Dear Grams...

Dear Grams,

I miss you so much!! I miss you more than i've ever missed you, which is saying a lot!! After 15 years, you would think that i'd get over this. I'd let it go. It wouldn't hurt so much. And I wouldn't feel such remorse, or sadness...or guilt.

Christmas hasn't been the same without you over these years. And lord knows we've had a great many holidays as a family; a lot of smiles and laughs, but the ache in my heart is always present and it's all i can do to get through the holiday festivities with a smile on my face and not burst into tears on a daily basis.

I tried making your cookies last weekend. I wound up a hysterical mess in the bathroom after i threw pans and the stupid cookie press into the trash. I just missed you so much and all i wanted was to see your face one more time in the kitchen over the bowl of dough helping me make them, or at the kitchen table with your cup of coffee. They turned out terribly, which made me miss you even more.

I've been listening to a lot of carols over the last few weeks, trying and grasping at thin straws to stay merry and cheerful through the season, and remind myself of how things were when you were still with us. There are so many that make me think of you. 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' always makes me think of you dancing and i smile.

I started making short bread cookies this afternoon. Again, grasping at the thin straws and trying so desperately to make some kind of cookie that taste as good as yours did. They aren't your recipes and will never quite be the same, but i'm trying. I'm going to make your "Christmas coffee cake" in the morning. I found a recipe online that i think is similar, so we'll see how they turn out. Crossing fingers!!

I think after i bake, i'm gonna watch that Christmas movie you liked...White Christmas. I've never seen it, and i keep hearing it's a classic. May watch a few others too...get the cheer going. ;)

I thank my lucky stars everyday that you were such a big part of my life growing up!! You truly knew EVERYTHING about me. I was never scared to tell you anything, just scared I'd disappoint you. I wish you were here. I wish Brooks had been able to meet you. I know you'd like him!! I really think you had something to do with me finding him, which gives me some peace on the matter. And i know you are still with me in spirit. So i try to remember that and not cry when i miss you so much.

I don't want to bum you out, and i'm hoping this letter doesn't. It was really just me wanting to wish you a Merry Christmas and send a hug to you and my sweet sister Kim. I love you both more than words can ever express, and i miss you both terribly. Enjoy the season, (if y'all celebrate things up there) know you have family down here thinking of you. I love you.

Happy holidays Grams!!

Kids at Heart

Well i guess a good part about being on "vacation" from school is that i blog more than normal. Wait. Is that a good thing? Anyway...

I have an advent calendar that my mom bought me when i was young. She gave it to me when my son was little so that i could continue the tradition. Well with him being 15, and across the country, he doesn't partake any longer. But i continue to hang it. This year it's on the back of the bathroom door. It was the only place in the apartment where it wouldn't drag on the floor and where I'd actually move the mouse.

When i was little, my mom would wrap little things to put into the pockets. Not everyday, but for a good many. Sometimes it was a chap-stick (i had an obsession with Lipsmackers when i was a kid...hmm...do they still make the strawberry? I must investigate!), a piece of candy, or a small toy. It was always the Mouses' doing. Not my mom. He was in a way, a bit like the Elf on the Shelf is today. Except he'd leave presents, not messes (i really want an Elf!).

I noticed the other day that Brooks has been moving the mouse from pocket to pocket when he gets up. He really is so much like an over-sized child!! Which is just one of the things i love most about him!! For real!! I'm a bit of a kid myself, and why the hell not? I truly don't believe that there is ANYTHING wrong with enjoying things as children do!! Their innocence and sweetness in learning about their big world, is one of the best things about kids!! I've been scorned for acting like a kid before...in past relationships. But i won't apologize for it! Nope! F-that!! I get excited about stuff; Christmas lights, funny toys, polar bear stockings, candy, surprises, a hand-made gift from someone, birthdays, holidays, sparklers, the beach, going somewhere new, camping trips, parks with swings i can fit into, trips back home, toy stores, Lego's, the Disney Store...etc. I love that Brooks appreciates things like i do.

The other day we were in Hobby Lobby and he told me to pick out a stocking that i wanted to have for the next 50 years. Well stockings nowadays won't last that long, but his point was that he still uses the one his grandmother needle-pointed for him as a baby. 34 years ago. Can't blame him there. So he wanted me to have one that i loved as much. I had a snowman one in my hand (which ultimately won out over the rest and is now hanging next to his on our book shelf) and was looking at the others that hung in the isle. I saw a blue one with a polar bear on it. I literally shrieked like a little girl, "OMG!! LOOK AT THE POLAR BEAR!!!!" He started laughing and said how cute i was to be so excited about a stocking.

