When Does School Go Back?!

Summer is almost over for those rascals running amok around my neighborhood. THANK GOODNESS!! And may i say...IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!! Not that our summer has been totally tainted by these rotten children. It's really only been the last month. I assume because their parents, like normal people, are sick of their kids being home all day!

Teachers aren't paid nearly enough! But that's another discussion for another time i suppose. However, when you think of how long of a day they have in dealing with the shenanigans of rotten kids, they deserve better!!

Over the last month or so, our neighbors have set their kids free to roam and drive the rest of us crazy! Who thought it was ok to share that with the world? It's like living in an African safari!!

'We see the lion cubs watch as the gazelle wanders back to her home retreat. The lion cubs lick their lips as they can feel the nervousness of the gazelle. The gazelle makes eye contact. All playing subsides and the lion cubs stare at the gazelle, unsure of themselves in making an attack, but also wanting to rip the gazelle apart. The lion cubs pose no real threat until the gazelle is safe and back to her herd and away from the cubs. Then they continue tumbling around together, practicing their growls, near enough to the gazelle's herd, so they stay in their retreat and away from the lion cubs'.


This is what's it's been like lately right outside our door. These children play in the afternoon in the breezeway of our apartment building. And they run up and down the stairs outside our front door 100 mph, clomping, screaming, and 'whoo-hooing' all the while.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love kids!! I really do! I have one. And Brooks and i want to have them together, but people who have no respect for their neighbors and let their rotten children out of the house without supervision, who have no manners, i have very little patience for. I know. I sound horrible don't i? And i need to say...these aren't older kids. They're LITTLE!!

The other day i had gotten out of the shower to obsessive knocking on my door. Still wrapped up in my towel i went to answer it, hiding my body behind our door as i cracked it open. Outside there were 3 very young kids selling "treats", which were really just some random something-or-other wrapped up in a plastic sandwich baggie tied with a rubber band. The oldest child was about 7 or 8. The next in line was a girl about 5 and then a little boy who looked like he was about 2, but more than likely was 3. WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?! In this day and age, letting your kids go knock on random doors is NOT SAFE!!

One morning about 8:30am there was screaming outside my door. I hadn't had any coffee as we were out, so i had a Sundrop in my favorite koozie; a Biscuit & Porn camo one from the Outter Banks. Not even thinking about what the soda was 'wearing' i snatched the door open and just stared at the children. 3 of them and our next door neighbors kids. A boy about 10 sitting on my damn door step with a remote control car in his lap, and his two sisters 7 and maybe 12. The boy's eyes were wide and he looked terrified. The girls standing near him, but not on my door step, looked at me and said, "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!!" I snapped at them and said, "This is NOT a playground! There is the playground! Go out there!!", pointing to the grassy area just beyond the steps on the other side of the breezeway. They retreated and i was left in peace. I did tell our manager about it in case she had some pissed off mom in her office later. She said not to worry about it as it was justified.

Another time there were a group of kids, mostly boys, but a couple girls walking on the sidewalk by the cars. I had the truck that day and happened to be in my craft room working on some things on the table that faced the window. I had the window slightly open to let in a bit of fresh air since the paints i was working with had a bit of a smell. I heard them talking and then all of a sudden it was quiet, but i could see them. We live on the second floor. I glanced out the window and saw one of the boys fling a baggie of dog crap onto our truck. This was long before they knew i was the "scary lady". This was the meeting of her. I snatched the window open and yelled down to them, "HEY!! I SEE YOU! YOU'D BETTER GET THAT DOG CRAP OFF THAT CAR NOOOOOOW!! I WILL TELL YOUR PARENTS!!" Most of the kids took off running except for the smallest boy who looked terrified, and like he was about to pee his pants. I repeated myself to remove the baggie or i would tell his mother. He stood on his tip toes and removed the baggie, and took off running, carrying the baggie with him. I was livid! Mostly because they'd done this before, as I've seen the baggies, but never saw who actually did it. I called the manager.

