for TV purposes. Especially since i don't remember dealing with it when i was pregnant with my son. But apparently, it's a real thing. And it's alive and well!!
For those of you who don't know what this strange phenomenon is, let me fill ya in! The normal, nonscientific definition is basically feeling dim and more forgetful than normal. You forget things more often, things you know well. Like words, your to-do list, names of people and things. Supposedly there's a correlation to not getting enough sleep, but i'm sleeping fine, so i call BS on that! The real explanation of it is this, according to WebMD: "There is 15 to 40 times more progesterone and estrogen marinating the brain during pregnancy," Louann Brizendine, MD, director of the Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California, San Francisco, says. "And these hormones affect all kinds of neurons in the brain. By the time the woman delivers, there are huge surges of oxytocin that cause the uterus to contract and the body to produce milk -- and they also affect the brain circuits". See. So it does exist.
It took me a few weeks of dealing with it before i finally figured out what the hell was wrong with me. Several weeks of forgetting simple things. Like words. There's a lot of hemming and ha-ing and snapping my fingers now trying to remember things i want to say. It's very frustrating!! It doesn't help when people think they know what i'm trying to say and keep interrupting my very slow train of thought, because a conversation is taking too long, and so they try to guess what word I'm looking for, yet get it wrong and try to guess again. By the time they guess the wrong word 2 or 3 times, i throw in the towel on what it is i'm trying to say. Because by then, with all their guessing, i've forgotten what it was all together!!
Other things are a bit bigger...like forgetting to turn the oven on before cooking dinner. Then forgetting to turn the oven off after i was done cooking dinner!! Not cool! Now every time I'm in the kitchen i have to go over the list of things i just did in case i turned something on when i shouldn't have or didn't want to. One night i had pulled a glass baking dish out of the oven and put it on the stove top to cool. I had a small pot on the burner behind it with veggies in it, and turned on the wrong burner! I shouldn't have to tell anyone that glass on the stove top doesn't work and should never be done! Thank goodness Brooks went into the kitchen before it exploded!! That would have ruined dinner pretty quick i'd say!! Other things aren't so scary. There were a few times where i couldn't remember where the milk went...the cupboard or the fridge? Seriously! I stood in the kitchen holding the gallon of milk trying to figure it out. The other day we were getting ready to leave for the day and i was putting my shoes on. I got a sock and shoe on my left, and put just the shoe on the right. I starred at my feet for several minutes trying to figure out what was different about them. I did manage to figure it out though, so i didn't look like a total tool out in public!!
Last week when i went to see my doc we were chatting about tests we had done, vs the ones we hadn't. She had sent us to a further specialist; a high risk prenatal doc who had asked me if i had had some test done. By the time i got to my regular docs office a few weeks later, i couldn't remember for the life of me what test it was, what it looked for or how many weeks i needed to be to have it done. I apologized to her for forgetting and she shook her head and said, "No!! It's fine! Your pregnant. We need to just give you a note pad for things." Thankfully there was only one left to do, and that was it.
Here's a very funny and very true story...the other day (last Friday) i was in Target. I was taking my time, and taking great care to get everything i needed to, so i wouldn't have to come back. Lists have become my best friends lately. On that list i had body wash. I wanted a different scent than what i just emptied, so i had to of course, smell them. I can't buy body washes, soaps, or shampoos without smelling them. I've had the unfortunate displeasure of getting shampoos that i hated the smell of, and that made me gag and of course i was stuck with them. And products are just too expensive nowadays not to! SO, there i was down the soap isle in Target looking for my favorite brand. I found it, and found the selection of scents. I plucked one off the shelf, popped open the lid, and took a big whiff...or tried. It had exploded in my face. My schnoz was covered in lavendery scented body wash. In public. I wiped my nose off (there was quite a wad of body wash on my nose actually) and tried to whiff again. Oops. More body wash on my nose. Lets try again. This went on for several tries. By the time i had gotten all of the body wash off my nose, my hand was covered in it. Forgetting that it was indeed SOAP, and not freakin lotion, i started rubbing my hands together trying to get it to "soak in". But again...SOAP!! Hello! By that time i realized it was soap and not lotion, so down a few isles i went to the isle with the travel sized stuff in it. I found some baby wipes. While in that isle, i opened the wipes (don't worry...i paid for them), and wiped off my hands. Or so i thought. SOAP + WET WIPES = SUDS! EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!! Yes ladies and gents, though i had very clean yummy smelling hands, there were actual suds and a lot of FOAM on my hands by this point. Can you picture this? A cute pregnant woman, down a Target isle with sudsy foam all over her hands in the middle of the store!! All i could do was laugh!! I was laughing so hard by the time i got myself all cleaned up that there were tears! I'm sure i looked like a lunatic.
Next on my list that day was a little something for Brooks for Valentine's Day. We had talked about not doing anything big since we have a baby coming and that is much more important. But this would be our last as a couple. So i felt i really wanted to do something. Just a little something. I found him a T-shirt that i thought was hilarious. I put it in the cart along with a ridiculously expensive card (when the hell did cards get so blood expensive?! $6?! If i had realized that, i would have taken pics of what it said, and made my own), and went to find a gift bag. Down the gift bag isle i kept obsessing if i really wanted to get that shirt for him. I decided i didn't and went to put it back. Onto the shelf. I walked away. Go back. In the cart. Walked away. Back to the shelf. Walked away. This went on for about 3 or 4 minutes. In the cart, out of the cart. In the cart, out of the cart. DAMMIT WOMAN! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!! Finally, it landed in the cart and i darted to the checkout before i changed my mind again.
It's a good thing we have a name for our baby already picked out!! She could've wound up with something Kardashian-esq, like Kartier or Money. Oy!!
Pregnancy brain. It's alive and well!!
Source: http://www.webmd.com/baby/features/memory_lapse_it_may_be_pregnancy_brain
For those of you who don't know what this strange phenomenon is, let me fill ya in! The normal, nonscientific definition is basically feeling dim and more forgetful than normal. You forget things more often, things you know well. Like words, your to-do list, names of people and things. Supposedly there's a correlation to not getting enough sleep, but i'm sleeping fine, so i call BS on that! The real explanation of it is this, according to WebMD: "There is 15 to 40 times more progesterone and estrogen marinating the brain during pregnancy," Louann Brizendine, MD, director of the Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California, San Francisco, says. "And these hormones affect all kinds of neurons in the brain. By the time the woman delivers, there are huge surges of oxytocin that cause the uterus to contract and the body to produce milk -- and they also affect the brain circuits". See. So it does exist.
It took me a few weeks of dealing with it before i finally figured out what the hell was wrong with me. Several weeks of forgetting simple things. Like words. There's a lot of hemming and ha-ing and snapping my fingers now trying to remember things i want to say. It's very frustrating!! It doesn't help when people think they know what i'm trying to say and keep interrupting my very slow train of thought, because a conversation is taking too long, and so they try to guess what word I'm looking for, yet get it wrong and try to guess again. By the time they guess the wrong word 2 or 3 times, i throw in the towel on what it is i'm trying to say. Because by then, with all their guessing, i've forgotten what it was all together!!
Other things are a bit bigger...like forgetting to turn the oven on before cooking dinner. Then forgetting to turn the oven off after i was done cooking dinner!! Not cool! Now every time I'm in the kitchen i have to go over the list of things i just did in case i turned something on when i shouldn't have or didn't want to. One night i had pulled a glass baking dish out of the oven and put it on the stove top to cool. I had a small pot on the burner behind it with veggies in it, and turned on the wrong burner! I shouldn't have to tell anyone that glass on the stove top doesn't work and should never be done! Thank goodness Brooks went into the kitchen before it exploded!! That would have ruined dinner pretty quick i'd say!! Other things aren't so scary. There were a few times where i couldn't remember where the milk went...the cupboard or the fridge? Seriously! I stood in the kitchen holding the gallon of milk trying to figure it out. The other day we were getting ready to leave for the day and i was putting my shoes on. I got a sock and shoe on my left, and put just the shoe on the right. I starred at my feet for several minutes trying to figure out what was different about them. I did manage to figure it out though, so i didn't look like a total tool out in public!!
Last week when i went to see my doc we were chatting about tests we had done, vs the ones we hadn't. She had sent us to a further specialist; a high risk prenatal doc who had asked me if i had had some test done. By the time i got to my regular docs office a few weeks later, i couldn't remember for the life of me what test it was, what it looked for or how many weeks i needed to be to have it done. I apologized to her for forgetting and she shook her head and said, "No!! It's fine! Your pregnant. We need to just give you a note pad for things." Thankfully there was only one left to do, and that was it.
Here's a very funny and very true story...the other day (last Friday) i was in Target. I was taking my time, and taking great care to get everything i needed to, so i wouldn't have to come back. Lists have become my best friends lately. On that list i had body wash. I wanted a different scent than what i just emptied, so i had to of course, smell them. I can't buy body washes, soaps, or shampoos without smelling them. I've had the unfortunate displeasure of getting shampoos that i hated the smell of, and that made me gag and of course i was stuck with them. And products are just too expensive nowadays not to! SO, there i was down the soap isle in Target looking for my favorite brand. I found it, and found the selection of scents. I plucked one off the shelf, popped open the lid, and took a big whiff...or tried. It had exploded in my face. My schnoz was covered in lavendery scented body wash. In public. I wiped my nose off (there was quite a wad of body wash on my nose actually) and tried to whiff again. Oops. More body wash on my nose. Lets try again. This went on for several tries. By the time i had gotten all of the body wash off my nose, my hand was covered in it. Forgetting that it was indeed SOAP, and not freakin lotion, i started rubbing my hands together trying to get it to "soak in". But again...SOAP!! Hello! By that time i realized it was soap and not lotion, so down a few isles i went to the isle with the travel sized stuff in it. I found some baby wipes. While in that isle, i opened the wipes (don't worry...i paid for them), and wiped off my hands. Or so i thought. SOAP + WET WIPES = SUDS! EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!! Yes ladies and gents, though i had very clean yummy smelling hands, there were actual suds and a lot of FOAM on my hands by this point. Can you picture this? A cute pregnant woman, down a Target isle with sudsy foam all over her hands in the middle of the store!! All i could do was laugh!! I was laughing so hard by the time i got myself all cleaned up that there were tears! I'm sure i looked like a lunatic.
Next on my list that day was a little something for Brooks for Valentine's Day. We had talked about not doing anything big since we have a baby coming and that is much more important. But this would be our last as a couple. So i felt i really wanted to do something. Just a little something. I found him a T-shirt that i thought was hilarious. I put it in the cart along with a ridiculously expensive card (when the hell did cards get so blood expensive?! $6?! If i had realized that, i would have taken pics of what it said, and made my own), and went to find a gift bag. Down the gift bag isle i kept obsessing if i really wanted to get that shirt for him. I decided i didn't and went to put it back. Onto the shelf. I walked away. Go back. In the cart. Walked away. Back to the shelf. Walked away. This went on for about 3 or 4 minutes. In the cart, out of the cart. In the cart, out of the cart. DAMMIT WOMAN! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!! Finally, it landed in the cart and i darted to the checkout before i changed my mind again.
It's a good thing we have a name for our baby already picked out!! She could've wound up with something Kardashian-esq, like Kartier or Money. Oy!!
Pregnancy brain. It's alive and well!!