Kids keep people young at heart. Life is too damn problematic and real and just a pain in the ass to be SO serious ALL the time!! I don't have the ability to be around people like that. Ones who are so serious, negative, pessimistic and just nasty all the time...nope. Not at all. If it's one of these things and not the rest, then i can deal with them in small doses, but if they have all of these qualities...forget it!! To each his own i always say, but i just don't understand the negativity and hatred for everything! Why can't people find something, just one tiny thing in this wonderful world to enjoy each day?

I love the meme that's going around right now about looking up into the sky for just a moment each day and realize how incredible life is!! I try to do that at least once a day. Just to take a small moment and be...blissful. Even when shit hits the fan. We are such tiny things in the universe and it's all so amazing. *sigh*

I dunno. Glad i'm not them i guess. But it makes me sad for people like that.

Back to my point...i put a present in the pouch for today. It was a pack of gum. Nothing big, but still sweet anyway. It was wrapped and tied with a ribbon and clipped to the pouch. The mouse delivered to Brooks. If nothing else, then to help him see how it works before we have kids.

Last night when we were awoken by the massive cockroach that was nibbling my hand in the middle of the night, in our BED (i tell ya...i may totally loose it if this ever happens again!! A blog for another day though), and we got up because neither of us could sleep after that, and watched Jackass the Movie (*sigh*), Brooks saw the present and said, "What's the deal with that thing that's in the pocket of the calendar anyway?" I had turned into Samuel L. Jackson by that point due to the shock of being awoken by an enormous insect at 2 am, and said something like, "It's how it works dammit! That's what's supposed to happen! He brings you stuff and leaves it in the F-in pockets! Didn't you ever have an f-ing advent calendar when you were a kid? I mean come on!!" Oh boy. Well it's almost 2 in the afternoon and he STILL hasn't opened it. I kinda want to throw it at him and say, "HERE!! THIS IS FROM THE MOUSE!!!" Lol. I won't though. He clearly doesn't get it yet. That's ok. He'll learn, one holiday season at a time.

Saucy sauce recipe

I love to cook. Like for REAL!! And i'm a damn good cook too, if i do say so myself. But i RARELY share any of my recipes. And when i actually give someone a recipe, it's usually the basic of whatever recipe it is, mainly because if they mess it up, they'll blame ME, and because i never measure anything and i cook by taste...(which is why i hate baking!! Not much room to be original. So frustrated on the cookie-baking front this year. I won't go there though), and i tend to change stuff each time i make something. And I guess for the simple fact..they're mine and i want to hoard the good ones and keep them quiet. Some of them, Brooks doesn't even know how i make them. And i was always good with that. There's something fun about secret family recipes. Well, kinda. But then last night i blogged about my mid-life crisis. I said that life just seems to be slipping by at a rapid rate. Ok, so maybe those weren't the exact words i used, but it was the gist.

Today i started making my bolognese sauce for dinner. It's now after 5pm. I started said sauce over 5 hours ago and it'll take another 2 before we can eat. It takes a massive chunk of time to make it, but maaaan it's amazing (Your house will smell AMA-ZING!!!)!!! And i got to thinking..."why not share it?" I mean really, why not?! I've made it for friends, and put it into my lasagna (which i have specifics on that one too...perhaps another day i'll share that one) and spent HOURS on it. Like i said...takes some serious time, but it's SOOOO worth every freakin second!!! And it's really not difficult. Just time consuming. It's good for a Sunday dinner with family, or on your day off. It's NOT, i repeat NOT a recipe you can make quickly or rush through!! TRUST ME!! I tried once. It was terrible. Oh, and if you don't have a mass amount of people coming over for this...like at least 10 people, cut this recipe in half. Or you can freeze what's leftover. I'll use the left over for lasagna at some point, maybe next week. It makes a shit ton of sauce!!!!

So. Having said that...here it is....

