This post is very personal. And it's been a long time coming i suppose. I've wanted to say something about what's been going on, but I've waited. I waited for a couple reasons. 1) I wanted to have all the info. I didn't want to do a two or even three part post about it as i got new info. 2) I wasn't 100% i wanted to share this with the internet. But I've been thinking about this for a while now...if i share this, and a woman from...i don't know, somewhere far away, reads this and maybe it can help her get a little closer to starting a family of her own, then it was worth posting!! So for that woman somewhere in North Dakota or Iowa, or wherever i share this story for you!!
We've been dealing with a bit of fertility issues. We've been talking about having children together since we met. At least one! Last January we got our wish! I was pregnant. We were ecstatic!! There weren't possibly any happier people on the planet than us! Sure, maybe a bit nervous and slightly terrified, but that's normal when a little tiny person is on their way! We wanted to tell the whole world, but decided on only a few close people for the time being.
Sadly by the end of February, and my first prenatal appointment at 8 weeks, we had miscarried. We were devastated!! We were SO excited about the news. And to be so close to actually getting what you've been wanting for so long, to have it ripped from you so suddenly...there really aren't words to express what it felt like for us. We were a mess!! It was easily the darkest days we've ever experienced as a couple.
I stayed in my sweats for weeks. I refused to leave the apartment. I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone...i wanted to be left the hell alone. Clearly i was depressed. I turned to my new friends, Ben & Jerry. I'd meet up with them each evening after dinner...they were comforting. Brooks did too. He liked them. But sadly, those 2 weeks of meeting up with them each night, wasn't good for me. I gained about 20 pounds. Which made the depression worse.
When i would go out or to the store, or to run some errands, I'd find myself sobbing down the chip isle because i heard a baby cry from 5 isles away. I tried to shield my eyes from women with babies, or women with obvious bumps...new daddies proudly showing off their little ones to the cashier. I'd ignore all the pregnant women at my doctor's office waiting room. I tried to stay off Facebook during the day as during that time it seemed that each week someone i was friends with would post their wonderful pregnancy news. Everyone was pregnant but me.
Over the next few months we missed out on a lot of things with our friends. There was a goodbye party for some friends who were moving back to South Carolina that we were invited to during those dark days. We were planning to go. But i knew they had a small child, i think he was about 1 1/2 at the time. I burst into hysterics about an hour before we were supposed to leave. We both sat sobbing on the couch together. We just couldn't rally enough to be there, even for a few minutes. It was too much.
There were other friend functions we missed out on. A couple baby showers that we would have loved to attend, but with all that we had just lost, and been through, we weren't able to pull it together. There was a birthday party about a week and a half after we found out we miscarried that i was supposed to be at. I was trying so hard to go just for a little bit. One drink i told myself. But i couldn't do it. Sadly that friendship isn't one any longer, i suppose for a couple reasons on both sides.
Over the next few months i went through several appointments with my OBGYN to see if there was a problem. Though at that time there wasn't a reason to do anything terribly "invasive", the scan i did have didn't show anything of concern. My doc gave me her blessing and said to start trying again as soon as we were ready.
My doc is a specialist for high risk patients. I'm type 1 diabetic. And i have a thyroid disorder/disease (depending on who you talk to), so I'm not the average 35 year old woman trying to get pregnant. I've got health issues on top of my age. Therefore my window is a bit smaller than the average woman. Though my docs do say i'm in very good heath right now, so there's that!! I trust my doc wholeheartedly when she's suggested certain things. I know she knows her shit, and for that i am truly grateful!! She's not a live wire who will suggest surgery for things that aren't necessary, or put me on drugs for no reason. She is very smart, and beyond medically qualified!! She knows my medical history almost better than i do, but ask any of my friends...most don't.
A year had gone by and still nothing. I'd done it all. I'd gotten the ovulation tests, I'd changed my diet, cut out caffeine and alcohol, taken all the prenatal vitamins i could find, got Brooks on vitamins, I'd had other blood tests done, and counted the ovulation days. In October, I told Brooks that i wanted to go see my doc about it since we're both over 35 and it'd been over 6 months. We decided to wait until January. So even though he felt like it was a waste of money to go in if she said everything was 'fine', we went anyway. In my gut, i knew something wasn't right.I know my body very well...and there was something wrong.
She ran a blood panel on me, did an analysis on him, and i went in for a HSG (a dye test to look at the fallopian tubes for a blockage). My blood work came back and was normal. The analysis came back and was also normal. But my HSG showed scar tissue in my uterus. My doc said that it was more than likely why I've miscarried twice and why we haven't been able to get pregnant again. It is fixable with surgery, and most women who undergo the surgery go on to have very healthy babies.
I went in for surgery on the 23rd of April. It was fairly quick and i wasn't in the hospital overnight. It was an out-patient procedure. I had the BEST anesthesia team, and if i ever need anything else done...i'm requesting that guy again! Granted, that's easy to say when they give you drugs, but seriously...Dr. Moore was awesome!! It took a little over an hour all together. Brooks said the waiting nearly killed him. No one ever came out after the first hour to say, "Hey! It's ok...it's just taking a little longer than planned. Don't worry. It's going well!" Nothing! But, when it was finally over my doc came to talk to him.
