Quiet Blessings

Today a friend who i haven't heard from in a while, posted on my FB wall and asked how we were doing. Well i am tired of my own complaints and replied that we are pretty good. But as the day has worn on, i kept thinking about that question. Seems simple enough...."How are you?" What went through my head at the time of reading that question was that I'm overweight, gluten intolerant...broke, going on 4 years of unemployment, bored...the list was long.

A little while later while scrolling FB, another friend of mine posted this pic on her wall...just when i needed it most!

As i kept thinking about that simple little question, along with this image it got me to thinking about all the wonderful things i do have going on!!

• I'm working out again!! And I'm feeling pretty darn good about that! It's been over 5 years since I've graced the doors of a gym, and while it's difficult some days to find the energy or ambition to go, I'm going. Mainly because Brooks is going, and i have the truck...as the reason to make me go!! As much as i don't want to admit it, i kinda let myself go for the last couple years. And I'm tired of feeling sluggish and embarrassed by how i look lately. So I'm doing something about it!! And that feels pretty good!!

• I'm working on something that I've been "thinking" about for a few years. I'm FINALLY starting my food blog. It's not up and live yet, and that'll take several months since i want my blog to have MY recipes on it. Not other peoples. And i want to take pics of all the recipes for it, and there needs to be more than one recipe on there before it goes live. And while it's certainly not an overnight process, I'm finally doing it!! And I'm pretty excited about it!

•  I'm starting a new painting! I've been going back and fourth on it for several weeks but today i decided that i am going for it!! I'll be doing a painting of Janis Joplin, all in grey scale. I've been prepping the canvas for several days, and it still needs another coat of gesso before i can start it, but it's in the works! I'm slightly terrified of how it'll turn out as i don't paint people...for a reason. But then...i paint for me now, so if it's not exact, I'm ok with that. Doing something artistic for no other reason than because i want to. Which is pretty fun!!

• We're getting amped up for our annual camping trip!! I could not be MORE excited about it!! It's something that has become very special to me, and i eagerly look forward to it each year. This year is no exception!! Sun, heat, the outdoors, friends...a perfect mix!!

• Spring is on it's way!! FINALLY!!!  The weather this past week has been GLORIOUS!! I got a sunburn on my nose last Saturday (which is now peeling...ahh....the first signs of spring!!), and this week, while it's been overcast most of the week with the sun peeking out briefly, and some rain, it's been WARM!! Not hot, but warm!! Like a comfortable sweater, or a hug, or a home of someone you dearly love!! It's been awesome!! There have even been moments of HUMIDITY!!!! AHHH!!!! Which makes me SO happy!!

• I'm adjusting better to my gluten free life. And THAT is exciting!! Do i miss bread, and the ability to run through a drive through real quick at Cook Out and grab a burger? Sure. But I'm doing better. I've been researching a lot of different recipes and ways to have what i love, but make it safe for me to eat. Going GF has also hit my appetite in a fabulous way!! I'm just not as hungry anymore. Considering what it was, this feels pretty good. It's a nice "side affect" to being GF. And soon, I'll start SEEING that "side affect", which I'm certainly looking forward to!!

Once i started thinking about what was actually going on in my life with positivity, i started realizing all that I had to be so grateful for, and stopped being so grumpy!! Which is something we all should do more often. I do try, but some days it's hard to keep that positive thought going for the entire day. I can always think of good things i have and reasons i feel blessed each day, but then i move on. I lose that thought and can often get down in the dumps or just not feel as peppy. 

Try this for yourself today. Ask yourself "how are you?" and really give it some though. What do you have going on in your life that you're happy about? Excited about? Thankful for? Make a list. Be descriptive. Put it on the fridge so when you need it, (or share it in the comments below!) you can read that list and it'll bring back that spark in your eye!! Believe me, a spark is a beautiful thing!! 

