Dear Grams...

Dear Grams,

I miss you so much!! I miss you more than i've ever missed you, which is saying a lot!! After 15 years, you would think that i'd get over this. I'd let it go. It wouldn't hurt so much. And I wouldn't feel such remorse, or sadness...or guilt.

Christmas hasn't been the same without you over these years. And lord knows we've had a great many holidays as a family; a lot of smiles and laughs, but the ache in my heart is always present and it's all i can do to get through the holiday festivities with a smile on my face and not burst into tears on a daily basis.

I tried making your cookies last weekend. I wound up a hysterical mess in the bathroom after i threw pans and the stupid cookie press into the trash. I just missed you so much and all i wanted was to see your face one more time in the kitchen over the bowl of dough helping me make them, or at the kitchen table with your cup of coffee. They turned out terribly, which made me miss you even more.

I've been listening to a lot of carols over the last few weeks, trying and grasping at thin straws to stay merry and cheerful through the season, and remind myself of how things were when you were still with us. There are so many that make me think of you. 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' always makes me think of you dancing and i smile.

I started making short bread cookies this afternoon. Again, grasping at the thin straws and trying so desperately to make some kind of cookie that taste as good as yours did. They aren't your recipes and will never quite be the same, but i'm trying. I'm going to make your "Christmas coffee cake" in the morning. I found a recipe online that i think is similar, so we'll see how they turn out. Crossing fingers!!

I think after i bake, i'm gonna watch that Christmas movie you liked...White Christmas. I've never seen it, and i keep hearing it's a classic. May watch a few others too...get the cheer going. ;)

I thank my lucky stars everyday that you were such a big part of my life growing up!! You truly knew EVERYTHING about me. I was never scared to tell you anything, just scared I'd disappoint you. I wish you were here. I wish Brooks had been able to meet you. I know you'd like him!! I really think you had something to do with me finding him, which gives me some peace on the matter. And i know you are still with me in spirit. So i try to remember that and not cry when i miss you so much.

I don't want to bum you out, and i'm hoping this letter doesn't. It was really just me wanting to wish you a Merry Christmas and send a hug to you and my sweet sister Kim. I love you both more than words can ever express, and i miss you both terribly. Enjoy the season, (if y'all celebrate things up there) know you have family down here thinking of you. I love you.

Happy holidays Grams!!

Kids at Heart

Well i guess a good part about being on "vacation" from school is that i blog more than normal. Wait. Is that a good thing? Anyway...

I have an advent calendar that my mom bought me when i was young. She gave it to me when my son was little so that i could continue the tradition. Well with him being 15, and across the country, he doesn't partake any longer. But i continue to hang it. This year it's on the back of the bathroom door. It was the only place in the apartment where it wouldn't drag on the floor and where I'd actually move the mouse.

When i was little, my mom would wrap little things to put into the pockets. Not everyday, but for a good many. Sometimes it was a chap-stick (i had an obsession with Lipsmackers when i was a kid...hmm...do they still make the strawberry? I must investigate!), a piece of candy, or a small toy. It was always the Mouses' doing. Not my mom. He was in a way, a bit like the Elf on the Shelf is today. Except he'd leave presents, not messes (i really want an Elf!).

I noticed the other day that Brooks has been moving the mouse from pocket to pocket when he gets up. He really is so much like an over-sized child!! Which is just one of the things i love most about him!! For real!! I'm a bit of a kid myself, and why the hell not? I truly don't believe that there is ANYTHING wrong with enjoying things as children do!! Their innocence and sweetness in learning about their big world, is one of the best things about kids!! I've been scorned for acting like a kid before...in past relationships. But i won't apologize for it! Nope! F-that!! I get excited about stuff; Christmas lights, funny toys, polar bear stockings, candy, surprises, a hand-made gift from someone, birthdays, holidays, sparklers, the beach, going somewhere new, camping trips, parks with swings i can fit into, trips back home, toy stores, Lego's, the Disney Store...etc. I love that Brooks appreciates things like i do.

The other day we were in Hobby Lobby and he told me to pick out a stocking that i wanted to have for the next 50 years. Well stockings nowadays won't last that long, but his point was that he still uses the one his grandmother needle-pointed for him as a baby. 34 years ago. Can't blame him there. So he wanted me to have one that i loved as much. I had a snowman one in my hand (which ultimately won out over the rest and is now hanging next to his on our book shelf) and was looking at the others that hung in the isle. I saw a blue one with a polar bear on it. I literally shrieked like a little girl, "OMG!! LOOK AT THE POLAR BEAR!!!!" He started laughing and said how cute i was to be so excited about a stocking.

Kids keep people young at heart. Life is too damn problematic and real and just a pain in the ass to be SO serious ALL the time!! I don't have the ability to be around people like that. Ones who are so serious, negative, pessimistic and just nasty all the time...nope. Not at all. If it's one of these things and not the rest, then i can deal with them in small doses, but if they have all of these qualities...forget it!! To each his own i always say, but i just don't understand the negativity and hatred for everything! Why can't people find something, just one tiny thing in this wonderful world to enjoy each day?

I love the meme that's going around right now about looking up into the sky for just a moment each day and realize how incredible life is!! I try to do that at least once a day. Just to take a small moment and be...blissful. Even when shit hits the fan. We are such tiny things in the universe and it's all so amazing. *sigh*

I dunno. Glad i'm not them i guess. But it makes me sad for people like that.

Back to my point...i put a present in the pouch for today. It was a pack of gum. Nothing big, but still sweet anyway. It was wrapped and tied with a ribbon and clipped to the pouch. The mouse delivered to Brooks. If nothing else, then to help him see how it works before we have kids.

Last night when we were awoken by the massive cockroach that was nibbling my hand in the middle of the night, in our BED (i tell ya...i may totally loose it if this ever happens again!! A blog for another day though), and we got up because neither of us could sleep after that, and watched Jackass the Movie (*sigh*), Brooks saw the present and said, "What's the deal with that thing that's in the pocket of the calendar anyway?" I had turned into Samuel L. Jackson by that point due to the shock of being awoken by an enormous insect at 2 am, and said something like, "It's how it works dammit! That's what's supposed to happen! He brings you stuff and leaves it in the F-in pockets! Didn't you ever have an f-ing advent calendar when you were a kid? I mean come on!!" Oh boy. Well it's almost 2 in the afternoon and he STILL hasn't opened it. I kinda want to throw it at him and say, "HERE!! THIS IS FROM THE MOUSE!!!" Lol. I won't though. He clearly doesn't get it yet. That's ok. He'll learn, one holiday season at a time.

Saucy sauce recipe

I love to cook. Like for REAL!! And i'm a damn good cook too, if i do say so myself. But i RARELY share any of my recipes. And when i actually give someone a recipe, it's usually the basic of whatever recipe it is, mainly because if they mess it up, they'll blame ME, and because i never measure anything and i cook by taste...(which is why i hate baking!! Not much room to be original. So frustrated on the cookie-baking front this year. I won't go there though), and i tend to change stuff each time i make something. And I guess for the simple fact..they're mine and i want to hoard the good ones and keep them quiet. Some of them, Brooks doesn't even know how i make them. And i was always good with that. There's something fun about secret family recipes. Well, kinda. But then last night i blogged about my mid-life crisis. I said that life just seems to be slipping by at a rapid rate. Ok, so maybe those weren't the exact words i used, but it was the gist.

Today i started making my bolognese sauce for dinner. It's now after 5pm. I started said sauce over 5 hours ago and it'll take another 2 before we can eat. It takes a massive chunk of time to make it, but maaaan it's amazing (Your house will smell AMA-ZING!!!)!!! And i got to thinking..."why not share it?" I mean really, why not?! I've made it for friends, and put it into my lasagna (which i have specifics on that one too...perhaps another day i'll share that one) and spent HOURS on it. Like i said...takes some serious time, but it's SOOOO worth every freakin second!!! And it's really not difficult. Just time consuming. It's good for a Sunday dinner with family, or on your day off. It's NOT, i repeat NOT a recipe you can make quickly or rush through!! TRUST ME!! I tried once. It was terrible. Oh, and if you don't have a mass amount of people coming over for this...like at least 10 people, cut this recipe in half. Or you can freeze what's leftover. I'll use the left over for lasagna at some point, maybe next week. It makes a shit ton of sauce!!!!

So. Having said that...here it is....

Bolognese Sauce, adapted from Anne Burrell

Ingredients

1 large onion or 2 small, cut into quarters (chunks)
2 large carrots
3 ribs celery
4 cloves garlic
Extra-virgin olive oil, for the pan
Kosher salt (I use sea salt)
3 pounds ground chuck, brisket or round or combination
2 cups tomato paste (I don't measure this one out, as there's always some paste stuck to the can. I use what i can out of the big 12oz can and most of a second 12 oz can)
3 cups hearty red wine (i am not a Cabernet fan, but i find the cheapest cab. i can find and it works amazingly well)
Water
3 bay leaves
1 bunch thyme, tied in a bundle (I didn't have a bundle of thyme today, so i tossed in a couple handfuls of dried. Tastes the same)
1 pound spaghetti
1/2 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano (or parm...whatever grated cheese you have or like)
High quality extra-virgin olive oil, for finishing

Directions

In a food processor, puree onion, carrots, celery, and garlic into a coarse paste. In a large pan (i use a big stock pot as this recipe makes a LOT of sauce!!!! This way it's one pan clean-up!) over medium heat, coat pan with oil. Add the pureed veggies and season generously with salt. Bring the pan to a medium-high heat and cook until all the water has evaporated and they become nice and brown, stirring frequently, about 15 to 20 minutes. Be patient, this is where the big flavors develop. (This is the worst part, i think, of this recipe. Turn your back once the heat is up, and you'll burn the veggies. Patience is key with this recipe. And i've made this with a grater to grate the veggies...i recommend a food processor if you have one or if you can borrow one. It'll make the process of all this SOOO much easier!! But if you don't, finely dice the onion, grate the celery and carrot, and finely mince the garlic.)

