Fertiltiy Drugs

I say in a lot of my personal posts that i post them not so much for me, but for the folks out there who may be going through similar issues. A friend maybe, an acquaintance, or a total stranger who happens upon this blog. I write these for them. If even one person can read this and know that they aren't alone in their struggle, then writing this all out for you is so worth it!! You aren't alone!! I'm right there with you. And if you want to chat, we can totally do that! Send me an email at: lovehappened33@gmail.com. Let's chat! I may not be able to give you useful information on how to help, but i am a good listener...er reader, and I'm happy to be a shoulder to you!! Even sharing with just one person can be really helpful!! No one should have to bear this kind of thing alone.

***

In May i posted "Lack of a Bump" and talked about our fertility journey. I am choosing not to call it a struggle. Not yet. And at the end of that post i talked about the surgery i had just had in April to remove scar tissue and to "fix" the issue with miscarrying. Well that was almost 5 months ago, so lets go from there. Back to May...

We did get pregnant in May. And we were thrilled. Yet, i was still very uneasy. I think a very natural response after 2 miscarriages. We found out a few days before Brooks' birthday in June. By his birthday i was miscarrying. Again. #3. Not at all the birthday celebration we had intended. Instead of going out to dinner that Thursday night, we wound up at the Women's Hospital in Greensboro waiting for tests and sonograms to see what was going on. Since we were only 4.5 weeks, they couldn't see if the baby had a heartbeat. Which in retrospect was a good thing. Last time we saw the heartbeat and it gave us a false hope.

We left the hospital around 11pm that night, still had yet to eat dinner. I cried off and on all the way home. I kept asking Brooks if he was sure he wanted to be with me. I mean, i could take the ring off. Give it back. It's not that i didn't love him of course, but i just didn't want to go through this again and again, and never have kids together and we get to our old age and him have regrets about being with me. Regretting never having children is a difficult thing. I've seen it with some friends of mine. I'm not sure you ever get over that. So i guess i just wanted to be sure he was sure that I was what he wanted regardless of what happened with the kid front. He of course told me to shush and wouldn't really even talk about it with me as he said i was being ridiculous. Probably.

I called my doc the next day so she knew just what was going on and see if she needed to see me. She sent a message back through her nurse and told me, as devastating as it was to be going through this again, we DID get pregnant after the surgery and that was half the goal right there!! She didn't need to see me unless i needed or wanted to, but she did want to repeat the blood work. She also wanted to know if we wanted to be referred to a further specialist. Nope! Not yet!!

On Saturday we had a chill weekend. We didn't go anywhere or do anything. But i wanted to discuss this again with Brooks. I brought it up again...

Me: "Babe? I want you to be certain you're not going to have regrets if i can't give you any children. I mean that's a big thing!! What if it never happens for us? What if we get old and grey and that's it? I just don't want you to look back and wish you hadn't married or stayed with me..."

Brooks: "STOP!! I'm not having this conversation love!! I love you. Period! Not because you can or can't give me kids. I love YOU. And if we have kids, that's a bonus!! And if we don't...well we'll be the best Auntie and Uncle we can be!! We'll go get Dylan or Elijah for the weekend, get em' all sugared up and spoiled and send them home and those kids will adore us!!" It made me laugh to think of that image. Then he continued..."Plus...I'm not giving up!! No! And you're not either! We're gonna get pregnant! And we're gonna have an awesome kid because it's you and me together, and that kid is gonna be SO spoiled because we've lost 2 and we're gonna spoil that one for the others! ...Plus...you know what they say right?"

Me: "Third time's the charm?"
Brooks: "Well that too...but i was gonna say, There's a right way, a wrong wayyyy...annnnd....."
Me: "And the Roach way. Ugh! And our kid is a Roach. Damnit!"

*The Roach way is a joke within the family. See...there is the right way to do things, the wrong way and then the Roach way is where they figure it out themselves usually taking much longer or going around the planet for a simple matter. Friends who camped with us this year saw that one in all it's glory while trying to put together an A-frame canopy. 

We both started laughing. I have to admit it was nice to see such over the top positivity from Brooks. I mean, he's not a pessimistic person, but he's certainly not that outright positive about things usually.


The following Monday i had to go back into the doc's office to have repeat blood work done. I was actually ok when i was there. I didn't burst into tears at seeing adorable women rocking their bumps. I was fine. But when i got to the truck, i wasn't fine. So i called a friend and met her for a beer. But while i was sitting talking with her, i was even more not fine. In fact i was pissed!! My friend has never had or wanted kids, so she just doesn't get it. So i try very hard not to take anything she says on the matter overly personally, but you just NEVER say to a woman who's just miscarried "Well, maybe you partied too hard when you went camping last month!" W? T? F?! NO!!!! Though i did my best to remain cool and collected in front of her, and i did explain that's not at all how it works as well as explained how much i really didn't party while camping, i was devastated and so hurt. And if your curious about other things NOT to say, look at the post "Lack of a Bump". I've got a good list there, as well as what the hell to say instead!!

I left and headed home and sobbed all the way home. I was a mess!! I posted some vague message on facebook about driving while sobbing and a girlfriend commented. One who has also miscarried, so she gets it. I texted her and said, "We miscarried again". She didn't text back, but picked up the phone. We chatted for about 45 minutes. I could totally hear it in her voice how upset she was for me. Women who know what it's like usually are. And it was good to talk to her about it. She reassured me that i was being too controlling about it (which is super weird because i don't think I'm much of a controlling person with anything else) and that it certainly wasn't my fault. She also said that i needed to let it go with the 'Brooks is going to have regrets!' thing. She told me that's not why he's with me anyway, it would be a bonus. I felt better by the time we hung up.

The next day i went to see a diabetes educator to get my new insulin pump hooked up. After the appointment i went to see another friend of mine. A mutual guy friend of Brooks and mine. I hung out with him sitting on him and his girlfriends patio just chatting and catching up. He asked what was new at one point, and so i told him. He knew about the first miscarriage and knew what we had been through in trying again. He told me how sorry he was. Then i told him about the Brooks having regret. He looked at me and said, "OMG JULES!! NO!!! Brooks isn't with you because you're a baby making machine!! He loves you! No matter what happens in life, you know he'll be with you because he loves you! So stop that right now!!" Fair enough. He was right of course. Then he continued... "You're trying to control this you know. And you can't. Not that i know much about how fertility works, but I'm pretty certain it's out of your control." How bizarre. Ok...been told that twice now. Perhaps they know me better than i know me. At any rate, i was feeling a lot better about it. What a difference a day and the right people make to ones outlook!!

The next week i had to go to see my endocrinologist. I told him what had happened. I try to keep him up to date with the fertility stuff as much as possible. He asked how i was dealing with it compared to last time. I did say and felt that the first time was SO horribly devastating, not that this time wasn't, but we both were doing better than last time. I was actually out in the world being around my friends, and not locked in the house on the couch in my sweats. Then of course i asked him if he thought I miscarried because of x,y,z. He looked at me, relaxed in his chair a bit and said, "Juliana, you need to stop beating yourself up over this! Sometimes it happens and we just don't know why! I truly don't believe you did anything to cause it!! So no! I don't think it's due to anything you did or didn't do. You've got to stop trying to control this, because sadly hun it's totally out of your control. You need to relax." It was so weird to hear him say a lot of what my friends had told me the week before. I told him about that. He suggested that maybe i need to go to a yoga class or look into meditation or something then. Not bad advice.

