I am celebrating each and EVERY moment during this pregnancy!! See...for those of you who may not know, (and i say that in response to a lot of FB comments about tips of being pregnant or how it feels to be pregnant...assuming this is the first pregnancy for me, which it isn't) I have a 17 year old son. Yes folks, i am already a mother. Shocking to some I'm sure. My son lives in Oregon with his father and step mother, i haven't seen him in a number of years, and haven't spoken to him in about 2 years...it's a difficult situation, so i don't talk about it since it's no one else's business. I do talk about it with my therapist though.
Anyway...during my first pregnancy i was 19 years old. I was with his father...and he wouldn't let me celebrate my pregnancy. He was/is a very controlling man. His parents were farmers/country people. So the only thing they had to say about a grandchild coming was "Cows have babies everyday so it's really not a big deal". My first pregnancy was HORRIBLE!!!! From the day i found out i was pregnant, to 2 weeks after delivery when i could finally bring my baby home.
I was told constantly that cows had babies everyday. I was told that daily actually since we lived in a 5th wheel trailer in my ex's parents backyard. We didn't move into a duplex until October of that year. I spent almost 7 months living there. That was a LOT of dinners and just hanging out watching TV with them while they chain smoked away. Yup. Smoked while sitting next to me while i was pregnant!! His dad, in all his infinite wisdom told me at one point that him smoking a cigarette and the baby being bothered by it was like this...if he had a 5th of whiskey and i got a drop...then what would the baby actually get? Not much of anything. I needed to stop worrying. I always tried to fight for my baby, and would say things about how much doctors know NOW as compared to 24 years ago. Their reaction was always smugness. "Doctors...*harrumph* they don't know anything". I got to the point where I'd just stay by myself in the trailer and read or watch the two channels we got in there. I couldn't be around that. Not for my baby. I actually threw up once from the smoke in their house.
I was told that maternity clothes were a huge waste of money so there was very little for me to feel good in. I literally had 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of shorts and 3 shirts. I wasn't allowed to buy a bigger bra, or underwear that fit. I couldn't journal the experience or make it a happy thing. It was a baby. No biggie. So sadly, i don't remember the first time i heard my son's heartbeat. I do remember the sonograms i had. There were a lot of them as I'm high risk. When we went to register for the baby, i remember seeing some item of clothing and the ex wouldn't let me scan it. It was for a newborn. He said that anything for a newborn was a waste. He asked why we were at Target anyway. "Such a waste of time". Truth be told that was one of two big box stores we had back then in my hometown, so that's why we were at Target. The baby shower was a bit of a disaster as well. My poor sister organized it, bless her heart. But looking back...ugh. The ex insisted we do a co-ed shower, which back then wasn't really heard of. So i had to make it look as though it was MY idea. That caused issues. It was at the same pizza place i had had all my birthday's at since i was 5 years old. The day of the shower my ex decided he wanted to go car "shopping" where he'd go around to car lots, talk up the sales guys, test drive a NICE car, get their hopes up of a great commission and leave. It rained that day, and upon getting in and out of the 17th car he insisted i try out, i got soaked. I was pissed and burst into tears! He responded in his way, by grabbing me and forcing me into the truck. We left. But surprise surprise, we were late for my own shower.
By the time i was 6 months, I was as big as a house already, and the derogatory comments came often. The ex had a family friend who had suffered a stroke a few months prior. He was still an ass though. I'd see him often since i lived in the backyard, and every time i saw him he would say, "Are you sure you're not pregnant with twins? You're HUGE!!" For 5 months i heard this weekly.
My grandma was dying during my pregnancy so on top of living with a nightmare, and being stuck with him and alllll that encompassed, i had to deal with losing my beloved grandma as well. I was an emotional wreck most of the time. At one point she was sent to a nursing home for medication purposes. So we had gone to see her. I think i was around 6 months. About an hour into our visit, the baby kicked my bladder and i wet my pants. The ex thought that was HILARIOUS and insisted on driving ALL OVER TOWN for over an hour while i cried in my wet pants.
