Paris, Barcelona, London...North Carolina

I was awake at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. Not because i wasn't tired, or because Brooks snores, but because he never wants to leave North Carolina!

Ok, so i know it doesn't sound THAT bad, but hear me out. I mean, you're reading this anyway right? At least hear my point.

Yesterday i went into the studio and ran into one of the studio professors, Andy. We got to chatting for a few minutes as we finally made introductions and he asked me about my plans for grad school. I told him that i would LOVE the opportunity to go overseas to Florence or Paris or somewhere, but that's not really an option anymore, and i kinda filled him in. He said to me, and i quote, "What difference does that make? Your boyfriend can come visit you. What better way to test the relationship than if you were living in Westshire or something!" Sure Andy. He obviously thinks I'm much younger than i really am. I put it out of my mind and went about my day.

Later I went home and made dinner and Brooks put on a movie for us. From Paris with Love. I kept talking about how awesome living in Paris would be. Not forever mind you, but a little while. I could go to grad school there and then work at the Louvre for a year or two before we move on. Brooks said no. Well ok, so he didn't say "Hell no woman! I am NOT LEAVING NC!!!! RAAAAAWWWWRRRRR" It was more of a "Ehh...not my thing".  But wait, wait, wait...we had a conversation about the possibility of moving somewhere for me to go to grad school, a couple months ago and he was on board then. So i asked if it was Paris or all of Europe. I know a lot of people have issues with Paris. 'It's dirty. The French hate us. They smoke.' blah, blah, blah. He said it was all of Europe. He just can't imagine leaving NC. I decided to drink another beer, but i kinda stopped talking for most of the night. I needed time to process this.

I mean, i don't want him telling me a bunch of crap he thinks i want to hear. But wait...he seemed on board with this idea a couple months ago. Did he already fill my head with hot air back then? And this leaves an aching question...WTF?! I'm now sitting here trying to process it all and wrap my head around it. NC. Forever. I'm sorry, but the world is SO MUCH BIGGER THAN NC!!!!!!!!

When i moved here 4 years ago, i never imagined this would be the landing spot forever. I wanted to move on. New York. Paris. London. Barcelona. Florence. And so perhaps my list is long, but i don't think it's totally out of the realm of possibility if I work at it to pick a couple off this list (obviously it wouldn't be all of them). Like i have 2 more years until i graduate and can apply for grad school and i could probably land an awesome scholarship. But if he has no intention of ever leaving this place, why on earth would i apply to go anywhere but UNCG? And they really, really don't recommend students get their masters at the same school they get their undergrad from. They'll make a couple exceptions if you have no other choice than to stay here, but they really try to push all their little birds from the nest.

I am just so dumbfounded. What the hell does he think got me here? Garden gnomes? NO!! I picked up and moved my ass across the country! MYSELF!! Alone. Drove through 9 states in 7 days alone, didn't have a job when i got here, didn't know anyone and barely had a place to live. I'm a bit of a nomad really. I never moved when i was a kid. Not until i was 16 anyway. All my friends seemed to move every few years. It always seemed so exciting to me, even if it was in the same town. A new place. New neighbors. New experiences. The ex never wanted to leave Eugene and that made me nuts! I hated Oregon. It's why i left. Du.

I've told him this before, and it still holds true...i would follow him to the ends of the earth!! He told me that he was looking into moving to Australia a few years ago. So i guess this is another reason this whole thing isn't sitting well for me yet. I'm really quite baffled.

But it begs the question...would i leave Brooks because he doesn't ever want to move? He wants to put some roots down at some point, buy a house, raise a family. And i respect him for that! And a small part of me wants that too. But i guess i always figured the dream of living in Europe for a couple years would eventually happen or at least it would be a possibility up for discussion. But now it's not really an option to even consider. If it's the family thing i get that...sort of. Mine is across the country and I'm lucky if i see them every couple years. In talking to his mom a couple months ago, she was totally supportive! She said they could visit and what a great reason to go to Paris or Florence!

North Carolina isn't the end all, be all. The job market sucks, the taxes are ridiculous, the programs the state keeps cutting is absurd! Yes it's pretty, the beaches are nice, the mountains...blah, blah, blah. But for one thing, we don't go to the mountains. The last time we went to the beach was over a year ago. And it's been because we were both unemployed and broke! He doesn't like Raleigh or Charlotte, even to go get supplies at the ceramic and art stores there. So I've stopped asking to go to either of these places. Greensboro is home i guess. But there's still a big ache that asks...what else is out there?!

The likelihood of actually going is better now than it ever was, but it's still a long ways off even if he wanted to go. But I'm not selfish enough of a person to force him to do something he is really uncomfortable with. I wouldn't do that to him. And now, i have to put this notion out of my mind and let it go. That dream won't come to fruition. And the long list of grad schools with awesome ceramic/sculpture programs...i guess i can recycle that too.

I'm not going to leave Brooks because of this. I know that I'm extremely lucky to have found such a wonderful man who loves me for who i am, supports my dreams and goals and has been there for me through some dark times. So I'm not about to toss all we have away because i might have an opportunity to move to Europe some day. I'm not stupid. Loving him and being with him is much better than living in Barcelona or London anyway. That would be a life experience. But with him, we're building a life together.