I'm not going to go into specific details, as i don't want to gross anyone out and quite frankly it's VERY TMI!! But for the ladies...i am hoping you know what i mean when i say...there didn't seem to be an end in sight to that monthly "gift" afterwards. So i called the doc. She had me come in to do an ultrasound to see what was happening. That was in July. So that monthly "gift" had been happening for a month by then. UGH!! And I was dealing with an excruciating amount of painful cramping as well. The ultrasound showed i had a cyst. Lovely. So apparently even though the gift hadn't let up, i ovulated anyway....or tried and it turned into a cyst. WTF?! She gave me a prescription for an estrogen supplement for 10 days to reboot my system and hopefully stop the gift. What it actually was supposed to do was to stop the gift, then as soon as i stopped taking the meds, it would give me the gift again. UGH!! But then i should be back to normal. She also gave me a prescription for clomid to start the next cycle after the estrogen reboot, along with specific instructions. I had definite reservations about that!! I had heard all kinds of horror stories about it! But she said that it's like anything else with side effects...everyone deals with them differently. But she gave me some literature on what to expect and how to deal with it.

She then told me that she would give us another 6 months. If in 6 months we still weren't pregnant and holding onto a pregnancy she would have to send me to a further specialist as she has exceeded her expertise. I hoped it wouldn't come to that!!

Another 2 weeks went by and i still hadn't gotten rid of this damned gift and was loosing my mind!! What period lasts THAT long?! I mean really!! So i called the docs office. They said to do another round of estrogen and wait to see if that helped. Fine. I did that. Then waited a week. By that time it had been 73 days. YES! You read that correctly!! Aunt flow...73 freakin days!! Cramps and all!! Yes ladies and gents...i am a rock star! Not that i want to be...but damn! Give me some serious snaps for dealing with that!! Because it wasn't painless, that is for certain!!

So FINALLY 73 days later i was 'gift' free!! YAY!!!!! And what's funny...is that then we were waiting for it to show up so I could take the clomid! Hahaha!!! The break was nice though!! VERY nice!! Ahhh.....

So a couple weeks ago the gift did show up. And i took the clomid last week as instructed. Same time everyday for 5 days. I had my alarm set on my phone. Then i started researching the side effect that are typical. I mean i kinda knew them, but i wanted some more info. So far, and I'm certainly not complaining...the only thing I've had is hot flashes. I haven't been weepy, emotional, or a raging...you know what! I looked last night online to see if there was a "how to know if clomid is actually working" link. No, not really. Some ladies just don't have symptoms. I will count myself lucky!! Especially after a 73 day gift!! Perhaps that was my reward?! :) During the time i started the clomid, i got a "cold" that turned into Bronchitis. Awesome. Wednesday i had to take myself to Urgent Care as i couldn't breathe. The doc gave me 3 albuterol breathing treatments and gave me a shot in the ass of prednisone. Then gave me a script for prednisone pills as well as an albuterol inhaler and antibiotics. AND i was on cold meds. So I was on all the drugs. Talk about a lot!! Goodness me!!

So that's the latest since May. Now we wait. There is no definitive on clomid working. Sometimes it works in the first cycle you take it, sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't the dosage goes up. And you don't know if it is working until ovulation. There is just no way to actually know. I'm actually skipping the going into the docs office every other day for blood work, and scans and all that mess. A lot of docs do that. We may be skipping it because I've been pregnant before so my clomid use is a bit different in that respect. We know I'm fertile. That's not the issue. Holding onto it is the issue. But then there's that...they say in allllll the books that when a woman miscarries it's for a reason. Like your body and mother nature knows that isn't a viable pregnancy. They also say that after a miscarriage within the first 6 months of it, a woman is less likely to miscarry again. So we've got that going for us until December. Seriously crossing fingers now!!

Now we wait it out i guess. And used the OPK's (ovulation predictor kit) on a daily basis. Pee, dip, wait, repeat. Good times i tell ya!! 

The fear of course for a lot of women taking clomid is the chance of having multiples. Which actually isn't terribly high, but you never know. Plus I have twins that run in my family on both sides. Though my fathers side is what they count, not mom's side. My grandmother AND grandfather on his side were both twins and my grandmother had another set of twin sisters! And it skipped my aunt and dad and their kids so far. So who knows. We might get a double blessing. Either way, i don't care! Our goal is at least 1. Any more is just an added bonus!!

Through all of this it's been a bit of a struggle to remain positive about it. To stay upbeat and not get down or get too hard on myself. I go back and fourth at times about it. Which according to my therapist is a natural response and it's perfectly fine to do. But through it all we remain a united front. Brooks and i are closer than before. I truly didn't know that was even possible, but we are. And we're on the same page. This is our fight. We keep going no matter what happens because this is what we want. 10 fingers and 10 toes. And we're not giving up!!

The Great Hair Saga Continues...The Hairy Situation Part Trois

So those that read my blog on a regular basis (THANK YOU!!! You're AWESOME!!) have probably read the Hairy Situation and the Hairy Situation Part Deux. The first two halves of this post.

It's been 2 years since i started growing this mess out. I decided i needed a change, and why not grow it back out. Let Brooks see it long. But i wasn't sure how long i could stand to actually grow it, so i figured a year maybe. Last year, when i posted the Part Deux i was pretty ready to chop it back off. But i waited. I really kept thinking i wanted my hair long for our wedding. However, it may be a while until our wedding and i just can't stand it ANY LONGER!!!! (No pun intended).

Ok, so it's not always been horrible. But long hair is a pain in the ass!! Like big time! I have very fine hair. So it's almost impossible for it to hold a style other than what it does on it's own, which isn't good. Unless of course i pay someone to style it, but who am I? Rockefeller? Umm...not last time i checked! Both sides curl weird, and not in a way that goes or compliments the other side. It's just wonky. I can spend a good 45 minutes just straightening it...but then eventually, it'll do what it wants in the back anyway, so what's the point? I cut my bangs a while back and that helped for a while. With me liking it anyway. But that's over. I'm back to hating it. And then i realized that i have not photographed well in a LOOOONG time!! I blame the hair! Part of it is my skin as it's been freaking out lately, so my face is red and blotchy, but the hair sure as hell isn't helping! Plus as far as washing...UGH! I should've bought stock in shampoo before growing it out! Not to mention it takes FOREVER to dry!! I try not to use a hair dryer as much as i can, but i can't walk around in wet hair all day either. SO. HIGH. MAINTENANCE!!!!

This is the only good pic of me in
MONTHS!!! And this took WORK!

The other day a friend of ours posted on facebook the most adorable pic of this hair color and the cut that the gal in the pic was rocking? Adorably short! Not pixie short, but short. That was it! I'd been seeing a TON of cute short hair styles posted on facebook for far too long. I was READY!!

I started dinner and while it was baking, i went to the living room where Brooks was relaxing after work. I sat on the couch and looked at him.