Bolognese Sauce, adapted from Anne Burrell

Ingredients

1 large onion or 2 small, cut into quarters (chunks)
2 large carrots
3 ribs celery
4 cloves garlic
Extra-virgin olive oil, for the pan
Kosher salt (I use sea salt)
3 pounds ground chuck, brisket or round or combination
2 cups tomato paste (I don't measure this one out, as there's always some paste stuck to the can. I use what i can out of the big 12oz can and most of a second 12 oz can)
3 cups hearty red wine (i am not a Cabernet fan, but i find the cheapest cab. i can find and it works amazingly well)
Water
3 bay leaves
1 bunch thyme, tied in a bundle (I didn't have a bundle of thyme today, so i tossed in a couple handfuls of dried. Tastes the same)
1 pound spaghetti
1/2 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano (or parm...whatever grated cheese you have or like)
High quality extra-virgin olive oil, for finishing

Directions

In a food processor, puree onion, carrots, celery, and garlic into a coarse paste. In a large pan (i use a big stock pot as this recipe makes a LOT of sauce!!!! This way it's one pan clean-up!) over medium heat, coat pan with oil. Add the pureed veggies and season generously with salt. Bring the pan to a medium-high heat and cook until all the water has evaporated and they become nice and brown, stirring frequently, about 15 to 20 minutes. Be patient, this is where the big flavors develop. (This is the worst part, i think, of this recipe. Turn your back once the heat is up, and you'll burn the veggies. Patience is key with this recipe. And i've made this with a grater to grate the veggies...i recommend a food processor if you have one or if you can borrow one. It'll make the process of all this SOOO much easier!! But if you don't, finely dice the onion, grate the celery and carrot, and finely mince the garlic.)

Add the ground beef and season again generously with salt. BROWN THE BEEF! Brown food tastes good. Don't rush this step. Cook another 15 to 20 minutes. (She doesn't say to drain the beef...but i suppose you can. I normally don't. I felt that the meat-grease added to the flavor in my opinion, but let me tell you...if you don't, your tummy may not like you and you'll need a bucket of Tums to help. Just sayin)

Add the tomato paste and cook until brown about 4 to 5 minutes. Add the red wine. Cook until the wine has reduced by half, another 4 to 5 minutes. (This step means to reduce the wine IN the pan! Apparently. Not to reduce the wine IN your own body. No fun i tell ya!! Oh, btw...3 cups of wine is almost an entire bottle. Just an fyi if you don't actually measure like me ;). Today when i made this, it took a good 20 minutes for the wine to reduce. Just be patient)

Add water to the pan until the water is about 1 inch above the meat. Toss in the bay leaves and the bundle of thyme and stir to combine everything. Bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer, stirring occasionally. As the water evaporates you will gradually need to add more, about 2 to 3 cups at a time. Don't be shy about adding water during the cooking process, you can always cook it out. This is a game of reduce and add more water. This is where big rich flavors develop. If you try to add all the water in the beginning you will have boiled meat sauce rather than a rich, thick meaty sauce. Stir and TASTE frequently. Season with salt, if needed (you probably will). Simmer for 3 1/2 to 4 hours.

During the last 30 minutes of cooking, bring a large pot of water to a boil over high heat to cook the spaghetti. Pasta water should ALWAYS be well salted. Salty as the ocean! TASTE IT! If your pasta water is under seasoned it doesn't matter how good your sauce is, your complete dish will always taste under seasoned. When the water is at a rolling boil add the spaghetti and cook for 1 minute less than it calls for on the package. Reserve 1/2 cup of the pasta cooking water.

While the pasta is cooking remove 1/2 of the ragu from the pot and reserve. 

***I don't put the pasta and ALL the sauce together! I actually remove a good portion of the sauce and freeze it for another day. ***

Drain the pasta and add to the pot with the remaining ragu. Stir or toss the pasta to coat with the sauce. Add some of the reserved sauce, if needed, to make it about an even ratio between pasta and sauce. Add the reserved pasta cooking water and cook the pasta and sauce together over a medium heat until the water has reduced. Turn off the heat and give a big sprinkle of Parmigiano and a generous drizzle of the high quality finishing olive oil. (I don't do this part) Toss or stir vigorously.  Divide the pasta and sauce into serving bowls or 1 big pasta bowl. Top with remaining grated Parmigiano. Serve immediately.

"What is the hatter with me? Have i gone mad?" ~ Lewis Carroll

I've got 5 more months until i hit, what some consider...mid life. 35. Ok, stop laughing. I've heard people say mid life is 35. Is that true? Or is it in the 40's people feel this way? I dunno. I don't think i care. What i do know is that i seem to be going through some sort of mid-life... thing. Perhaps it's early. Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me i'm only going to live until i'm 70. Sorry to be so dark. But as a type 1 diabetic, ya think about these things quite often and more often than not, you hear some doctor saying something about how long you won't live. Nice.

