When i was younger, i went through a lot of abusive and controlling relationships. All of the relationships i had for over 10 years were negative, controlling, emotionally abusive, belittling and tumultuous.
My boyfriend in high school had convinced me to run away from home. I went with him to Vancouver WA, and we were staying at his mom's house. His mom had told me one day when he was gone, that when i wanted to go home, she had a plan and would help me leave. She knew exactly what he was like and how controlling and abusive he could be. Though I didn't realize that at the time. But that's a big red flag when it comes from the mother.
One night she was working late and he and i had gotten into a water fight. Innocent enough. But then things turned. He got angry and chased me down the hall and grabbed me by the hair (it was long at the time). He dragged me into the bathroom and turned the water on in the bathtub. He forced my head under the water and i couldn't breath. It only lasted a few seconds, as his mom thankfully came home and asked what the hell was going on. I decided i was done. I left a week later.
When i was married, my husband was very controlling. He wouldn't let me talk to my family much, and refused to let me spend the holidays with them on more than one occasion. I wasn't allowed to see my friends because of his jealousy and insecurities. He was more than a little emotionally abusive! He had me convinced that if i ever left him I'd be on the street and he would never let me see Chandler again. I stayed longer than i wanted due to that. It was a long 4 dark years in my life. And entailed much more than i am discussing here.
After that i met someone else. He was an adult and the fighting that i was used to didn't exist. While he taught me a lot about how to have an adult relationship, there were a number of things that didn't work and weren't fair. At the end of our 6 year relationship he said that he was controlling but in a different way. He would nit-pick me until i did what he wanted. He would complain on what i wanted to wear out of the house until i changed clothes. He would pick about everything i did. From how i dealt with my son, how i did laundry and cooked, to how messy my desk in the office space was. He told me that his hope was that if he bitched enough, i'd go fix whatever it was, or i wouldn't do it anymore. In my own stubbornness, I would never give in very easily. It just wasn't the way i worked. If he didn't love me for who i was then and there, what was the point in being together? I left after 6 years together.
After that i moved into my own apartment. After a couple years i decided to move to North Carolina. I didn't know a soul, had no job, but felt a pull and had to find a way to go. And i did. I left Oregon and all the crap and bullshit memories behind to build a new life, somewhere i wanted to be.
I've said that for a long time i was like a bird in a small cage. I couldn't flap my wings. I didn't know how to fly. When i left my ex-husband, i just moved into a bigger cage. I could flap my wings, but still couldn't fly. When i left the man after him, i finally broke free from the cage, but still couldn't fly. But i could flap my wings! There was a silver lining!!
When i packed the 16' moving truck with all my things, and headed south on I-5 that day in October, i cried. I cried like a baby! For several miles. I couldn't believe i was actually leaving!! Finally! It was one of the best feelings in the world! I was doing this and i was doing it on my own!!
When i crossed the Tennessee border into North Carolina i cried again! I couldn't believe i was here!! It took me 7 days to cross 9 states by myself. I saw some really amazing things, some beautiful places and met some really cool people.
I was told by a few people before i left that i shouldn't go. I was crazy to go alone and not have help or a man to help me drive and protect me. I scoffed at that. I would reply with "If it's my time, it's my time. I didn't need help to do this and more importantly, it was something i needed to do on my own". To say i didn't have a lot of support in going, is a bit of an understatement. My mom however, was surprisingly very supportive. She kept telling me how proud of me she was for doing what i felt i needed to do. That meant a lot!!
When i look back on that time in my life, and those 10 years, i often wonder if that all wasn't just a bad dream. It just feels like it didn't happen when i look at how far I've come. I look back at that timid scared little bird and wonder how the hell she ever found her confidence to fly across country and sing. Breaking out of that cage was the best thing i've ever done.
And when i get down on myself for not doing certain things, or feeling like i "can't", i remind myself of how far I've come and how i taught myself to fly.
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