So the last post was about 4 months ago. September. And i just have to
say...what a difference a few months make! I mean the last post was
about taking Clomid for the first time. And now...I'm making a
person!!!! WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| I LOVE this!! Haha!!! |
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| This was our FB announcement!! |
I've been meaning to let my readers know that. But it's been a bit of an overwhelming thing, so i've been a wee bit distracted lately. We're due July 24th! So we're 14 weeks and now in the second trimester!! Whew!! We got through the ugly, terrifying 1st trimester! FINALLY!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! Yup! Don't mind me while i toot that horn loudly!!!!!
We actually did two rounds of Clomid for those who would like to know. I had a HORRIBLE cold right around the first round so that affected my body in negative ways with getting pregnant. While i wasn't crazy about taking it, clearly it worked and i will be forever grateful! And if we have to repeat it for baby #2, so be it. Both times i didn't really have many side affects. Really just hot flashes. No mood swings or anything. Easy peasy. Knock on wood. ;)
We told our families around the holidays. Brooks' family we told at Christmas and we waited to tell my family until New Years day. We wanted to tell them on the same day, but due to time differences and family stuff, we just couldn't do it the same day. But at any rate, everyone was THRILLED!!!! I have the BEST pics of Brooks' mom and dad!! I made them a countdown calendar to how many weeks left until they become grandparents (saw it on pinterest) and we gave them a framed sonogram pic. We went over to their house a bit early Christmas morning and gave them the two gifts. His mom still had wet hair and i assured her it didn't matter. Which it didn't!! The looks on both of their faces when they read the block (It says, "Weeks until we're grandparents" and there's numbered blocks at the top to change each week) is priceless!! A truly beautiful moment!! Brooks is an only child. So this is their first and only grandchild.
We then went to his grandma's house for brunch and we let Brooks' mom tell her and one of his aunts who was there already. His grandma's reaction was awesome!!!! She burst into tears of joy and had to sit down! She doesn't have any great grandchildren yet, and it seems this summer she'll get two! His cousin is also pregnant...a few weeks behind me. Seems our news didn't go over well with a few in the family. But honestly, after everything we've been through, i don't care!!!! Shame on them!! We will revel in our happy news and if some don't want to be happy for us, so be it. I refuse to compete with someone over who does what in their pregnancy, or pit the unborn babies against each other for being born first, who rolls over first...whatever! NO!! THIS mama bear won't stand for it!! Anyway...
I digress....we had to tell my family over the phone, so sadly i don't have pics of the reactions, but everyone was SUPER excited for us!!!! My mom teared up i think. Sounded like it.
So happiest days ever right?! Yes!! For sure!! You have NO idea how happy we are!!! And BEYOND excited!!!! But i'm struggling. And this is why i'm blogging today. It's not an all the time issue...but it comes and goes. Here's my struggle...
I've had 3 miscarriages. 3. 3 times i've gotten my hopes up about a baby, only to be heartbroken and disappointed. 3 times where i've had to recover. 3 times where i've had to pack up the few baby items we had into a box and not think about it. 3 times where i've had to keep myself from falling apart. And FINALLY, here we are. Pregnant. Happy. Out of the uneasy, scary, stressful 1st trimester!!! But with me trying not to get too attached still.
I mean, we're more than fine. Baby is healthy and strong!! Has a very strong heartbeat! We've seen it. Numerous times. We've had 4 sonograms already, so we've seen how good baby is looking! We've seen baby kicking and rolling around (most amazing thing ever!!!!). And all of our tests have come back with flying colors!! AND i'm already feeling baby move!! Yes, that's correct. Seems crazy at 14 weeks (actually it was about 12 1/2 weeks when it started. I'm told that can happen after you've had more than 1 pregnancy and i've clearly had a few. Even if they were short lived). All great news!! But why can't i let go of the painful past and revel and enjoy our baby?
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| Look at that sweet baby!!!! |
Actually...no. I am enjoying the pregnancy so far. And there are moments where I'm loving on baby. But then i go back to the "don't do that...you don't want to get too attached yet" fears in my head. Even when i was super crazy nauseated in the first trimester, i was enjoying being pregnant. Honestly, i could have every horrible symptom known to man and i wouldn't have cared!! Seriously! But i'm just not attached to baby yet. I'm hoping it's coming though. I mean...at this point i'm starting to wonder about myself as a mommy. I'm incredibly protective of baby already though. So that's a plus. And i know that once we deliver baby in July, i'll be VERY attached. It's just trying to be there now that's the issue. I want to be. And i do love our baby. But i'm still freaked out. Self protection i suppose. But Brooks isn't like that. He's been talking to my belly since i told him we were expecting at 3.5 weeks. He said that after the last one he knew this next one would be a keeper. So he has no concerns about it.
Apparently feeling like this is very common. Not that that helps much, but i guess there's some comfort in knowing i'm not the only one. But honestly...it'd be nice to not worry every time i had to pee or have a gas pain. I mean hello?! Pregnant women pee 1 billion times a day and have a crazy amount of gas!! That's a lot of stress & worry! And i don't want to spend the next 5 1/2 months of my pregnancy freaked out, stressed out, or worried!! I don't want that to pass to our baby. I don't want our baby to be a stressed out person.
I've looked into books to see if there are some about how to deal with pregnancy after miscarriage. I've found nothing. There's been a couple pages in 2 books that i have discussing it. But it's SUPER unhelpful!! Give me an entire BOOK!! If you dear readers know of some, or even one, please let me know!! The author would make a bloody fortune i think. Maybe i need to write one. Or I wish there were some support groups for women who are going through this. Why aren't there?? WTF? This is a real issue. As much as i don't really want advice about my pregnancy (I have a son, so i have been pregnant before thanks), i need some. So if anyone out there has some words of wisdom to share, i welcome them. Though saying things like "Oh honey, don't stress" or "Don't worry, baby's fine". Those aren't helpful. Like ACTUAL advise!! That's not advice.
Here are the ones i try to remember that I've come up with:
- Your baby is the only one who knows what your heart sounds like from the inside, so make each heartbeat a positive one.
- Love knows no bounds, so tell this baby you love him/her often. Mean it.
- Enjoy every moment creating this life!