Well anyway, lately i can't seem to focus. On anything!! It's like a sudden onset of ADD. It's a bit unsettling. I go from one thing to another in a literal moments notice, and without a second glance. Like the other day, i was cleaning the kitchen. I was sweeping. Next thing i know, i'm sitting on the floor in the living room, rummaging through the DVD's (took them out of the cabinets and made a bunch of small piles all over the floor!! Wtf is that?! The house needed to be cleaned!! HELLO!) And all the while, there is a pile of dust bunnies on the kitchen floor with the broom in the corner, a bag of trash sitting by the door to take out and the fridge wide open, waiting for me to finish cleaning it out. I know this sounds silly...but there have been a good many other instances like this. For weeeeeeeks on end!! I've always been a bit flighty, but it's just gotten so much worse in recent weeks. Y'all should have seen how long it took me to package 4 small boxes of a few Christmas items for my family back home!! DAYS!!!! Like seriously. MULTIPLE. DAYS!!!!

I keep telling Brooks that i'm thinking of cutting my hair again. I'm on the fence. Where a few weeks ago...i was alllll about it!! As i've always stated...it's just hair! It'll grow back!! And hair should be fun! But now to think about it seriously, with the phone in my hand to call Adam for an appointment, freaks me out to the point i start to cry. And i miss my short hair!! A LOT (I won't go into how much i hate my long hair right now. That rant is for another blog post)!!

It may not help that i have a LLLOOOOOTTTTT of friends right now having babies. The last 5 days alone, i counted 7 new babies, and have seen 2 other bundles in person!! I was lucky that i didn't burst into uterus hysteria when i got to hold one of my friends lil guys the other day!! With each pic i see on FB of the newest addition to a friends' family, i cry. Like full on, hysterical tears (and no. It's not because i'm PMSing thanks. I'm beyond tired of people blaming THAT for everything i experience, i could scream!! It's SO much worse then btw!!) I keep hearing the clock ticking. I'll be 35 in May!! It's not about my age in relation to having a child. It's being a 35 year old DIABETIC having a child/children!! Even though my doc may be giving us the green light on the baby carrying front next month, once we recheck my blood work, it still sits in the back of my mind it is really hard on a diabetic to have children the older they get. TICK TICK TICK!!!! And we aren't married yet! We aren't "officially" engaged yet. So it could be another 2-3 years (weddings take time to plan ya know!!), before we are set for starting a family. I'm ok to have kids before we get married, and as much as Brooks wants kids, i know for certain he won't care when, but as i said, the clock is ticking, but ya know...people tend to really frown on that. UGH!! WHY do i care what "PEOPLE" think anyway?! It's 2013 for crying out loud!! SEE!? This is what i'm talking about! I can't even blog with a solid thought.

And then there's the society crap that everyone just loooves. You know what i'm talking about. The things you're "supposed" to do/have done in your 30's. And me not being anywhere close to any of them. I mean, i'm a student again for crying out loud!! And i know i shouldn't worry about what society or anyone else thinks, or tells me what i "should" be doing with my own life. But having grown up hearing it, it's hard to make it go away.

Then I got to thinking about school the other day too!! (Like i said...it's moment to moment...very flighty and soooo all over the place) Ok, so when i graduate with my bachelors, i'll be 37. Then there's 2 years of graduate school. BOOM! I'll be 39 maybe 40...depending on if the school says i need to do a post bac. Then what? If we wait to have kids until then, i'll be home with them for a good 8-10 (which is totally fine with me! I'd love to be able to do that!!) But then, ok so that'll mean i'll be 49/50 by the time i finally do something with the degree? WTF? What's the point? I mean really? To be in school debt of over 150K by the time i get a "real job" at the age of 50???!! And what on earth will i do to help support our family while i'm home with our babies? I mean, Etsy didn't do crap this year...(my own fault!!) and unless i can find something to do that's profitable at home, how will we get by with 4 people? We can't afford to put a child in day care...i mean, even if i was working. Child care is ridiculously expensive!!

Ugh. Pass the wine, and where did i put those mini snickers anyway??