Add the ground beef and season again generously with salt. BROWN THE BEEF! Brown food tastes good. Don't rush this step. Cook another 15 to 20 minutes. (She doesn't say to drain the beef...but i suppose you can. I normally don't. I felt that the meat-grease added to the flavor in my opinion, but let me tell you...if you don't, your tummy may not like you and you'll need a bucket of Tums to help. Just sayin)

Add the tomato paste and cook until brown about 4 to 5 minutes. Add the red wine. Cook until the wine has reduced by half, another 4 to 5 minutes. (This step means to reduce the wine IN the pan! Apparently. Not to reduce the wine IN your own body. No fun i tell ya!! Oh, btw...3 cups of wine is almost an entire bottle. Just an fyi if you don't actually measure like me ;). Today when i made this, it took a good 20 minutes for the wine to reduce. Just be patient)

Add water to the pan until the water is about 1 inch above the meat. Toss in the bay leaves and the bundle of thyme and stir to combine everything. Bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer, stirring occasionally. As the water evaporates you will gradually need to add more, about 2 to 3 cups at a time. Don't be shy about adding water during the cooking process, you can always cook it out. This is a game of reduce and add more water. This is where big rich flavors develop. If you try to add all the water in the beginning you will have boiled meat sauce rather than a rich, thick meaty sauce. Stir and TASTE frequently. Season with salt, if needed (you probably will). Simmer for 3 1/2 to 4 hours.

During the last 30 minutes of cooking, bring a large pot of water to a boil over high heat to cook the spaghetti. Pasta water should ALWAYS be well salted. Salty as the ocean! TASTE IT! If your pasta water is under seasoned it doesn't matter how good your sauce is, your complete dish will always taste under seasoned. When the water is at a rolling boil add the spaghetti and cook for 1 minute less than it calls for on the package. Reserve 1/2 cup of the pasta cooking water.

While the pasta is cooking remove 1/2 of the ragu from the pot and reserve. 

***I don't put the pasta and ALL the sauce together! I actually remove a good portion of the sauce and freeze it for another day. ***

Drain the pasta and add to the pot with the remaining ragu. Stir or toss the pasta to coat with the sauce. Add some of the reserved sauce, if needed, to make it about an even ratio between pasta and sauce. Add the reserved pasta cooking water and cook the pasta and sauce together over a medium heat until the water has reduced. Turn off the heat and give a big sprinkle of Parmigiano and a generous drizzle of the high quality finishing olive oil. (I don't do this part) Toss or stir vigorously.  Divide the pasta and sauce into serving bowls or 1 big pasta bowl. Top with remaining grated Parmigiano. Serve immediately.

"What is the hatter with me? Have i gone mad?" ~ Lewis Carroll

I've got 5 more months until i hit, what some consider...mid life. 35. Ok, stop laughing. I've heard people say mid life is 35. Is that true? Or is it in the 40's people feel this way? I dunno. I don't think i care. What i do know is that i seem to be going through some sort of mid-life... thing. Perhaps it's early. Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me i'm only going to live until i'm 70. Sorry to be so dark. But as a type 1 diabetic, ya think about these things quite often and more often than not, you hear some doctor saying something about how long you won't live. Nice.

Well anyway, lately i can't seem to focus. On anything!! It's like a sudden onset of ADD. It's a bit unsettling. I go from one thing to another in a literal moments notice, and without a second glance. Like the other day, i was cleaning the kitchen. I was sweeping. Next thing i know, i'm sitting on the floor in the living room, rummaging through the DVD's (took them out of the cabinets and made a bunch of small piles all over the floor!! Wtf is that?! The house needed to be cleaned!! HELLO!) And all the while, there is a pile of dust bunnies on the kitchen floor with the broom in the corner, a bag of trash sitting by the door to take out and the fridge wide open, waiting for me to finish cleaning it out. I know this sounds silly...but there have been a good many other instances like this. For weeeeeeeks on end!! I've always been a bit flighty, but it's just gotten so much worse in recent weeks. Y'all should have seen how long it took me to package 4 small boxes of a few Christmas items for my family back home!! DAYS!!!! Like seriously. MULTIPLE. DAYS!!!!

I keep telling Brooks that i'm thinking of cutting my hair again. I'm on the fence. Where a few weeks ago...i was alllll about it!! As i've always stated...it's just hair! It'll grow back!! And hair should be fun! But now to think about it seriously, with the phone in my hand to call Adam for an appointment, freaks me out to the point i start to cry. And i miss my short hair!! A LOT (I won't go into how much i hate my long hair right now. That rant is for another blog post)!!

It may not help that i have a LLLOOOOOTTTTT of friends right now having babies. The last 5 days alone, i counted 7 new babies, and have seen 2 other bundles in person!! I was lucky that i didn't burst into uterus hysteria when i got to hold one of my friends lil guys the other day!! With each pic i see on FB of the newest addition to a friends' family, i cry. Like full on, hysterical tears (and no. It's not because i'm PMSing thanks. I'm beyond tired of people blaming THAT for everything i experience, i could scream!! It's SO much worse then btw!!) I keep hearing the clock ticking. I'll be 35 in May!! It's not about my age in relation to having a child. It's being a 35 year old DIABETIC having a child/children!! Even though my doc may be giving us the green light on the baby carrying front next month, once we recheck my blood work, it still sits in the back of my mind it is really hard on a diabetic to have children the older they get. TICK TICK TICK!!!! And we aren't married yet! We aren't "officially" engaged yet. So it could be another 2-3 years (weddings take time to plan ya know!!), before we are set for starting a family. I'm ok to have kids before we get married, and as much as Brooks wants kids, i know for certain he won't care when, but as i said, the clock is ticking, but ya know...people tend to really frown on that. UGH!! WHY do i care what "PEOPLE" think anyway?! It's 2013 for crying out loud!! SEE!? This is what i'm talking about! I can't even blog with a solid thought.

And then there's the society crap that everyone just loooves. You know what i'm talking about. The things you're "supposed" to do/have done in your 30's. And me not being anywhere close to any of them. I mean, i'm a student again for crying out loud!! And i know i shouldn't worry about what society or anyone else thinks, or tells me what i "should" be doing with my own life. But having grown up hearing it, it's hard to make it go away.

Then I got to thinking about school the other day too!! (Like i said...it's moment to moment...very flighty and soooo all over the place) Ok, so when i graduate with my bachelors, i'll be 37. Then there's 2 years of graduate school. BOOM! I'll be 39 maybe 40...depending on if the school says i need to do a post bac. Then what? If we wait to have kids until then, i'll be home with them for a good 8-10 (which is totally fine with me! I'd love to be able to do that!!) But then, ok so that'll mean i'll be 49/50 by the time i finally do something with the degree? WTF? What's the point? I mean really? To be in school debt of over 150K by the time i get a "real job" at the age of 50???!! And what on earth will i do to help support our family while i'm home with our babies? I mean, Etsy didn't do crap this year...(my own fault!!) and unless i can find something to do that's profitable at home, how will we get by with 4 people? We can't afford to put a child in day care...i mean, even if i was working. Child care is ridiculously expensive!!

Ugh. Pass the wine, and where did i put those mini snickers anyway??


Ok, so i know a lot of people who are going to read this and tell me not to worry so much. Not to obsess over any of this stuff. People who will tell me age is allllll relative. It's how young you feel. I get that. And i don't feel like i'm in my 30's until my mind starts to wander. Which, in case you have skipped over all of this, happens a LOT!!!! I'm exhausted. Ya know what would be soooo helpful? If we had won that big huge lottery the other day! Then NONE of this would be an issue. Well most of it wouldn't be anyway. Does that tell me it's all revolved around money? Or, lack there of? Maybe.

Mmmm....snickers!!

I don't know. I know this all seems SO beyond petty and stupid. I know. I keep telling myself that too. Believe me!! I know. But it doesn't make these thoughts go away. I wish it worked that way. I just feel...like life is slipping away all too quick. The older i get, the more i see that time really does just fly by!! Brooks and i celebrate our year and a half anniversary on Christmas day. I can't BELIEVE how quick it's gone by! Some days i feel like it was just yesterday that we had that long convo on the phone. And now, here we are. Poor man. I know y'all are feeling sorry for him, i'm right there with you!! I'm thankful he's my bff and he knows all this shit already. Well...most of it anyway. 

For those of you who are wondering...here's 40 "symptoms" you may be having a mid-life "issue". I won't tell you what my number is on this list. I'll keep that one to myself thanks!
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/you-having-midlife-crisis-check-2020597

Ring...a ding, ding!!