I said to him, "Baby? We need to chat".
Him: "Yes love?"
Me: "I know this isn't going to go over well, but I've made a decision"
Him: ....
Me: "I'm cutting my hair. It's time"
Him: "What? But whyyyy??"
Me: "Babe. It's time. I ust can't stand this shit anymore. I'm sorry."
Him: "But it's so pretty!! You never wear it down!"
Me: "That's why though!! Because it's a PAIN IN THE ASS and i hate it!! It's SO much trouble!! I just wear it up all the time anyway, so what's the point?" 
Him: "But it's so pretty!"
Me: "That's not a good enough reason babe. It's gotta go!"
Him: "But...it's pretty!!"
Me: "I find hair EVERYWHERE!!! For real! I find it in my coffee and my sandwiches...damn near on a daily basis! I get it stuck in the car door, or the car window. It clogs the shower drain! And it's EVERYWHERE!!! HAIR EVERYWHERE!!! I feel like a freakin dog who needs to be brushed everyday! It's gotta go babe. I'm sorry. But i need you to get prepared. I'm calling Adam tomorrow"



He got fairly quiet for the rest of the night. Not that he was angry mind you. Thankfully!! I would leave him if he was pissed over my hair! And i'll get to that in a minute. But i think he was really just sad. Or in denial. One of the two. Perhaps a little column A, a little of column B.

It's true that he does love my hair long. But he doesn't have to deal with it everyday. And truth also be told that he is the ONLY person I've ever met who has said that my short hair didn't suit me. WHAT?! Yea. I brought that up too. He's partial. It's a lie. He just prefers long hair to short. But this was a battle he wouldn't win.

See...FUN hair!

When i was a kid i wasn't allowed to get it cut until i was 13. When i got married, my husband wouldn't allow me to get it cut. Yes. You read that right. As if i was his property. He wouldn't allow it. The long term boyfriend after him, wouldn't let me cut it either. No wonder that i had it short for 6 years after that!! I don't take that kindly. A man telling me what i can and cannot do with my own hair. Or anyone for that matter! Anyone who knows me well, knows I'm stubborn to a fault. And I'll stand my ground on things! ESPECIALLY things that trivial! Sounds weird to say that hair is trivial, yet I'll get really pissy if someone tells me what i can and cannot do with it. It's the principal of it.

The next day i did as i said i was going to. I called Adam. I had a slight panic attack while i waited for the phone to his salon to be answered. What if he's not there anymore?! What will i do? I can't have just anyone cut it!! I'll hunt him down if i have to! If he's in NC I'll find him. Thankfully, he was still there. I haven't seen him in almost 2 years! December 2013.

Adam is pretty awesome! He's got a dry sense of humor, but we've never struggled to find things to chat about. He's amazing at what he does too! He knows hair, and the best part...he knows MY hair! Almost better than i do!! The last time i was in and i got the boring librarian cut, he was really wanting me to cave and have him cut it short again. Like he got the clippers out! So i think he's been as ready as i have to cut it off again, was just waiting for me to agree. He's always said it suited me. I can't agree more!! It was easy, fun, and low maintenance! 

The guy who answered the phone seemed to get confused with a few questions i had about color, and put Adam on the phone. Which wasn't really necessary, but i was happy to hear his voice.

Him: "This is Adam"
Me: "Hi Adam! This is Juliana."
Him: "Oh my gawd! HI!!"
Me: "Been a while! I haven't seen you in what...a year and a half?"
Him: "Yes, i think that's about right. Well what's going on?"
Me: "It's time Adam. I'm cutting my hair"
Him: "Just a trim?"
Me: "Oh no! Like chopping this mess OFF!"
Him: "Wow!! OK!!"
Me: "Brooks isn't happy about it, but..."
Him: I could hear him roll his eyes over the phone. "He'll get over it. When?" 

As of today, I've got 10 days left!! 

Now I'm not about to post pics of what I'm getting done. That's no fun! But it'll be short. Not quite as short as i got last time (or in above pics)...that's a bit too far. But I'm wanting something a bit different. Fun, and short, but not pixie short.

So after i get it cut, I'll post the last installment of the Hairy Situation so y'all can see the pics. See ya in 10 days!!


...To Be Continued.

When Does School Go Back?!

Summer is almost over for those rascals running amok around my neighborhood. THANK GOODNESS!! And may i say...IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!! Not that our summer has been totally tainted by these rotten children. It's really only been the last month. I assume because their parents, like normal people, are sick of their kids being home all day!

Teachers aren't paid nearly enough! But that's another discussion for another time i suppose. However, when you think of how long of a day they have in dealing with the shenanigans of rotten kids, they deserve better!!

Over the last month or so, our neighbors have set their kids free to roam and drive the rest of us crazy! Who thought it was ok to share that with the world? It's like living in an African safari!!

'We see the lion cubs watch as the gazelle wanders back to her home retreat. The lion cubs lick their lips as they can feel the nervousness of the gazelle. The gazelle makes eye contact. All playing subsides and the lion cubs stare at the gazelle, unsure of themselves in making an attack, but also wanting to rip the gazelle apart. The lion cubs pose no real threat until the gazelle is safe and back to her herd and away from the cubs. Then they continue tumbling around together, practicing their growls, near enough to the gazelle's herd, so they stay in their retreat and away from the lion cubs'.


This is what's it's been like lately right outside our door. These children play in the afternoon in the breezeway of our apartment building. And they run up and down the stairs outside our front door 100 mph, clomping, screaming, and 'whoo-hooing' all the while.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love kids!! I really do! I have one. And Brooks and i want to have them together, but people who have no respect for their neighbors and let their rotten children out of the house without supervision, who have no manners, i have very little patience for. I know. I sound horrible don't i? And i need to say...these aren't older kids. They're LITTLE!!

The other day i had gotten out of the shower to obsessive knocking on my door. Still wrapped up in my towel i went to answer it, hiding my body behind our door as i cracked it open. Outside there were 3 very young kids selling "treats", which were really just some random something-or-other wrapped up in a plastic sandwich baggie tied with a rubber band. The oldest child was about 7 or 8. The next in line was a girl about 5 and then a little boy who looked like he was about 2, but more than likely was 3. WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?! In this day and age, letting your kids go knock on random doors is NOT SAFE!!

One morning about 8:30am there was screaming outside my door. I hadn't had any coffee as we were out, so i had a Sundrop in my favorite koozie; a Biscuit & Porn camo one from the Outter Banks. Not even thinking about what the soda was 'wearing' i snatched the door open and just stared at the children. 3 of them and our next door neighbors kids. A boy about 10 sitting on my damn door step with a remote control car in his lap, and his two sisters 7 and maybe 12. The boy's eyes were wide and he looked terrified. The girls standing near him, but not on my door step, looked at me and said, "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!!" I snapped at them and said, "This is NOT a playground! There is the playground! Go out there!!", pointing to the grassy area just beyond the steps on the other side of the breezeway. They retreated and i was left in peace. I did tell our manager about it in case she had some pissed off mom in her office later. She said not to worry about it as it was justified.

Another time there were a group of kids, mostly boys, but a couple girls walking on the sidewalk by the cars. I had the truck that day and happened to be in my craft room working on some things on the table that faced the window. I had the window slightly open to let in a bit of fresh air since the paints i was working with had a bit of a smell. I heard them talking and then all of a sudden it was quiet, but i could see them. We live on the second floor. I glanced out the window and saw one of the boys fling a baggie of dog crap onto our truck. This was long before they knew i was the "scary lady". This was the meeting of her. I snatched the window open and yelled down to them, "HEY!! I SEE YOU! YOU'D BETTER GET THAT DOG CRAP OFF THAT CAR NOOOOOOW!! I WILL TELL YOUR PARENTS!!" Most of the kids took off running except for the smallest boy who looked terrified, and like he was about to pee his pants. I repeated myself to remove the baggie or i would tell his mother. He stood on his tip toes and removed the baggie, and took off running, carrying the baggie with him. I was livid! Mostly because they'd done this before, as I've seen the baggies, but never saw who actually did it. I called the manager.