Ok, so i know a lot of people who are going to read this and tell me not to worry so much. Not to obsess over any of this stuff. People who will tell me age is allllll relative. It's how young you feel. I get that. And i don't feel like i'm in my 30's until my mind starts to wander. Which, in case you have skipped over all of this, happens a LOT!!!! I'm exhausted. Ya know what would be soooo helpful? If we had won that big huge lottery the other day! Then NONE of this would be an issue. Well most of it wouldn't be anyway. Does that tell me it's all revolved around money? Or, lack there of? Maybe.

Mmmm....snickers!!

I don't know. I know this all seems SO beyond petty and stupid. I know. I keep telling myself that too. Believe me!! I know. But it doesn't make these thoughts go away. I wish it worked that way. I just feel...like life is slipping away all too quick. The older i get, the more i see that time really does just fly by!! Brooks and i celebrate our year and a half anniversary on Christmas day. I can't BELIEVE how quick it's gone by! Some days i feel like it was just yesterday that we had that long convo on the phone. And now, here we are. Poor man. I know y'all are feeling sorry for him, i'm right there with you!! I'm thankful he's my bff and he knows all this shit already. Well...most of it anyway. 

For those of you who are wondering...here's 40 "symptoms" you may be having a mid-life "issue". I won't tell you what my number is on this list. I'll keep that one to myself thanks!
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/you-having-midlife-crisis-check-2020597

Ring...a ding, ding!!

We were out with some friends a few weeks ago, having a few drinks and we got to chatting later, after everyone else had gone, with my adoptive father Paul. Brooks and i had already had several conversations about who would give me away when we get married. It's in the works...and i'll get to the specifics in a minute. But i had always suggested that I ask Paul to do the honors. For one, i never knew my real dad. Another blog for another day on that POS, but anyway...after i'd been in the Boro about a year or so, when i met Paul. He's literally like the father i never had. And he was a BIG reason i even met Brooks in the first place, so it's more than fitting. Anyway, we were outside smoking and finishing our beverages when it came up. Brooks told him, "oh yes! We'd like you to do that honor!" Paul seemed dumbfounded for a moment, looked at me, (kind of like..."What the hell is he talkin' about?) and i said, "We've been talking about it, and though we aren't "officially" engaged, i can't imagine anyone else giving me away but you". We never got the answer, beyond teary eyes, but I'll take that as a yes. ;)

The other day we were watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix (it's my new thing!!) and i had decorated (with the exception of the tree) the apartment in Christmas decor. Last year i started making coasters for us. I made several with Christmas stuffs on them. Brooks started to talk about how great they were. Even with 2 beers in me, it was enough to move me to tears. Yes, i cried over the stupid coasters. It wasn't so much them, as it was HIM!!! I've been through some crap in my life, and some not-so-great relationships and definitely NOT such relationships that the other person was SO freakin supportive of MY art!! He went on and on about how much he loved those coasters that i made last Christmas. I welled up. I told him that i know i bitch about the dishes that I ALWAYS have to do, and how he won't even put his dirty laundry in the basket, but i love him so much, that there are times it's almost debilitating!! He is my world!!

I always had a vision of who i wanted to spend my life with. Someone who cared about me, who was supportive of my dreams, goals and aspirations...no matter how farfetched or idiotic they may seem, someone who loved me for who i was...not for who i "could" be. I wanted someone who made me laugh, who appreciated the little things in life, who not only "said" he loved me, but actually SHOWED it!!! Someone who was there for me in the great, good, bad and ugly times. Who wouldn't be scared to tell me how he felt...or who went running when shit hit the fan! I had enough of all that crap! Enough to sink the fucking Titanic!!

I had made a list a long while ago, after the advise of a co-worker who said, "Put everything you want in another person in a list. Say it out loud! Put it out in the universe!!" I thought this girl had lost her damn mind, but i went home that night and made my list. And then i read it aloud. It took me 4 years, numerous bad relationships...including 2 ex-felons, 1 alcoholic and 1 coke-head to finally find the man of my dreams.

Took me long enough to find him, but Brooks is SOOOOOOO that man!!! There are times, when i watch too many dramas on TV, and i put myself in the shoes of some woman and i loose my shit. I really can't, nor do i want to, imagine my life without him!!! I have found myself a few times, sitting on the porch at 1 in the morning, long after he's gone to bed, after watching some stupid movie, sobbing because i just can't bare the thought of ever loosing him!! We've both said, we want to be one of those old couples who die hours apart, because of a broken heart. He's my rock. My shoulder. My smile. My reason for being. My umbrella. My equal. My love. My best friend. My better half! He is my everything!!