We were out with some friends a few weeks ago, having a few drinks and we got to chatting later, after everyone else had gone, with my adoptive father Paul. Brooks and i had already had several conversations about who would give me away when we get married. It's in the works...and i'll get to the specifics in a minute. But i had always suggested that I ask Paul to do the honors. For one, i never knew my real dad. Another blog for another day on that POS, but anyway...after i'd been in the Boro about a year or so, when i met Paul. He's literally like the father i never had. And he was a BIG reason i even met Brooks in the first place, so it's more than fitting. Anyway, we were outside smoking and finishing our beverages when it came up. Brooks told him, "oh yes! We'd like you to do that honor!" Paul seemed dumbfounded for a moment, looked at me, (kind of like..."What the hell is he talkin' about?) and i said, "We've been talking about it, and though we aren't "officially" engaged, i can't imagine anyone else giving me away but you". We never got the answer, beyond teary eyes, but I'll take that as a yes. ;)

The other day we were watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix (it's my new thing!!) and i had decorated (with the exception of the tree) the apartment in Christmas decor. Last year i started making coasters for us. I made several with Christmas stuffs on them. Brooks started to talk about how great they were. Even with 2 beers in me, it was enough to move me to tears. Yes, i cried over the stupid coasters. It wasn't so much them, as it was HIM!!! I've been through some crap in my life, and some not-so-great relationships and definitely NOT such relationships that the other person was SO freakin supportive of MY art!! He went on and on about how much he loved those coasters that i made last Christmas. I welled up. I told him that i know i bitch about the dishes that I ALWAYS have to do, and how he won't even put his dirty laundry in the basket, but i love him so much, that there are times it's almost debilitating!! He is my world!!

I always had a vision of who i wanted to spend my life with. Someone who cared about me, who was supportive of my dreams, goals and aspirations...no matter how farfetched or idiotic they may seem, someone who loved me for who i was...not for who i "could" be. I wanted someone who made me laugh, who appreciated the little things in life, who not only "said" he loved me, but actually SHOWED it!!! Someone who was there for me in the great, good, bad and ugly times. Who wouldn't be scared to tell me how he felt...or who went running when shit hit the fan! I had enough of all that crap! Enough to sink the fucking Titanic!!

I had made a list a long while ago, after the advise of a co-worker who said, "Put everything you want in another person in a list. Say it out loud! Put it out in the universe!!" I thought this girl had lost her damn mind, but i went home that night and made my list. And then i read it aloud. It took me 4 years, numerous bad relationships...including 2 ex-felons, 1 alcoholic and 1 coke-head to finally find the man of my dreams.

Took me long enough to find him, but Brooks is SOOOOOOO that man!!! There are times, when i watch too many dramas on TV, and i put myself in the shoes of some woman and i loose my shit. I really can't, nor do i want to, imagine my life without him!!! I have found myself a few times, sitting on the porch at 1 in the morning, long after he's gone to bed, after watching some stupid movie, sobbing because i just can't bare the thought of ever loosing him!! We've both said, we want to be one of those old couples who die hours apart, because of a broken heart. He's my rock. My shoulder. My smile. My reason for being. My umbrella. My equal. My love. My best friend. My better half! He is my everything!!

I learned a long time ago, how to survive as a single woman. I can camp and start my own fire. I can go back to school. I can pay my bills. I can cook. I can fix my own toilet by my damn self, thank you very much!! I can buy and sell a vehicle. I can move across town or across country alone. I can stand on my own and very capable two feet and do not 'need' a man to do shit for me!! I'm not a dependent person! But the idea of not having this amazing person in my life...well it makes me want to vomit and crawl into the corner of our living room. I'm not sure what the hell i would do without him!! I want to live my life with him. Stand beside him and support him. I want to marry him and have children with him. I want to build a long and happy life together, and walk down this long road together. Hand in hand.

We bought the first of the wedding rings tonight. We are not "officially engaged" yet. But it's coming. I knew it after the first phone call we had. But that's for another blog post....anyway...Brooks came across some guys wedding bands online. They were having a freakin DEAL and a HALF!!! He showed the list of them to me, along with his fav, and i said, "Buy it!!" He looked at me funny at first, and then asked how to find his ring size without one of those jewelers tools. We figured it out and he bought it!!

All this time, i've been looking for unique rings for men. I found one that had dinosaur bone in it!! HOW FREAKIN COOL IS THAT?! Well...his ring won't have dinosaur bone in it. I told him about that before he bought the ring...i'm not sure it went over too well. I think he was weirded out. Or terrified of how much THAT would cost (it actually wasn't too far out there). Haha! 

When i think about walking down the isle to him, i cry. When i think of what vows i will say to him (if we do our own) i cry. When i think of Paul walking me down the isle, i cry. When i imagine that day, i cry (Jeez!! One would think i'm PMSing or something!!). But they are ALL the happiest of tears!! I'm very excited and elated about it all!!!

We've talked about marriage in some detail. He has said, and remains VERY stubborn about it, that he doesn't want to ask me to marry him until he has the ring of my dreams in his hand. And he also says, quite a lot actually, that if he had been in a position of not being unemployed at the time, he would have asked me within the first few months of us dating. I've said a few times, we could do the engagement thing without rings. But he is sooooo persistent on buying me a ring that i will "LOVE" and that i "deserve", it's hard to argue. And believe it or not, I've tried!! I even said, that if his grandmother would be willing to let go of the ring his grandfather gave her (which, i don't think would happen...he was the absolute love of her life and i can't blame her there!!!), i would be honored to wear it!!  But he has a plan and like me, is very stubborn about things once they are in his head of how they "should" be. Lol!! We are such peas in a pod!!

There is a quote that i just love, i think it's by far my most favorite. It says, "Love is just a word until you find someone who gives it a definition".  It's very true. Brooks is my definition!

Crash & Burn

As the end of the fall semester is coming to a close...as of tomorrow...WHOOOHOOO!!!!

I failed my geology class. This much i do know. I am not a sciency person. There is a reason i am not a science major. I enjoyed biology, and liked science back in middle school, but that's it. I am not so much a fan of memorizing facts and crap anymore. I've got more important stuff to try to log into my memory bank now. And Newton's Law isn't one of them. Sooooo....i have to take another science class before i graduate. *Sigh* In a way, not graduating until Fall of 2016 is a good thing in this sense. I've got time.

The semester was fun. I met a lot of really cool new people. Some amazing artists, that i am now lucky enough to call friends, and watched as chaos ensued around me, damn near on a daily basis. It was always something. From Slippy falling into the slip contraption and our dear professor having to (literally!) hose her off, to a puff of smoke coming out of the furnace and the entire building loosing power....we had some interesting days.

A scholarship to Penland School of Crafts was one of the more stressful events. As of today, i know of three people to apply. Myself being one of them. Penland is a national center for craft education in the Blue Ridge mountains, up near Boone NC. Through them and UNCG, they send one art student to Penland for 2 weeks in the summer. All expenses paid and the lucky student gets to study for the 2 weeks, under an artist of their choosing. My friend Kathy went last year and said it was an incredible experience!! The way it's always worked in years prior, was that our ceramics professor would pick someone. End of story. This year, the guy in the big office upstairs decided to open it up to the entire art department and make us battle it out. Make it competitive since we will be competing for the rest of our existence for shows and openings. Which to me is allllll the more reason to not make it competitive!! We already look at every artist in the building as competition. So we were told to send 3-5 images (i sent 4) along with a letter of intent. Why we wanted to go to Penland. I started my letter 2 months prior, (thankfully i had the foresight to do so) so it went fairly easy for me. But as the due date got closer, and with me spending much of this semester sick with something, i lost a lot of working time. I didn't feel good about the work i was submitting from this semester. I had one piece that is in progress and the other one i wasn't too pleased with the glazing, and it's just not a strong piece. But it is what it is, and i photographed them and sent them along with my "please pick me" letter. We find out next week (i think) who the lucky student is. Sitting on pins and needles until then!

Tomorrow marks my last final before break for 6 weeks. Maybe just 5? I don't know...don't care. It's a long and much needed break!! So during that time my plan is to clean, and organize our apartment, get holiday decor up and spend some time in the studio doing what i want. Next semester will be here before i know it, so I'm gonna enjoy the break doing what i want!!

This semester i had a class that was an intro to sculpture essentially. The professor was, at the beginning of the semester, a god among men. He was like a rock star who taught art classes. He has work, and when i say "work" it's really MASSIVE sculptures all over the world! He's quite revered apparently. So i thought. By now the real "man behind the curtain" has shown himself and there is a small group of us who call him the "emperor". He constantly hit his students where it hurt most. At their talent. It wasn't enough to bitch at us during a critique or tell us the work we put in on the assignments of his wasn't good enough for the real world, but would find us outside of class working on other stuff for other professors' classes and tell us it was "shit". Yesterday i had my last crit in his class. I totally expected him to rip me a new one and tell me it was utter shit and i needed to quit school and go work at McDonald's. He's said as much over the course of the last 15 weeks, so i was ready to let it roll off my back as best i could. I think hell froze over a bit yesterday though!!

I was about the 4th or 5th person who's work we discussed yesterday morning. I still had an almost full cup of coffee, so i know it wasn't much past 9am. He came over to the table i had it sitting on and said something to the effects of "This is fantastic! Look at the detail of this! Look at the time you put into it! And more importantly, you put part of yourself in it, and i can see that!" W. T. F?!  If he had exhaled in my direction, i think i would have fallen over! I was dumbfounded!! WHAT?! WHO WAS THIS MAN?! Was he just in a good mood, or had he really thought that? I was really quite speechless and didn't know what on earth to say. So i just muttered what sounded like 'thank you' and nodded my head. It damn near moved me to tears though. I won't lie. This has been a very rough semester artistically for me. And I'm still struggling to find my niche. So this was really, for me, the best i could have asked for in regards to him.