Source: http://www.webmd.com/baby/features/memory_lapse_it_may_be_pregnancy_brain
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Why I Choose to Celebrate ALL OF IT
I want to start off saying...this is not meant to be taken as a sob story!! Do not pity me. Please. I'm fine. I'm sharing this so y'all know how much it means to me to be given a second precious opportunity to have a beautiful 9 months with this baby. Because i think it needs to be expressed. That way y'all don't think I'm crazy with the gushing over everything. Truth be told i don't care really...but i just want to clarify. :) Thankfully Brooks is super supportive of my insistence to celebrate ALL OF IT!! He's right there with me!! Just another reason he's my true BFF. There is a reason I'm like this. And this is why...
I am celebrating each and EVERY moment during this pregnancy!! See...for those of you who may not know, (and i say that in response to a lot of FB comments about tips of being pregnant or how it feels to be pregnant...assuming this is the first pregnancy for me, which it isn't) I have a 17 year old son. Yes folks, i am already a mother. Shocking to some I'm sure. My son lives in Oregon with his father and step mother, i haven't seen him in a number of years, and haven't spoken to him in about 2 years...it's a difficult situation, so i don't talk about it since it's no one else's business. I do talk about it with my therapist though.
Anyway...during my first pregnancy i was 19 years old. I was with his father...and he wouldn't let me celebrate my pregnancy. He was/is a very controlling man. His parents were farmers/country people. So the only thing they had to say about a grandchild coming was "Cows have babies everyday so it's really not a big deal". My first pregnancy was HORRIBLE!!!! From the day i found out i was pregnant, to 2 weeks after delivery when i could finally bring my baby home.
I was told constantly that cows had babies everyday. I was told that daily actually since we lived in a 5th wheel trailer in my ex's parents backyard. We didn't move into a duplex until October of that year. I spent almost 7 months living there. That was a LOT of dinners and just hanging out watching TV with them while they chain smoked away. Yup. Smoked while sitting next to me while i was pregnant!! His dad, in all his infinite wisdom told me at one point that him smoking a cigarette and the baby being bothered by it was like this...if he had a 5th of whiskey and i got a drop...then what would the baby actually get? Not much of anything. I needed to stop worrying. I always tried to fight for my baby, and would say things about how much doctors know NOW as compared to 24 years ago. Their reaction was always smugness. "Doctors...*harrumph* they don't know anything". I got to the point where I'd just stay by myself in the trailer and read or watch the two channels we got in there. I couldn't be around that. Not for my baby. I actually threw up once from the smoke in their house.
I was told that maternity clothes were a huge waste of money so there was very little for me to feel good in. I literally had 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of shorts and 3 shirts. I wasn't allowed to buy a bigger bra, or underwear that fit. I couldn't journal the experience or make it a happy thing. It was a baby. No biggie. So sadly, i don't remember the first time i heard my son's heartbeat. I do remember the sonograms i had. There were a lot of them as I'm high risk. When we went to register for the baby, i remember seeing some item of clothing and the ex wouldn't let me scan it. It was for a newborn. He said that anything for a newborn was a waste. He asked why we were at Target anyway. "Such a waste of time". Truth be told that was one of two big box stores we had back then in my hometown, so that's why we were at Target. The baby shower was a bit of a disaster as well. My poor sister organized it, bless her heart. But looking back...ugh. The ex insisted we do a co-ed shower, which back then wasn't really heard of. So i had to make it look as though it was MY idea. That caused issues. It was at the same pizza place i had had all my birthday's at since i was 5 years old. The day of the shower my ex decided he wanted to go car "shopping" where he'd go around to car lots, talk up the sales guys, test drive a NICE car, get their hopes up of a great commission and leave. It rained that day, and upon getting in and out of the 17th car he insisted i try out, i got soaked. I was pissed and burst into tears! He responded in his way, by grabbing me and forcing me into the truck. We left. But surprise surprise, we were late for my own shower.
By the time i was 6 months, I was as big as a house already, and the derogatory comments came often. The ex had a family friend who had suffered a stroke a few months prior. He was still an ass though. I'd see him often since i lived in the backyard, and every time i saw him he would say, "Are you sure you're not pregnant with twins? You're HUGE!!" For 5 months i heard this weekly.
My grandma was dying during my pregnancy so on top of living with a nightmare, and being stuck with him and alllll that encompassed, i had to deal with losing my beloved grandma as well. I was an emotional wreck most of the time. At one point she was sent to a nursing home for medication purposes. So we had gone to see her. I think i was around 6 months. About an hour into our visit, the baby kicked my bladder and i wet my pants. The ex thought that was HILARIOUS and insisted on driving ALL OVER TOWN for over an hour while i cried in my wet pants.
When i had my hospital tour there was just one other woman on the tour with me. The nurse that gave the tour wasn't exactly the nicest of people. She was curt and seemed short tempered. Perhaps just a bad day, but didn't hide it well. She was very judgmental of me when she asked how old i was and i said 19. On the tour she kept asking the other lady questions about her pregnancy. They got to a point where the lady told her that her baby was breech and she'd be needing to have a c-section if baby didn't move. Well then we got to that part of the tour. The operating rooms for c-sections. The nurse looked at me and said, "And since you're fine and won't have a c-section, you can go home. Tour is over for you". My mama-bearness didn't kick in until YEARS later, so i just nodded and left. To this day that still irritates me!! Stupid woman!
The day i went into labor was the day before thanksgiving. I had a doctors appointment that morning. I told my doc that that baby was coming. He shook his head, looked at the ex and said, "You don't know! This is your first!! Trust me...you're fine!" Famous last words. The ex agreed and they both had a good laugh at me. Shocking. I hadn't been able to sleep in over a week. I knew something was going on and this wasn't a good sign. I wasn't due until January 8th. It was November 25th. Way too early!! My doc said that an hour before i go to bed, i could come in for a shot of something (i can't remember what it was) so that i could get some rest. We went and rented some movies for the weekend and went home. I tried my damnedest to wait until 10pm, but at 7pm i just couldn't take it anymore. I told the ex i needed to go get that shot now. Well he decided that instead, it would be more fun to go get coffee, go buy some cigarettes, go see a friend...go anywhere but the hospital basically. By the time we got there it was after 9pm and i was miserable! The nurse said she needed to check me first, and as she did, she said, "Well you're not going anywhere." I said, "What?! WHY?!" I panicked. I honestly didn't know what was going on. She said i was 4 cm dilated and in labor. Time was now!
In the haste of leaving our house, i didn't grab the bag or the diaper bag. I'm not even sure i had an actual bag for myself, now that i think about it. But at any rate...i didn't have anything other than my purse. The ex went into panic mode as well. I told him he needed to go to a gas station or something and go get a disposable camera so we could get pics. I got settled and he went to go to the store. While he was out, he called his parents and of course, they showed up. I had insisted i wanted NO ONE other than us in that delivery/birthing room! Especially them!! Of all people?! Really? He was in and out of the room every 10-15 minutes to smoke for HOURS!!! Once his folks showed up, it was worse. I was stuck with his mother in my room just starring at me, while they all took turns to go smoke. At one point they had all gone out for a cigarette and his dad came back in while they were turning me and got a shot of all my bits and pieces. Lovely.
While i kept insisting that one of the nurses call my doc, they kept telling me he had gone on a fishing trip. I tried to tell them to at least leave a message. They refused. He wouldn't know he was wrong until Monday anyway. Around 3am, i hadn't progressed much and the baby was going into distress. The doc that was on call (who was awesome btw!! SO glad he was there!) told me I'd have to have an emergency c-section. I freaked out and told him i hadn't gotten to see that room on the tour! He said I'd be seeing it now. The doc was actually the one who did a lot of the pepping me for surgery. There were reasons....believe me!
Once in the OR, and on the table, they brought the smoker in. He had the camera and all i had was a big blue sheet in my face. I kept asking them to lower it, or give me a mirror so i could see my son being born. I was refused. I was told that I'd be sick if i saw my own guts. Blood doesn't bother me. Never has. My son was born at 3:12am on Thanksgiving morning, 7# 9 oz, 6 weeks early. Once he was out, they showed him to me for about 2 seconds, i got to kiss him and they whisked him off to the NICU. They got me put back together and took me to a recovery room. At least they were private. The anesthesiologist brought me a Polaroid of my new baby and i held it until i fell asleep.
The next morning all i wanted was to go see my baby. Sadly, i wouldn't see him for over 24 hours!! They kept telling me that now wasn't a good time, they'd be back later. They'd tell me i wasn't ready to be up yet. They told me the docs were in with him, or then the docs would be in with me. By the time i saw him, he was over a day old. I didn't get to nuzzle my newborn when he arrived. My delivery was NOTHING like i had read in the 1 book i was allowed to purchase. And being so young, i was a bit of a mess. My baby didn't even get sponged off until he was almost a week old! GROSS!! I'm sorry...but it was gross. He started to smell funky! Do you have any idea how hard it is to breastfeed (or try) your new baby when he reeks of blood and amniotic fluid that's past the "sell by" date?? I'm not sure you even want to know.
On top of THAT mess, the doc that i had been forced to see by my OB, telling me that since i couldn't get over the mountain to see my specialist i needed to go see a family practice doc for my diabetes. The first appointment he got out the thickest BOOK I'd ever seen to look up what to do with a type 1 diabetic! My life was in that idiots hands!! So needless to say...i don't have a high regard for family practice docs. I just don't. Now you know why. When i was pregnant i was on 4 shots a day. Each shot was 100 units of insulin. As a high risk pregnant woman, you learn fairly quick that your body becomes a bit resistant to insulin later in pregnancy. It'll probably happen this time too. It's just what happens. So you've gotta amp up the insulin to try to stay at a more normal level with your blood sugar. But after you have that baby, your body returns to normal and you don't need nearly that much insulin. Well doctor brilliant must have missed that page in his gigantic book. Day two a nurse came in with a massive syringe filled with insulin and told me it was time for my shot. I told her no way was i taking that, and handed her the number of my REAL doctor up at OHSU in Portland. She refused to call him. Instead they called the idiot and we had words. Good times.
Monday rolled around and my regular OB came to see me. He just laughed and said, "Well i guess you showed me hu?" Yea buddy. You're hilarious. He told me i could go home the next day if i felt ready...which i didn't. I asked to stay another day or two. I was terrified to leave the hospital. I knew my baby wouldn't be ready. He had gotten jaundice and was now under a light with tiny baby eye pads on. He looked like he was sunning himself in a tanning bed. Every time i went to see him in the NICU I'd cry. I blamed myself. I felt like him being born so early was all my fault. I felt like him getting jaundice was all my fault. Every wire, tube or extra foot prick was all my fault i felt. Hell...i couldn't even feed my own baby!! Breast feeding wasn't going well. I tried pumping...and then I'd bring it down the hall to the NICU counter and give it to the desk gal for them to feed my baby with through a tube.
One night i had two pain in the ass nurses come bursting through the door of my room, run over to my bedside, rip open my gown front and insist on seeing my breasts. I was 19 years old!! They seemed hysterical, which terrified me, and i grabbed my blanket and held it up to my now bare chest. I insisted they tell me wtf was the problem!! They took a breath and a much needed step back, and said that i had blisters on my nipples because there was blood in my breast milk. We all started yelling back and forth at that point. Until my son's pediatrician came in to see me. He had been my pediatrician and was (still is!!) an awesome guy!! He pushed the nurses away so i could get dressed again, and made them leave. He said i was fine, and to get the hell out of my room. I was in tears. By that point it didn't take much to make me cry. It was a very difficult time for me. He and i talked about the breast milk and he told me that the tiny bit of pink in it was nothing to worry about. He asked if i had blisters. I told him no. He told me that if i had any more problems with those two nurses to let him know. He'd take care of it. I didn't have good nurses in case you can't tell.