I learned a long time ago, how to survive as a single woman. I can camp and start my own fire. I can go back to school. I can pay my bills. I can cook. I can fix my own toilet by my damn self, thank you very much!! I can buy and sell a vehicle. I can move across town or across country alone. I can stand on my own and very capable two feet and do not 'need' a man to do shit for me!! I'm not a dependent person! But the idea of not having this amazing person in my life...well it makes me want to vomit and crawl into the corner of our living room. I'm not sure what the hell i would do without him!! I want to live my life with him. Stand beside him and support him. I want to marry him and have children with him. I want to build a long and happy life together, and walk down this long road together. Hand in hand.

We bought the first of the wedding rings tonight. We are not "officially engaged" yet. But it's coming. I knew it after the first phone call we had. But that's for another blog post....anyway...Brooks came across some guys wedding bands online. They were having a freakin DEAL and a HALF!!! He showed the list of them to me, along with his fav, and i said, "Buy it!!" He looked at me funny at first, and then asked how to find his ring size without one of those jewelers tools. We figured it out and he bought it!!

All this time, i've been looking for unique rings for men. I found one that had dinosaur bone in it!! HOW FREAKIN COOL IS THAT?! Well...his ring won't have dinosaur bone in it. I told him about that before he bought the ring...i'm not sure it went over too well. I think he was weirded out. Or terrified of how much THAT would cost (it actually wasn't too far out there). Haha! 

When i think about walking down the isle to him, i cry. When i think of what vows i will say to him (if we do our own) i cry. When i think of Paul walking me down the isle, i cry. When i imagine that day, i cry (Jeez!! One would think i'm PMSing or something!!). But they are ALL the happiest of tears!! I'm very excited and elated about it all!!!

We've talked about marriage in some detail. He has said, and remains VERY stubborn about it, that he doesn't want to ask me to marry him until he has the ring of my dreams in his hand. And he also says, quite a lot actually, that if he had been in a position of not being unemployed at the time, he would have asked me within the first few months of us dating. I've said a few times, we could do the engagement thing without rings. But he is sooooo persistent on buying me a ring that i will "LOVE" and that i "deserve", it's hard to argue. And believe it or not, I've tried!! I even said, that if his grandmother would be willing to let go of the ring his grandfather gave her (which, i don't think would happen...he was the absolute love of her life and i can't blame her there!!!), i would be honored to wear it!!  But he has a plan and like me, is very stubborn about things once they are in his head of how they "should" be. Lol!! We are such peas in a pod!!

There is a quote that i just love, i think it's by far my most favorite. It says, "Love is just a word until you find someone who gives it a definition".  It's very true. Brooks is my definition!

Crash & Burn

As the end of the fall semester is coming to a close...as of tomorrow...WHOOOHOOO!!!!

I failed my geology class. This much i do know. I am not a sciency person. There is a reason i am not a science major. I enjoyed biology, and liked science back in middle school, but that's it. I am not so much a fan of memorizing facts and crap anymore. I've got more important stuff to try to log into my memory bank now. And Newton's Law isn't one of them. Sooooo....i have to take another science class before i graduate. *Sigh* In a way, not graduating until Fall of 2016 is a good thing in this sense. I've got time.

The semester was fun. I met a lot of really cool new people. Some amazing artists, that i am now lucky enough to call friends, and watched as chaos ensued around me, damn near on a daily basis. It was always something. From Slippy falling into the slip contraption and our dear professor having to (literally!) hose her off, to a puff of smoke coming out of the furnace and the entire building loosing power....we had some interesting days.

A scholarship to Penland School of Crafts was one of the more stressful events. As of today, i know of three people to apply. Myself being one of them. Penland is a national center for craft education in the Blue Ridge mountains, up near Boone NC. Through them and UNCG, they send one art student to Penland for 2 weeks in the summer. All expenses paid and the lucky student gets to study for the 2 weeks, under an artist of their choosing. My friend Kathy went last year and said it was an incredible experience!! The way it's always worked in years prior, was that our ceramics professor would pick someone. End of story. This year, the guy in the big office upstairs decided to open it up to the entire art department and make us battle it out. Make it competitive since we will be competing for the rest of our existence for shows and openings. Which to me is allllll the more reason to not make it competitive!! We already look at every artist in the building as competition. So we were told to send 3-5 images (i sent 4) along with a letter of intent. Why we wanted to go to Penland. I started my letter 2 months prior, (thankfully i had the foresight to do so) so it went fairly easy for me. But as the due date got closer, and with me spending much of this semester sick with something, i lost a lot of working time. I didn't feel good about the work i was submitting from this semester. I had one piece that is in progress and the other one i wasn't too pleased with the glazing, and it's just not a strong piece. But it is what it is, and i photographed them and sent them along with my "please pick me" letter. We find out next week (i think) who the lucky student is. Sitting on pins and needles until then!