When i had my hospital tour there was just one other woman on the tour with me. The nurse that gave the tour wasn't exactly the nicest of people. She was curt and seemed short tempered. Perhaps just a bad day, but didn't hide it well. She was very judgmental of me when she asked how old i was and i said 19. On the tour she kept asking the other lady questions about her pregnancy. They got to a point where the lady told her that her baby was breech and she'd be needing to have a c-section if baby didn't move. Well then we got to that part of the tour. The operating rooms for c-sections. The nurse looked at me and said, "And since you're fine and won't have a c-section, you can go home. Tour is over for you". My mama-bearness didn't kick in until YEARS later, so i just nodded and left. To this day that still irritates me!! Stupid woman!
The day i went into labor was the day before thanksgiving. I had a doctors appointment that morning. I told my doc that that baby was coming. He shook his head, looked at the ex and said, "You don't know! This is your first!! Trust me...you're fine!" Famous last words. The ex agreed and they both had a good laugh at me. Shocking. I hadn't been able to sleep in over a week. I knew something was going on and this wasn't a good sign. I wasn't due until January 8th. It was November 25th. Way too early!! My doc said that an hour before i go to bed, i could come in for a shot of something (i can't remember what it was) so that i could get some rest. We went and rented some movies for the weekend and went home. I tried my damnedest to wait until 10pm, but at 7pm i just couldn't take it anymore. I told the ex i needed to go get that shot now. Well he decided that instead, it would be more fun to go get coffee, go buy some cigarettes, go see a friend...go anywhere but the hospital basically. By the time we got there it was after 9pm and i was miserable! The nurse said she needed to check me first, and as she did, she said, "Well you're not going anywhere." I said, "What?! WHY?!" I panicked. I honestly didn't know what was going on. She said i was 4 cm dilated and in labor. Time was now!
In the haste of leaving our house, i didn't grab the bag or the diaper bag. I'm not even sure i had an actual bag for myself, now that i think about it. But at any rate...i didn't have anything other than my purse. The ex went into panic mode as well. I told him he needed to go to a gas station or something and go get a disposable camera so we could get pics. I got settled and he went to go to the store. While he was out, he called his parents and of course, they showed up. I had insisted i wanted NO ONE other than us in that delivery/birthing room! Especially them!! Of all people?! Really? He was in and out of the room every 10-15 minutes to smoke for HOURS!!! Once his folks showed up, it was worse. I was stuck with his mother in my room just starring at me, while they all took turns to go smoke. At one point they had all gone out for a cigarette and his dad came back in while they were turning me and got a shot of all my bits and pieces. Lovely.
While i kept insisting that one of the nurses call my doc, they kept telling me he had gone on a fishing trip. I tried to tell them to at least leave a message. They refused. He wouldn't know he was wrong until Monday anyway. Around 3am, i hadn't progressed much and the baby was going into distress. The doc that was on call (who was awesome btw!! SO glad he was there!) told me I'd have to have an emergency c-section. I freaked out and told him i hadn't gotten to see that room on the tour! He said I'd be seeing it now. The doc was actually the one who did a lot of the pepping me for surgery. There were reasons....believe me!
Once in the OR, and on the table, they brought the smoker in. He had the camera and all i had was a big blue sheet in my face. I kept asking them to lower it, or give me a mirror so i could see my son being born. I was refused. I was told that I'd be sick if i saw my own guts. Blood doesn't bother me. Never has. My son was born at 3:12am on Thanksgiving morning, 7# 9 oz, 6 weeks early. Once he was out, they showed him to me for about 2 seconds, i got to kiss him and they whisked him off to the NICU. They got me put back together and took me to a recovery room. At least they were private. The anesthesiologist brought me a Polaroid of my new baby and i held it until i fell asleep.