I felt like while i just had a baby, it was as if no one really cared. Cows had babies everyday. I had few visitors. But no flowers. No balloons. No push gift. No cards. Actually...i take that back. A friend of mine brought me a rose (i was devastated that i forgot it, when i was discharged and they tossed it) and i got a card from my sister. But other than that...nothing. No one was really celebrating this baby like i had always dreamed of. They say that a woman's wedding day is the most important day of their life. While i agree to a point, i think the more important day in a woman's life is when their children are born. And that day should certainly be celebrated!!
I spent a lot of time alone while i was in the hospital. It was the holidays. And my grandmother was very sick. She was bedridden and couldn't communicate with anyone. So my family was with her. I totally understand and am glad she had them. I just wish i had had someone there with me too. My ex wasn't around much. When he wasn't at work, he was either at his parents house, or his buddy's house.
They released me, but my baby had to stay in the NICU another week. They told me i couldn't drive since all we had was a manual. So i was a town away from my newborn. I couldn't get him what little breast milk i was actually producing on a daily basis if i couldn't drive, so they supplemented with formula. My mom had picked me up and we went to Sears and she bought me a new bra. I was home for 2 days. They had told me that if i broke a fever, i needed to go back to the hospital. Low and behold my temp rose to over 102...thankfully i had been dropped off at my mom & grandma's house, and had been napping in my old room when i realized i had to go back in. She had a hospice nurse to care for her during the day thankfully, and she told me she could take me to the hospital as soon as my mom got home. And that's what we did. She even offered to come sit with me a while once i was administered. I told her no. I didn't want to be a burden. There i was again. Back in the maternity ward hooked up to IV meds. I had an infection in my cesarean wound. Alone. Fabulous.
Still not producing much milk for my baby, i gave up. I was exhausted, in so much pain i could barely stand it, on drugs, trying to just get in and out of bed and walk on a regular basis, and not burst into hysterics because i dropped a pen...so adding breastfeeding to that...was too much. Plus my milk just never came in. I have a theory. And while i haven't read anything to prove this, i may not be too off base...i feel that moms who have c-sections, or at least emergency c-sections have a harder time breast feeding because their body doesn't go through the natural process of giving birth. I mean this in no way a dig to those mothers!! Hello? Have you not been paying attention? I'm WITH YOU. But i feel that due to that, perhaps our bodies don't have the same amount of hormone or our hormones don't function in the same way...so our milk doesn't come flowing into our gigantic boobs like moms who deliver vaginally. I could be full of total shit too. Who knows. I just feel like that's what happened to me. Plus....6 weeks early has to make a difference!!
The up side to being back in the hospital was that i could actually sleep. The ex snored like no tomorrow and I'd constantly get an elbow to the chest or he'd flail around. So it was nice having a bed to myself!! The other up side was that once my baby was back to a normal color, and doing well...he was able to room in with me for a bit. While this sounded great, i still wasn't able to get up and down like i needed to. I needed help. I remember one evening i couldn't sooth him. I was so tired, and in so much pain. I called the nurses station and asked them to take him for a couple hours. The nurse said to me, after laughing, "Honey? What are you going to do when you take him home? Do you have your mother living with you to take him at night?" Another request refused.
After another week in the hospital, my infection was gone. But i needed a home-health nurse to come redo the seaweed bandage stuff that was packed into the wound, every other day. So they set that up. I was told i needed to have a baby CPR class. They never showed up and i was literally being kicked out. Again, my mom came to get us. She carried the baby, and held my hand as we walked out of the hospital. We went straight to her house so my grandma could see the baby. She called me a day or two prior and told me that she thought my grandma was hanging on to see her great-grandson. We got there and i placed my son into her arms. She teared up looking at him. She wasn't able to communicate with me, but the look on her face was enough. They fell asleep and took a nap together. She passed away the next day.
* * * * * * * *
So...alllllllllllll this mess to say, and on top of our 2 year struggle to get and keep a baby, it's ALL why i want and choose to CELEBRATE this baby and each and EVERY thing that is happening!!! It's why i take pictures of my toes after i spend 2 hours painting them. Or take pics while we registered for baby. It's why i have a massive folder on my desktop that says 'Baby Pics' and it's all the pregnancy pics, ideas, and pics of texts I've had with Brooks and my sister about baby. It's why i went to great lengths to do a gender reveal cake with Brooks parents. It's why i sent fancy reveal cards to my family back home. It's why i get SO excited to hear my daughters heartbeat. It's why i cry at pampers commercials. It's why i want our baby shower to be a certain way and why we're thinking of throwing it ourselves. It's why i want to buy certain gear for our baby, despite what others tell us. I do know what I'm doing to a very large point. I don't take advice well. I hate being told what to do. With good reason i think. And it's why i get excited for the first baby blanket to arrive.
Each and EVERY child SHOULD be celebrated!! Pregnancy is HARD!! It's
truly one of the most difficult experiences of a woman's life. For some,
it's an easy cakewalk. For others like me it's a difficult journey, one
i certainly don't take for granted. So each moment i will enjoy, and embrace. For i know just how blessed i am to be getting a second opportunity to be doing this again, but this time...with my best friend!!
I am celebrating each and EVERY moment during this pregnancy!! See...for those of you who may not know, (and i say that in response to a lot of FB comments about tips of being pregnant or how it feels to be pregnant...assuming this is the first pregnancy for me, which it isn't) I have a 17 year old son. Yes folks, i am already a mother. Shocking to some I'm sure. My son lives in Oregon with his father and step mother, i haven't seen him in a number of years, and haven't spoken to him in about 2 years...it's a difficult situation, so i don't talk about it since it's no one else's business. I do talk about it with my therapist though.
Anyway...during my first pregnancy i was 19 years old. I was with his father...and he wouldn't let me celebrate my pregnancy. He was/is a very controlling man. His parents were farmers/country people. So the only thing they had to say about a grandchild coming was "Cows have babies everyday so it's really not a big deal". My first pregnancy was HORRIBLE!!!! From the day i found out i was pregnant, to 2 weeks after delivery when i could finally bring my baby home.
I was told constantly that cows had babies everyday. I was told that daily actually since we lived in a 5th wheel trailer in my ex's parents backyard. We didn't move into a duplex until October of that year. I spent almost 7 months living there. That was a LOT of dinners and just hanging out watching TV with them while they chain smoked away. Yup. Smoked while sitting next to me while i was pregnant!! His dad, in all his infinite wisdom told me at one point that him smoking a cigarette and the baby being bothered by it was like this...if he had a 5th of whiskey and i got a drop...then what would the baby actually get? Not much of anything. I needed to stop worrying. I always tried to fight for my baby, and would say things about how much doctors know NOW as compared to 24 years ago. Their reaction was always smugness. "Doctors...*harrumph* they don't know anything". I got to the point where I'd just stay by myself in the trailer and read or watch the two channels we got in there. I couldn't be around that. Not for my baby. I actually threw up once from the smoke in their house.
I was told that maternity clothes were a huge waste of money so there was very little for me to feel good in. I literally had 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of shorts and 3 shirts. I wasn't allowed to buy a bigger bra, or underwear that fit. I couldn't journal the experience or make it a happy thing. It was a baby. No biggie. So sadly, i don't remember the first time i heard my son's heartbeat. I do remember the sonograms i had. There were a lot of them as I'm high risk. When we went to register for the baby, i remember seeing some item of clothing and the ex wouldn't let me scan it. It was for a newborn. He said that anything for a newborn was a waste. He asked why we were at Target anyway. "Such a waste of time". Truth be told that was one of two big box stores we had back then in my hometown, so that's why we were at Target. The baby shower was a bit of a disaster as well. My poor sister organized it, bless her heart. But looking back...ugh. The ex insisted we do a co-ed shower, which back then wasn't really heard of. So i had to make it look as though it was MY idea. That caused issues. It was at the same pizza place i had had all my birthday's at since i was 5 years old. The day of the shower my ex decided he wanted to go car "shopping" where he'd go around to car lots, talk up the sales guys, test drive a NICE car, get their hopes up of a great commission and leave. It rained that day, and upon getting in and out of the 17th car he insisted i try out, i got soaked. I was pissed and burst into tears! He responded in his way, by grabbing me and forcing me into the truck. We left. But surprise surprise, we were late for my own shower.
By the time i was 6 months, I was as big as a house already, and the derogatory comments came often. The ex had a family friend who had suffered a stroke a few months prior. He was still an ass though. I'd see him often since i lived in the backyard, and every time i saw him he would say, "Are you sure you're not pregnant with twins? You're HUGE!!" For 5 months i heard this weekly.
My grandma was dying during my pregnancy so on top of living with a nightmare, and being stuck with him and alllll that encompassed, i had to deal with losing my beloved grandma as well. I was an emotional wreck most of the time. At one point she was sent to a nursing home for medication purposes. So we had gone to see her. I think i was around 6 months. About an hour into our visit, the baby kicked my bladder and i wet my pants. The ex thought that was HILARIOUS and insisted on driving ALL OVER TOWN for over an hour while i cried in my wet pants.
When i had my hospital tour there was just one other woman on the tour with me. The nurse that gave the tour wasn't exactly the nicest of people. She was curt and seemed short tempered. Perhaps just a bad day, but didn't hide it well. She was very judgmental of me when she asked how old i was and i said 19. On the tour she kept asking the other lady questions about her pregnancy. They got to a point where the lady told her that her baby was breech and she'd be needing to have a c-section if baby didn't move. Well then we got to that part of the tour. The operating rooms for c-sections. The nurse looked at me and said, "And since you're fine and won't have a c-section, you can go home. Tour is over for you". My mama-bearness didn't kick in until YEARS later, so i just nodded and left. To this day that still irritates me!! Stupid woman!
The day i went into labor was the day before thanksgiving. I had a doctors appointment that morning. I told my doc that that baby was coming. He shook his head, looked at the ex and said, "You don't know! This is your first!! Trust me...you're fine!" Famous last words. The ex agreed and they both had a good laugh at me. Shocking. I hadn't been able to sleep in over a week. I knew something was going on and this wasn't a good sign. I wasn't due until January 8th. It was November 25th. Way too early!! My doc said that an hour before i go to bed, i could come in for a shot of something (i can't remember what it was) so that i could get some rest. We went and rented some movies for the weekend and went home. I tried my damnedest to wait until 10pm, but at 7pm i just couldn't take it anymore. I told the ex i needed to go get that shot now. Well he decided that instead, it would be more fun to go get coffee, go buy some cigarettes, go see a friend...go anywhere but the hospital basically. By the time we got there it was after 9pm and i was miserable! The nurse said she needed to check me first, and as she did, she said, "Well you're not going anywhere." I said, "What?! WHY?!" I panicked. I honestly didn't know what was going on. She said i was 4 cm dilated and in labor. Time was now!