Tomorrow marks my last final before break for 6 weeks. Maybe just 5? I don't know...don't care. It's a long and much needed break!! So during that time my plan is to clean, and organize our apartment, get holiday decor up and spend some time in the studio doing what i want. Next semester will be here before i know it, so I'm gonna enjoy the break doing what i want!!

This semester i had a class that was an intro to sculpture essentially. The professor was, at the beginning of the semester, a god among men. He was like a rock star who taught art classes. He has work, and when i say "work" it's really MASSIVE sculptures all over the world! He's quite revered apparently. So i thought. By now the real "man behind the curtain" has shown himself and there is a small group of us who call him the "emperor". He constantly hit his students where it hurt most. At their talent. It wasn't enough to bitch at us during a critique or tell us the work we put in on the assignments of his wasn't good enough for the real world, but would find us outside of class working on other stuff for other professors' classes and tell us it was "shit". Yesterday i had my last crit in his class. I totally expected him to rip me a new one and tell me it was utter shit and i needed to quit school and go work at McDonald's. He's said as much over the course of the last 15 weeks, so i was ready to let it roll off my back as best i could. I think hell froze over a bit yesterday though!!

I was about the 4th or 5th person who's work we discussed yesterday morning. I still had an almost full cup of coffee, so i know it wasn't much past 9am. He came over to the table i had it sitting on and said something to the effects of "This is fantastic! Look at the detail of this! Look at the time you put into it! And more importantly, you put part of yourself in it, and i can see that!" W. T. F?!  If he had exhaled in my direction, i think i would have fallen over! I was dumbfounded!! WHAT?! WHO WAS THIS MAN?! Was he just in a good mood, or had he really thought that? I was really quite speechless and didn't know what on earth to say. So i just muttered what sounded like 'thank you' and nodded my head. It damn near moved me to tears though. I won't lie. This has been a very rough semester artistically for me. And I'm still struggling to find my niche. So this was really, for me, the best i could have asked for in regards to him.

The assignment was to take a piece of music; a lyric, song, album, artist, etc., and build a sculpture out of recycled materials that read as the music in some way. I chose Ralph Roddenberry's, 'She Gets There'. I think if there was some TV movie about me, this song would very much be the soundtrack of my life!! For those of you who haven't heard of him, do yourself a favor and GO LOOK HIM UP!! Here, I'll help you. Here's a link to his Reverbnation site with his tunes...http://www.reverbnation.com/ralphroddenbery/song/1493153-she-gets-there

Anyway, so i chose to base it on the line "She packed her things and spread her wings" and built a "suitcase" with a bird coming out of it. And made it out of strips of magazines that were quilled and glued...that curling paper technique. Talk about a PAIN IN THE ASS!!!! I struggled with this one i think the most of all the projects of the semester. Even my 4ft sculpture of the Flecktones was easier than this! Plus it was so small. I'm not used to working small. Shocking i know!! But because the song is so close to my heart, it really showed in the care and time in the details i put into it. I wish i had a pic of it...i'll post one as soon as i pick it up this weekend.

Ceramics this semester went ok. I was literally sick most of the semester with something!! So i missed a lot of working time and because clay is so time sensitive, some things worked, and some didn't. During the first crit we had in class, i told the class i didn't know what i was doing, put my work, abilities and talent down, and basically tore apart my own sculpture. I got a phone call about it the next evening while i was working in the studio on the second piece. I won't mention names to protect my person, but person told me they were worried about me as an artist. The conversation went on, but those first few minutes of person reaching out like that, moved me to tears!! I was so touched. And person was right! I needed to not shoot myself in the foot and get behind myself for support and believe in myself more. I needed to take credit where it was due and be gracious, not shake it off and speak on the contrary. Not everyone is an artist. And not every artist works the same. I had abilities and things i could be proud of and work to get better at. Am i perfect? Hell no! But that doesn't mean my work is total crap!! So, now i try to keep all that in mind. Person's voice is constantly in my head as i work, and i will forever be indebted to person for that.