The assignment was to take a piece of music; a lyric, song, album, artist, etc., and build a sculpture out of recycled materials that read as the music in some way. I chose Ralph Roddenberry's, 'She Gets There'. I think if there was some TV movie about me, this song would very much be the soundtrack of my life!! For those of you who haven't heard of him, do yourself a favor and GO LOOK HIM UP!! Here, I'll help you. Here's a link to his Reverbnation site with his tunes...http://www.reverbnation.com/ralphroddenbery/song/1493153-she-gets-there

Anyway, so i chose to base it on the line "She packed her things and spread her wings" and built a "suitcase" with a bird coming out of it. And made it out of strips of magazines that were quilled and glued...that curling paper technique. Talk about a PAIN IN THE ASS!!!! I struggled with this one i think the most of all the projects of the semester. Even my 4ft sculpture of the Flecktones was easier than this! Plus it was so small. I'm not used to working small. Shocking i know!! But because the song is so close to my heart, it really showed in the care and time in the details i put into it. I wish i had a pic of it...i'll post one as soon as i pick it up this weekend.

Ceramics this semester went ok. I was literally sick most of the semester with something!! So i missed a lot of working time and because clay is so time sensitive, some things worked, and some didn't. During the first crit we had in class, i told the class i didn't know what i was doing, put my work, abilities and talent down, and basically tore apart my own sculpture. I got a phone call about it the next evening while i was working in the studio on the second piece. I won't mention names to protect my person, but person told me they were worried about me as an artist. The conversation went on, but those first few minutes of person reaching out like that, moved me to tears!! I was so touched. And person was right! I needed to not shoot myself in the foot and get behind myself for support and believe in myself more. I needed to take credit where it was due and be gracious, not shake it off and speak on the contrary. Not everyone is an artist. And not every artist works the same. I had abilities and things i could be proud of and work to get better at. Am i perfect? Hell no! But that doesn't mean my work is total crap!! So, now i try to keep all that in mind. Person's voice is constantly in my head as i work, and i will forever be indebted to person for that.


This is my Flecktones piece. It's based on Bela Fleck and the Flecktones. Haven't heard of them? Here's a link to my fav...http://youtu.be/vPT3CGe4FS0 . I saw them in concert at Shakori a few years ago and it literally changed my life!! I was in a really dark place for a long time before going on this camping trip and this was sort of an awakening for me. But i digress...a story for another blog. (Good lord this one is long!! Sorry!!!)

It stands an inch shy of 4 ft before it was fired. By far, this is my most favorite!! The instruments are damn near to scale! And the flowers, are pretty great too!

When i built it, i built it on a kiln shelf so it'd be a bit easier to fire. Well that was the plan anyway. The day we moved it, the shelf broke under it as we were lifting it!! OMG!!!! Damn near lost the whole thing to the floor during the ceramics 1 class. Thankfully one of the students in there was standing at the end of the table and watching this, so we both grabbed for the piece, i grabbed part of the very heavy shelf that was about to bust to tiny pieces on the floor, or take out a toe, and we managed to save it. Cat like reflexes i tell ya!! And thankfully it's pretty light considering it's massive size! And yes, this piece is hollow!! Making things thick and solid is just a way to make a kiln bomb. No thanks!!

During the entire process of building this one, i had SO many people come over to me while i was working and say things like, "That's really big!" or "Why can't you make anything small?" or my personal fav, "Where in the heck are you gonna put that thing when you're done?" With each comment, I'd get a little closer to throwing a wad of clay at the person, but I'd try really hard to take a breath and respond with, "Yea i know", "Go big or go home!" or "Worrying about that hinders the creative process". I really have very little patience for ignorant people, and truly feel that when people comment in a negative way on someones art work, it's from ignorance. Negative comments aren't always constructive criticism, sometimes they're just mean.

This piece is still unfinished. I'm getting closer though, so within the next few weeks running test tiles will be my focus and finding a way to finish this.

I did a series of heads as well. It was really a work of exploration and i gave them a purpose. They were what I've titled, "Finding beautify in negative space". They aren't pretty by any means. So i added a small flower to each one as the beauty. I really just wanted to play and see what happened. I didn't want them to be pretty or with a "finished" sense to them. I wanted them to catch a viewer off guard. The glazing is where they kinda went to crap. That's where i tend to lose my work. Or i don't like my work after it's finished. Which is why Flecktones is still sitting unfinished. I'm terrified to make a mistake with this one and ruin the whole thing. 4 feet of hideous glazing is a big mistake and not something i want to look at in my house.

"Finding Beauty in Negative Space"

This is the first bust. The unfinished one. Top of the "head". I used the bust as a base for the abstract that followed. It was about us moving from the country back to the city. I really love this one and am excited for it to be finished! It's sitting in my professors office taking up the limited space in there. Still trying to find a nice white glaze that i like. No luck so far though.





Here's the back. These photos aren't even of the finished piece now that i look a bit more closely at them. Ahh well. That's ok. Ya get the gist.








This is the other large bust, the second one i started at the same time i was working on Flecktones and trying to do both. But i kinda lost interest once i had the base for this one. It was over 4 ft. in height and so i tried several times to rework it. But i never wrote any of the ideas down and then would start again, trying to pull it together. The sad part was that it was well over 100 pounds of clay that i recycled. The only part i saved was a few of the fishy faces i had on the side and a cool boot with flowers. That sit, say it with me...unfinished. Lol!!

It was actually really sort of healing to cut this big monstrosity apart!! It felt very freeing and relaxing.

Ok, so i know this blog is like a mile freakin long, and quite honestly...i doubt anyone really cares to read this whole thing...it was really me just purging out some of the stuff that's been in my head and needed to get it off my chest. But one more thing...

Chubby caterpillar!!!! 

I made this caterpillar for my niece for Christmas. I'm currently in the process of glazing it. Shocking! Something that I've actually finished!! His head comes off and he's actually a pot. So he's functional and not just some dust collecting sculpture. And he's sort of an inside joke between the two of us, but he's the cutest thing I've ever made!! I really love him and kinda want to keep him myself!  

I love his face!! I keep being told he looks like
the caterpillar from Bug's Life, but that was
NEVER the intent!! Please don't sue me Disney!

He has 3 pair of what will be red Chuck Taylor's!

Ok. I'm done now. :)

Paris, Barcelona, London...North Carolina

I was awake at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. Not because i wasn't tired, or because Brooks snores, but because he never wants to leave North Carolina!

Ok, so i know it doesn't sound THAT bad, but hear me out. I mean, you're reading this anyway right? At least hear my point.

Yesterday i went into the studio and ran into one of the studio professors, Andy. We got to chatting for a few minutes as we finally made introductions and he asked me about my plans for grad school. I told him that i would LOVE the opportunity to go overseas to Florence or Paris or somewhere, but that's not really an option anymore, and i kinda filled him in. He said to me, and i quote, "What difference does that make? Your boyfriend can come visit you. What better way to test the relationship than if you were living in Westshire or something!" Sure Andy. He obviously thinks I'm much younger than i really am. I put it out of my mind and went about my day.

Later I went home and made dinner and Brooks put on a movie for us. From Paris with Love. I kept talking about how awesome living in Paris would be. Not forever mind you, but a little while. I could go to grad school there and then work at the Louvre for a year or two before we move on. Brooks said no. Well ok, so he didn't say "Hell no woman! I am NOT LEAVING NC!!!! RAAAAAWWWWRRRRR" It was more of a "Ehh...not my thing".  But wait, wait, wait...we had a conversation about the possibility of moving somewhere for me to go to grad school, a couple months ago and he was on board then. So i asked if it was Paris or all of Europe. I know a lot of people have issues with Paris. 'It's dirty. The French hate us. They smoke.' blah, blah, blah. He said it was all of Europe. He just can't imagine leaving NC. I decided to drink another beer, but i kinda stopped talking for most of the night. I needed time to process this.

I mean, i don't want him telling me a bunch of crap he thinks i want to hear. But wait...he seemed on board with this idea a couple months ago. Did he already fill my head with hot air back then? And this leaves an aching question...WTF?! I'm now sitting here trying to process it all and wrap my head around it. NC. Forever. I'm sorry, but the world is SO MUCH BIGGER THAN NC!!!!!!!!

When i moved here 4 years ago, i never imagined this would be the landing spot forever. I wanted to move on. New York. Paris. London. Barcelona. Florence. And so perhaps my list is long, but i don't think it's totally out of the realm of possibility if I work at it to pick a couple off this list (obviously it wouldn't be all of them). Like i have 2 more years until i graduate and can apply for grad school and i could probably land an awesome scholarship. But if he has no intention of ever leaving this place, why on earth would i apply to go anywhere but UNCG? And they really, really don't recommend students get their masters at the same school they get their undergrad from. They'll make a couple exceptions if you have no other choice than to stay here, but they really try to push all their little birds from the nest.

I am just so dumbfounded. What the hell does he think got me here? Garden gnomes? NO!! I picked up and moved my ass across the country! MYSELF!! Alone. Drove through 9 states in 7 days alone, didn't have a job when i got here, didn't know anyone and barely had a place to live. I'm a bit of a nomad really. I never moved when i was a kid. Not until i was 16 anyway. All my friends seemed to move every few years. It always seemed so exciting to me, even if it was in the same town. A new place. New neighbors. New experiences. The ex never wanted to leave Eugene and that made me nuts! I hated Oregon. It's why i left. Du.

I've told him this before, and it still holds true...i would follow him to the ends of the earth!! He told me that he was looking into moving to Australia a few years ago. So i guess this is another reason this whole thing isn't sitting well for me yet. I'm really quite baffled.

But it begs the question...would i leave Brooks because he doesn't ever want to move? He wants to put some roots down at some point, buy a house, raise a family. And i respect him for that! And a small part of me wants that too. But i guess i always figured the dream of living in Europe for a couple years would eventually happen or at least it would be a possibility up for discussion. But now it's not really an option to even consider. If it's the family thing i get that...sort of. Mine is across the country and I'm lucky if i see them every couple years. In talking to his mom a couple months ago, she was totally supportive! She said they could visit and what a great reason to go to Paris or Florence!