The next morning all i wanted was to go see my baby. Sadly, i wouldn't see him for over 24 hours!! They kept telling me that now wasn't a good time, they'd be back later. They'd tell me i wasn't ready to be up yet. They told me the docs were in with him, or then the docs would be in with me. By the time i saw him, he was over a day old. I didn't get to nuzzle my newborn when he arrived. My delivery was NOTHING like i had read in the 1 book i was allowed to purchase. And being so young, i was a bit of a mess. My baby didn't even get sponged off until he was almost a week old! GROSS!! I'm sorry...but it was gross. He started to smell funky! Do you have any idea how hard it is to breastfeed (or try) your new baby when he reeks of blood and amniotic fluid that's past the "sell by" date?? I'm not sure you even want to know.
On top of THAT mess, the doc that i had been forced to see by my OB, telling me that since i couldn't get over the mountain to see my specialist i needed to go see a family practice doc for my diabetes. The first appointment he got out the thickest BOOK I'd ever seen to look up what to do with a type 1 diabetic! My life was in that idiots hands!! So needless to say...i don't have a high regard for family practice docs. I just don't. Now you know why. When i was pregnant i was on 4 shots a day. Each shot was 100 units of insulin. As a high risk pregnant woman, you learn fairly quick that your body becomes a bit resistant to insulin later in pregnancy. It'll probably happen this time too. It's just what happens. So you've gotta amp up the insulin to try to stay at a more normal level with your blood sugar. But after you have that baby, your body returns to normal and you don't need nearly that much insulin. Well doctor brilliant must have missed that page in his gigantic book. Day two a nurse came in with a massive syringe filled with insulin and told me it was time for my shot. I told her no way was i taking that, and handed her the number of my REAL doctor up at OHSU in Portland. She refused to call him. Instead they called the idiot and we had words. Good times.
Monday rolled around and my regular OB came to see me. He just laughed and said, "Well i guess you showed me hu?" Yea buddy. You're hilarious. He told me i could go home the next day if i felt ready...which i didn't. I asked to stay another day or two. I was terrified to leave the hospital. I knew my baby wouldn't be ready. He had gotten jaundice and was now under a light with tiny baby eye pads on. He looked like he was sunning himself in a tanning bed. Every time i went to see him in the NICU I'd cry. I blamed myself. I felt like him being born so early was all my fault. I felt like him getting jaundice was all my fault. Every wire, tube or extra foot prick was all my fault i felt. Hell...i couldn't even feed my own baby!! Breast feeding wasn't going well. I tried pumping...and then I'd bring it down the hall to the NICU counter and give it to the desk gal for them to feed my baby with through a tube.
One night i had two pain in the ass nurses come bursting through the door of my room, run over to my bedside, rip open my gown front and insist on seeing my breasts. I was 19 years old!! They seemed hysterical, which terrified me, and i grabbed my blanket and held it up to my now bare chest. I insisted they tell me wtf was the problem!! They took a breath and a much needed step back, and said that i had blisters on my nipples because there was blood in my breast milk. We all started yelling back and forth at that point. Until my son's pediatrician came in to see me. He had been my pediatrician and was (still is!!) an awesome guy!! He pushed the nurses away so i could get dressed again, and made them leave. He said i was fine, and to get the hell out of my room. I was in tears. By that point it didn't take much to make me cry. It was a very difficult time for me. He and i talked about the breast milk and he told me that the tiny bit of pink in it was nothing to worry about. He asked if i had blisters. I told him no. He told me that if i had any more problems with those two nurses to let him know. He'd take care of it. I didn't have good nurses in case you can't tell.
I felt like while i just had a baby, it was as if no one really cared. Cows had babies everyday. I had few visitors. But no flowers. No balloons. No push gift. No cards. Actually...i take that back. A friend of mine brought me a rose (i was devastated that i forgot it, when i was discharged and they tossed it) and i got a card from my sister. But other than that...nothing. No one was really celebrating this baby like i had always dreamed of. They say that a woman's wedding day is the most important day of their life. While i agree to a point, i think the more important day in a woman's life is when their children are born. And that day should certainly be celebrated!!
I spent a lot of time alone while i was in the hospital. It was the holidays. And my grandmother was very sick. She was bedridden and couldn't communicate with anyone. So my family was with her. I totally understand and am glad she had them. I just wish i had had someone there with me too. My ex wasn't around much. When he wasn't at work, he was either at his parents house, or his buddy's house.