The Proposal

So yesterday it hit me why I've been so...ok i guess we can call it negative. Which i really hate that i get like that. I try to always find a silver lining to things and be in a happy place. Life is too short to be so nasty all the time. But it happens. I suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder back in Oregon as we rarely saw the sun during the winter. So when i moved to North Carolina and the sun was out more, even on cold days, i kinda forgot about it. But it hit me yesterday...that's been my problem! This winter has been a bit more gloomy than I'm used to. But clearly, I've not been getting enough vitamin D from those yummy sun rays! So being out in the precious sunshine yesterday was great! I even have a very pink nose to prove it!

So after figuring that out and then realizing that the last couple posts weren't very upbeat sadly, i decided i want to share a wonderful day back in October that changed my life. The proposal!

Brooks' parents go to the Outter Banks every year for a week in October. And we've always been invited, but since i was in school the last two years, it never coincided with my fall break and missing studio classes for even a day was a lot to bear. So we never went. That changed this year since I'm no longer in school. And since Brooks had vacation time, we decided to go for it! We were going to be at the glorious beach for a week!! I was more than a little excited!!

We got up early, packed up the truck and off we went! First stop of course...Starbucks! The drive was long, roughly 5 1/2 hours, but well worth it! And to me, a car ride that's 5 or 6 hours is nothing compared to the long 15+ hour days i spent driving across the country. My 5 year anniversary of that trip out here would be during this week at the beach, so i had even more excitement! But by the time we got there, i had totally forgotten about it. Brooks, i would discover, hadn't.

I thought he was being cute...sun
was in his eyes.

The first day was getting settled into the house, pouring a drink, lounging on the upper deck and relaxing. We were there with 7 other people besides ourselves (Brooks' parents Sherrie and Brooks Sr., Jack & Caroline, Debbie & John and Brooks' godfather Howard). Which was awesome!! It was nice because there was a large group and everyone, or every couple, took turns cooking dinner each night. So when my day came along, i was in my element!!

The little crab fellow

The first couple days at the beach were relaxing and so wonderful!! Very needed!! We took long walks on the beach, ran into a few friends from Greensboro along the way, found a crab...which i whisper-freaked out about!! I'd never seen a live crab just walkin around on the beach just chillin before!

Oregon Inlet...which i found,
HILARIOUS!! 

By the time Tuesday rolled around, i was ready to go exploring! We couldn't have picked a better day for it! It was in the upper 70's, warm and sunny!! Brooks and i drove up the beach, stopping along the way at the lighthouses of the Outter Banks, photo ops, and random places. We went to the Wright Brothers Museum and spent a good couple hours there. Brooks has a passion for planes, and while i don't...(i hate to fly) i enjoy the fact that he does, plus I'm a huge history buff, so this was a fun stop!! We read all the info on the walls, and as i read quote after quote, i began to cry. I get like that when I'm standing in a historical place. And this was a pretty magical historical site!! We walked the length of the grounds where the first flights took place. Again...some tears (i can't help it!). We hiked up to the top of the monument and looked out on the view of Kill Devil Hills. We got pics of the sculpture of the Wright brothers first flight as well. It was great!!

Where the Wright Bros. took
their first flight

Currituck Lighthouse...

The painting i did of Currituck Lighthouse...based
on the pic above

We got back in the car and kept driving north. We were heading to Currituck Lighthouse. Which in October is the only lighthouse you can actually still walk up to the top of. When we got there i decided i needed to test my blood sugar to make sure I'd be ok to walk up that many stairs (9 flights) without passing out or getting to the top and having to rush back down. It was low and all i had on me were a handful (like literally 10) M&M's. I ate them, but was still hesitant since it would take more than that to get to a good level.