North Carolina isn't the end all, be all. The job market sucks, the taxes are ridiculous, the programs the state keeps cutting is absurd! Yes it's pretty, the beaches are nice, the mountains...blah, blah, blah. But for one thing, we don't go to the mountains. The last time we went to the beach was over a year ago. And it's been because we were both unemployed and broke! He doesn't like Raleigh or Charlotte, even to go get supplies at the ceramic and art stores there. So I've stopped asking to go to either of these places. Greensboro is home i guess. But there's still a big ache that asks...what else is out there?!

The likelihood of actually going is better now than it ever was, but it's still a long ways off even if he wanted to go. But I'm not selfish enough of a person to force him to do something he is really uncomfortable with. I wouldn't do that to him. And now, i have to put this notion out of my mind and let it go. That dream won't come to fruition. And the long list of grad schools with awesome ceramic/sculpture programs...i guess i can recycle that too.

I'm not going to leave Brooks because of this. I know that I'm extremely lucky to have found such a wonderful man who loves me for who i am, supports my dreams and goals and has been there for me through some dark times. So I'm not about to toss all we have away because i might have an opportunity to move to Europe some day. I'm not stupid. Loving him and being with him is much better than living in Barcelona or London anyway. That would be a life experience. But with him, we're building a life together.

The Remake of 'Bad'

Today i got Brooks to go through the rest of his boxes and the massive pile of crap that was on our recliner. In the process he found some interesting things. I felt like i needed to be in the garage side of the basement with him, for you know..."moral" support. In truth i was the one who was tossing things into the appropriate boxes or trash can for him since he was stuck in the closet behind the recliner. Haha!

Upon digging through a big massive tote he had full of random items, he handed me some shirts to choose which ones he kept and which ones needed to be tossed. I don't like doing that or being THAT girl, but it's what he wanted. It was like pulling teeth on a stray feral cat to get him to tell me which ones he actually wanted to keep, but we got it done.

One of the items in said tote was an old black leather jacket. It was padded, almost quilted in places, had some sort of buckle type thing on it, (clearly an old biker jacket) and as he handed it to me to put into the box of stuff to keep, he says, "That's a good coat! Glad i found that! It's old!!" I took one look at it and realized it looked quite a bit like the leather jacket Michael Jackson wore in the 'Bad' video. And this is where my story begins....

Me: Oh, so the 80's are back?
Him: NO! It's a good coat!! It's old! I loved that thing!! I'm keeping it!
Me: Oh, ok...... So do you have the single white sparkly glove in there too?
Him: Stop it!!
Me: When will the rest of your posse arrive? Should i expect them for dinner? 
Him: Hey! (then proceeded throwing socks at me)
Me: Where are all the silver buckles and stuff at? Did they fall off?
Him: Woman! (threw more socks)

A few minutes later he pulls out a really cool knife that looks like an old pistol in a holster, complete with chain and shows it to me.

Me: OH!! Look!! You found your chains!! Ok, so when will the remake of the 'Bad' video be taking place? Should i call around to find a location we can rent? 
Him: Really woman? You're gonna mess with me while I'm holding a knife?
Me: Well...I have a valid question. Do you have the boots and leggings to go with the jacket, or are we gonna have to go shopping? 
Him: That's it! (begins looking for more stuff to throw) Crap! I'm out of socks to throw at you! (throws a hat instead)
Me: (singing) Who's baaaad?

At least he's got a good sense of humor about stuff!!

Blending of Stuff; Part II

So the blending of our stuff has been an interesting and eye opening experience! I say eye opening as it's given me a very blunt view of how we both really are. Both pack-rats and both procrastinators. Seems like a perfect blend, doesn't it? Yea, no. Not so much. But at least we understand it from our own perspective. We know things have a story, a back ground, a history in our lives. Most of our stuff is meaningful and neither of us want to toss things that are special. And why should we?

My last long term boyfriend never got it. He was a neat-nick. It made me crazy! He would make me feel bad about all my art supplies (it's not like it was one or two items though. Art supplies are expensive and I'm not about to toss out stuff that I've spent good money on that is still useful!!) and my desk space being a mess (to him anyway. I could find everything i needed...it was organized chaos). He never wanted any of my artwork out where anyone would see it. There were two pieces that he liked and wanted out. But all the rest needed to be boxed up in the garage. It got to the point where it was a big fat thorn in our relationship. So i really appreciate the fact that Brooks has never once said to me, "Umm...why is it necessary for you to have all this mess? Why do you need it? Are you ever going to use it?" Not once! In fact, any time i look like I'm going to toss some sort of artsy thing he says the opposite! And he wants, actually WANTS my artwork out and about in our new place! And it's not because he thinks that's what i want to hear! We've actually had little arguments over some of my work that i hate and he loves!! He wants my crappy paintings to be hung on the walls and hates that i don't want them to be. He wants my sculptures where people will see them and where they will inevitably collect dust. And he's looking forward to me getting back in the studio to create even more works that we'll have on shelves and walls! For real! It's weird. Don't get me wrong, it's nice! It's an awesome feeling, but it's not something I'm at all used to, so it's still a bit unsettling.

At one point before he got this job, i was contemplating selling the White Rabbit and my spine sculpture on e-bay just to have some sort of money available to us. The look on his face was horrendous. He hated that thought and really didn't want me to even consider it. Not that it would have brought in 6 figures or anything, but i felt any funds would have been helpful at the time.

We got the official word yesterday that we get to do the walk through and get our keys this coming Thursday! We couldn't be happier! We are both SO excited it's hard to focus. Which makes the packing process even more difficult. I started packing some of our pictures and doo dads that we have around in our space downstairs yesterday...the box is yet to be fully packed, and i move from box to box without finishing one before getting to the next. Though the walls are a bit more bare now.

It just hit me that we are going to lose pretty much all of Thursday and Friday as time spent packing. Instead we'll be in town and I'll be cleaning, spraying down the new place with spider repellant in case of any hitch-hikers, and putting away a load of boxes on Thursday while Brooks is at work, and Friday i have a doctors appointment and more than likely spend the rest of the day in town again. So that leaves today...and tomorrow packing. TWO DAYS?! THAT'S IT?! OMG!!! So what am i doing instead of packing you ask? Writing this blog post...of course! I feel nauseous when i look at all his stuff that is in piles in the garage and not packed into boxes yet. He's already at work for the day so it's not looking good at this point. I'm overwhelmed. Big time!! 

We've made some headway in the "purging" process, but not as much as i had hoped. Part of the problem I've discovered, isn't that he won't go through his stuff...it's that he really doesn't see that he has much to dig through. I keep finding things. One of my very good friends told me yesterday that i shouldn't allow any boxes into the new place that haven't been sorted. Haha! I thought that was hilarious!

He's funny. He will go through boxes, unpack stuff that he's getting rid of and make all new piles of stuff. Everywhere. I don't even know what to make of it. Is it stuff he's keeping? Is it toss-able? Is it donate-able? WHAT IS IT?! Oh for the love of God, WHAT IS IT??!!!

I'm close with my stuff. Almost. Done. But i still need help to get to the rest of them as they are behind the generator in the shop. And with that scary-ass big black widow still on the loose, i am NOT going in there alone! Nope!! I can't. Physically can not! I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate and die even considering it. So I've kept myself busy. I packed up a lot of stuff in the bathroom today and i keep tossing stuff, which feels good.

This whole process has gotten me thinking...what things do people purge and donate? What things do they keep? What are the requirements to be a "special" item? I'm curious! I'd really like to know. I know people do this stuff...when people move ya kinda have to! Don't you?

My brilliant sister (for real!!) has a process which I've tried to adopt. If she's thinking of getting rid of something, but unsure if she wants to keep it, she'll put it in a box and date the box. When the date arrives, if she hasn't touched the box in that time (usually 6 months to a year) she'll not open the box to even see what's in it, she'll just donate it. No pilfering back in it, just out it goes! I love this idea and have tried to do it. However, since i haven't had access to my crap in quite some time, i can't yet do this with everything. Not to mention the way I've packed in recent moves is so unorganized I've got dishes in with towels and office stuff. Things my grandma gave me in with a box of old bills that need to be burned. It's a mess! But i think it's a great idea!

I've moved mass amounts of boxes of stuff from Oregon and all over Greensboro in the last 5 years. It's been astounding to see all the pidly little crap I've saved and just thrown in boxes to "be looked through later". I'm famous for this! I moved from my first home here in Greensboro to my own apartment. I had 3 friends helping me. I had so many boxes of just random stuff in my living room, my friend Cindy thought for sure i'd be unpacking for weeks. I managed to dig through a big amount of it and figure out pretty quick what was going where the washing machine hook ups went as storage, and what i was actually unpacking and putting away. I don't live out of boxes well! AT! ALL!!!

When i lived with my mom for a few months before trekking across country, i lived out of my suitcase and a few boxes. The day i moved to Greensboro, my movers and i unloaded the stuff into my room in the condo i was sharing with a total stranger, and the rest into storage. My room was floor to ceiling boxes! Literally!! I got home around 4pm from dealing with storage stuff and went to work at unpacking. By 9pm i was done. I had one box left on the floor.  Everything else was put away and organized. Even the empty boxes were tossed into recycling! I just don't live out of boxes well. I can't stand it. So i'm thinking we will more than likely be totally unpacked in a weeks time. Well...actually, all the house stuff and my own stuff by Monday/Tuesday. Brooks' stuff...we'll see how long it takes him to get his stuff put away, before he gets tired of listening to me complain.