In the haste of leaving our house, i didn't grab the bag or the diaper bag. I'm not even sure i had an actual bag for myself, now that i think about it. But at any rate...i didn't have anything other than my purse. The ex went into panic mode as well. I told him he needed to go to a gas station or something and go get a disposable camera so we could get pics. I got settled and he went to go to the store. While he was out, he called his parents and of course, they showed up. I had insisted i wanted NO ONE other than us in that delivery/birthing room! Especially them!! Of all people?! Really? He was in and out of the room every 10-15 minutes to smoke for HOURS!!! Once his folks showed up, it was worse. I was stuck with his mother in my room just starring at me, while they all took turns to go smoke. At one point they had all gone out for a cigarette and his dad came back in while they were turning me and got a shot of all my bits and pieces. Lovely.
While i kept insisting that one of the nurses call my doc, they kept telling me he had gone on a fishing trip. I tried to tell them to at least leave a message. They refused. He wouldn't know he was wrong until Monday anyway. Around 3am, i hadn't progressed much and the baby was going into distress. The doc that was on call (who was awesome btw!! SO glad he was there!) told me I'd have to have an emergency c-section. I freaked out and told him i hadn't gotten to see that room on the tour! He said I'd be seeing it now. The doc was actually the one who did a lot of the pepping me for surgery. There were reasons....believe me!
Once in the OR, and on the table, they brought the smoker in. He had the camera and all i had was a big blue sheet in my face. I kept asking them to lower it, or give me a mirror so i could see my son being born. I was refused. I was told that I'd be sick if i saw my own guts. Blood doesn't bother me. Never has. My son was born at 3:12am on Thanksgiving morning, 7# 9 oz, 6 weeks early. Once he was out, they showed him to me for about 2 seconds, i got to kiss him and they whisked him off to the NICU. They got me put back together and took me to a recovery room. At least they were private. The anesthesiologist brought me a Polaroid of my new baby and i held it until i fell asleep.
The next morning all i wanted was to go see my baby. Sadly, i wouldn't see him for over 24 hours!! They kept telling me that now wasn't a good time, they'd be back later. They'd tell me i wasn't ready to be up yet. They told me the docs were in with him, or then the docs would be in with me. By the time i saw him, he was over a day old. I didn't get to nuzzle my newborn when he arrived. My delivery was NOTHING like i had read in the 1 book i was allowed to purchase. And being so young, i was a bit of a mess. My baby didn't even get sponged off until he was almost a week old! GROSS!! I'm sorry...but it was gross. He started to smell funky! Do you have any idea how hard it is to breastfeed (or try) your new baby when he reeks of blood and amniotic fluid that's past the "sell by" date?? I'm not sure you even want to know.
On top of THAT mess, the doc that i had been forced to see by my OB, telling me that since i couldn't get over the mountain to see my specialist i needed to go see a family practice doc for my diabetes. The first appointment he got out the thickest BOOK I'd ever seen to look up what to do with a type 1 diabetic! My life was in that idiots hands!! So needless to say...i don't have a high regard for family practice docs. I just don't. Now you know why. When i was pregnant i was on 4 shots a day. Each shot was 100 units of insulin. As a high risk pregnant woman, you learn fairly quick that your body becomes a bit resistant to insulin later in pregnancy. It'll probably happen this time too. It's just what happens. So you've gotta amp up the insulin to try to stay at a more normal level with your blood sugar. But after you have that baby, your body returns to normal and you don't need nearly that much insulin. Well doctor brilliant must have missed that page in his gigantic book. Day two a nurse came in with a massive syringe filled with insulin and told me it was time for my shot. I told her no way was i taking that, and handed her the number of my REAL doctor up at OHSU in Portland. She refused to call him. Instead they called the idiot and we had words. Good times.
Monday rolled around and my regular OB came to see me. He just laughed and said, "Well i guess you showed me hu?" Yea buddy. You're hilarious. He told me i could go home the next day if i felt ready...which i didn't. I asked to stay another day or two. I was terrified to leave the hospital. I knew my baby wouldn't be ready. He had gotten jaundice and was now under a light with tiny baby eye pads on. He looked like he was sunning himself in a tanning bed. Every time i went to see him in the NICU I'd cry. I blamed myself. I felt like him being born so early was all my fault. I felt like him getting jaundice was all my fault. Every wire, tube or extra foot prick was all my fault i felt. Hell...i couldn't even feed my own baby!! Breast feeding wasn't going well. I tried pumping...and then I'd bring it down the hall to the NICU counter and give it to the desk gal for them to feed my baby with through a tube.
One night i had two pain in the ass nurses come bursting through the door of my room, run over to my bedside, rip open my gown front and insist on seeing my breasts. I was 19 years old!! They seemed hysterical, which terrified me, and i grabbed my blanket and held it up to my now bare chest. I insisted they tell me wtf was the problem!! They took a breath and a much needed step back, and said that i had blisters on my nipples because there was blood in my breast milk. We all started yelling back and forth at that point. Until my son's pediatrician came in to see me. He had been my pediatrician and was (still is!!) an awesome guy!! He pushed the nurses away so i could get dressed again, and made them leave. He said i was fine, and to get the hell out of my room. I was in tears. By that point it didn't take much to make me cry. It was a very difficult time for me. He and i talked about the breast milk and he told me that the tiny bit of pink in it was nothing to worry about. He asked if i had blisters. I told him no. He told me that if i had any more problems with those two nurses to let him know. He'd take care of it. I didn't have good nurses in case you can't tell.
I felt like while i just had a baby, it was as if no one really cared. Cows had babies everyday. I had few visitors. But no flowers. No balloons. No push gift. No cards. Actually...i take that back. A friend of mine brought me a rose (i was devastated that i forgot it, when i was discharged and they tossed it) and i got a card from my sister. But other than that...nothing. No one was really celebrating this baby like i had always dreamed of. They say that a woman's wedding day is the most important day of their life. While i agree to a point, i think the more important day in a woman's life is when their children are born. And that day should certainly be celebrated!!
I spent a lot of time alone while i was in the hospital. It was the holidays. And my grandmother was very sick. She was bedridden and couldn't communicate with anyone. So my family was with her. I totally understand and am glad she had them. I just wish i had had someone there with me too. My ex wasn't around much. When he wasn't at work, he was either at his parents house, or his buddy's house.
They released me, but my baby had to stay in the NICU another week. They told me i couldn't drive since all we had was a manual. So i was a town away from my newborn. I couldn't get him what little breast milk i was actually producing on a daily basis if i couldn't drive, so they supplemented with formula. My mom had picked me up and we went to Sears and she bought me a new bra. I was home for 2 days. They had told me that if i broke a fever, i needed to go back to the hospital. Low and behold my temp rose to over 102...thankfully i had been dropped off at my mom & grandma's house, and had been napping in my old room when i realized i had to go back in. She had a hospice nurse to care for her during the day thankfully, and she told me she could take me to the hospital as soon as my mom got home. And that's what we did. She even offered to come sit with me a while once i was administered. I told her no. I didn't want to be a burden. There i was again. Back in the maternity ward hooked up to IV meds. I had an infection in my cesarean wound. Alone. Fabulous.
Still not producing much milk for my baby, i gave up. I was exhausted, in so much pain i could barely stand it, on drugs, trying to just get in and out of bed and walk on a regular basis, and not burst into hysterics because i dropped a pen...so adding breastfeeding to that...was too much. Plus my milk just never came in. I have a theory. And while i haven't read anything to prove this, i may not be too off base...i feel that moms who have c-sections, or at least emergency c-sections have a harder time breast feeding because their body doesn't go through the natural process of giving birth. I mean this in no way a dig to those mothers!! Hello? Have you not been paying attention? I'm WITH YOU. But i feel that due to that, perhaps our bodies don't have the same amount of hormone or our hormones don't function in the same way...so our milk doesn't come flowing into our gigantic boobs like moms who deliver vaginally. I could be full of total shit too. Who knows. I just feel like that's what happened to me. Plus....6 weeks early has to make a difference!!
The up side to being back in the hospital was that i could actually sleep. The ex snored like no tomorrow and I'd constantly get an elbow to the chest or he'd flail around. So it was nice having a bed to myself!! The other up side was that once my baby was back to a normal color, and doing well...he was able to room in with me for a bit. While this sounded great, i still wasn't able to get up and down like i needed to. I needed help. I remember one evening i couldn't sooth him. I was so tired, and in so much pain. I called the nurses station and asked them to take him for a couple hours. The nurse said to me, after laughing, "Honey? What are you going to do when you take him home? Do you have your mother living with you to take him at night?" Another request refused.
After another week in the hospital, my infection was gone. But i needed a home-health nurse to come redo the seaweed bandage stuff that was packed into the wound, every other day. So they set that up. I was told i needed to have a baby CPR class. They never showed up and i was literally being kicked out. Again, my mom came to get us. She carried the baby, and held my hand as we walked out of the hospital. We went straight to her house so my grandma could see the baby. She called me a day or two prior and told me that she thought my grandma was hanging on to see her great-grandson. We got there and i placed my son into her arms. She teared up looking at him. She wasn't able to communicate with me, but the look on her face was enough. They fell asleep and took a nap together. She passed away the next day.
* * * * * * * *
So...alllllllllllll this mess to say, and on top of our 2 year struggle to get and keep a baby, it's ALL why i want and choose to CELEBRATE this baby and each and EVERY thing that is happening!!! It's why i take pictures of my toes after i spend 2 hours painting them. Or take pics while we registered for baby. It's why i have a massive folder on my desktop that says 'Baby Pics' and it's all the pregnancy pics, ideas, and pics of texts I've had with Brooks and my sister about baby. It's why i went to great lengths to do a gender reveal cake with Brooks parents. It's why i sent fancy reveal cards to my family back home. It's why i get SO excited to hear my daughters heartbeat. It's why i cry at pampers commercials. It's why i want our baby shower to be a certain way and why we're thinking of throwing it ourselves. It's why i want to buy certain gear for our baby, despite what others tell us. I do know what I'm doing to a very large point. I don't take advice well. I hate being told what to do. With good reason i think. And it's why i get excited for the first baby blanket to arrive.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Making People
Well hello happy readers!! Are you out there? I do check my stats ya know! I can see that people do read this blog. I know most of you are from my FB list of friends...but that's fine! Someone's reading!! Which i love you all for!! Thank you! :) Someday maybe I'll get out there in the blogging world and be discovered. Lol!!
I've been meaning to let my readers know that. But it's been a bit of an overwhelming thing, so i've been a wee bit distracted lately. We're due July 24th! So we're 14 weeks and now in the second trimester!! Whew!! We got through the ugly, terrifying 1st trimester! FINALLY!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! Yup! Don't mind me while i toot that horn loudly!!!!!
We actually did two rounds of Clomid for those who would like to know. I had a HORRIBLE cold right around the first round so that affected my body in negative ways with getting pregnant. While i wasn't crazy about taking it, clearly it worked and i will be forever grateful! And if we have to repeat it for baby #2, so be it. Both times i didn't really have many side affects. Really just hot flashes. No mood swings or anything. Easy peasy. Knock on wood. ;)
We told our families around the holidays. Brooks' family we told at Christmas and we waited to tell my family until New Years day. We wanted to tell them on the same day, but due to time differences and family stuff, we just couldn't do it the same day. But at any rate, everyone was THRILLED!!!! I have the BEST pics of Brooks' mom and dad!! I made them a countdown calendar to how many weeks left until they become grandparents (saw it on pinterest) and we gave them a framed sonogram pic. We went over to their house a bit early Christmas morning and gave them the two gifts. His mom still had wet hair and i assured her it didn't matter. Which it didn't!! The looks on both of their faces when they read the block (It says, "Weeks until we're grandparents" and there's numbered blocks at the top to change each week) is priceless!! A truly beautiful moment!! Brooks is an only child. So this is their first and only grandchild.