This is my Flecktones piece. It's based on Bela Fleck and the Flecktones. Haven't heard of them? Here's a link to my fav...http://youtu.be/vPT3CGe4FS0 . I saw them in concert at Shakori a few years ago and it literally changed my life!! I was in a really dark place for a long time before going on this camping trip and this was sort of an awakening for me. But i digress...a story for another blog. (Good lord this one is long!! Sorry!!!)

It stands an inch shy of 4 ft before it was fired. By far, this is my most favorite!! The instruments are damn near to scale! And the flowers, are pretty great too!

When i built it, i built it on a kiln shelf so it'd be a bit easier to fire. Well that was the plan anyway. The day we moved it, the shelf broke under it as we were lifting it!! OMG!!!! Damn near lost the whole thing to the floor during the ceramics 1 class. Thankfully one of the students in there was standing at the end of the table and watching this, so we both grabbed for the piece, i grabbed part of the very heavy shelf that was about to bust to tiny pieces on the floor, or take out a toe, and we managed to save it. Cat like reflexes i tell ya!! And thankfully it's pretty light considering it's massive size! And yes, this piece is hollow!! Making things thick and solid is just a way to make a kiln bomb. No thanks!!

During the entire process of building this one, i had SO many people come over to me while i was working and say things like, "That's really big!" or "Why can't you make anything small?" or my personal fav, "Where in the heck are you gonna put that thing when you're done?" With each comment, I'd get a little closer to throwing a wad of clay at the person, but I'd try really hard to take a breath and respond with, "Yea i know", "Go big or go home!" or "Worrying about that hinders the creative process". I really have very little patience for ignorant people, and truly feel that when people comment in a negative way on someones art work, it's from ignorance. Negative comments aren't always constructive criticism, sometimes they're just mean.

This piece is still unfinished. I'm getting closer though, so within the next few weeks running test tiles will be my focus and finding a way to finish this.

I did a series of heads as well. It was really a work of exploration and i gave them a purpose. They were what I've titled, "Finding beautify in negative space". They aren't pretty by any means. So i added a small flower to each one as the beauty. I really just wanted to play and see what happened. I didn't want them to be pretty or with a "finished" sense to them. I wanted them to catch a viewer off guard. The glazing is where they kinda went to crap. That's where i tend to lose my work. Or i don't like my work after it's finished. Which is why Flecktones is still sitting unfinished. I'm terrified to make a mistake with this one and ruin the whole thing. 4 feet of hideous glazing is a big mistake and not something i want to look at in my house.

"Finding Beauty in Negative Space"

This is the first bust. The unfinished one. Top of the "head". I used the bust as a base for the abstract that followed. It was about us moving from the country back to the city. I really love this one and am excited for it to be finished! It's sitting in my professors office taking up the limited space in there. Still trying to find a nice white glaze that i like. No luck so far though.





Here's the back. These photos aren't even of the finished piece now that i look a bit more closely at them. Ahh well. That's ok. Ya get the gist.








This is the other large bust, the second one i started at the same time i was working on Flecktones and trying to do both. But i kinda lost interest once i had the base for this one. It was over 4 ft. in height and so i tried several times to rework it. But i never wrote any of the ideas down and then would start again, trying to pull it together. The sad part was that it was well over 100 pounds of clay that i recycled. The only part i saved was a few of the fishy faces i had on the side and a cool boot with flowers. That sit, say it with me...unfinished. Lol!!

It was actually really sort of healing to cut this big monstrosity apart!! It felt very freeing and relaxing.

Ok, so i know this blog is like a mile freakin long, and quite honestly...i doubt anyone really cares to read this whole thing...it was really me just purging out some of the stuff that's been in my head and needed to get it off my chest. But one more thing...

Chubby caterpillar!!!! 

I made this caterpillar for my niece for Christmas. I'm currently in the process of glazing it. Shocking! Something that I've actually finished!! His head comes off and he's actually a pot. So he's functional and not just some dust collecting sculpture. And he's sort of an inside joke between the two of us, but he's the cutest thing I've ever made!! I really love him and kinda want to keep him myself!  

I love his face!! I keep being told he looks like
the caterpillar from Bug's Life, but that was
NEVER the intent!! Please don't sue me Disney!

He has 3 pair of what will be red Chuck Taylor's!

Ok. I'm done now. :)