I'm now sitting here typing and my brain is a whirl of "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WE HAVE 2 DAYS TO FINISH PACKING! OMG!", yet i am still sitting here at my laptop. Great way to get things done Jules. Really, just brilliant!

Things I'm Gonna Miss About Living in the Country

This move is very bitter-sweet. While we are SO excited about having our own place and getting back to the city, there are things I'll really miss about being way out in the sticks.

First and foremost, I'm gonna really miss Brooks' parents. I know what y'all are thinking..."This girl is NUTS! The in-laws? Really?" Yes REALLY!!! Anyone who thinks this, have clearly never met Brooks Sr. and Sherrie! And truth be told, I've been blessed, like truly blessed with finding, not only a fantastic guy, but a fantastic guy who has really wonderful and amazing parents who actually LIKE me!! I KNOW!!!! 

Sherrie has become a confidant, and easily one of my best friends! She knows it all. And when i say "all" i mean ALL!! When i want to rip my hair out because Brooks is narrating yet another box of crap to me, i go tell her. When i don't feel well because of girly stuff, i tell her. When I'm in tears because the ex-husband has called to make me feel like a miserable human being and driven me to hysterical tears over our son, i turn to her. When i just want to chit chat about whatever...we do that. We have a lot in common which is helpful and really awesome! She's got a great sense of humor and has a shining light from within that i just can't explain. You have to experience it. I'm really going to miss her!!

Brooks' dad, Brooks Sr., I'm gonna miss him too! I'm gonna miss him giving me crap when Brooks says something off the wall and he says, "That's your boy!". I'm gonna miss his tirades about work. And in all honesty, as much as i am disliking the garden right now, i'm gonna miss him telling me i've planted it all wrong and what i should do the next time to make it better. I'm gonna miss his jokes and his stories. And him meandering around the house chewing on his cigar. I'm gonna miss him drinking a beer and telling me how much he loves his wife. Just thinking about it makes me cry. He really does love her more than anything in the world!

It's not like we're never gonna visit! But it's gonna be a big adjustment coming home to an empty and dogless house again.

I'm gonna miss sitting on the porch swing, watching the humming birds dive bomb the feeders. I'm gonna miss the random animals out in the treeline watching us in the dark (that happened the other night and it was a moment of total terrifying magnitude! We think it was a coyote). I'm gonna miss Gypsy (the crotch hound dog) and her incessant barking at nothing at 1 in the morning. I'm gonna miss her always being so happy to see us when we walk up stairs in the morning, even if we were just up there...she acts like it's the first time she's seen us in months! I'm gonna miss all of our really awesome neighbors!! They got pretty lucky when they decided to build this house...they've got cool neighbors! I'm gonna miss the storms out here. They get pretty intense! And even though I'm not a fan of the southern storms, I'm gonna miss them here as opposed to the city. I'm gonna miss the cicadas. They are SUPER loud this time of year and in a big abundance!!

I'm gonna miss our "pet" frogs and lizard. I've become a bit attached to these guys and have named them all...Hippidy Hop is the largest of the frogs, then there's Dimple and Thumper. Brooks can actually tell the difference between the frogs, even if they aren't with the others. He says their markings are all different. Blue is the lizard. I think he had a blue tail at one point. I even have been known to talk to our tail-less lizard while i drink my coffee in the mornings as he's hanging out sunning himself on the log near the door. I'm gonna miss all the fireflies out here. Yes i know they have them in the city, but they are in big abundance out here and are just cool! We don't have them back home so it's neat. I'm gonna miss looking up into the stars at night and actually being able to see them, and watching the meteor showers out here. I'm gonna miss all the wildlife...the rabbits, the deer, the turtles, snakes...all sorts of things, and ya see them all the time! Not like the one bunny in the city you might see all summer, but ALL the time! Daily! All the butterflies! They've been amazing to watch this summer! Just beautiful!! And they are EVERYWHERE!!! We drove down the road the other day and there must have been, easily 75 monarch butterflies on either side of the road. It was so cool driving through a shower of them like that! I wish i had taken pics!

Brooks' family; the aunts, uncle, cousins, papa and his grandma. Both sides of his family live out here. I know we will visit, and it's not like we're 2 hours away or anything, but I've grown quite attached to seeing them fairly regularly too. They're all quite fabulous!! Love those peeps! And I'm beyond thankful that they have welcomed me into the family with such open arms! I know somewhere down the road we'll be heading down the isle together...and I'm trying to figure out how to squish them all INTO the wedding, and which one of them we're gonna call first when we have kids and we all go on our annual camping trip!

I suppose this would be a good time to say what i'm NOT going to miss about being in the country...you know...to be fair.

1) The bugs! First and foremost the bugs! Oh the bugs!! Not like little city bugs. No. In the country they grow them MUCH bigger and they are everywhere!! Big ass crickets, big-enough-to-carry-a-person-out-of-a-room-big!! The water bugs, the cockroaches, the gnats, the flies, the wasps, the BIG HUGE Japanese hornets that are literally the size of my hand, the bore bees, the regular bees...they're all enormous out here! Too big for my liking!!! I damn near had a freakin heart attach this morning when a bumble bee landed on my shirt as i brought Brooks' coffee out to him while he was outside. It landed and i literally started saying "UmOlmGddhdKdlsdhdjfYsliejjlksjlzne!!!!" Which i assume translated to, "OMGGETTHISTHINGOFFMENOWOMG!!!!!" Normally a bumble bee wouldn't bother me, but he was BIG and fuzzy and on the boob of my shirt and did i mention he was big?!

2) The spiders! OH FOR CRAP SAKE THE SPIDERS!!!!!! I have lost count at how many I've made Brooks kill for me! Yes, he will kill for me! He's done it. The daddy long legs aren't the issue unless they encroach on my area. Then they die. But it's the brown and black widows and the wood spiders that i mind and there are just too many out in the country!

3) How a trip to the grocery store is never "quick". It's not THAT far away, but it's a bit. Not like a 5 minute trip. It takes a good 15 to get to the nearest Foodlion!

4) Spending so much on gas getting into Greensboro.

5) The garden. Yes, it was my idea to expand it. Yes, i planted most of it. No, i didn't weed much due to the rains so the weeds took over and i found a massive wood spider in it and haven't really been down there much since. I'm happy to shop the farmers market instead of growing my own for a while.

6) The Kit-ath. This is our made up word for Kitchen/Bathroom. I'm NOT going to miss making coffee in the bathroom. I'm not going to miss microwaving popcorn in the bathroom. And i'm not going to miss washing coffee cups in the bathroom sink either. It'll be nice having separation of space with these two rooms again.

7)  Chiggers. I shouldn't have to explain this one but i will anyway. I got them the other day after i went down to the neighbors to pick black berries. Vicki told me to use bug spray if i went down there. I totally forgot! I got home and i thought the red splotches all over my legs were mosquito bites...as they LOVE me. Nope. Chiggers. Had to hop a quick shower before dinner and then spent a good 20 minutes painting clear nail polish on the spots. I read up on them later and found that they don't actually burrow under your skin and lay eggs. THANK GOD!!!! It's a very common misconception that i was thankful for! They've stopped itching for the most part now, but good lord! I was miserable for a few days!!!

8) Not having service on my cell! This may totally sound like a first world problem, and i suppose it is, but living way out here has made making a phone call or getting a text difficult. We're a ways away from the cell tower apparently and the signal is sparse. Many days when someone does call and leaves either of us a message, it'll take anywhere from 1-6 hours, or sometimes several days to get a message! CRAZY!! When i call Chandler i have to go outside, stand in the middle of the yard, on one foot, with my arm out waving it around like i just don't care, for him to hear me clearly for 5 minutes, then i have to move places and change arms. It gets old. So i definitely won't miss that one!! 

9) Not doing stuff. Being this far out isn't horrible. But it's a drive from Greensboro. Almost an hour. So if Brooks and i want to go to a show (we have a LOT of friends who are in bands we like to see), or go to dinner somewhere other than Cook-Out, we have to drive. Well that's fine and good and not a massive issue really, but if we want to go have a drink with a few friends, one of us has to be a DD. It's a pain in the ass to have to drive that far when we are both tired, one of us is tipsy and we've got an hour in the car. It'll be nice to be within walking distance of a lot of stuff again! Shows and all!!

10) Living an hour away. Seems there are some people who think that because i have a boyfriend I've dropped off the face of the planet and totally forgotten about them, when in reality it's because I DON'T LIVE IN TOWN ANYMORE!!! People don't listen. But i hate that there are a few out there who think it's all his fault that they never see me anymore. HELLO?! We live an hour away! Get over yourself!! 


I think that's it. I'm sure there's more, but this is the list on both sides of the equation. The good and bad. Country vs. City. Ying & Yang. Now, if you'll excuse me...perhaps I'll try and pack another box. Moving day will be upon us sooner than we realize.

Meeting "Him"

Wow, 3 in the same month! I'm impressed with myself!!

This post is the opposite of the last two. No pissy, yet funny story about Brooks narrating boxes of crap to me, or telling y'all about how moving makes me crazy, or anything about today's fiasco of how "downsizing" Brooks crap has SO not gone well and i am less than amused. BUT this is a good story and in re-reading it, it always makes me smile and remember those early days of our union and how awesome it feels to be so in love with such a wonderful man!!  Crap...Here he comes with yet another shirt that there is some story to tell about...GET TO WORK!! Ain't nobody got time fo dat!! Ok...so anyway...here is a good story! Enjoy!

* * *

I really wanted to post this on our one year anniversary last month buuuut...that didn't happen. By June 25th, i had kinda forgotten i even had a blog. Seems that happens with me. This is the 3rd...no, 4th, no...hmm...4th!! 4th blog I've had and the others i can't even find the bookmark on my computer, let alone remember the damn password. But i digress...

