I've got 5 more months until i hit, what some consider...mid life. 35. Ok, stop laughing. I've heard people say mid life is 35. Is that true? Or is it in the 40's people feel this way? I dunno. I don't think i care. What i do know is that i seem to be going through some sort of mid-life... thing. Perhaps it's early. Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me i'm only going to live until i'm 70. Sorry to be so dark. But as a type 1 diabetic, ya think about these things quite often and more often than not, you hear some doctor saying something about how long you won't live. Nice.
Well anyway, lately i can't seem to focus. On anything!! It's like a sudden onset of ADD. It's a bit unsettling. I go from one thing to another in a literal moments notice, and without a second glance. Like the other day, i was cleaning the kitchen. I was sweeping. Next thing i know, i'm sitting on the floor in the living room, rummaging through the DVD's (took them out of the cabinets and made a bunch of small piles all over the floor!! Wtf is that?! The house needed to be cleaned!! HELLO!) And all the while, there is a pile of dust bunnies on the kitchen floor with the broom in the corner, a bag of trash sitting by the door to take out and the fridge wide open, waiting for me to finish cleaning it out. I know this sounds silly...but there have been a good many other instances like this. For weeeeeeeks on end!! I've always been a bit flighty, but it's just gotten so much worse in recent weeks. Y'all should have seen how long it took me to package 4 small boxes of a few Christmas items for my family back home!! DAYS!!!! Like seriously. MULTIPLE. DAYS!!!!
I keep telling Brooks that i'm thinking of cutting my hair again. I'm on the fence. Where a few weeks ago...i was alllll about it!! As i've always stated...it's just hair! It'll grow back!! And hair should be fun! But now to think about it seriously, with the phone in my hand to call Adam for an appointment, freaks me out to the point i start to cry. And i miss my short hair!! A LOT (I won't go into how much i hate my long hair right now. That rant is for another blog post)!!
It may not help that i have a LLLOOOOOTTTTT of friends right now having babies. The last 5 days alone, i counted 7 new babies, and have seen 2 other bundles in person!! I was lucky that i didn't burst into uterus hysteria when i got to hold one of my friends lil guys the other day!! With each pic i see on FB of the newest addition to a friends' family, i cry. Like full on, hysterical tears (and no. It's not because i'm PMSing thanks. I'm beyond tired of people blaming THAT for everything i experience, i could scream!! It's SO much worse then btw!!) I keep hearing the clock ticking. I'll be 35 in May!! It's not about my age in relation to having a child. It's being a 35 year old DIABETIC having a child/children!! Even though my doc may be giving us the green light on the baby carrying front next month, once we recheck my blood work, it still sits in the back of my mind it is really hard on a diabetic to have children the older they get. TICK TICK TICK!!!! And we aren't married yet! We aren't "officially" engaged yet. So it could be another 2-3 years (weddings take time to plan ya know!!), before we are set for starting a family. I'm ok to have kids before we get married, and as much as Brooks wants kids, i know for certain he won't care when, but as i said, the clock is ticking, but ya know...people tend to really frown on that. UGH!! WHY do i care what "PEOPLE" think anyway?! It's 2013 for crying out loud!! SEE!? This is what i'm talking about! I can't even blog with a solid thought.
And then there's the society crap that everyone just loooves. You know what i'm talking about. The things you're "supposed" to do/have done in your 30's. And me not being anywhere close to any of them. I mean, i'm a student again for crying out loud!! And i know i shouldn't worry about what society or anyone else thinks, or tells me what i "should" be doing with my own life. But having grown up hearing it, it's hard to make it go away.
Then I got to thinking about school the other day too!! (Like i said...it's moment to moment...very flighty and soooo all over the place) Ok, so when i graduate with my bachelors, i'll be 37. Then there's 2 years of graduate school. BOOM! I'll be 39 maybe 40...depending on if the school says i need to do a post bac. Then what? If we wait to have kids until then, i'll be home with them for a good 8-10 (which is totally fine with me! I'd love to be able to do that!!) But then, ok so that'll mean i'll be 49/50 by the time i finally do something with the degree? WTF? What's the point? I mean really? To be in school debt of over 150K by the time i get a "real job" at the age of 50???!! And what on earth will i do to help support our family while i'm home with our babies? I mean, Etsy didn't do crap this year...(my own fault!!) and unless i can find something to do that's profitable at home, how will we get by with 4 people? We can't afford to put a child in day care...i mean, even if i was working. Child care is ridiculously expensive!!
Ugh. Pass the wine, and where did i put those mini snickers anyway??
Ok, so i know a lot of people who are going to read this and tell me not to worry so much. Not to obsess over any of this stuff. People who will tell me age is allllll relative. It's how young you feel. I get that. And i don't feel like i'm in my 30's until my mind starts to wander. Which, in case you have skipped over all of this, happens a LOT!!!! I'm exhausted. Ya know what would be soooo helpful? If we had won that big huge lottery the other day! Then NONE of this would be an issue. Well most of it wouldn't be anyway. Does that tell me it's all revolved around money? Or, lack there of? Maybe.
Mmmm....snickers!!
I don't know. I know this all seems SO beyond petty and stupid. I know. I keep telling myself that too. Believe me!! I know. But it doesn't make these thoughts go away. I wish it worked that way. I just feel...like life is slipping away all too quick. The older i get, the more i see that time really does just fly by!! Brooks and i celebrate our year and a half anniversary on Christmas day. I can't BELIEVE how quick it's gone by! Some days i feel like it was just yesterday that we had that long convo on the phone. And now, here we are. Poor man. I know y'all are feeling sorry for him, i'm right there with you!! I'm thankful he's my bff and he knows all this shit already. Well...most of it anyway.
For those of you who are wondering...here's 40 "symptoms" you may be having a mid-life "issue". I won't tell you what my number is on this list. I'll keep that one to myself thanks!
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/you-having-midlife-crisis-check-2020597
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