 "We see the lion cubs once again playing together. They look so cute and innocent. They notice a zebra off in the distance. The playing stops once again, and they stare at the zebra. The zebra sees them...unsure of what their plan is. Will they hunt the zebra, or leave him be? The zebra continues to graze, while keeping his eyes peered onto the lion cubs. The cubs slowly creep towards the zebra on their bellies as to not be noticed. The zebra sees them. He knows what's about to happen, but has another plan. The lion cubs continue to creep and are getting closer to the young zebra. The zebra turns his back to the cubs, and as they get closer to him, he darts off kicking up dirt behind him. The cubs are so pleased with themselves, they decide to go down to the watering hole to see if they can scare the hippos". 

Perhaps it's because i don't know these children. I'd like to remain in the "ignorance is bliss" category with my friends' children and "know" that their kids would never behave like these gremlins because their parents actually care what their kids are doing, and where they are. Our apartment manager keeps telling me school will be back in session soon, but for some of these kids, that won't matter because they're so young. We may get some peace in the day time, but that's really not when they're the most obnoxious. It's in the late afternoon/evening when the office is closed! They're smart. I'll give em' that! They know no one can complain if they wait late enough to be annoying.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Perhaps i should lighten up. But then again, we pay to live here, just like their parents who are getting a somewhat quiet afternoon, unlike their neighbors, because they've sent their kids to go play outside. But wouldn't playing out on the swings and the grass be better than playing on a dirty carpeted floor of the stairwell? I dunno. I was taught to respect the neighbors, and your elders, and others. Kids nowadays have no respect. Or maybe they do, just not for the mean lady who lives at the top of the stairs.

Pull up Some Couch

I went to counseling today. I haven't been in counseling for a long while now. I went for a while back in Oregon around 2003 or so. And it was helpful for a while...and then i stopped going once my schedule got crazy with school and work. I just couldn't keep it going.

In 2013 i went to a therapist at UNCG for a couple weeks. I didn't have a good vibe about their people and the lady i was seeing sent me to see a psychiatrist to prescribe medication for anxiety. He refused to give me any anxiety meds that I could take when i felt anxious, as it wasn't all the time. Just when i had to talk to my ex-husband or his horrible wife. So instead he gave me Zoloft for it which i had terrible side affects from. He was an asshat to talk to on top of that, so i never went back.

I don't agree with people who think that going to see a counselor or therapist (i use the two interchangeably in this post) is for the "crazy" people. No one is perfect. And i will never think that there is anyone who is. We all have baggage. We all have things that have happened in our life that is hard to deal with. A therapist is exactly what is needed sometimes. Someone impartial and who can help you deal with some things. There are plenty of people who have never thought about going to see someone, but just because you haven't gone, or even thought about it, doesn't make you a better person than those who seek help. It doesn't make the people who seek out help weak or pathetic, or lesser because of it.

For me, i guess you could say i have a lot of baggage. I'll admit that. In a nut shell i have issues with my father, the death of my sister, my grandma's passing, my first marriage and the divorce, my son, my self-esteem. I have trust issues, being an adult, being comfortable in my own skin, and my life goals and path. Since finding my aunt, i have issues with my grandparents passing, my younger brother's accident and death, as well as missing out on so much over the last 36 years, as well as a whole new mess of crap and anger towards my father. Sounds like a lot doesn't it? I thought so too. Which is why i picked up the phone.

When i told Brooks that i was going to counseling a few weeks ago, after i made the appointment, he seemed upset. He said that he felt like a "failure" because he couldn't help me through these things. But i told him that it wasn't his job to fix me. I needed someone who was impartial. And who was trained to do so. It was too much to vent to my friends and some family members. I didn't want those relationships to suffer because i was "always bitching about my problems". While he understood, i think he felt bad that he wasn't doing more to help me cope. But it's not like i tell him every thought and feeling i have. I mean, i do share a lot with him, and he knows me better than i know myself, but there are things that i just have a hard time opening up to him about, and sometimes he's not sure what to say back. And i really need feedback! And again...i don't want our relationship to suffer because of any of this.

After my grandfather's passing last month, it's opened a huge can of worms. It's brought to the surface a lot of anger towards my father. And i think for good reason. But it's something i have no idea how to deal with, and move past. Friends keep saying i need to "forgive him and let it go", or "get over it", to which I've wanted to say, 'NO SHIT SHERLOCK! But i have no idea how to do that!!' Not helpful at all. So I needed help.

Today's appointment was for 90 minutes. 90 minutes talking about yourself sounds kinda great on one hand. But after the first 15 i struggled. While i am the type of person who needs to vent things on occasion, and feels better after doing so usually, talking about my life in such details and over such a long period of time was a lot. I felt tired and a little wiped out afterwards. Which my counselor did say that can happen. She said that often times in the beginning people feel exhausted after a session because of all the things they talk about. I've brought up a lot of things in my past that i never dealt with and it's emotionally draining.

At the end of this first session, she looked at me and said, quite frankly, "You've dealt with a lot of loss in your life. The family who's passed away, and the family who wasn't there. That's a lot for one person to deal with." I never thought about it like that. But she was right.


My mom always thought it odd that i was going to therapy back in 03'. She never understood why anyone would go to therapy when there wasn't a "good" reason. To her i guess a "good" reason to go would be is if you were insane. She didn't understand that therapy is a good and helpful thing for people who have lost those that were close to them in their lives, on top of a multitude of other reasons. And it's nothing to be ashamed of! I remember when i told her about my therapy sessions back then. It was over the phone, but i could picture my mom as she said "*tisk* Why?" I was taken aback and for the first time i realized that my mom wasn't supportive of the idea of therapy. Maybe she thought that if i was going to therapy, then she was a bad mom. I'm not sure. She never brought it up again, and after that, i didn't tell her about it, or the fact that i had been on anti-depressants for a while. I've never told her any of that, or my battle with depression. She doesn't 'believe' in depression.

My first experience with loss was with my sister Kim. I was 16 when she died. And it's something that i don't think I'll ever get over. Not that I'm trying to. I just need some help to deal with that loss and the pain I've felt since. After she died i kinda went off the deep end. It's a miracle i didn't turn to drugs. But i started partying at 16 years old. Would come home drunk. Ran away at 17 for a few months. As an adult i can say with total certainty that was my outcry for help. But no one around me saw it. They were all so swept up with their own remorse and grief no one saw that i was struggling. And i don't blame anyone for that. I get it. But i do find it sad that i didn't get help back then. To this day, 20 years later, my mom still calls that time in my life my "weird phase".  I've tried talking to her and pointing out why i think that happened. But she pretends not to hear me and changes the subject.

My new therapist said that i have trust issues as well. Not that that was a total surprise, but she continued, "Your trust issues stem from leaning to your family for support when you were younger, and them not hearing you or being there for you". I thought that was very interesting, as no one has ever said that before, and it's nothing I'd ever thought of. But i think she's absolutely right. Not that I'm looking to "blame" anyone!

