I went to counseling today. I haven't been in counseling for a long while now. I went for a while back in Oregon around 2003 or so. And it was helpful for a while...and then i stopped going once my schedule got crazy with school and work. I just couldn't keep it going.
In 2013 i went to a therapist at UNCG for a couple weeks. I didn't have a good vibe about their people and the lady i was seeing sent me to see a psychiatrist to prescribe medication for anxiety. He refused to give me any anxiety meds that I could take when i felt anxious, as it wasn't all the time. Just when i had to talk to my ex-husband or his horrible wife. So instead he gave me Zoloft for it which i had terrible side affects from. He was an asshat to talk to on top of that, so i never went back.
I don't agree with people who think that going to see a counselor or therapist (i use the two interchangeably in this post) is for the "crazy" people. No one is perfect. And i will never think that there is anyone who is. We all have baggage. We all have things that have happened in our life that is hard to deal with. A therapist is exactly what is needed sometimes. Someone impartial and who can help you deal with some things. There are plenty of people who have never thought about going to see someone, but just because you haven't gone, or even thought about it, doesn't make you a better person than those who seek help. It doesn't make the people who seek out help weak or pathetic, or lesser because of it.
For me, i guess you could say i have a lot of baggage. I'll admit that. In a nut shell i have issues with my father, the death of my sister, my grandma's passing, my first marriage and the divorce, my son, my self-esteem. I have trust issues, being an adult, being comfortable in my own skin, and my life goals and path. Since finding my aunt, i have issues with my grandparents passing, my younger brother's accident and death, as well as missing out on so much over the last 36 years, as well as a whole new mess of crap and anger towards my father. Sounds like a lot doesn't it? I thought so too. Which is why i picked up the phone.
When i told Brooks that i was going to counseling a few weeks ago, after i made the appointment, he seemed upset. He said that he felt like a "failure" because he couldn't help me through these things. But i told him that it wasn't his job to fix me. I needed someone who was impartial. And who was trained to do so. It was too much to vent to my friends and some family members. I didn't want those relationships to suffer because i was "always bitching about my problems". While he understood, i think he felt bad that he wasn't doing more to help me cope. But it's not like i tell him every thought and feeling i have. I mean, i do share a lot with him, and he knows me better than i know myself, but there are things that i just have a hard time opening up to him about, and sometimes he's not sure what to say back. And i really need feedback! And again...i don't want our relationship to suffer because of any of this.
After my grandfather's passing last month, it's opened a huge can of worms. It's brought to the surface a lot of anger towards my father. And i think for good reason. But it's something i have no idea how to deal with, and move past. Friends keep saying i need to "forgive him and let it go", or "get over it", to which I've wanted to say, 'NO SHIT SHERLOCK! But i have no idea how to do that!!' Not helpful at all. So I needed help.
Today's appointment was for 90 minutes. 90 minutes talking about yourself sounds kinda great on one hand. But after the first 15 i struggled. While i am the type of person who needs to vent things on occasion, and feels better after doing so usually, talking about my life in such details and over such a long period of time was a lot. I felt tired and a little wiped out afterwards. Which my counselor did say that can happen. She said that often times in the beginning people feel exhausted after a session because of all the things they talk about. I've brought up a lot of things in my past that i never dealt with and it's emotionally draining.
At the end of this first session, she looked at me and said, quite frankly, "You've dealt with a lot of loss in your life. The family who's passed away, and the family who wasn't there. That's a lot for one person to deal with." I never thought about it like that. But she was right.
My mom always thought it odd that i was going to therapy back in 03'. She never understood why anyone would go to therapy when there wasn't a "good" reason. To her i guess a "good" reason to go would be is if you were insane. She didn't understand that therapy is a good and helpful thing for people who have lost those that were close to them in their lives, on top of a multitude of other reasons. And it's nothing to be ashamed of! I remember when i told her about my therapy sessions back then. It was over the phone, but i could picture my mom as she said "*tisk* Why?" I was taken aback and for the first time i realized that my mom wasn't supportive of the idea of therapy. Maybe she thought that if i was going to therapy, then she was a bad mom. I'm not sure. She never brought it up again, and after that, i didn't tell her about it, or the fact that i had been on anti-depressants for a while. I've never told her any of that, or my battle with depression. She doesn't 'believe' in depression.
My first experience with loss was with my sister Kim. I was 16 when she died. And it's something that i don't think I'll ever get over. Not that I'm trying to. I just need some help to deal with that loss and the pain I've felt since. After she died i kinda went off the deep end. It's a miracle i didn't turn to drugs. But i started partying at 16 years old. Would come home drunk. Ran away at 17 for a few months. As an adult i can say with total certainty that was my outcry for help. But no one around me saw it. They were all so swept up with their own remorse and grief no one saw that i was struggling. And i don't blame anyone for that. I get it. But i do find it sad that i didn't get help back then. To this day, 20 years later, my mom still calls that time in my life my "weird phase". I've tried talking to her and pointing out why i think that happened. But she pretends not to hear me and changes the subject.
My new therapist said that i have trust issues as well. Not that that was a total surprise, but she continued, "Your trust issues stem from leaning to your family for support when you were younger, and them not hearing you or being there for you". I thought that was very interesting, as no one has ever said that before, and it's nothing I'd ever thought of. But i think she's absolutely right. Not that I'm looking to "blame" anyone!
I think my other reason in seeking a professional, is because in the past, i have opened up to people i thought were friends and felt totally judged. And let's all admit it...we've all judged people. And let's be honest...it's no ones place to judge anyone else. However, i do think that's why a lot of folks put on the happy smile, and look like everything is fine. They don't want people to judge them. I get that. But it's not helpful to the person going through hard things in their life, to have to play pretend so their "friends" won't judge them. I mean really!! No one should have to hide.
All this to say...I'm looking forward to future sessions with her. She said the next one she'll have a treatment plan. She also said that with all the things that have happened in my life, that this will be work. It won't be easy, and there is no easy fix for this. It's going to be a lot. And in digging deeper, there will be days where I'm emotionally drained. She said she may have homework for me in the future, as she wants me to write a letter to my father. Not send it of course, but it'll be helpful to put my feelings on paper to him. I've actually already planned to do that, just to get my feelings off my chest, so it's nice that we're on the same page.
I don't share this with you to get the "good for you" or the "you're so brave to share this!" comments. I share it because i think we have a very closed minded society when it comes to mental health. People aren't supposed to talk about their issues, their anger, their struggles in their life. We're all supposed to put on a happy smile and hide what's bothering us. That's a pretty messed up way to live if you ask me! Let's open up! Let's speak out! Let's seek help if we need it!! So i share this to open up a dialog.
I've already posted my battle with depression, and so you know i feel this way. So i post this to share with the world...I'm not broken because I'm seeking counseling. I'm not worthless. And I'm not crazy. And the rest of the folks out there who have issues they need help in dealing with...seek some assistance. It's more than ok to do so! No matter what has happened in your past, you are a worthwhile person!!
I think if we can share things with others, even if that's over coffee with a confidant, or through counseling, maybe things will start to change. It'd be a good start anyway.
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