We got to the entrance of the lighthouse and on a sign it said what the fee was to go in. We had $3 cash on us, and a debit card. Which on the sign, said they didn't take. Brooks started sort of freaking out. Which i found strange, but let it go since i was still kind of low. He then shrieked at me and said, "WAIT!! DID WE BRING THE CHECKBOOK?!" to which i replied, "Yea, because everyone brings a checkbook on vacation. No love. Sorry". He was panicking and started to get really bummed out. Which did seem strange, but again...low blood sugar didn't help me realize it until later. At that point in the day and after all that walking in shoes without socks, my blisters had blisters on them and my legs were killing me from the long walk on the soft sand the day before. To be perfectly honest, i was ready to go home. So i asked him, "Is it really that important that we go up?" Brooks shrieked again, "YES!! The view is AMAZING!! Think of your pictures!!" He had me there. I'm a scrapbooker. Dammit! So i suggested we go back to the grocery store a couple miles back and get some juice for me, get cash and come back. That seemed to alleviate some of his odd hysteria.

The last pic i would ever take of my
boyfriend Brooks

A very winding 9 story staircase

We got back to the lighthouse, and met a lovely little old lady who took our money for the fee, and handed us an info pamphlet. I told her about how i wasn't sure about these stairs. Another woman who had just come down heard me and said, "Don't worry. It's not that bad. If i can do it, you can do it!!" So up we went.

It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, but i was walking up each flight kinda slow. My legs were super sore from walking on the beach the last couple days, plus all the stairs a couple dozen times a day. Out of shape, i was!! Lol!

We got to the top after what felt like a million stairs, and as i walked out the door at the top, i was blown away! The views were stunning!! The pics don't do it justice!! Breathtaking is a severe understatement!!

The view!! Pics don't do it justice!! It's AMAZING!!!

I had been standing in one place while Brooks walked around the deck. I just couldn't get over how gorgeous it was!! Now i was very glad that we didn't turn back and instead went to get cash.  All of the people who were on the deck when we got there had left, so we had the entire place to ourselves to take it all in and just enjoy in peace. Brooks took me to the other side to see that view, which again...STUNNING!!!

We stood there for a moment in silence. Listening to the far off waves, the wind and the birds. Brooks took my hand, kissed it and said that he loved me. To which i replied that i loved him too. Still holding my hand, he kissed it again, which wasn't out of the ordinary. He does that. But then, he bent down on one knee!! I shrieked, "OH MY GAWD!!" And in my head, i said to myself, 'Ok, shut up!! You need to stop talking so you remember this...silence!!' He didn't have a big long speech, which was fine by me as it was so shocking to me that this was happening, that i wouldn't have remembered all of what he said anyway! He had a simple question, "Will you marry me?" I burst into tears, and without a second of hesitation, said "YES!!"

I SAID YES!!!!!

When we finally headed back down the winding staircase, i was giddy! I couldn't believe he had just proposed ON TOP OF A LIGHTHOUSE!!!! WHO DOES THAT?!

We got to the bottom and i told the lady who had taken our money about it. She told us that there have been a good many proposals on the top, and she loves hearing about them. Then she gave us stickers that showed we had climbed Currituck Lighthouse and headed on our way. 

We took a few more pictures before heading out of the gate. We made a brief stop at the restrooms before heading to the car. I came out of the ladies room and Brooks was waiting for me, doing something on his phone. He looked at me and said, "Well. That's done!" I said, "What, the proposal?" to which he replied and said, "No. Telling everyone on Facebook!" I was stunned! He doesn't get onto FB much anymore, and i had actually thought we'd call some people first before we announced it on social media, like my mom and his grandmother, and my sister...but i went with it and updated my status as well. Then we headed back to Avon where 7 anxious people were waiting for us.

On the way we made a couple more stops. One at a very delicious wine and cheese store called Trio. If you get to Kitty Hawk NC, do yourself a favor and go there!! They have an amazing selection of wine, beer, glassware in every shape, color, size and price as well as a bistro! In addition to the aforementioned items...they have this cheese counter that is....just WOW!! It's huge! And they are so kind and will let you try any and all the cheese you want so you can decide on which cheeses to buy! And they take their time...no need to rush you out the door. They like talking about cheese as much as i like eating it, so this was a great stop!! After purchasing some wine and cheeses, we went on back down the road. Our last stop was at the grocery store for champagne to celebrate. I know good wine, but champagne isn't my forte, so cheap is fine by me. It was about this time that it had hit me...almost 3 hours later, that i no longer had a boyfriend. I had a fiance'!! I was engaged!! ENGAGED!!! To say i was happy...yea, that just doesn't cut it. 