I think my other reason in seeking a professional, is because in the past, i have opened up to people i thought were friends and felt totally judged. And let's all admit it...we've all judged people. And let's be honest...it's no ones place to judge anyone else. However, i do think that's why a lot of folks put on the happy smile, and look like everything is fine. They don't want people to judge them. I get that. But it's not helpful to the person going through hard things in their life, to have to play pretend so their "friends" won't judge them. I mean really!! No one should have to hide.

All this to say...I'm looking forward to future sessions with her. She said the next one she'll have a treatment plan. She also said that with all the things that have happened in my life, that this will be work. It won't be easy, and there is no easy fix for this. It's going to be a lot. And in digging deeper, there will be days where I'm emotionally drained. She said she may have homework for me in the future, as she wants me to write a letter to my father. Not send it of course, but it'll be helpful to put my feelings on paper to him. I've actually already planned to do that, just to get my feelings off my chest, so it's nice that we're on the same page.

I don't share this with you to get the "good for you" or the "you're so brave to share this!" comments. I share it because i think we have a very closed minded society when it comes to mental health. People aren't supposed to talk about their issues, their anger, their struggles in their life. We're all supposed to put on a happy smile and hide what's bothering us. That's a pretty messed up way to live if you ask me! Let's open up! Let's speak out! Let's seek help if we need it!! So i share this to open up a dialog.

I've already posted my battle with depression, and so you know i feel this way. So i post this to share with the world...I'm not broken because I'm seeking counseling. I'm not worthless. And I'm not crazy. And the rest of the folks out there who have issues they need help in dealing with...seek some assistance. It's more than ok to do so! No matter what has happened in your past, you are a worthwhile person!!

I think if we can share things with others, even if that's over coffee with a confidant, or through counseling, maybe things will start to change. It'd be a good start anyway.

View from the TOP!

I don't even know where to begin! Today has been AMAZING!! And it started out so...odd. It was an earlier than normal morning. Brooks had to be at work at 8am vs. 9:30, and somehow i got confused so I was running late. Took him to work, stopped at the grocery store to get coffee because I've been out for the last few days and went home so i could have said coffee and then get ready to go run some errands.

Before i could even finish the second cup of Joe, my phone rang. It was the gal i had interviewed with last week. I didn't even think about the fact that it could go one of two ways...either good news or bad, i just answered.

*    *    *

I interviewed with a company last week at a "sip and paint" studio. Even JUST getting an interview felt WONDERFUL!! I've been unemployed 4 years this July. And not because i "want " to be. But because now that we live in a smaller town without public transit and only have one vehicle, my options are very limited. I didn't give up though. I applied to every job there was!! Gas stations, donut shops, places at the mall (gulp!!), Target and even Walmart. Each resume or application i sent out would give me one of two things; A) no response or B) a response telling me that i was "overqualified". How can you be overqualified to work at freakin Walmart?! I was starting to really get down on myself. I hadn't gotten an interview in nearly 3 years, and it was certainly affecting my spirit. I had my little Etsy shop, but since it's primarily based around the holidays, it's not something that brings in a real income. Nothing dependable anyway. Granted i LOVE it, but i needed more. I needed to feel better about myself! I wanted a job for ME!! Something i could be proud of. Pay taxes, and help with bills. I wanted to be able to buy Brooks a birthday present with money i earned instead of taking out of our account. Simple really.

So i had a plan! I was going to get my insurance license so i could go back to work. Perhaps it wasn't something I'd always wanted to do. Perhaps it wasn't my dream job by any means, but it was a solid plan! And i was looking forward to the day where i had a good job again. Then that balloon busted. I found out aside from the class i had to take that was $260, i had the exam, licensing, finger printing and processing fees to pay for. That would be another $300!! There was no way we could afford that! Brooks and i discussed it and decided that we could save that money perhaps over the next year, and try again next summer. I was bummed out. That was my only plan. And now i had no plan. The backup plan was really far away and i felt i needed to go back to work now!! I was beyond ready! Something had to give soon, right?

Then it got worse. A little over a month ago, a family member-to-be posted a really horrible comment to a post of mine on FB. This person got very brave behind their keyboard and i said later that I'd bet money that they wouldn't have ever said that crap to my face! The gist of the comment was that i needed to "get a life" and how i clearly had "no life" due to all the "bullshit" i post constantly, and why didn't i "get a job and get off your ass"! To say i was devastated is an understatement. I was SO hurt i burst into tears and had a bit of a panic attack over it. Then the next day this person's other immediate relative posted a comment that said they "love when someone who isn't a contributing member of society likes to have an opinion on society". To say that was a burn is also a vast understatement. It was below the belt! WAY below!! Hey pot? Guess what? YOU'RE BLACK!!

It took me a few weeks to move past the sadness and hurt before i felt angry about it. Who the hell did they think they were to say that? And if anyone wanted to be upset about my 4 years of unemployment, Brooks is the ONLY one who could. And guess what? He wasn't! They didn't know our situation! Not to mention, it's not like they were much of "contributing member of society" either! Oh if i could only share the whole story!! But i won't. I don't want to be charged with slander.

At that point i was at a new low point. I wanted so much to go back to work, but due to my half of a degree with UNCG and my associates in Graphic Design and those jobs are SUPER competitive, i just felt like it would never change. Which is why i had planned to get my insurance license. It would have been a career that i could always find a job with, had benefits, good pay. I felt like it would be good, perhaps not the best fit for me since i am not a big phone person, but I'd suck it up and do what was necessary as i was out of options. So after that didn't work out, then the FB debacle, i was pretty bummed out. And it was becoming very apparent.

Brooks and i went to this restaurant at the beginning of July with some friends, and we bought one of their really awesome t-shirts for a few bucks. He wore it one day as we said we'd share it. So the day he wore it for the first time a few weeks ago, I poked a little fun and said "Hey! You're wearing my shirt" and he jokingly replied, "Well i figure...I bought it" I damn near burst into tears. The look on my face apparently was pretty horrendous and he felt terrible! Before the FB crap it wouldn't have bothered me, but i was SO overly sensitive now that it wasn't even funny. I knew it. He knew it. And sadly there wasn't anything either of us could really do about it. Just wait for it to hopefully pass.

A week or so later i was online and decided to go check out what was in the Craigslist job postings. Never found much, but i figured ya never know.  Low and behold i found a position that was pretty perfect for me. It was for a sip and paint art studio and they were looking for an art instructor and for creative assistants. I figured I'd apply for both and see what happened. I sent in a few samples of my work, my fancy artsy resume, actually wrote a new cover letter (which i hate doing), and clicked send. Later the next day i received an email from the gal who owned the studio asking to please fill out their online applications. I felt that was a good sign since no one ever emailed me about anything like that before!! But i wasn't holding my breath.

The following week i got a call from her asking me to come in for an interview!! SCORE!! I was SO thrilled about just that part i could hardly contain myself!! I was going to be positive no matter what! I felt that even (worst case scenario) if i didn't get the position, at least i got an interview! And that was more than i've gotten in 3 years! So off i went!

