Dear Grams...

Dear Grams,

I miss you so much!! I miss you more than i've ever missed you, which is saying a lot!! After 15 years, you would think that i'd get over this. I'd let it go. It wouldn't hurt so much. And I wouldn't feel such remorse, or sadness...or guilt.

Christmas hasn't been the same without you over these years. And lord knows we've had a great many holidays as a family; a lot of smiles and laughs, but the ache in my heart is always present and it's all i can do to get through the holiday festivities with a smile on my face and not burst into tears on a daily basis.

I tried making your cookies last weekend. I wound up a hysterical mess in the bathroom after i threw pans and the stupid cookie press into the trash. I just missed you so much and all i wanted was to see your face one more time in the kitchen over the bowl of dough helping me make them, or at the kitchen table with your cup of coffee. They turned out terribly, which made me miss you even more.

I've been listening to a lot of carols over the last few weeks, trying and grasping at thin straws to stay merry and cheerful through the season, and remind myself of how things were when you were still with us. There are so many that make me think of you. 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' always makes me think of you dancing and i smile.

I started making short bread cookies this afternoon. Again, grasping at the thin straws and trying so desperately to make some kind of cookie that taste as good as yours did. They aren't your recipes and will never quite be the same, but i'm trying. I'm going to make your "Christmas coffee cake" in the morning. I found a recipe online that i think is similar, so we'll see how they turn out. Crossing fingers!!

I think after i bake, i'm gonna watch that Christmas movie you liked...White Christmas. I've never seen it, and i keep hearing it's a classic. May watch a few others too...get the cheer going. ;)

I thank my lucky stars everyday that you were such a big part of my life growing up!! You truly knew EVERYTHING about me. I was never scared to tell you anything, just scared I'd disappoint you. I wish you were here. I wish Brooks had been able to meet you. I know you'd like him!! I really think you had something to do with me finding him, which gives me some peace on the matter. And i know you are still with me in spirit. So i try to remember that and not cry when i miss you so much.

I don't want to bum you out, and i'm hoping this letter doesn't. It was really just me wanting to wish you a Merry Christmas and send a hug to you and my sweet sister Kim. I love you both more than words can ever express, and i miss you both terribly. Enjoy the season, (if y'all celebrate things up there) know you have family down here thinking of you. I love you.

Happy holidays Grams!!