Many people have asked how Brooks and i met. And it's a good, albeit, somewhat embarrassing story, but a good story nonetheless. And what's a little embarrassment among...well, strangers? Ok, so i know a few of my friends actually read this, but i was looking at my audience the other day...i don't know anybody who lives in Canada, Switzerland or Peru, but that's where some of my audience is. And thanks for reading btw!! I love that someone out there actually reads this stuff!! It'd be great if i could become one of those bloggers who actually makes money with their tirades and rants about random and useless information!! Seriously! What a fun job!! 

AnyWAY...geez...lets focus Jules!! Sheesh! I think I've had too much sugar today.

Ok, so here it is...meeting "him".

So as I've said, i met the love of my life a little over a year ago at the end of May. I know it sounds like I've lost my damn mind when after just a few short months i spoke of him in this respect, but you just don't get it. Nor do i really care that anyone really "gets" it. It just is!

I had been asked to attend a big camping trip with a bunch of my closest friends. They do it every year. A way to just get out of the city and reconnect and have a blast doing it. It's a long trip though. About 10 days in the middle of nowhere. I was in! I needed a break from the crap in the city and what better way than to spend it with my awesome peeps that i already knew, and meet new friends too!

I was introduced to Brooks the day i arrived. Him and his dad were already set up when my friends Paul and Jody and I arrived. A rain storm hit soon after we got there, which i was caught in while getting beer for everyone. It's just tradition when we camp. Get there and crack open a beer. Screw setting up...just drink to you and everyone else!!

Brooks and his dad (Brooks Sr, or really Jr. My Brooks is the third, but they call him Jr, Jr. Don't get me started on all the nick-names he has!) had joined us all in Paul's mamma-jamma tent we like to call the 'condo'. It's huge!! Plenty of space for all of us sitting in camp chairs, a table and two beds! Plus extra space!! So there we all were. The 5 of us waiting on the rest of our 'tribe' to arrive, drinking beer and waiting out the storm. We all sat around the table talking and having a great time.

Over the course of the next week, Brooks and i didn't really spend a lot of time talking amongst ourselves. We had so many people that we camped with that it was hard to get a moments peace, let alone start something with someone. Or see if there was anything to start.

After we all came home from the trip, i was invited by my friend Paul to attend Brooks' birthday party. I accepted and brought my BBQ baked beans to the party. There were a ton of people there, and a bunch of the campers from the trip, so i knew a lot of people.

As birthday parties go, this was one hell of a party!! I definitely drank my fill! At one point i walked into the house to use the bathroom and there was Brooks with two different whiskey's and a rum. He says "JUUUUULLLLEEEESSSSS!!!!!! YOU need a SHOT!!!" Who was I to deny a request of the birthday boy? I accepted the bottle of cinnamon whiskey, and the honey whiskey to chase it. Another 4 rounds of both and i was goooood!! I returned back outside with our friends.

A while later i came back inside, again to use the bathroom, and ran into his dad. He says to me, "Hey suga!! How you doin? Are you havin fun?" I replied..."Oh yes!!!" Then i started giggling. I said "I have something i should probably tell you...." He asked "What's that suga?" To which i drunkingly replied..."I have a bit of a crush on your son". It was true. I hadn't stopped thinking about him since we left camp two weeks before. To my delight he was more than happy! He said "REALLY?! Ohhh!!!! You should tell him!! Oh wait! You should tell Sherrie!! (Brooks' mom!)" I kinda freaked out and said "NOOO!!!! I don't wanna tell mom!! Shhhh!!!!" He called her over to our side of the counter. She says to me "How you doin sweetie? You havin fun?" I told her i was. Then Brooks Sr says "Sherrie...she has something she needs to tell you". "Oh, what's that?" *sigh* to which i replied..."I have a bit of a crush on your son". To my relief she was ok with that knowledge!! She said "YOU DO?!!!! OH MY GOSH!!! He's single you know? Oh!! You have to tell him!! He's downstairs! Go!! GO tell him!!" So off i drunkingly went...to tell my crush how i felt.

In my defense, he nor i remembered the conversation until several weeks later. And truth be told that we finally remembered how i wound up becoming a pile of rocks in the driveway about a month later. I had gone downstairs to tell him how i felt. He told me he felt the same and we were kissing. Our friend Ginny had come in to use the bathroom and we went outside, we think to go back up to the party in the front yard. He went to his truck and i went up the driveway to join our friends. I never made it. I decided to lay in the road instead. Ginny and Paul found me later and with Lou-Ann's help got me sitting upright again. Brooks went inside and fell asleep face-down in a chair. Lou-Ann and Paul got me to my tent and a few moments later i got back up to use the bathroom inside. I saw Brooks and covered him up with my sleeping bag that i had wrapped around me. When i came out a few moments later i sat next to him and took off his flip flops that he was still wearing. I remember thinking how mean it was to uncover him, so i sat there for a moment thinking, and trying to figure out if i had a sweatshirt or something else i could use in loo of my sleeping bag. The next thing we both knew it was morning. I had slept on the chair with him (it's a big chair). We had no recollection of all of the things that went on until weeks later. Now we laugh about it. There was a good deal of "talk" amongst our friends about what really happened! Much to their disappointment I'm sure, since neither of us are like that.

After the party and after I went home it took me a few days to friend request him on Facebook. After i sat with our friend Derrick and talked to him for a bit about it. I liked him. I was interested in finding out more about him and seeing if we had enough in common to pursue a possible relationship and I wanted to see if he wasn't just another guy out there who wanted a notch on his belt. Derrick encouraged it. He told me to ask him for his number. Tell him how i felt. He didn't think that Brooks would do it himself. So i went home. And i messaged him.

The message hit his phone while he was at a Government Mule concert for his birthday. In my message i was quick to the point. Though my nerves definitely had gotten to me...which i did state in the message. I told him that i liked him, but if he felt i wasn't his cup of tea no hard feelings and I'm sure I'd see him again at some point, where we could both laugh about it. His reply came the next day. He gave me his number, said he thought i was a lot of fun to hang out with and that I'd been on his mind since his birthday party.

Well that was that! I called him that night and we talked for almost 2 hours. We never ran out of things to talk about. There was never an awkward silence.

When i got off the phone with him, I texted my best friend and said i was sorry i was just now getting back to her but i had been on the phone for the last 2 hours. She asked who i was talking to. My reply, "My future husband". :)

And a little over a year later, here we are. It's been quite a year! As you can tell from some of my posts. But it's been awesome and we are both so happy and so in love! Some days i literally pinch myself! Like really.  I often wonder where in the world he came from and how i got so lucky to find him!! And he'll bring that up too. He'll talk about how me being from Oregon and he's from NC and how we met via our best friends, and what a small world it really is. He thinks I'm the cat's meow. But for me...well...he hung the moon!

Blending of Stuff; Part I

7 days from now we will be in our new place! Well...we think anyway. Our landlord...Bob? John? Nooo....whats-his-face??...Oh right, BILL! Bill said he'll more than likely be starting the turning over on Monday and as long as there isn't any BIG MASSIVE horrible mess in there, which there shouldn't be...the girl looked fairly tidy, we should be moving in on Saturday! YAY!!!

We still aren't done downsizing our crap. Most of my shit is done. I have a few more boxes to go through that i need help to get to as there are big nasty black widows out in the shop. I'm not kidding either! I have pics to prove it!! But the rest is done. It's either repacked, downsized, ready for donating, tossed in the trash or into the burn barrel out back. Brooks on the other hand...he's slow. He's a procrastinator and a bit of a pack rat. Not a good combo. Yet, it's a combo we both share. Sadly i am the same way. I'll put crap off until the very last minute a lot of times because i just dread doing it. But we really don't have that ability this time.

Tomorrow will be it though as far as time he'll have this week to get it done, so it may be ugly, but at least his stuff will be finished. I made him get rid of ONE of the George Foreman grills he had and his little toaster, as mine is pretty bad-ass and black and stainless...not white. It was like pulling teeth to get him to toss out anything! I wasn't hovering over him or anything, but just trying to get him to down size SOMETHING!!! We gotta take most of our crap with us and i really REALLY don't want to move a box of crap we're just gonna toss out. That makes no sense and I've done that for the last 5 years. DONE!! Not to mention, when we moved him from the beach in November, i was the one packing stuff as the guys moved stuff out, and at one point, i was just tossing crap in a box. It didn't matter that there was an entire box of socks that he never wore (a box he had never unpacked when he moved down there mind you), or a box of t-shirts and coffee cups and office supplies. We were in a hurry, so i did what i could with what little time and few boxes we had.

So a week or so ago we hit his stuff. I wanted to rip my own hair out. Literally every box he opened he found stuff to talk about in it. He narated the box. It went something like this....

Brooks: Oh wow! Honey look at this! I haven't see this (insert some old thing here) in forever! Check it out!
Me: Uh hu. Cool! (i was packing up art supplies)
Brooks: No, you're not looking! LOOK!!! I got this when i was (insert random age of childhood here)
Me: I see honey. Very nice. (still packing stuff...)
Brooks: LOOK!!!!!
Me: I am looking...are you keeping it? (I never stopped working...)
Brooks: Ummm....i dunno. Maybe.....hmmm......
Me: Ok, well keep going then. Think on it. (Grabbed another box, kept packing...)
Brooks, upon digging into another box: HONEY!! OMG!! Check it out! Omg, look at this shirt!!
Me: Yes, i see that. Cool.
Brooks: (Insert story of shirt here).
Me: Uh hu. (finished packing my art stuff, moved on to cleaning his donation stuff)
Brooks: Yea...i guess i'm gonna toss these. I don't need them and clearly never wear them, and hey...did i ever tell you when i got this shirt.....(insert rest of long story about a shirt here).

