Failure.
We were dismissed from pre-lab and everyone headed to the lab to get set up. I headed further down the hall. I went into the women's room and tried to pull myself together in a stall. I started to cry. I started to hyperventilate. I left. I left the building and had an inner dialog with myself..."What the hell are you doing?" "I'm leaving. I can't do this shit! I don't get it!" "Well the math is definitely holding you back...but seriously? Are you sure you want to do this? What are you gonna do now?" "I don't know! I don't know. I can't be here though. I look like a fucking idiot!"
I headed to my friend Ginny's house. She opened the door and welcomed me with a hug. I burst into tears. When she asked what was going on, it was nice that she actually cared. We talked about it for a while. She kept saying that it was stupid that i had to take so much chemistry when i wasn't going into researching. She agreed with me about the math. According to UNCG, they said i'd already taken college algebra. Which i hadn't. I had started taking it back in school the first time, but dropped the class when i found out i didn't need it for the degree i was seeking. So, if UNCG had realized that correctly, i wouldn't have gotten into stats or chemistry since it's a prereq for both classes! Partly my own fault, and part theirs. Either way, i wasn't doing well in school this semester.
I knew fall semester would be difficult. I never imagined it would have been THIS difficult! I missed a week of classes due to illness in September, that were all very important for further lessons in all my classes. They were all core information classes. And i was now lacking all of that.
Ginny's husband Paul, and a very dear friend came home from work. He took one look at my tear stained face and knew i'd had a bad day. He offered me a beer. We continued discussing the issues i was having. When i left, i felt a little better. Their love and support was very much appreciated and needed. I consider them family. Like adopted parents. They treat me like a daughter. And having them on my side, has been wonderful!
On the drive home there were more tears. I didn't know how i was going to tell Brooks that i was quitting. I had failed. Who wants to date a failure and a quitter? (And a girl with bad grow-out hair!!) And what the hell was i going to do now?! The hour drive seemed to take forever and by the time i got home, i wished the drive had been another hour.
Brooks knew i didn't have a good day. I wasn't supposed to be home until 8:30 and it was only a little after 5. He gave me a big hug and asked what happened. I cried and told him. And i told him what my fear was...him dating a failure. A person who was giving up because classes were too hard. I said to him through tears, "Why would you want to date someone who's a failure and a quitter? And with bad hair!" He chuckled at that, but shushed me and said that the math was a big part of that, and that wasn't all my fault. He had been watching me struggle all semester and saw how the stress was eating me alive. I'd never been this stressed out with school before. Nor had i ever failed a class, let alone three!!
Later in the evening as we sat on the couch watching TV it hit me. My big problem with the whole thing. Chandler. I didn't want to fail my son. I had wanted him to be proud of his mom. I wanted him to look at me one day and say, "Look at how hard my mom worked for her education! She paid for school twice on her own! Alone! And look at how far she's come!!" I wanted to have a career that he could be proud of! He was so excited when i told him that i was going to study to be a diabetes educator. How would he feel when i said, "Oh well...yea. That didn't work so i'm gonna get a bachelors in art".
I posted something about considering changing my major on facebook. An old friend from back home, a mother herself commented on it and asked what i was thinking about doing. I told her what my big problem was. She commented back and said, "Girl...if you keep going and just change your degree there is NO "failing!" You have started...you have a desire to finish and that's all you need. The key is going to be finding something that catches your interest so much that it doesn't matter how difficult it is....because what's keeps our attention comes easier. When I first went back to school I went for Education with a specialization in Special Ed....after the first term I hated it!! I knew I loved kiddos with disabilities and so I just jumped on board an went with it....I have gotten an A in every class that has to do with this...not because I'm uber smart....but simply because it's my passion!! You'll find it....he's not going to think any less of you with a different degree....it's the ending point that matters!"
It was the best thing anyone could have said to me! And it really hit home. She was a mom of 3 boys, so i really respect her opinion with this. She knew what i was going through, and had a great outlook on it. And for her, i am thankful!!
The next day i went to talk to financial aid. Online it said i had to talk to them first, before changing my major. They said i would have to talk to my current advisor to discuss it. I would also have to appeal financial aid for spring since i would fail so many classes and not pass the required credits to keep it. With a medical issue, that was documented, they don't see a problem with it. Especially since i'll have a letter of my own, a letter from my doctor, a success plan written up, including what my new plan for graduation is, and using a lot of the credits i already have towards my fine arts degree. I felt better.
Driving home yesterday, i got to thinking...what am i going to do with a fine arts degree though? I talked to Brooks' mom Sherrie for a while last night while i made dinner. She asked me if i'd ever thought about teaching? I had, a long time ago when i wanted to be a high school English teacher. But i'd never thought about teaching art to anyone or even at a university level. I told her that i think i was so focused on making money, and making a good living, that i wasn't as focused on my passion and what i really wanted to do with my life. She said that she knew first hand what that was like. She didn't follow her passion when she was younger and fell into a job that made her a good living. And stayed there. I knew a lot of people like that. I told her the big part was that i've struggled my entire adult life, and really wanted to make a good income, get a job that payed well and would last in economic downturns. But my artistic brain just didn't work like that. I told her about a business back home that caters art around kids and families and it would be great to open something up like that here. Although when it comes to art, i have a lot of ideas for small businesses.
Sherrie told me that i needed to follow what i love. Get my BFA and enjoy going to classes every day. There was a lot i could do with a BFA, but first i needed to get it. Chandler would be proud of me no matter what...because i followed my heart.
At the end of the day, if i'm covered in clay, paint, glaze, and charcoal...if that's what makes me happy, and i can go to my job everyday and enjoy what i do...that's all that should matter!!
No comments:
Post a Comment