The interview went great, even though i walked into the door of the office on my way out (KLUTZ much?!), and they sent me onto the phone interview with their partner and artist who runs their New Jersey studio. I was much more nervous about that one than i was with the face to face interview, but it went well. The gal up north was just as nice as the folks here. And i enjoyed the conversation and info from her.

Today when the phone rang i didn't stop to think about not getting the job. I didn't think about how devastated i might be if the news wasn't good. I just answered. I'll thank the lack of caffeine for once on that one.

"Hello?" I said in my most cheery morning voice. And yes, that does take work. ;)

"Hi Juliana! I'd like to offer you the position of art instructor!"

I held in the screaming that was in my head and thanked her! She and i chatted about what to do next week with paperwork and official opening of the studio. I pressed the 'end call' button on my phone and briefly looked at it to make sure it was indeed 'off' before i bellowed out into happy profanities and ridiculous dancing in the living room!! Then i texted Brooks before i posted to FB or texted or called anyone else. I wanted him to know first!

*    *    *

I literally feel like I'm on top of the freakin world right now!! Today's been an AWESOME day!! I feel like I've accomplished something! Like i could take on a bear and win!!! Like Jack standing on the bow of the Titanic with his arms stretched wide!!

I want to tell those nasty people who made such ugly comments to SUCK IT! But I've already given them too much power over my feelings, and this, this immense piece of wonderfulness is MINE! I've shared with my true friends & family and for ALL of their positivity, encouragement and good vibes and prayers, i am SO grateful! If the heart wasn't able to contain so much gratitude and happiness, i am sure it would have exploded by now! Certainly glad it can! Because my heart is BURSTING!!!!!  If we could afford it, I'd buy myself flowers!! :)

Though only part-time, it's doing what i love! Doing what I'm GOOD at!! And doing what I'm passionate about! How many people can say that about their jobs? I really wish more could! I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now!! Like i just hit the lottery!! And like I'm finally on the path that I'm truly meant for!!

Lack of A Bump

Of all my posts, and yea...i know there have been some that were very personal, this one takes the cake of personal posts!! It's more personal than all the others all wrapped together!

This post is very personal. And it's been a long time coming i suppose. I've wanted to say something about what's been going on, but I've waited. I waited for a couple reasons. 1) I wanted to have all the info. I didn't want to do a two or even three part post about it as i got new info. 2) I wasn't 100% i wanted to share this with the internet. But I've been thinking about this for a while now...if i share this, and a woman from...i don't know, somewhere far away, reads this and maybe it can help her get a little closer to starting a family of her own, then it was worth posting!! So for that woman somewhere in North Dakota or Iowa, or wherever i share this story for you!!

We've been dealing with a bit of fertility issues. We've been talking about having children together since we met. At least one! Last January we got our wish! I was pregnant. We were ecstatic!! There weren't possibly any happier people on the planet than us! Sure, maybe a bit nervous and slightly terrified, but that's normal when a little tiny person is on their way! We wanted to tell the whole world, but decided on only a few close people for the time being.

Sadly by the end of February, and my first prenatal appointment at 8 weeks, we had miscarried. We were devastated!! We were SO excited about the news. And to be so close to actually getting what you've been wanting for so long, to have it ripped from you so suddenly...there really aren't words to express what it felt like for us. We were a mess!! It was easily the darkest days we've ever experienced as a couple.

I stayed in my sweats for weeks. I refused to leave the apartment. I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone...i wanted to be left the hell alone. Clearly i was depressed. I turned to my new friends, Ben & Jerry. I'd meet up with them each evening after dinner...they were comforting. Brooks did too. He liked them. But sadly, those 2 weeks of meeting up with them each night, wasn't good for me. I gained about 20 pounds. Which made the depression worse.

When i would go out or to the store, or to run some errands, I'd find myself sobbing down the chip isle because i heard a baby cry from 5 isles away. I tried to shield my eyes from women with babies, or women with obvious bumps...new daddies proudly showing off their little ones to the cashier. I'd ignore all the pregnant women at my doctor's office waiting room. I tried to stay off Facebook during the day as during that time it seemed that each week someone i was friends with would post their wonderful pregnancy news. Everyone was pregnant but me. 

Over the next few months we missed out on a lot of things with our friends. There was a goodbye party for some friends who were moving back to South Carolina that we were invited to during those dark days. We were planning to go. But i knew they had a small child, i think he was about 1 1/2 at the time. I burst into hysterics about an hour before we were supposed to leave. We both sat sobbing on the couch together. We just couldn't rally enough to be there, even for a few minutes. It was too much.

There were other friend functions we missed out on. A couple baby showers that we would have loved to attend, but with all that we had just lost, and been through, we weren't able to pull it together. There was a birthday party about a week and a half after we found out we miscarried that i was supposed to be at. I was trying so hard to go just for a little bit. One drink i told myself. But i couldn't do it. Sadly that friendship isn't one any longer, i suppose for a couple reasons on both sides.


Over the next few months i went through several appointments with my OBGYN to see if there was a problem. Though at that time there wasn't a reason to do anything terribly "invasive", the scan i did have didn't show anything of concern. My doc gave me her blessing and said to start trying again as soon as we were ready.

My doc is a specialist for high risk patients. I'm type 1 diabetic. And i have a thyroid disorder/disease (depending on who you talk to), so I'm not the average 35 year old woman trying to get pregnant. I've got health issues on top of my age. Therefore my window is a bit smaller than the average woman.  Though my docs do say i'm in very good heath right now, so there's that!! I trust my doc wholeheartedly when she's suggested certain things. I know she knows her shit, and for that i am truly grateful!! She's not a live wire who will suggest surgery for things that aren't necessary, or put me on drugs for no reason.  She is very smart, and beyond medically qualified!! She knows my medical history almost better than i do, but ask any of my friends...most don't.

A year had gone by and still nothing. I'd done it all. I'd gotten the ovulation tests, I'd changed my diet, cut out caffeine and alcohol, taken all the prenatal vitamins i could find, got Brooks on vitamins, I'd had other blood tests done, and counted the ovulation days. In October, I told Brooks that i wanted to go see my doc about it since we're both over 35 and it'd been over 6 months. We decided to wait until January. So even though he felt like it was a waste of money to go in if she said everything was 'fine', we went anyway. In my gut, i knew something wasn't right.I know my body very well...and there was something wrong.

She ran a blood panel on me, did an analysis on him, and i went in for a HSG (a dye test to look at the fallopian tubes for a blockage). My blood work came back and was normal. The analysis came back and was also normal. But my HSG showed scar tissue in my uterus. My doc said that it was more than likely why I've miscarried twice and why we haven't been able to get pregnant again. It is fixable with surgery, and most women who undergo the surgery go on to have very healthy babies.

I went in for surgery on the 23rd of April. It was fairly quick and i wasn't in the hospital overnight. It was an out-patient procedure. I had the BEST anesthesia team, and if i ever need anything else done...i'm requesting that guy again! Granted, that's easy to say when they give you drugs, but seriously...Dr. Moore was awesome!! It took a little over an hour all together. Brooks said the waiting nearly killed him. No one ever came out after the first hour to say, "Hey! It's ok...it's just taking a little longer than planned. Don't worry. It's going well!" Nothing! But, when it was finally over my doc came to talk to him.