When we got back to the house, we brought all our stuff in from the truck, and headed up to the third floor where the living room and kitchen were. We walked up that last flight of stairs and walked into everyone getting ready for dinner. Excitement ensued!! We popped some champagne and toasted with everyone.

Then i heard the rest of the story...

So the day before, Sherrie went with Brooks to run to the store for a couple small things for dinner. Apparently they had a chat and he told her his plan. She was the only living soul who knew what his plans were that next day. See, the day he proposed...the 21st of October, was my 5th anniversary of leaving Oregon for North Carolina. I had always celebrated that day. Usually to myself. A silent toast, or just a day remembering the trip out. It was the day that i had finally taken control of my own life for the first time in 30 years. So it was a big day to me. And Brooks had always remembered that. The year before i made mention of it, and somehow he had logged that day in his memory bank. Once we knew we were going to OBX for the week and my "Greensaversary" would fall during the trip, he started planning.

Before we left that morning there were 3 trips back into the house for things. The first time it was the phone charger, the second was for Sundrop (if you aren't on the East Coast, you're missing out!! Best soda EVER!!!), and the last trip took me back to the kitchen/living room looking for my sunglasses. We had made it to the end of the street when i realized i needed them. I'm super sensitive to the sun so i can't go far without them. Even in the winter. Brooks backed the truck up, and i ran up the stairs on the outside of the house to the third floor. I heard excited chatting inside, but didn't pay attention to what anyone was actually saying before bursting through the door. The chatting stopped instantly. The ladies all looked at me and Sherrie shrieked, "Now what did you forget?!" I laughed, and said i couldn't be out without my sunglasses and i had no idea where they were!! Found them on the table by the couch, and went running back down the stairs, yelling goodbye...for the 4th time that morning. Seems the ladies, (Sherrie (Brooks' mom), and our friends Caroline and Debbie) had walked in on Brooks Sr. & Sherrie whispering and grinning earlier in the morning as she had told him what was going on, and they had figured out what was about to happen. So they were all talking about the news that Sherrie had found out the night before. They were all very excited! Good thing my hearing isn't very good!!

ALLLLLL this to say...October 21st i now think of in a different way. Taking control of my life, led me to the greatest love of my life!! And for that...i am one very thankful and lucky girl!!

Currituck Lighthouse will forever be "our" lighthouse.

The next day on Ocracoke Island the next day.
We both felt like crap, and were cold, but i love the
look on Brooks' face in this pic!!

The Evolution of Weight

Earlier today i went to Target. I needed to pick up my insulin as well as a few other things. While i was there i started looking at jeans...at Brooks' request. The pair I've been wearing for the last 2 years, and the only pair that still fit over the last year, are starting to fall apart. Literally. I have 4 places where you can see holes beginning to appear and one actual hole. Brooks told me earlier to go get a pair to hold me over until we can go get a decent pair for me. So i took a deep breath and off i went. I knew going in, it wouldn't be an enjoyable experience. It's Target denim after all, and i don't typically ever, EVER buy cheap denim. No jeans from the Gap, Levi's, Target, Walmart (oh dear lord!! The humanity!!) or any other denim from relatively cheaper stores. This is for a reason! A very good reason!! It's called the junk in my trunk!

Yes, i have a booty. And I've come to be ok with that. Back when i lived in Oregon, my derriere was never appreciated. It was always scoffed at and i was often told i needed to lose weight and get down to a "normal" size jean. Even when i was 130 pounds and a fairly skinny size 4. Seriously. Once i moved here i discovered a magical land where men actually liked a woman who had a larger posterior...it was called, The South!