I wanted to rip my hair out! It was like watching a little kid clean his room. Every box had some old thing in it that had a meaningful and deep story attached to it. While i do understand that people have memories and stories regarding stuff...(believe me, i am one of those people!) we are on a very tight timeline. We don't have time for him to explain to me about where and who the whatever it is came from. We don't have the time!! Plus, every time he talked about something and told a story...he pretty much stopped working. Talk and work, talk and work, talk and work.....

The next day i went out to the shop to work on more of my stuff. He was at the burn barrel near where i was working. In fact, he had a view of me working away. I had an hour until i had to go inside and start cleaning (i had a tight schedule that day). In an hour, i showed him 2 things (mostly because one was a pair of diamond earrings i thought I'd lost a long time ago, at the bottom of a box of shit i almost tossed in the trash!), and downsized 10+ boxes, had 3 more boxes of donations, tossed a massive bag and a giant box of trash out, and hauled 3 boxes of crap to burn. I was impressed with myself!! That was in an hour!!

He keeps thinking that he's all done. Just because you can't see a box of crap to go through, doesn't mean it's fine to leave alone. And now we have to find his birth certificate on top of downsizing stuff...so I'll help him look for that. His mom says i should just do it. It might be better. However, i know how i would feel if he was going through my stuff and tossed something i wanted to keep. So I'm not doing it. I keep telling him...it's a two way street. We both have to give up some stuff and get rid of stuff in this move. It's fair. I'm not gonna toss out all my crap and him give up a damn toaster. Which reminds me, he looked like a kid saying goodbye to a beloved pet when i suggested we use my toaster instead. He said, in a pitiful Eeyore voice, "But...but it's a good toaster". "Yes honey, I'm sure it's a great toaster! But if our kitchen is gonna be orange and blue (i hear scoffing as y'all read this! They're really pretty together, as blue and orange are complimentary colors thank you very much!) and black...wouldn't the black one be better to keep?" He turned away and went back to narrating the next box of stuff.

A Place Called Home

Good lord! February? Really? That was the last blog entry i had?? WOW!!! Well...whatever. I've been busy. I'll get over it, i suggest you try to too.

So...things have been interesting over the last 5-ish months. We both lost our unemployment benefits. Which REALLY sucks. Not that i need to explain that one, but for those of you lucky people out in the world who haven't experienced anything terrible with this bullshit economy we are in, let me just say...it BLOWS CHUNKS OF MASSIVE STICKY CRAP!!!!!! Let that image sink into your head a moment. I'll wait.....

......

Ok, now that that lovely image is right in the forefront of your mind, I'll continue.

I've talked to a good many MANY people who have been laid off, like the two of us have, who have no savings left, no family to help, nothing (And I will forever be thankful and grateful to Brooks' awesome parents for helping us the way they have!! They are really two of the greatest people!). Anyway...back to my rantings....The feds absorbed what was left of Brooks' funds. Nice. At this time, I'd like to offer a gigantic peeve that i have with people as of late...ahem....those people who say to us or just say in a general-matter-of-fact-way "Why don't these people just get a job?" REALLY?! I never thought of that shit!! Let me just scurry on over to the Job-town, and go to the job-tree and pluck an awesome paying job, right off it's joby-leaves!! Fuck you!! Times suck right now!! Businesses are closing and downsizing left and right. And it's not like we haven't been trying! In the last 6 months alone I've put in over 1000 resume/applications for ANYTHING! McDonald's, gas stations, restaurants, dog grooming, Wal-Mart...you name it, I've applied for it! It's not like i can force someone to call me and hire me!! This is what those employed lucky people think!! And honestly...I'm tired of dealing with it. One job opening will get anywhere from 100-1000 applications! Go search that shit! Because it's true!!

I had an interview i was SURE i would land a few weeks ago. It was for a very prosperous grocery store in town. It was for their Store Artist position. I borrowed money to put together mini portfolios of my work, printing off a few of my pieces in color along with a better rendition of my resume, folding mini folders to put these in, trimming the edges, gluing the fronts and putting a name tag on them, for 10 people on the "panel" of interviewers. I hadn't left the store 10 minutes, before they called to tell me i didn't get the position and they had gone with someone who, quote, "has more experience". I'm not sure with what exactly, as I've got LOADS of graphic experience, but whatever. Their loss. But as i cried for several days after that, i went back to my "everything happens for a reason" thoughts. I kept thinking IF i had gotten that job, i would have probably quit school as it was full time and hard to work my classes around, no matter what i told others and myself. I would have had to quit. Then i wouldn't be working on my ceramics and focusing on becoming a ceramic/sculpture artist-rock-star. So...there is that. My shining light. Apparently I've finally found something I'm supposed to be doing. And I'm excited to get back into the studio again and working on not only building my artsy portfolio of real, tangible, able to throw at someone, work, but other sell-able work. Not something that, if-you-print-it-and-fold-into-an-origami-frog-or-paper-air-plane-you-can-throw-into-the-air work. But real work.

Things are starting to FINALLY turn around for us. Brooks is days away from starting back to work. OH THANK YIA JEZUS!!!!! (Seriously!!) And we just put down a deposit on a place near campus!! WHOOHOOO!!!!! I've never been so excited!! There are levels to my excitement! This will be our FIRST place together. Well i know we've been living together for almost a year, but since we've been at his parents house, it's not "our" place. You know? So, this is exciting stuff! Our very own place!! And it's right around the corner from my adoptive dad's house, and right down the street from our favorite little bar and a multitude of friends who hang out there, ANNNND right down the street from school! So there ya go! My little nutshell of utter happiness!!

So now is the time that we will be digging through all of our crap and tossing, donating, perhaps selling (I'm selling my truck, but i didn't have to dig in a box to do it), and merging the stuff. Oh happy days!! For you couples out there who have been through this...it ain't easy. And in a very big way, i feel bad for Brooks. Now i know what you are thinking...'This bitch is gonna make him get rid of all his stuff!! What about the x-box man? NOT THE X-BOX!!!!' No. I'm not THAT girl. I'm the awesome girl friend who got him a video game he'd been wanting for Christmas. Remember? I'm just suggesting how to fit stuff into the apartment. Ok, so it's small. It's a 1 bedroom. The kitchen is big, which is good because we both like to cook! The living room has some space and it'll be interesting to see how to smoosh a seating/TV area AND a desky/officey area into it. The girl who lives there now does it, and I've been thinking about it since we left there yesterday afternoon. I think i have it! But he's stubborn and is insisting we don't have enough room to do what I'm suggesting, nor do we have enough room in the kitchen/dinning for the dinning room table. But here is where my ultra-girl skills come in handy! I KNOW HOW TO LIVE AND DECORATE FOR SMALL SPACES!!!!!!!!!!! I used to be addicted to those home magazines that talk about painting, decorating, down sizing, expanding...etc. Even though i don't have many printed issues any longer, i can find links!! I've done it!! Been there, done that. And I'm sorry to throw the vag card...but I'm a girl. It's in the blood for a lot of us. We just...do this type of thing better.

He thinks we live in a small beer box. Not the 24 case of beer mind you, but the 6 pack of the tiniest midget beer available on the market today! Until we get to the bedroom and all of a sudden we live in a pallet sized beer box with streamers coming out of both ends and a sparkly ball hanging from the ceiling with 50 people dancing the night away in there. This is where my stubbornness comes to play...the bedroom is NOT that big!! And it's not going to fit his bed frame (that we already said would go into a spare room when we get a bigger place) with much room to spare. Of course part of this is that WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!!! I am saying, that when couples move in together they merge, purge and buy new stuff together. Am i right?  And I'm not saying to get rid of the 4 poster bed and dresser!! NO!!! They are beautiful pieces. It's just not....me. It's very much an antique. Nothing wrong with that at all!! I love antiques! But I've got a very modern side and a bedroom should be an oasis for a couple. Somewhere that both people can be happy. I'm happy to go to a B & B up in Vermont...but i don't really want to take it home with me. And i wouldn't expect him to put his stuff in the guest room and we go use my stuff. I don't think my stuff is him either. Hell, it's not really ME!!

We had this whole conversation when we went to Ikea in January. In the bed section i remember specifically...i pointed out a cool bed frame that had drawers under it, no foot board but it had a head board. It was a dark, almost black wood. I said..."What if we get something like this?" He says in a pitiful Eeyore manner, "What about my frame?" Ugh. We had this discussion when we talked about moving in together and we "compromised" on the bed. We went with his mattress because if i have to hear about the fancy schmancy, individually wrapped coils, and how ya can't turn the damn thing sideways for longer than 4 minutes 30 seconds, $1500 mattress one more time i will rip out my hair! And we went with my bedding for now...until we can afford new stuff that WE pick out TO-GETH-ERRRRRR. But when it came to the frame, we were gonna look for one we BOTH LIKED. COM-PRO-MISE. 

.......

It's funny what a difference a year makes. Hell...a month for us makes a world of difference! At the end of the day i don't care. I don't care if we have no space and are falling over boxes and can't find the hand soap. I don't care if his massive, so-not-me-old-lady-bed-frame comes with us. I don't care if we have to put the two dressers in the living room behind the couch and you have to jump over them to get into the kitchen. I don't care if we have 3 coffee makers, 2 microwaves and 2 George Foreman Grills (both his btw). I don't care that nothing matches and our "blending of stuff" didn't go so well. At the end of that maze from the door to the kitchen and the blocked doors to the bathroom, we have our own place. Him. Me. Us.