The surgery went VERY well and my doc was very pleased with how it all went. She managed to clear out the scar tissue and even some that wasn't on the original scans. She put a "balloon" into my uterus that was filled with 3cc of saline, so that the walls wouldn't collapse onto each other and we'd have to do this again to try to fix that! I was happy with that decision. Even though that balloon was less than comfortable and it was easily the longest 10 days of my life!! On day 10 I went in for my post-op appointment and she removed the balloon. Honestly, with the tubes that were hanging out, i expected it to be BIG. It was tiny!! Like super tiny!! Maybe the size of a quarter all filled up. I felt like a total tool! Clearly i didn't realize just how small the uterus actually was. Now the process of pregnancy is even more amazing!! A woman's tubes are tiny and delicate like threads of a shirt. The uterus is so small but stretches immensely to accommodate a growing baby. Amazing!!

At the end of that appointment, my doc told me again that i just have to wait one cycle and we can try again. She is very confident that this was the issue and that having that surgery fixed it. I saw the original scans. The radiologist showed them to me the day i had the HSG test. I saw my uterus misshapen and odd looking. I've seen the scans from the surgery. The before and after of my uterus. It looked a lot like planet Venus. Kind of ironic when you think about it. And my doc said, to reassure me yet one more time, that she has had a lot of other patients who've had this surgery go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. Plural!!


Over the last year, I've heard all kinds of comments from well intending folks. And i know it comes from a place of love. But now that i know what the problem is, I'm pissed i didn't go in sooner!! I listened when people said to "relax", "it'll happen when it happens", and  "maybe this is God's way of saying it's not time yet" or "Well if it's meant to be it'll be but there's really nothing you can do about it". Just STOP!! 

Here's the thing, unless you have actually walked a mile in someone's shoes, you don't know what this is like! And all the well intended comments don't actually help!! It does nothing but cause the anguish and frustration to be even more apparent. So please, before you make one of those comments, read this list. It's not too long. Just for god sake...know your freakin audience!!

My list of the worst things you can say to a couple struggling to get pregnant, and suggestions on what to say instead: 

 

"You can always do IVF."

 

Do you have ANY idea how much IVF costs?! It's crazy expensive!! ONE treatment (which is one cycle...for ONE month) can cost anywhere from $12,000 - $25,000. For ONE cycle!!!

"You need to relax. All that stressing is causing your infertility."

 

This is a big fat myth!! Sadly even docs repeat it!! There are studies out there about this. Everyday stress doesn't have a negative affect on fertility! If it was true, the population of the planet would be MUCH less!! Think about it.

"Maybe you're not meant to be parents."

 

This is probably one of the meanest things you can say to another human being!! Who made you God anyway? No one knows why bad things happen to good people. So don't pretend to.

"But you're so young! You have plenty of time to get pregnant."

 

This is also total BS. Yes, age CAN have an affect on fertility, but there are tons of 20-somethings who also struggle with infertility. And there are several things that worsen with time. Like endometriosis for example.

"So, whose fault is it? His or hers?"

 

DO NOT BLAME!!!! Rude much?! Just because someone tells you about their fertility troubles, doesn't give you any right to ask this detail of them!! It's painful for many people to talk about, and telling people that they are struggling is hard enough!!

"It could be worse. It could be cancer."

 

Just don't!! Who made you the compassion police anyway?

"Whatever you do, don't give up. It'll happen!"

 

While this may seem reassuring to say, it gives false hope. It also translates from "Don't give up" to "Stop complaining!! It's not a big deal anyway" when it's said.

"I can’t imagine what you’re going through."

 

This is just lame! When said, you are distancing yourself from the other person. Basically saying that you "Don't want to imagine what they are going through and are going to distance yourself from that person and this experience".

"You're crazy to want children!"

 

I know a lot of folks who don't want children. That's for every couple to decide on their own. It's a personal choice. And that's totally fine!! I always say that that's a great thing to know about yourself!! BUT, just because you don't want, or ever wanted kids, doesn't mean everyone else shares your choice on the matter. And just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean you are right! It's for them to decide. Be supportive. Be a friend. Don't be an ass.

"Things happen for a reason."  

 

Oh one of the WORST!!! Ugh. This just makes the person feel worse. Suggesting that it's part of "destiny" or the "grand plan" will only reinforce the negative feelings they already have.

"Well obviously you're not pregnant yet, since you're (insert drink, cigarette, eating sushi or drinking caffinated beverage here)."

For the love of all things in the universe...DON'T SAY THIS!!! EVER!!! To anyone for that matter!! Who are you? The things police?! UGH!!!

  

Things to say instead: 

• Tell them you care. Often couples who go through a miscarriage or find out they are infertile will grieve like someone who has lost a loved one. Be there for them in the same way you would a grieving friend. 
• "Do you want to talk about _____?" This shows your friend you are supportive. Research the things they are going through without making any assumptions. It shows your friend that you are invested in what's going on in their life. 
• "I'm always here if you want to talk" and mean it!! Be there for your friend! Put yourself in their shoes. If you were going though something very difficult, wouldn't you want your friend to be there for you? 
• "You're braver than you realize". Going through infertility is scary!! And there is a lot of unknowns, and things to be afraid of. Saying this to your friend will help them see that you are in their corner and supportive of what they are going through.
• "How are you doing?" This is just kindness at it's best! Ask this, and truly want to know the answer. Listen when they tell you how they are.

There ya go. Now you've got some ideas.

For us, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. My doc did a surgery, and I've healed. And that should fix the issue, and hopefully we'll be on our way to starting a family together soon. But for SO many women out there, there is no easy button!! (Isn't it odd to put surgery in the easy category?) And for a lot of women doing daily injections of hormones, pills, IVF, or IUI's and they still don't get a baby, is incredibly unfair!! So the next time you hear a co-worker or a woman in line at the grocery store, or at your docs office, talk about how hard it's been for her to get pregnant, don't say things without thinking!!

The Missing Piece

I swear, I'm so excited to post this one, i almost wrote it at midnight last night!! So those of you who know me well, know i didn't grow up with my dad in my life. He wasn't part of it in anyway shape or form. Many of my friends don't know that, but now ya do. I always wanted to know who he was and more importantly, where i came from. I had missing pieces in my life because he wasn't in my life, and i didn't know anything about that side of my family. Answering a medical questionnaire has always been difficult because i didn't have any of that information.

My mom had always kept him secret. She refused to tell me about him or who he was. Then one Christmas a few years ago, i had flown home for the holidays and she shocked the hell out of me. She gave me a box with his picture in it and his last known whereabouts. He lived in Bend Oregon, my home town and his name was Mark. I had enough to go on to do a little research online and i found him with Facebook's help. I looked up his number and decided to call him.

That conversation did not go well. It ended in tears. He denied my very existence and told me, "I don't know what your mom was smokin, but you're not mine. That's impossible!" A man who worked for Research & Development in his company...claiming a relationship with a woman for over a year couldn't produce a child? He wasn't as smart as i thought he was. I got off the phone and sat with my sister and my mom, crying. My mom said that's why she had hid him for so long. She didn't want to see me upset. But i insisted that i was fine. That was his choice and i had finally tried to know him and that was his choice not to. I didn't call him again.