I started in the women's section. The choices for decent fitting denim was measly. I found a couple pair that weren't "skinny" jeans and headed to the men's department. I typically don't ever buy mens jeans either. Again...due to my booty. Mens jeans just aren't built for a my round bottom to go into them. But i grabbed a couple pair there anyway and headed for the fitting rooms.

The first pair i tried on were a women's pair of "straight" jeans. If they were actually cut straight, the person who cut them is BLIND!! NO!! Not even a little bit were these a straight fit! They weren't as uncomfortable as skinny jeans, but perhaps they were a relaxed skinny jean.

Let's pause here...wear what you like, but honestly I'll be SO glad when the skinny jean/pant phenomenon is OVER!! I just want to go into a store and buy normal fitting pants!!! I don't have the legs or the shape to wear skinny pants and I'm too claustrophobic for them! I panic putting them on! Like if the jeans suddenly burst into flames, i wouldn't be able to get them off and I'd die! I can't do it! And i don't believe that they are for "everyone". That's a load of bull. I've tried them on numerous times...back when i was thinner, and they looked TERRIBLE!! Just no!!

On to the next pair...a pair of mens jeans. No. They were too tight. That right there made me want to cry big massive crocodile tears!! I've gained about 20 pounds (maybe 25 depending on the day) over the last year. Well...i gained it in about a months time, but sadly i still have it. So while i know this, it's obvious, i didn't take into account how many sizes I've gone up! FOUR!! FOUR SIZES!!! The only thing that kept me from bursting into hysteria right there in the dressing room was denial. I kept thinking that the sizes are just "off". You know that thing that designers do...they run stuff on the "small" side? Yea...i told myself that.

I got dressed and went back to the mens section to find a different size. I found one that fit better. I like my jeans long (34") so they fall over my shoes. I can't stand sitting down in pants and because of my short 30" inseam my pant leg rides up over my ankle and then my ankles are cold and I feel that everyone is starring because i forgot to shave that day. I guess the plus side is that i did find a pair that fit...alright...and they are long enough not to ride up when i sit down.

I pouted as i walked around gathering the rest of my items. Occasionally looking at the jeans that were now nestled in my cart between the loaf of gluten free bread and the jar of peanut butter, arguing with myself in my head about actually purchasing them. It went something like this:

Me: Don't buy those J! They don't fit very well. The waist is big and gappy!!
Me 2: Well of course they are! They're guys jeans! But what am i supposed to do? Walk around without pants on? No one wants to see that!!
Me: Ross is right next door. Maybe you can find something there!
Me 2: I don't feel like digging for one freakin pair of jeans that might fit! Nor do i feel like dealing with their fitting rooms!! I just want to go home!!
Me: So what are you gonna do? Wear a belt all the time, and hope they shrink a bit in the waist?
Me 2: I guess so. Plus these are cheap. It's only to last for a little while until we can get to the Buckle where the wonderful fitting jeans are.
Me: Yea, but when is that going to be? 
Me 2: I don't know! I've got to do something though! I'm down to just sweats and i won't wear sweats outside of the house!! Omg, i may burst into tears!!
Me: No. I won't allow you to do that. Ok...you're right. Just get them. You sure as hell can't wear sweat pants out of the house!!

So i bought the stupid jeans. And now I'm home, back in my sweats. And the jeans are still sitting in the Target bag on the kitchen counter. 

I thought about my weight all the way home. I've allowed myself to get like this. It's no one else's fault. It's not like i had someone force feeding me junk food for the last year. But I'm pissed. I'm pissed at myself that i let myself get to this point! I'm at my heaviest. And while i now am gluten intolerant and am hopeful that will help eventually, it's not yet and it's frustrating. I'm trying to see where any extra calories are coming from. What it is that I'm eating that i need to stop. I have a couple of ideas...and as a friend of mine told me the other day, "waistlines are made in the kitchen".