We then went to his grandma's house for brunch and we let Brooks' mom tell her and one of his aunts who was there already. His grandma's reaction was awesome!!!! She burst into tears of joy and had to sit down! She doesn't have any great grandchildren yet, and it seems this summer she'll get two! His cousin is also pregnant...a few weeks behind me. Seems our news didn't go over well with a few in the family. But honestly, after everything we've been through, i don't care!!!! Shame on them!! We will revel in our happy news and if some don't want to be happy for us, so be it. I refuse to compete with someone over who does what in their pregnancy, or pit the unborn babies against each other for being born first, who rolls over first...whatever! NO!! THIS mama bear won't stand for it!! Anyway...
I digress....we had to tell my family over the phone, so sadly i don't have pics of the reactions, but everyone was SUPER excited for us!!!! My mom teared up i think. Sounded like it.
So happiest days ever right?! Yes!! For sure!! You have NO idea how happy we are!!! And BEYOND excited!!!! But i'm struggling. And this is why i'm blogging today. It's not an all the time issue...but it comes and goes. Here's my struggle...
I've had 3 miscarriages. 3. 3 times i've gotten my hopes up about a baby, only to be heartbroken and disappointed. 3 times where i've had to recover. 3 times where i've had to pack up the few baby items we had into a box and not think about it. 3 times where i've had to keep myself from falling apart. And FINALLY, here we are. Pregnant. Happy. Out of the uneasy, scary, stressful 1st trimester!!! But with me trying not to get too attached still.
I mean, we're more than fine. Baby is healthy and strong!! Has a very strong heartbeat! We've seen it. Numerous times. We've had 4 sonograms already, so we've seen how good baby is looking! We've seen baby kicking and rolling around (most amazing thing ever!!!!). And all of our tests have come back with flying colors!! AND i'm already feeling baby move!! Yes, that's correct. Seems crazy at 14 weeks (actually it was about 12 1/2 weeks when it started. I'm told that can happen after you've had more than 1 pregnancy and i've clearly had a few. Even if they were short lived). All great news!! But why can't i let go of the painful past and revel and enjoy our baby?
Actually...no. I am enjoying the pregnancy so far. And there are moments where I'm loving on baby. But then i go back to the "don't do that...you don't want to get too attached yet" fears in my head. Even when i was super crazy nauseated in the first trimester, i was enjoying being pregnant. Honestly, i could have every horrible symptom known to man and i wouldn't have cared!! Seriously! But i'm just not attached to baby yet. I'm hoping it's coming though. I mean...at this point i'm starting to wonder about myself as a mommy. I'm incredibly protective of baby already though. So that's a plus. And i know that once we deliver baby in July, i'll be VERY attached. It's just trying to be there now that's the issue. I want to be. And i do love our baby. But i'm still freaked out. Self protection i suppose. But Brooks isn't like that. He's been talking to my belly since i told him we were expecting at 3.5 weeks. He said that after the last one he knew this next one would be a keeper. So he has no concerns about it.
Apparently feeling like this is very common. Not that that helps much, but i guess there's some comfort in knowing i'm not the only one. But honestly...it'd be nice to not worry every time i had to pee or have a gas pain. I mean hello?! Pregnant women pee 1 billion times a day and have a crazy amount of gas!! That's a lot of stress & worry! And i don't want to spend the next 5 1/2 months of my pregnancy freaked out, stressed out, or worried!! I don't want that to pass to our baby. I don't want our baby to be a stressed out person.
I've looked into books to see if there are some about how to deal with pregnancy after miscarriage. I've found nothing. There's been a couple pages in 2 books that i have discussing it. But it's SUPER unhelpful!! Give me an entire BOOK!! If you dear readers know of some, or even one, please let me know!! The author would make a bloody fortune i think. Maybe i need to write one. Or I wish there were some support groups for women who are going through this. Why aren't there?? WTF? This is a real issue. As much as i don't really want advice about my pregnancy (I have a son, so i have been pregnant before thanks), i need some. So if anyone out there has some words of wisdom to share, i welcome them. Though saying things like "Oh honey, don't stress" or "Don't worry, baby's fine". Those aren't helpful. Like ACTUAL advise!! That's not advice.
Here are the ones i try to remember that I've come up with:
So the last post was about 4 months ago. September. And i just have to
say...what a difference a few months make! I mean the last post was
about taking Clomid for the first time. And now...I'm making a
person!!!! WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 | |||
| I LOVE this!! Haha!!! |
 |
| This was our FB announcement!! |
I've been meaning to let my readers know that. But it's been a bit of an overwhelming thing, so i've been a wee bit distracted lately. We're due July 24th! So we're 14 weeks and now in the second trimester!! Whew!! We got through the ugly, terrifying 1st trimester! FINALLY!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! Yup! Don't mind me while i toot that horn loudly!!!!!
We actually did two rounds of Clomid for those who would like to know. I had a HORRIBLE cold right around the first round so that affected my body in negative ways with getting pregnant. While i wasn't crazy about taking it, clearly it worked and i will be forever grateful! And if we have to repeat it for baby #2, so be it. Both times i didn't really have many side affects. Really just hot flashes. No mood swings or anything. Easy peasy. Knock on wood. ;)
We told our families around the holidays. Brooks' family we told at Christmas and we waited to tell my family until New Years day. We wanted to tell them on the same day, but due to time differences and family stuff, we just couldn't do it the same day. But at any rate, everyone was THRILLED!!!! I have the BEST pics of Brooks' mom and dad!! I made them a countdown calendar to how many weeks left until they become grandparents (saw it on pinterest) and we gave them a framed sonogram pic. We went over to their house a bit early Christmas morning and gave them the two gifts. His mom still had wet hair and i assured her it didn't matter. Which it didn't!! The looks on both of their faces when they read the block (It says, "Weeks until we're grandparents" and there's numbered blocks at the top to change each week) is priceless!! A truly beautiful moment!! Brooks is an only child. So this is their first and only grandchild.
We then went to his grandma's house for brunch and we let Brooks' mom tell her and one of his aunts who was there already. His grandma's reaction was awesome!!!! She burst into tears of joy and had to sit down! She doesn't have any great grandchildren yet, and it seems this summer she'll get two! His cousin is also pregnant...a few weeks behind me. Seems our news didn't go over well with a few in the family. But honestly, after everything we've been through, i don't care!!!! Shame on them!! We will revel in our happy news and if some don't want to be happy for us, so be it. I refuse to compete with someone over who does what in their pregnancy, or pit the unborn babies against each other for being born first, who rolls over first...whatever! NO!! THIS mama bear won't stand for it!! Anyway...
I digress....we had to tell my family over the phone, so sadly i don't have pics of the reactions, but everyone was SUPER excited for us!!!! My mom teared up i think. Sounded like it.
So happiest days ever right?! Yes!! For sure!! You have NO idea how happy we are!!! And BEYOND excited!!!! But i'm struggling. And this is why i'm blogging today. It's not an all the time issue...but it comes and goes. Here's my struggle...
I've had 3 miscarriages. 3. 3 times i've gotten my hopes up about a baby, only to be heartbroken and disappointed. 3 times where i've had to recover. 3 times where i've had to pack up the few baby items we had into a box and not think about it. 3 times where i've had to keep myself from falling apart. And FINALLY, here we are. Pregnant. Happy. Out of the uneasy, scary, stressful 1st trimester!!! But with me trying not to get too attached still.
I mean, we're more than fine. Baby is healthy and strong!! Has a very strong heartbeat! We've seen it. Numerous times. We've had 4 sonograms already, so we've seen how good baby is looking! We've seen baby kicking and rolling around (most amazing thing ever!!!!). And all of our tests have come back with flying colors!! AND i'm already feeling baby move!! Yes, that's correct. Seems crazy at 14 weeks (actually it was about 12 1/2 weeks when it started. I'm told that can happen after you've had more than 1 pregnancy and i've clearly had a few. Even if they were short lived). All great news!! But why can't i let go of the painful past and revel and enjoy our baby?
 | ||
| Look at that sweet baby!!!! |
Actually...no. I am enjoying the pregnancy so far. And there are moments where I'm loving on baby. But then i go back to the "don't do that...you don't want to get too attached yet" fears in my head. Even when i was super crazy nauseated in the first trimester, i was enjoying being pregnant. Honestly, i could have every horrible symptom known to man and i wouldn't have cared!! Seriously! But i'm just not attached to baby yet. I'm hoping it's coming though. I mean...at this point i'm starting to wonder about myself as a mommy. I'm incredibly protective of baby already though. So that's a plus. And i know that once we deliver baby in July, i'll be VERY attached. It's just trying to be there now that's the issue. I want to be. And i do love our baby. But i'm still freaked out. Self protection i suppose. But Brooks isn't like that. He's been talking to my belly since i told him we were expecting at 3.5 weeks. He said that after the last one he knew this next one would be a keeper. So he has no concerns about it.
Apparently feeling like this is very common. Not that that helps much, but i guess there's some comfort in knowing i'm not the only one. But honestly...it'd be nice to not worry every time i had to pee or have a gas pain. I mean hello?! Pregnant women pee 1 billion times a day and have a crazy amount of gas!! That's a lot of stress & worry! And i don't want to spend the next 5 1/2 months of my pregnancy freaked out, stressed out, or worried!! I don't want that to pass to our baby. I don't want our baby to be a stressed out person.
I've looked into books to see if there are some about how to deal with pregnancy after miscarriage. I've found nothing. There's been a couple pages in 2 books that i have discussing it. But it's SUPER unhelpful!! Give me an entire BOOK!! If you dear readers know of some, or even one, please let me know!! The author would make a bloody fortune i think. Maybe i need to write one. Or I wish there were some support groups for women who are going through this. Why aren't there?? WTF? This is a real issue. As much as i don't really want advice about my pregnancy (I have a son, so i have been pregnant before thanks), i need some. So if anyone out there has some words of wisdom to share, i welcome them. Though saying things like "Oh honey, don't stress" or "Don't worry, baby's fine". Those aren't helpful. Like ACTUAL advise!! That's not advice.
Here are the ones i try to remember that I've come up with:
- Your baby is the only one who knows what your heart sounds like from the inside, so make each heartbeat a positive one.
- Love knows no bounds, so tell this baby you love him/her often. Mean it.
- Enjoy every moment creating this life!
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Fertiltiy Drugs
I say in a lot of my personal posts that i post them not so much for me, but for the folks out there who may be going through similar issues. A friend maybe, an acquaintance, or a total stranger who happens upon this blog. I write these for them. If even one person can read this and know that they aren't alone in their struggle, then writing this all out for you is so worth it!! You aren't alone!! I'm right there with you. And if you want to chat, we can totally do that! Send me an email at: lovehappened33@gmail.com. Let's chat! I may not be able to give you useful information on how to help, but i am a good listener...er reader, and I'm happy to be a shoulder to you!! Even sharing with just one person can be really helpful!! No one should have to bear this kind of thing alone.
***
In May i posted "Lack of a Bump" and talked about our fertility journey. I am choosing not to call it a struggle. Not yet. And at the end of that post i talked about the surgery i had just had in April to remove scar tissue and to "fix" the issue with miscarrying. Well that was almost 5 months ago, so lets go from there. Back to May...