 "We see the lion cubs once again playing together. They look so cute and innocent. They notice a zebra off in the distance. The playing stops once again, and they stare at the zebra. The zebra sees them...unsure of what their plan is. Will they hunt the zebra, or leave him be? The zebra continues to graze, while keeping his eyes peered onto the lion cubs. The cubs slowly creep towards the zebra on their bellies as to not be noticed. The zebra sees them. He knows what's about to happen, but has another plan. The lion cubs continue to creep and are getting closer to the young zebra. The zebra turns his back to the cubs, and as they get closer to him, he darts off kicking up dirt behind him. The cubs are so pleased with themselves, they decide to go down to the watering hole to see if they can scare the hippos". 

Perhaps it's because i don't know these children. I'd like to remain in the "ignorance is bliss" category with my friends' children and "know" that their kids would never behave like these gremlins because their parents actually care what their kids are doing, and where they are. Our apartment manager keeps telling me school will be back in session soon, but for some of these kids, that won't matter because they're so young. We may get some peace in the day time, but that's really not when they're the most obnoxious. It's in the late afternoon/evening when the office is closed! They're smart. I'll give em' that! They know no one can complain if they wait late enough to be annoying.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Perhaps i should lighten up. But then again, we pay to live here, just like their parents who are getting a somewhat quiet afternoon, unlike their neighbors, because they've sent their kids to go play outside. But wouldn't playing out on the swings and the grass be better than playing on a dirty carpeted floor of the stairwell? I dunno. I was taught to respect the neighbors, and your elders, and others. Kids nowadays have no respect. Or maybe they do, just not for the mean lady who lives at the top of the stairs.

Pull up Some Couch

I went to counseling today. I haven't been in counseling for a long while now. I went for a while back in Oregon around 2003 or so. And it was helpful for a while...and then i stopped going once my schedule got crazy with school and work. I just couldn't keep it going.

In 2013 i went to a therapist at UNCG for a couple weeks. I didn't have a good vibe about their people and the lady i was seeing sent me to see a psychiatrist to prescribe medication for anxiety. He refused to give me any anxiety meds that I could take when i felt anxious, as it wasn't all the time. Just when i had to talk to my ex-husband or his horrible wife. So instead he gave me Zoloft for it which i had terrible side affects from. He was an asshat to talk to on top of that, so i never went back.

I don't agree with people who think that going to see a counselor or therapist (i use the two interchangeably in this post) is for the "crazy" people. No one is perfect. And i will never think that there is anyone who is. We all have baggage. We all have things that have happened in our life that is hard to deal with. A therapist is exactly what is needed sometimes. Someone impartial and who can help you deal with some things. There are plenty of people who have never thought about going to see someone, but just because you haven't gone, or even thought about it, doesn't make you a better person than those who seek help. It doesn't make the people who seek out help weak or pathetic, or lesser because of it.

For me, i guess you could say i have a lot of baggage. I'll admit that. In a nut shell i have issues with my father, the death of my sister, my grandma's passing, my first marriage and the divorce, my son, my self-esteem. I have trust issues, being an adult, being comfortable in my own skin, and my life goals and path. Since finding my aunt, i have issues with my grandparents passing, my younger brother's accident and death, as well as missing out on so much over the last 36 years, as well as a whole new mess of crap and anger towards my father. Sounds like a lot doesn't it? I thought so too. Which is why i picked up the phone.

When i told Brooks that i was going to counseling a few weeks ago, after i made the appointment, he seemed upset. He said that he felt like a "failure" because he couldn't help me through these things. But i told him that it wasn't his job to fix me. I needed someone who was impartial. And who was trained to do so. It was too much to vent to my friends and some family members. I didn't want those relationships to suffer because i was "always bitching about my problems". While he understood, i think he felt bad that he wasn't doing more to help me cope. But it's not like i tell him every thought and feeling i have. I mean, i do share a lot with him, and he knows me better than i know myself, but there are things that i just have a hard time opening up to him about, and sometimes he's not sure what to say back. And i really need feedback! And again...i don't want our relationship to suffer because of any of this.

After my grandfather's passing last month, it's opened a huge can of worms. It's brought to the surface a lot of anger towards my father. And i think for good reason. But it's something i have no idea how to deal with, and move past. Friends keep saying i need to "forgive him and let it go", or "get over it", to which I've wanted to say, 'NO SHIT SHERLOCK! But i have no idea how to do that!!' Not helpful at all. So I needed help.