I thought about my mom. She's lost quite a bit of weight in the last few years. She weighs about 35 pounds less than i do now. Which is awesome! When i was about 3 or 4, she let herself go. Her words. She said that she just got tired of dating and men and feeling like she had to put herself out there. Which is ridiculous reasoning, but that's what she says. She also says that she wishes "someone" told her she was getting fat! Yea, like that would have gone over well!! I'm not sure what she got up to, but i know where she's at now. And she looks a lot better. It got me to thinking about how i sort of let myself go last year. I suffered a miscarriage. A baby that Brooks and i really, really wanted and were over the moon excited about. I was 7 1/2 weeks. We were devastated!! The one year marker just passed by last weekend. After the loss i was so depressed that i couldn't get off the couch. I ate my depression with Ben & Jerry...who became two very close friends for a couple weeks. About 3 weeks later i saw that i had gained almost 20 pounds, but i was still too sad to care. As time went on, i dealt with the pain and sadness, but my pant size never dwindled back down to where i was before finding out we were expecting...which was still a bit higher then when i moved here 5 1/2 years ago. Back then i was riding my bike all over Eugene and i looked GOOD!! I miss those days for the shear pleasure of riding all day without having to go into traffic!! The Triad isn't exactly what i would call a "bike friendly" area.

I now carry those extra 20 pounds...plus another 3-5 depending on the day. It's gotten to the point where most of my clothes don't fit very well anymore. I have 4 perfectly nice pair of well fitting jeans in a drawer that no longer fit, as well as about 3 dozen shirts. All too small.

We did start working out this week. We're on day #4 tonight. We missed Wednesday because of gym issues that have since been resolved. It wasn't on our part, so it was totally out of our control. I'm trying not to become bitter or depressed about my weight. I've always been able to hide it pretty well. While i am not about to put the number in my blog, as my doctors are the ONLY people who actually know the real number, I guess I'm too ashamed of telling anyone else. A few years ago i did actually tell a gal pal of mine. We were talking about how we'd both gained a few pounds (i think i had gained about 5 or 6 that were being stubborn) and she asked what i weighed. For the first time in decades, i shared my weight with someone other than a medical professional. She said, "NO WAY!! My god WHERE?!" Back then, mostly in my trunk. But it's now creeping elsewhere. And that's the issue.

I was watching Rachel Ray's show the other day, as i do every morning while i have my coffee. She had one of the authors of Skinny Bitch on as a guest. If you've never read it, do it! It's a great book. Very good info and funny. Anyway, the author has gained some weight after having her kids and as someone who is an author of what is essentially a "diet" book, they talked about why it was an issue. At one point the woman said that she's happy being plus size, and that's all that should matter in life! Not your weight or what size dress you wear. If you're happy with yourself, who cares what other people think. Solid advice really. Rachel agreed and said, "Yea, I think it's really vain to worry so much about being thin". Vain. Am i really being vain about my weight? Maybe. But i certainly don't feel comfortable in my own skin like this, and for me, that's the point!

I sometimes wonder how much the media's affect has on me when it comes to weight and my own self esteem. I'm no longer a size 4. Far from it. And i have never looked like a model. I've never felt really, really great about myself, or had the ability to look in the mirror and not see everything that's wrong with me. And I've let others' harsh comments about my weight, shape, looks, and beauty have way too much of a voice in my head. My own voice sadly repeats what's been said. Remember in Pretty Woman when Vivian told Edward, "People put you down enough, you start to believe it". He responds, "I think you are a very bright, very special woman". Looking up at him, she says, "The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?"...


One day at a time. I know it'll happen eventually. Lord knows when i was in college the first time i took enough fitness classes to damn near hold a degree. So i do know what I'm doing, and what i need to be doing. And i know it's not an overnight process. Wouldn't it be nice if it was!! I forge ahead, one foot on the treadmill, in front of the other, while attempting to correct the judgmental voice i hear in my head.