We did get pregnant in May. And we were thrilled. Yet, i was still very uneasy. I think a very natural response after 2 miscarriages. We found out a few days before Brooks' birthday in June. By his birthday i was miscarrying. Again. #3. Not at all the birthday celebration we had intended. Instead of going out to dinner that Thursday night, we wound up at the Women's Hospital in Greensboro waiting for tests and sonograms to see what was going on. Since we were only 4.5 weeks, they couldn't see if the baby had a heartbeat. Which in retrospect was a good thing. Last time we saw the heartbeat and it gave us a false hope.
We left the hospital around 11pm that night, still had yet to eat dinner. I cried off and on all the way home. I kept asking Brooks if he was sure he wanted to be with me. I mean, i could take the ring off. Give it back. It's not that i didn't love him of course, but i just didn't want to go through this again and again, and never have kids together and we get to our old age and him have regrets about being with me. Regretting never having children is a difficult thing. I've seen it with some friends of mine. I'm not sure you ever get over that. So i guess i just wanted to be sure he was sure that I was what he wanted regardless of what happened with the kid front. He of course told me to shush and wouldn't really even talk about it with me as he said i was being ridiculous. Probably.
I called my doc the next day so she knew just what was going on and see if she needed to see me. She sent a message back through her nurse and told me, as devastating as it was to be going through this again, we DID get pregnant after the surgery and that was half the goal right there!! She didn't need to see me unless i needed or wanted to, but she did want to repeat the blood work. She also wanted to know if we wanted to be referred to a further specialist. Nope! Not yet!!
On Saturday we had a chill weekend. We didn't go anywhere or do anything. But i wanted to discuss this again with Brooks. I brought it up again...
Me: "Babe? I want you to be certain you're not going to have regrets if i can't give you any children. I mean that's a big thing!! What if it never happens for us? What if we get old and grey and that's it? I just don't want you to look back and wish you hadn't married or stayed with me..."
Brooks: "STOP!! I'm not having this conversation love!! I love you. Period! Not because you can or can't give me kids. I love YOU. And if we have kids, that's a bonus!! And if we don't...well we'll be the best Auntie and Uncle we can be!! We'll go get Dylan or Elijah for the weekend, get em' all sugared up and spoiled and send them home and those kids will adore us!!" It made me laugh to think of that image. Then he continued..."Plus...I'm not giving up!! No! And you're not either! We're gonna get pregnant! And we're gonna have an awesome kid because it's you and me together, and that kid is gonna be SO spoiled because we've lost 2 and we're gonna spoil that one for the others! ...Plus...you know what they say right?"
Me: "Third time's the charm?"
Brooks: "Well that too...but i was gonna say, There's a right way, a wrong wayyyy...annnnd....."
Me: "And the Roach way. Ugh! And our kid is a Roach. Damnit!"
*The Roach way is a joke within the family. See...there is the right way to do things, the wrong way and then the Roach way is where they figure it out themselves usually taking much longer or going around the planet for a simple matter. Friends who camped with us this year saw that one in all it's glory while trying to put together an A-frame canopy.
We both started laughing. I have to admit it was nice to see such over the top positivity from Brooks. I mean, he's not a pessimistic person, but he's certainly not that outright positive about things usually.
The following Monday i had to go back into the doc's office to have repeat blood work done. I was actually ok when i was there. I didn't burst into tears at seeing adorable women rocking their bumps. I was fine. But when i got to the truck, i wasn't fine. So i called a friend and met her for a beer. But while i was sitting talking with her, i was even more not fine. In fact i was pissed!! My friend has never had or wanted kids, so she just doesn't get it. So i try very hard not to take anything she says on the matter overly personally, but you just NEVER say to a woman who's just miscarried "Well, maybe you partied too hard when you went camping last month!" W? T? F?! NO!!!! Though i did my best to remain cool and collected in front of her, and i did explain that's not at all how it works as well as explained how much i really didn't party while camping, i was devastated and so hurt. And if your curious about other things NOT to say, look at the post "Lack of a Bump". I've got a good list there, as well as what the hell to say instead!!
I left and headed home and sobbed all the way home. I was a mess!! I posted some vague message on facebook about driving while sobbing and a girlfriend commented. One who has also miscarried, so she gets it. I texted her and said, "We miscarried again". She didn't text back, but picked up the phone. We chatted for about 45 minutes. I could totally hear it in her voice how upset she was for me. Women who know what it's like usually are. And it was good to talk to her about it. She reassured me that i was being too controlling about it (which is super weird because i don't think I'm much of a controlling person with anything else) and that it certainly wasn't my fault. She also said that i needed to let it go with the 'Brooks is going to have regrets!' thing. She told me that's not why he's with me anyway, it would be a bonus. I felt better by the time we hung up.
The next day i went to see a diabetes educator to get my new insulin pump hooked up. After the appointment i went to see another friend of mine. A mutual guy friend of Brooks and mine. I hung out with him sitting on him and his girlfriends patio just chatting and catching up. He asked what was new at one point, and so i told him. He knew about the first miscarriage and knew what we had been through in trying again. He told me how sorry he was. Then i told him about the Brooks having regret. He looked at me and said, "OMG JULES!! NO!!! Brooks isn't with you because you're a baby making machine!! He loves you! No matter what happens in life, you know he'll be with you because he loves you! So stop that right now!!" Fair enough. He was right of course. Then he continued... "You're trying to control this you know. And you can't. Not that i know much about how fertility works, but I'm pretty certain it's out of your control." How bizarre. Ok...been told that twice now. Perhaps they know me better than i know me. At any rate, i was feeling a lot better about it. What a difference a day and the right people make to ones outlook!!
The next week i had to go to see my endocrinologist. I told him what had happened. I try to keep him up to date with the fertility stuff as much as possible. He asked how i was dealing with it compared to last time. I did say and felt that the first time was SO horribly devastating, not that this time wasn't, but we both were doing better than last time. I was actually out in the world being around my friends, and not locked in the house on the couch in my sweats. Then of course i asked him if he thought I miscarried because of x,y,z. He looked at me, relaxed in his chair a bit and said, "Juliana, you need to stop beating yourself up over this! Sometimes it happens and we just don't know why! I truly don't believe you did anything to cause it!! So no! I don't think it's due to anything you did or didn't do. You've got to stop trying to control this, because sadly hun it's totally out of your control. You need to relax." It was so weird to hear him say a lot of what my friends had told me the week before. I told him about that. He suggested that maybe i need to go to a yoga class or look into meditation or something then. Not bad advice.
I'm not going to go into specific details, as i don't want to gross anyone out and quite frankly it's VERY TMI!! But for the ladies...i am hoping you know what i mean when i say...there didn't seem to be an end in sight to that monthly "gift" afterwards. So i called the doc. She had me come in to do an ultrasound to see what was happening. That was in July. So that monthly "gift" had been happening for a month by then. UGH!! And I was dealing with an excruciating amount of painful cramping as well. The ultrasound showed i had a cyst. Lovely. So apparently even though the gift hadn't let up, i ovulated anyway....or tried and it turned into a cyst. WTF?! She gave me a prescription for an estrogen supplement for 10 days to reboot my system and hopefully stop the gift. What it actually was supposed to do was to stop the gift, then as soon as i stopped taking the meds, it would give me the gift again. UGH!! But then i should be back to normal. She also gave me a prescription for clomid to start the next cycle after the estrogen reboot, along with specific instructions. I had definite reservations about that!! I had heard all kinds of horror stories about it! But she said that it's like anything else with side effects...everyone deals with them differently. But she gave me some literature on what to expect and how to deal with it.
She then told me that she would give us another 6 months. If in 6 months we still weren't pregnant and holding onto a pregnancy she would have to send me to a further specialist as she has exceeded her expertise. I hoped it wouldn't come to that!!
Another 2 weeks went by and i still hadn't gotten rid of this damned gift and was loosing my mind!! What period lasts THAT long?! I mean really!! So i called the docs office. They said to do another round of estrogen and wait to see if that helped. Fine. I did that. Then waited a week. By that time it had been 73 days. YES! You read that correctly!! Aunt flow...73 freakin days!! Cramps and all!! Yes ladies and gents...i am a rock star! Not that i want to be...but damn! Give me some serious snaps for dealing with that!! Because it wasn't painless, that is for certain!!
So FINALLY 73 days later i was 'gift' free!! YAY!!!!! And what's funny...is that then we were waiting for it to show up so I could take the clomid! Hahaha!!! The break was nice though!! VERY nice!! Ahhh.....
So a couple weeks ago the gift did show up. And i took the clomid last week as instructed. Same time everyday for 5 days. I had my alarm set on my phone. Then i started researching the side effect that are typical. I mean i kinda knew them, but i wanted some more info. So far, and I'm certainly not complaining...the only thing I've had is hot flashes. I haven't been weepy, emotional, or a raging...you know what! I looked last night online to see if there was a "how to know if clomid is actually working" link. No, not really. Some ladies just don't have symptoms. I will count myself lucky!! Especially after a 73 day gift!! Perhaps that was my reward?! :) During the time i started the clomid, i got a "cold" that turned into Bronchitis. Awesome. Wednesday i had to take myself to Urgent Care as i couldn't breathe. The doc gave me 3 albuterol breathing treatments and gave me a shot in the ass of prednisone. Then gave me a script for prednisone pills as well as an albuterol inhaler and antibiotics. AND i was on cold meds. So I was on all the drugs. Talk about a lot!! Goodness me!!
So that's the latest since May. Now we wait. There is no definitive on clomid working. Sometimes it works in the first cycle you take it, sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't the dosage goes up. And you don't know if it is working until ovulation. There is just no way to actually know. I'm actually skipping the going into the docs office every other day for blood work, and scans and all that mess. A lot of docs do that. We may be skipping it because I've been pregnant before so my clomid use is a bit different in that respect. We know I'm fertile. That's not the issue. Holding onto it is the issue. But then there's that...they say in allllll the books that when a woman miscarries it's for a reason. Like your body and mother nature knows that isn't a viable pregnancy. They also say that after a miscarriage within the first 6 months of it, a woman is less likely to miscarry again. So we've got that going for us until December. Seriously crossing fingers now!!
Now we wait it out i guess. And used the OPK's (ovulation predictor kit) on a daily basis. Pee, dip, wait, repeat. Good times i tell ya!!
The fear of course for a lot of women taking clomid is the chance of having multiples. Which actually isn't terribly high, but you never know. Plus I have twins that run in my family on both sides. Though my fathers side is what they count, not mom's side. My grandmother AND grandfather on his side were both twins and my grandmother had another set of twin sisters! And it skipped my aunt and dad and their kids so far. So who knows. We might get a double blessing. Either way, i don't care! Our goal is at least 1. Any more is just an added bonus!!
Through all of this it's been a bit of a struggle to remain positive about it. To stay upbeat and not get down or get too hard on myself. I go back and fourth at times about it. Which according to my therapist is a natural response and it's perfectly fine to do. But through it all we remain a united front. Brooks and i are closer than before. I truly didn't know that was even possible, but we are. And we're on the same page. This is our fight. We keep going no matter what happens because this is what we want. 10 fingers and 10 toes. And we're not giving up!!
***
In May i posted "Lack of a Bump" and talked about our fertility journey. I am choosing not to call it a struggle. Not yet. And at the end of that post i talked about the surgery i had just had in April to remove scar tissue and to "fix" the issue with miscarrying. Well that was almost 5 months ago, so lets go from there. Back to May...