They released me, but my baby had to stay in the NICU another week. They told me i couldn't drive since all we had was a manual. So i was a town away from my newborn. I couldn't get him what little breast milk i was actually producing on a daily basis if i couldn't drive, so they supplemented with formula. My mom had picked me up and we went to Sears and she bought me a new bra. I was home for 2 days. They had told me that if i broke a fever, i needed to go back to the hospital. Low and behold my temp rose to over 102...thankfully i had been dropped off at my mom & grandma's house, and had been napping in my old room when i realized i had to go back in. She had a hospice nurse to care for her during the day thankfully, and she told me she could take me to the hospital as soon as my mom got home. And that's what we did. She even offered to come sit with me a while once i was administered. I told her no. I didn't want to be a burden. There i was again. Back in the maternity ward hooked up to IV meds. I had an infection in my cesarean wound. Alone. Fabulous.
Still not producing much milk for my baby, i gave up. I was exhausted, in so much pain i could barely stand it, on drugs, trying to just get in and out of bed and walk on a regular basis, and not burst into hysterics because i dropped a pen...so adding breastfeeding to that...was too much. Plus my milk just never came in. I have a theory. And while i haven't read anything to prove this, i may not be too off base...i feel that moms who have c-sections, or at least emergency c-sections have a harder time breast feeding because their body doesn't go through the natural process of giving birth. I mean this in no way a dig to those mothers!! Hello? Have you not been paying attention? I'm WITH YOU. But i feel that due to that, perhaps our bodies don't have the same amount of hormone or our hormones don't function in the same way...so our milk doesn't come flowing into our gigantic boobs like moms who deliver vaginally. I could be full of total shit too. Who knows. I just feel like that's what happened to me. Plus....6 weeks early has to make a difference!!
The up side to being back in the hospital was that i could actually sleep. The ex snored like no tomorrow and I'd constantly get an elbow to the chest or he'd flail around. So it was nice having a bed to myself!! The other up side was that once my baby was back to a normal color, and doing well...he was able to room in with me for a bit. While this sounded great, i still wasn't able to get up and down like i needed to. I needed help. I remember one evening i couldn't sooth him. I was so tired, and in so much pain. I called the nurses station and asked them to take him for a couple hours. The nurse said to me, after laughing, "Honey? What are you going to do when you take him home? Do you have your mother living with you to take him at night?" Another request refused.
After another week in the hospital, my infection was gone. But i needed a home-health nurse to come redo the seaweed bandage stuff that was packed into the wound, every other day. So they set that up. I was told i needed to have a baby CPR class. They never showed up and i was literally being kicked out. Again, my mom came to get us. She carried the baby, and held my hand as we walked out of the hospital. We went straight to her house so my grandma could see the baby. She called me a day or two prior and told me that she thought my grandma was hanging on to see her great-grandson. We got there and i placed my son into her arms. She teared up looking at him. She wasn't able to communicate with me, but the look on her face was enough. They fell asleep and took a nap together. She passed away the next day.
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So...alllllllllllll this mess to say, and on top of our 2 year struggle to get and keep a baby, it's ALL why i want and choose to CELEBRATE this baby and each and EVERY thing that is happening!!! It's why i take pictures of my toes after i spend 2 hours painting them. Or take pics while we registered for baby. It's why i have a massive folder on my desktop that says 'Baby Pics' and it's all the pregnancy pics, ideas, and pics of texts I've had with Brooks and my sister about baby. It's why i went to great lengths to do a gender reveal cake with Brooks parents. It's why i sent fancy reveal cards to my family back home. It's why i get SO excited to hear my daughters heartbeat. It's why i cry at pampers commercials. It's why i want our baby shower to be a certain way and why we're thinking of throwing it ourselves. It's why i want to buy certain gear for our baby, despite what others tell us. I do know what I'm doing to a very large point. I don't take advice well. I hate being told what to do. With good reason i think. And it's why i get excited for the first baby blanket to arrive.
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