Today's appointment was for 90 minutes. 90 minutes talking about yourself sounds kinda great on one hand. But after the first 15 i struggled. While i am the type of person who needs to vent things on occasion, and feels better after doing so usually, talking about my life in such details and over such a long period of time was a lot. I felt tired and a little wiped out afterwards. Which my counselor did say that can happen. She said that often times in the beginning people feel exhausted after a session because of all the things they talk about. I've brought up a lot of things in my past that i never dealt with and it's emotionally draining.

At the end of this first session, she looked at me and said, quite frankly, "You've dealt with a lot of loss in your life. The family who's passed away, and the family who wasn't there. That's a lot for one person to deal with." I never thought about it like that. But she was right.


My mom always thought it odd that i was going to therapy back in 03'. She never understood why anyone would go to therapy when there wasn't a "good" reason. To her i guess a "good" reason to go would be is if you were insane. She didn't understand that therapy is a good and helpful thing for people who have lost those that were close to them in their lives, on top of a multitude of other reasons. And it's nothing to be ashamed of! I remember when i told her about my therapy sessions back then. It was over the phone, but i could picture my mom as she said "*tisk* Why?" I was taken aback and for the first time i realized that my mom wasn't supportive of the idea of therapy. Maybe she thought that if i was going to therapy, then she was a bad mom. I'm not sure. She never brought it up again, and after that, i didn't tell her about it, or the fact that i had been on anti-depressants for a while. I've never told her any of that, or my battle with depression. She doesn't 'believe' in depression.

My first experience with loss was with my sister Kim. I was 16 when she died. And it's something that i don't think I'll ever get over. Not that I'm trying to. I just need some help to deal with that loss and the pain I've felt since. After she died i kinda went off the deep end. It's a miracle i didn't turn to drugs. But i started partying at 16 years old. Would come home drunk. Ran away at 17 for a few months. As an adult i can say with total certainty that was my outcry for help. But no one around me saw it. They were all so swept up with their own remorse and grief no one saw that i was struggling. And i don't blame anyone for that. I get it. But i do find it sad that i didn't get help back then. To this day, 20 years later, my mom still calls that time in my life my "weird phase".  I've tried talking to her and pointing out why i think that happened. But she pretends not to hear me and changes the subject.

My new therapist said that i have trust issues as well. Not that that was a total surprise, but she continued, "Your trust issues stem from leaning to your family for support when you were younger, and them not hearing you or being there for you". I thought that was very interesting, as no one has ever said that before, and it's nothing I'd ever thought of. But i think she's absolutely right. Not that I'm looking to "blame" anyone!

I think my other reason in seeking a professional, is because in the past, i have opened up to people i thought were friends and felt totally judged. And let's all admit it...we've all judged people. And let's be honest...it's no ones place to judge anyone else. However, i do think that's why a lot of folks put on the happy smile, and look like everything is fine. They don't want people to judge them. I get that. But it's not helpful to the person going through hard things in their life, to have to play pretend so their "friends" won't judge them. I mean really!! No one should have to hide.

All this to say...I'm looking forward to future sessions with her. She said the next one she'll have a treatment plan. She also said that with all the things that have happened in my life, that this will be work. It won't be easy, and there is no easy fix for this. It's going to be a lot. And in digging deeper, there will be days where I'm emotionally drained. She said she may have homework for me in the future, as she wants me to write a letter to my father. Not send it of course, but it'll be helpful to put my feelings on paper to him. I've actually already planned to do that, just to get my feelings off my chest, so it's nice that we're on the same page.

I don't share this with you to get the "good for you" or the "you're so brave to share this!" comments. I share it because i think we have a very closed minded society when it comes to mental health. People aren't supposed to talk about their issues, their anger, their struggles in their life. We're all supposed to put on a happy smile and hide what's bothering us. That's a pretty messed up way to live if you ask me! Let's open up! Let's speak out! Let's seek help if we need it!! So i share this to open up a dialog.

I've already posted my battle with depression, and so you know i feel this way. So i post this to share with the world...I'm not broken because I'm seeking counseling. I'm not worthless. And I'm not crazy. And the rest of the folks out there who have issues they need help in dealing with...seek some assistance. It's more than ok to do so! No matter what has happened in your past, you are a worthwhile person!!

I think if we can share things with others, even if that's over coffee with a confidant, or through counseling, maybe things will start to change. It'd be a good start anyway.