We did get pregnant in May. And we were thrilled. Yet, i was still very uneasy. I think a very natural response after 2 miscarriages. We found out a few days before Brooks' birthday in June. By his birthday i was miscarrying. Again. #3. Not at all the birthday celebration we had intended. Instead of going out to dinner that Thursday night, we wound up at the Women's Hospital in Greensboro waiting for tests and sonograms to see what was going on. Since we were only 4.5 weeks, they couldn't see if the baby had a heartbeat. Which in retrospect was a good thing. Last time we saw the heartbeat and it gave us a false hope.
We left the hospital around 11pm that night, still had yet to eat dinner. I cried off and on all the way home. I kept asking Brooks if he was sure he wanted to be with me. I mean, i could take the ring off. Give it back. It's not that i didn't love him of course, but i just didn't want to go through this again and again, and never have kids together and we get to our old age and him have regrets about being with me. Regretting never having children is a difficult thing. I've seen it with some friends of mine. I'm not sure you ever get over that. So i guess i just wanted to be sure he was sure that I was what he wanted regardless of what happened with the kid front. He of course told me to shush and wouldn't really even talk about it with me as he said i was being ridiculous. Probably.
I called my doc the next day so she knew just what was going on and see if she needed to see me. She sent a message back through her nurse and told me, as devastating as it was to be going through this again, we DID get pregnant after the surgery and that was half the goal right there!! She didn't need to see me unless i needed or wanted to, but she did want to repeat the blood work. She also wanted to know if we wanted to be referred to a further specialist. Nope! Not yet!!
On Saturday we had a chill weekend. We didn't go anywhere or do anything. But i wanted to discuss this again with Brooks. I brought it up again...
Me: "Babe? I want you to be certain you're not going to have regrets if i can't give you any children. I mean that's a big thing!! What if it never happens for us? What if we get old and grey and that's it? I just don't want you to look back and wish you hadn't married or stayed with me..."
Brooks: "STOP!! I'm not having this conversation love!! I love you. Period! Not because you can or can't give me kids. I love YOU. And if we have kids, that's a bonus!! And if we don't...well we'll be the best Auntie and Uncle we can be!! We'll go get Dylan or Elijah for the weekend, get em' all sugared up and spoiled and send them home and those kids will adore us!!" It made me laugh to think of that image. Then he continued..."Plus...I'm not giving up!! No! And you're not either! We're gonna get pregnant! And we're gonna have an awesome kid because it's you and me together, and that kid is gonna be SO spoiled because we've lost 2 and we're gonna spoil that one for the others! ...Plus...you know what they say right?"
Me: "Third time's the charm?"
Brooks: "Well that too...but i was gonna say, There's a right way, a wrong wayyyy...annnnd....."
Me: "And the Roach way. Ugh! And our kid is a Roach. Damnit!"
*The Roach way is a joke within the family. See...there is the right way to do things, the wrong way and then the Roach way is where they figure it out themselves usually taking much longer or going around the planet for a simple matter. Friends who camped with us this year saw that one in all it's glory while trying to put together an A-frame canopy.
We both started laughing. I have to admit it was nice to see such over the top positivity from Brooks. I mean, he's not a pessimistic person, but he's certainly not that outright positive about things usually.
The following Monday i had to go back into the doc's office to have repeat blood work done. I was actually ok when i was there. I didn't burst into tears at seeing adorable women rocking their bumps. I was fine. But when i got to the truck, i wasn't fine. So i called a friend and met her for a beer. But while i was sitting talking with her, i was even more not fine. In fact i was pissed!! My friend has never had or wanted kids, so she just doesn't get it. So i try very hard not to take anything she says on the matter overly personally, but you just NEVER say to a woman who's just miscarried "Well, maybe you partied too hard when you went camping last month!" W? T? F?! NO!!!! Though i did my best to remain cool and collected in front of her, and i did explain that's not at all how it works as well as explained how much i really didn't party while camping, i was devastated and so hurt. And if your curious about other things NOT to say, look at the post "Lack of a Bump". I've got a good list there, as well as what the hell to say instead!!
I left and headed home and sobbed all the way home. I was a mess!! I posted some vague message on facebook about driving while sobbing and a girlfriend commented. One who has also miscarried, so she gets it. I texted her and said, "We miscarried again". She didn't text back, but picked up the phone. We chatted for about 45 minutes. I could totally hear it in her voice how upset she was for me. Women who know what it's like usually are. And it was good to talk to her about it. She reassured me that i was being too controlling about it (which is super weird because i don't think I'm much of a controlling person with anything else) and that it certainly wasn't my fault. She also said that i needed to let it go with the 'Brooks is going to have regrets!' thing. She told me that's not why he's with me anyway, it would be a bonus. I felt better by the time we hung up.
The next day i went to see a diabetes educator to get my new insulin pump hooked up. After the appointment i went to see another friend of mine. A mutual guy friend of Brooks and mine. I hung out with him sitting on him and his girlfriends patio just chatting and catching up. He asked what was new at one point, and so i told him. He knew about the first miscarriage and knew what we had been through in trying again. He told me how sorry he was. Then i told him about the Brooks having regret. He looked at me and said, "OMG JULES!! NO!!! Brooks isn't with you because you're a baby making machine!! He loves you! No matter what happens in life, you know he'll be with you because he loves you! So stop that right now!!" Fair enough. He was right of course. Then he continued... "You're trying to control this you know. And you can't. Not that i know much about how fertility works, but I'm pretty certain it's out of your control." How bizarre. Ok...been told that twice now. Perhaps they know me better than i know me. At any rate, i was feeling a lot better about it. What a difference a day and the right people make to ones outlook!!
The next week i had to go to see my endocrinologist. I told him what had happened. I try to keep him up to date with the fertility stuff as much as possible. He asked how i was dealing with it compared to last time. I did say and felt that the first time was SO horribly devastating, not that this time wasn't, but we both were doing better than last time. I was actually out in the world being around my friends, and not locked in the house on the couch in my sweats. Then of course i asked him if he thought I miscarried because of x,y,z. He looked at me, relaxed in his chair a bit and said, "Juliana, you need to stop beating yourself up over this! Sometimes it happens and we just don't know why! I truly don't believe you did anything to cause it!! So no! I don't think it's due to anything you did or didn't do. You've got to stop trying to control this, because sadly hun it's totally out of your control. You need to relax." It was so weird to hear him say a lot of what my friends had told me the week before. I told him about that. He suggested that maybe i need to go to a yoga class or look into meditation or something then. Not bad advice.
I'm not going to go into specific details, as i don't want to gross anyone out and quite frankly it's VERY TMI!! But for the ladies...i am hoping you know what i mean when i say...there didn't seem to be an end in sight to that monthly "gift" afterwards. So i called the doc. She had me come in to do an ultrasound to see what was happening. That was in July. So that monthly "gift" had been happening for a month by then. UGH!! And I was dealing with an excruciating amount of painful cramping as well. The ultrasound showed i had a cyst. Lovely. So apparently even though the gift hadn't let up, i ovulated anyway....or tried and it turned into a cyst. WTF?! She gave me a prescription for an estrogen supplement for 10 days to reboot my system and hopefully stop the gift. What it actually was supposed to do was to stop the gift, then as soon as i stopped taking the meds, it would give me the gift again. UGH!! But then i should be back to normal. She also gave me a prescription for clomid to start the next cycle after the estrogen reboot, along with specific instructions. I had definite reservations about that!! I had heard all kinds of horror stories about it! But she said that it's like anything else with side effects...everyone deals with them differently. But she gave me some literature on what to expect and how to deal with it.
She then told me that she would give us another 6 months. If in 6 months we still weren't pregnant and holding onto a pregnancy she would have to send me to a further specialist as she has exceeded her expertise. I hoped it wouldn't come to that!!
Another 2 weeks went by and i still hadn't gotten rid of this damned gift and was loosing my mind!! What period lasts THAT long?! I mean really!! So i called the docs office. They said to do another round of estrogen and wait to see if that helped. Fine. I did that. Then waited a week. By that time it had been 73 days. YES! You read that correctly!! Aunt flow...73 freakin days!! Cramps and all!! Yes ladies and gents...i am a rock star! Not that i want to be...but damn! Give me some serious snaps for dealing with that!! Because it wasn't painless, that is for certain!!
So FINALLY 73 days later i was 'gift' free!! YAY!!!!! And what's funny...is that then we were waiting for it to show up so I could take the clomid! Hahaha!!! The break was nice though!! VERY nice!! Ahhh.....
So a couple weeks ago the gift did show up. And i took the clomid last week as instructed. Same time everyday for 5 days. I had my alarm set on my phone. Then i started researching the side effect that are typical. I mean i kinda knew them, but i wanted some more info. So far, and I'm certainly not complaining...the only thing I've had is hot flashes. I haven't been weepy, emotional, or a raging...you know what! I looked last night online to see if there was a "how to know if clomid is actually working" link. No, not really. Some ladies just don't have symptoms. I will count myself lucky!! Especially after a 73 day gift!! Perhaps that was my reward?! :) During the time i started the clomid, i got a "cold" that turned into Bronchitis. Awesome. Wednesday i had to take myself to Urgent Care as i couldn't breathe. The doc gave me 3 albuterol breathing treatments and gave me a shot in the ass of prednisone. Then gave me a script for prednisone pills as well as an albuterol inhaler and antibiotics. AND i was on cold meds. So I was on all the drugs. Talk about a lot!! Goodness me!!
So that's the latest since May. Now we wait. There is no definitive on clomid working. Sometimes it works in the first cycle you take it, sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't the dosage goes up. And you don't know if it is working until ovulation. There is just no way to actually know. I'm actually skipping the going into the docs office every other day for blood work, and scans and all that mess. A lot of docs do that. We may be skipping it because I've been pregnant before so my clomid use is a bit different in that respect. We know I'm fertile. That's not the issue. Holding onto it is the issue. But then there's that...they say in allllll the books that when a woman miscarries it's for a reason. Like your body and mother nature knows that isn't a viable pregnancy. They also say that after a miscarriage within the first 6 months of it, a woman is less likely to miscarry again. So we've got that going for us until December. Seriously crossing fingers now!!
Now we wait it out i guess. And used the OPK's (ovulation predictor kit) on a daily basis. Pee, dip, wait, repeat. Good times i tell ya!!
The fear of course for a lot of women taking clomid is the chance of having multiples. Which actually isn't terribly high, but you never know. Plus I have twins that run in my family on both sides. Though my fathers side is what they count, not mom's side. My grandmother AND grandfather on his side were both twins and my grandmother had another set of twin sisters! And it skipped my aunt and dad and their kids so far. So who knows. We might get a double blessing. Either way, i don't care! Our goal is at least 1. Any more is just an added bonus!!
Through all of this it's been a bit of a struggle to remain positive about it. To stay upbeat and not get down or get too hard on myself. I go back and fourth at times about it. Which according to my therapist is a natural response and it's perfectly fine to do. But through it all we remain a united front. Brooks and i are closer than before. I truly didn't know that was even possible, but we are. And we're on the same page. This is our fight. We keep going no matter what happens because this is what we want. 10 fingers and 10 toes. And we're not giving up!!