The surgery went VERY well and my doc was very pleased with how it all went. She managed to clear out the scar tissue and even some that wasn't on the original scans. She put a "balloon" into my uterus that was filled with 3cc of saline, so that the walls wouldn't collapse onto each other and we'd have to do this again to try to fix that! I was happy with that decision. Even though that balloon was less than comfortable and it was easily the longest 10 days of my life!! On day 10 I went in for my post-op appointment and she removed the balloon. Honestly, with the tubes that were hanging out, i expected it to be BIG. It was tiny!! Like super tiny!! Maybe the size of a quarter all filled up. I felt like a total tool! Clearly i didn't realize just how small the uterus actually was. Now the process of pregnancy is even more amazing!! A woman's tubes are tiny and delicate like threads of a shirt. The uterus is so small but stretches immensely to accommodate a growing baby. Amazing!!
At the end of that appointment, my doc told me again that i just have to wait one cycle and we can try again. She is very confident that this was the issue and that having that surgery fixed it. I saw the original scans. The radiologist showed them to me the day i had the HSG test. I saw my uterus misshapen and odd looking. I've seen the scans from the surgery. The before and after of my uterus. It looked a lot like planet Venus. Kind of ironic when you think about it. And my doc said, to reassure me yet one more time, that she has had a lot of other patients who've had this surgery go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. Plural!!
Over the last year, I've heard all kinds of comments from well intending folks. And i know it comes from a place of love. But now that i know what the problem is, I'm pissed i didn't go in sooner!! I listened when people said to "relax", "it'll happen when it happens", and "maybe this is God's way of saying it's not time yet" or "Well if it's meant to be it'll be but there's really nothing you can do about it". Just STOP!!
Here's the thing, unless you have actually walked a mile in someone's shoes, you don't know what this is like! And all the well intended comments don't actually help!! It does nothing but cause the anguish and frustration to be even more apparent. So please, before you make one of those comments, read this list. It's not too long. Just for god sake...know your freakin audience!!
My list of the worst things you can say to a couple struggling to get pregnant, and suggestions on what to say instead:
"You can always do IVF."
Do you have ANY idea how much IVF costs?! It's crazy expensive!! ONE treatment (which is one cycle...for ONE month) can cost anywhere from $12,000 - $25,000. For ONE cycle!!!
"You need to relax. All that stressing is causing your infertility."
This is a big fat myth!! Sadly even docs repeat it!! There are studies out there about this. Everyday stress doesn't have a negative affect on fertility! If it was true, the population of the planet would be MUCH less!! Think about it.
"Maybe you're not meant to be parents."
This is probably one of the meanest things you can say to another human being!! Who made you God anyway? No one knows why bad things happen to good people. So don't pretend to.
"But you're so young! You have plenty of time to get pregnant."
This is also total BS. Yes, age CAN have an affect on fertility, but there are tons of 20-somethings who also struggle with infertility. And there are several things that worsen with time. Like endometriosis for example.
"So, whose fault is it? His or hers?"
DO NOT BLAME!!!! Rude much?! Just because someone tells you about their fertility troubles, doesn't give you any right to ask this detail of them!! It's painful for many people to talk about, and telling people that they are struggling is hard enough!!
"It could be worse. It could be cancer."
Just don't!! Who made you the compassion police anyway?
"Whatever you do, don't give up. It'll happen!"
While this may seem reassuring to say, it gives false hope. It also translates from "Don't give up" to "Stop complaining!! It's not a big deal anyway" when it's said.
"I can’t imagine what you’re going through."
This is just lame! When said, you are distancing yourself from the other person. Basically saying that you "Don't want to imagine what they are going through and are going to distance yourself from that person and this experience".
"You're crazy to want children!"
I know a lot of folks who don't want children. That's for every couple to decide on their own. It's a personal choice. And that's totally fine!! I always say that that's a great thing to know about yourself!! BUT, just because you don't want, or ever wanted kids, doesn't mean everyone else shares your choice on the matter. And just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean you are right! It's for them to decide. Be supportive. Be a friend. Don't be an ass.
"Things happen for a reason."
Oh one of the WORST!!! Ugh. This just makes the person feel worse. Suggesting that it's part of "destiny" or the "grand plan" will only reinforce the negative feelings they already have.
"Well obviously you're not pregnant yet, since you're (insert drink, cigarette, eating sushi or drinking caffinated beverage here)."
For the love of all things in the universe...DON'T SAY THIS!!! EVER!!! To anyone for that matter!! Who are you? The things police?! UGH!!!
Things to say instead:
- Tell them you care. Often couples who go through a miscarriage or find out they are infertile will grieve like someone who has lost a loved one. Be there for them in the same way you would a grieving friend.
- "Do you want to talk about _____?" This shows your friend you are supportive. Research the things they are going through without making any assumptions. It shows your friend that you are invested in what's going on in their life.
- "I'm always here if you want to talk" and mean it!! Be there for your friend! Put yourself in their shoes. If you were going though something very difficult, wouldn't you want your friend to be there for you?
- "You're braver than you realize". Going through infertility is scary!! And there is a lot of unknowns, and things to be afraid of. Saying this to your friend will help them see that you are in their corner and supportive of what they are going through.
- "How are you doing?" This is just kindness at it's best! Ask this, and truly want to know the answer. Listen when they tell you how they are.
There ya go. Now you've got some ideas.
For us, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. My doc did a surgery, and I've healed. And that should fix the issue, and hopefully we'll be on our way to starting a family together soon. But for SO many women out there, there is no easy button!! (Isn't it odd to put surgery in the easy category?) And for a lot of women doing daily injections of hormones, pills, IVF, or IUI's and they still don't get a baby, is incredibly unfair!! So the next time you hear a co-worker or a woman in line at the grocery store, or at your docs office, talk about how hard it's been for her to get pregnant, don't say things without thinking!!
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