Monday, September 7, 2015
The Great Hair Saga Continues...The Hairy Situation Part Trois
So those that read my blog on a regular basis (THANK YOU!!! You're AWESOME!!) have probably read the Hairy Situation and the Hairy Situation Part Deux. The first two halves of this post.
It's been 2 years since i started growing this mess out. I decided i needed a change, and why not grow it back out. Let Brooks see it long. But i wasn't sure how long i could stand to actually grow it, so i figured a year maybe. Last year, when i posted the Part Deux i was pretty ready to chop it back off. But i waited. I really kept thinking i wanted my hair long for our wedding. However, it may be a while until our wedding and i just can't stand it ANY LONGER!!!! (No pun intended).
Ok, so it's not always been horrible. But long hair is a pain in the ass!! Like big time! I have very fine hair. So it's almost impossible for it to hold a style other than what it does on it's own, which isn't good. Unless of course i pay someone to style it, but who am I? Rockefeller? Umm...not last time i checked! Both sides curl weird, and not in a way that goes or compliments the other side. It's just wonky. I can spend a good 45 minutes just straightening it...but then eventually, it'll do what it wants in the back anyway, so what's the point? I cut my bangs a while back and that helped for a while. With me liking it anyway. But that's over. I'm back to hating it. And then i realized that i have not photographed well in a LOOOONG time!! I blame the hair! Part of it is my skin as it's been freaking out lately, so my face is red and blotchy, but the hair sure as hell isn't helping! Plus as far as washing...UGH! I should've bought stock in shampoo before growing it out! Not to mention it takes FOREVER to dry!! I try not to use a hair dryer as much as i can, but i can't walk around in wet hair all day either. SO. HIGH. MAINTENANCE!!!!
The other day a friend of ours posted on facebook the most adorable pic of this hair color and the cut that the gal in the pic was rocking? Adorably short! Not pixie short, but short. That was it! I'd been seeing a TON of cute short hair styles posted on facebook for far too long. I was READY!!
I started dinner and while it was baking, i went to the living room where Brooks was relaxing after work. I sat on the couch and looked at him.
I said to him, "Baby? We need to chat".
Him: "Yes love?"
Me: "I know this isn't going to go over well, but I've made a decision"
Him: ....
Me: "I'm cutting my hair. It's time"
Him: "What? But whyyyy??"
Me: "Babe. It's time. I ust can't stand this shit anymore. I'm sorry."
Him: "But it's so pretty!! You never wear it down!"
Me: "That's why though!! Because it's a PAIN IN THE ASS and i hate it!! It's SO much trouble!! I just wear it up all the time anyway, so what's the point?"
Him: "But it's so pretty!"
Me: "That's not a good enough reason babe. It's gotta go!"
Him: "But...it's pretty!!"
Me: "I find hair EVERYWHERE!!! For real! I find it in my coffee and my sandwiches...damn near on a daily basis! I get it stuck in the car door, or the car window. It clogs the shower drain! And it's EVERYWHERE!!! HAIR EVERYWHERE!!! I feel like a freakin dog who needs to be brushed everyday! It's gotta go babe. I'm sorry. But i need you to get prepared. I'm calling Adam tomorrow"
He got fairly quiet for the rest of the night. Not that he was angry mind you. Thankfully!! I would leave him if he was pissed over my hair! And i'll get to that in a minute. But i think he was really just sad. Or in denial. One of the two. Perhaps a little column A, a little of column B.
It's true that he does love my hair long. But he doesn't have to deal with it everyday. And truth also be told that he is the ONLY person I've ever met who has said that my short hair didn't suit me. WHAT?! Yea. I brought that up too. He's partial. It's a lie. He just prefers long hair to short. But this was a battle he wouldn't win.
When i was a kid i wasn't allowed to get it cut until i was 13. When i got married, my husband wouldn't allow me to get it cut. Yes. You read that right. As if i was his property. He wouldn't allow it. The long term boyfriend after him, wouldn't let me cut it either. No wonder that i had it short for 6 years after that!! I don't take that kindly. A man telling me what i can and cannot do with my own hair. Or anyone for that matter! Anyone who knows me well, knows I'm stubborn to a fault. And I'll stand my ground on things! ESPECIALLY things that trivial! Sounds weird to say that hair is trivial, yet I'll get really pissy if someone tells me what i can and cannot do with it. It's the principal of it.
The next day i did as i said i was going to. I called Adam. I had a slight panic attack while i waited for the phone to his salon to be answered. What if he's not there anymore?! What will i do? I can't have just anyone cut it!! I'll hunt him down if i have to! If he's in NC I'll find him. Thankfully, he was still there. I haven't seen him in almost 2 years! December 2013.
Adam is pretty awesome! He's got a dry sense of humor, but we've never struggled to find things to chat about. He's amazing at what he does too! He knows hair, and the best part...he knows MY hair! Almost better than i do!! The last time i was in and i got the boring librarian cut, he was really wanting me to cave and have him cut it short again. Like he got the clippers out! So i think he's been as ready as i have to cut it off again, was just waiting for me to agree. He's always said it suited me. I can't agree more!! It was easy, fun, and low maintenance!
The guy who answered the phone seemed to get confused with a few questions i had about color, and put Adam on the phone. Which wasn't really necessary, but i was happy to hear his voice.
Him: "This is Adam"
Me: "Hi Adam! This is Juliana."
Him: "Oh my gawd! HI!!"
Me: "Been a while! I haven't seen you in what...a year and a half?"
Him: "Yes, i think that's about right. Well what's going on?"
Me: "It's time Adam. I'm cutting my hair"
Him: "Just a trim?"
Me: "Oh no! Like chopping this mess OFF!"
Him: "Wow!! OK!!"
Me: "Brooks isn't happy about it, but..."
Him: I could hear him roll his eyes over the phone. "He'll get over it. When?"
As of today, I've got 10 days left!!
Now I'm not about to post pics of what I'm getting done. That's no fun! But it'll be short. Not quite as short as i got last time (or in above pics)...that's a bit too far. But I'm wanting something a bit different. Fun, and short, but not pixie short.
So after i get it cut, I'll post the last installment of the Hairy Situation so y'all can see the pics. See ya in 10 days!!
...To Be Continued.
It's been 2 years since i started growing this mess out. I decided i needed a change, and why not grow it back out. Let Brooks see it long. But i wasn't sure how long i could stand to actually grow it, so i figured a year maybe. Last year, when i posted the Part Deux i was pretty ready to chop it back off. But i waited. I really kept thinking i wanted my hair long for our wedding. However, it may be a while until our wedding and i just can't stand it ANY LONGER!!!! (No pun intended).
Ok, so it's not always been horrible. But long hair is a pain in the ass!! Like big time! I have very fine hair. So it's almost impossible for it to hold a style other than what it does on it's own, which isn't good. Unless of course i pay someone to style it, but who am I? Rockefeller? Umm...not last time i checked! Both sides curl weird, and not in a way that goes or compliments the other side. It's just wonky. I can spend a good 45 minutes just straightening it...but then eventually, it'll do what it wants in the back anyway, so what's the point? I cut my bangs a while back and that helped for a while. With me liking it anyway. But that's over. I'm back to hating it. And then i realized that i have not photographed well in a LOOOONG time!! I blame the hair! Part of it is my skin as it's been freaking out lately, so my face is red and blotchy, but the hair sure as hell isn't helping! Plus as far as washing...UGH! I should've bought stock in shampoo before growing it out! Not to mention it takes FOREVER to dry!! I try not to use a hair dryer as much as i can, but i can't walk around in wet hair all day either. SO. HIGH. MAINTENANCE!!!!
 |
| This is the only good pic of me in MONTHS!!! And this took WORK! |
The other day a friend of ours posted on facebook the most adorable pic of this hair color and the cut that the gal in the pic was rocking? Adorably short! Not pixie short, but short. That was it! I'd been seeing a TON of cute short hair styles posted on facebook for far too long. I was READY!!
I started dinner and while it was baking, i went to the living room where Brooks was relaxing after work. I sat on the couch and looked at him.
I said to him, "Baby? We need to chat".
Him: "Yes love?"
Me: "I know this isn't going to go over well, but I've made a decision"
Him: ....
Me: "I'm cutting my hair. It's time"
Him: "What? But whyyyy??"
Me: "Babe. It's time. I ust can't stand this shit anymore. I'm sorry."
Him: "But it's so pretty!! You never wear it down!"
Me: "That's why though!! Because it's a PAIN IN THE ASS and i hate it!! It's SO much trouble!! I just wear it up all the time anyway, so what's the point?"
Him: "But it's so pretty!"
Me: "That's not a good enough reason babe. It's gotta go!"
Him: "But...it's pretty!!"
Me: "I find hair EVERYWHERE!!! For real! I find it in my coffee and my sandwiches...damn near on a daily basis! I get it stuck in the car door, or the car window. It clogs the shower drain! And it's EVERYWHERE!!! HAIR EVERYWHERE!!! I feel like a freakin dog who needs to be brushed everyday! It's gotta go babe. I'm sorry. But i need you to get prepared. I'm calling Adam tomorrow"
He got fairly quiet for the rest of the night. Not that he was angry mind you. Thankfully!! I would leave him if he was pissed over my hair! And i'll get to that in a minute. But i think he was really just sad. Or in denial. One of the two. Perhaps a little column A, a little of column B.
It's true that he does love my hair long. But he doesn't have to deal with it everyday. And truth also be told that he is the ONLY person I've ever met who has said that my short hair didn't suit me. WHAT?! Yea. I brought that up too. He's partial. It's a lie. He just prefers long hair to short. But this was a battle he wouldn't win.
 |
| See...FUN hair! |
The next day i did as i said i was going to. I called Adam. I had a slight panic attack while i waited for the phone to his salon to be answered. What if he's not there anymore?! What will i do? I can't have just anyone cut it!! I'll hunt him down if i have to! If he's in NC I'll find him. Thankfully, he was still there. I haven't seen him in almost 2 years! December 2013.
Adam is pretty awesome! He's got a dry sense of humor, but we've never struggled to find things to chat about. He's amazing at what he does too! He knows hair, and the best part...he knows MY hair! Almost better than i do!! The last time i was in and i got the boring librarian cut, he was really wanting me to cave and have him cut it short again. Like he got the clippers out! So i think he's been as ready as i have to cut it off again, was just waiting for me to agree. He's always said it suited me. I can't agree more!! It was easy, fun, and low maintenance!
The guy who answered the phone seemed to get confused with a few questions i had about color, and put Adam on the phone. Which wasn't really necessary, but i was happy to hear his voice.
Him: "This is Adam"
Me: "Hi Adam! This is Juliana."
Him: "Oh my gawd! HI!!"
Me: "Been a while! I haven't seen you in what...a year and a half?"
Him: "Yes, i think that's about right. Well what's going on?"
Me: "It's time Adam. I'm cutting my hair"
Him: "Just a trim?"
Me: "Oh no! Like chopping this mess OFF!"
Him: "Wow!! OK!!"
Me: "Brooks isn't happy about it, but..."
Him: I could hear him roll his eyes over the phone. "He'll get over it. When?"
As of today, I've got 10 days left!!
Now I'm not about to post pics of what I'm getting done. That's no fun! But it'll be short. Not quite as short as i got last time (or in above pics)...that's a bit too far. But I'm wanting something a bit different. Fun, and short, but not pixie short.
So after i get it cut, I'll post the last installment of the Hairy Situation so y'all can see the pics. See ya in 10 days!!
...To Be Continued.
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