Four years have gone by and over those years i did think about him. I thought about my brothers and my aunt. I knew they were out there, but after that phone call i decided not to pursue any of them in case they were just like him. Even though I'd managed to put them out of mind for 4 year (or so i thought), they'd peek back every now and then. And each time they did I'd go do something to distract myself. I'd paint, listen to some music, clean house, read a book or magazine...anything so i wouldn't think about them. But one night a few weeks ago they came creeping back into my head. I hadn't thought of any of them in almost a year, so it was strange that all of a sudden here were the thoughts of those people i didn't know. I'd woken up in the middle of the night. I got up, splashed some cold water on my face and went back to bed. I figured it was too hot in our bedroom (which it usually is) and i'd be back to sleep in no time. It took 2 hours to get back to dream land. I kept thinking about the aunt who didn't know about me, my brother, my dad...even though he's the last person i want to hear from at this point. I decided i needed to write a letter. My last ditch effort to see if anyone was out there who actually wanted to get to know me. My mom had actually suggested i write a letter to my aunt 4 years prior, but after that phone call i just couldn't do it. I didn't want to. But it was time.

The next day i spent a couple of hours writing the letter to my aunt. It was 6 pages, single spaced (i had to write it on the computer because my hands cramp up too much and my writing is almost illegible) and there were 5 pages of pics as well. This letter was nearly 36 years in the making, so writing a quick, "Hey...I'm your niece. Call me" just wasn't going to cut it. I figured with all the scams out in the world right now, the more detailed the better. I told her everything i knew. Told her about the conversation with Mark 4 years prior. I told her about me personally. Who i was, what I've done. Everything i could think of that may matter.

But i had one problem. I didn't have her name or address. I knew there was an aunt...just didn't know what her name was. It took me a couple weeks to manage to find her address. I had a friend helping me in finding the rest of my family, but we hadn't had much luck at that point. It wasn't until i was emailing my sister about it and couldn't remember the details about my grandma on dad's side that i managed to find my aunt. I had googled my grandma again and this time, after a good 10 other searches, her full obituary popped up. There it was in black and white...."Irene Thompkins survived by her husband, and two children; son Mark, and daughter Linda". She was a hard woman to find for sure, but i decided not to take that as some sign not to send the letter. Before i could rethink it and back out, i opened the letter again, added a few things and printed it. I signed it and stuffed it in the envelope, slapped a Janis Joplin stamp on the corner, and ran down to the mailbox to send it. As soon as it was in that locked box, the second thoughts crept in. But it was too late. It'd been sent.

It's been two weeks since sending that letter. I was beginning to assume that like i said in my letter, that she didn't want anything to do with me and that no reply was her reply. I promised in the letter that i wouldn't contact her again, that the ball was totally in her court after that. I needed to get over this and let it go. At least it was some sort of closure.

Last night as i was cleaning up from dinner, my phone rang. I didn't hear it, but Brooks brought it to me in the kitchen and he said, "Hey babe...it's a Bend number". I looked at it, hands in suds and recognized the number immediately. I looked at Brooks and said, "Oh my gawd!! It's my aunt! I think it's my aunt!!" I dried my hands and we went out to our sun porch. There was a message. I clicked on the 'speaker' and we listened. She was crying, and said that she had gotten my letter and she was so happy to finally hear from me. I couldn't believe it!! She was HAPPY!! And crying over me!! I had prepared myself for the worst. I prepared myself for a "Don't ever contact me again!" type of call. But i hadn't thought it would turn out good!! So i didn't prepare for that. I looked at Brooks and he said, "Well...what do you want to do love? Are you going to call her back?" I had tears in my eyes. I said, "Well i know i can't sleep until i do! I have to call her!! Omg! I"m going to talk to my aunt!! Oh!! I need a glass of wine!! " We went inside and i poured a glass of wine. I was shaking. I couldn't believe it!! Brooks hugged me. I started crying and said, "I've always wondered if this would happen!! You know? I watched all those TV shows where a character finds their long lost dad or aunt or uncle and always wondered...why can't that be me?? And now it is! It's me!! This is happening!!" I went back to the sun porch. Took a deep breath. Brook said that he'd be right on the other side of the door, and if i needed him, to tap on the glass. In case something happens where it's not going well and i need to get off the phone. He kissed me and closed the door behind him. I clicked on her number. Her phone rang...

She answered and sounded so nice. I told her who i was...and she started shrieking through tears!! She told me she was beyond happy to hear from me finally!! She'd wanted to know who i was all my life! She told me that there had been rumors in our small town that Mark had fathered a child, and she knew my mom's first name, but that was it. A friend of theirs had told her about me when i was about 2 years old. She had always wanted to find me and she had carried around a lot of resentment towards my dad for not telling her about me, not being part of my life and for not taking care of me. She said that he was a difficult person and thought he lived in denial about me. She told me that when her son had a child at 18, he got very upset over it. Apparently it was too close to home for him. Then she said to me, "Oh honey, believe me when i say...it's his loss!!" My aunt said that!! About her own brother!! I've had a lot of friends say that, but it wasn't the same. Always appreciated, but it wasn't the same. So for her to say it, meant the world. As for the two weeks since i sent the letter, she said she has moved so it took it a while to get forwarded. She got it yesterday!

We talked for about 45 minutes. About a lot of things. Mostly about family. She does genealogy and apparently i am related to Henry VIII!! Lol!! She said that she'd fill me in on everyone and who they were and where I've come from. She told me about my family medical history on that side...which isn't the best, but at least i can fill out forms correctly now. She told me she was going to make me a family scrapbook and that i may get sick of hearing from her as this wouldn't be the only phone call. I told her that I'd been looking for her my entire life and now that i had her, an aunt of my very own, i wasn't ever going to get sick of hearing from her!! My mom was an only child so my "aunt and uncle" were actually my grandma's brother and sister-in-law. Who i adored, but sadly they've been gone for a while now.

We also figured out that we are VERY similar!! We're both very crafty (so i finally figured out where my talent comes from!! My grandmother on dad's side was an artist/crafter as well!!), we're procrastinators, we both think of strangers as friends we haven't met yet, we scrapbook, we love nature and animals, and we both ramble when we talk. I COME BY IT NATURALLY FOLKS!!! 

To say I'm excited and happy, is an understatement!! I'm not sure i can even put it into words what it's been like not knowing the other side of my family. 35+ years. 35 years of NOT knowing where i come from. Not knowing the other side. I know plenty of people who don't know the other side of their family and are fine with it. But I've never been fine with that. There have been many tears shed over the years for them.

Once in high school i knew this guy in my math class. He was teasing me about my hair line. He asked me if my dad was bald. I said i didn't know. He asked how i didn't know. He didn't understand. I burst into tears and said i didn't know my dad. He was blown away. He felt terrible for teasing me and from that point on we were good friends and he looked out for me like a little sister. That's just one story.

Now I'm not saying that my mom's side wasn't great. And I'm not saying that my sisters weren't awesome either. NO!! I'm not saying that!! I'm thankful every single day that i was blessed with two wonderful sisters, my zany mom, and my beautiful grandma. But for me, I've always had this nagging feeling that there were missing pieces. And those missing pieces i wanted to know. If nothing else, I'm stubborn to a fault. And in this respect, my stubbornness is a good thing. I was too damned stubborn to not look for her.  To let it go and be "ok" with not knowing i tried. If nothing else, my life is wrapped around, "I tried". Even if it doesn't go the way i want. At least i tried.

This morning i woke up wondering if i had dreamt it all. Nope. I didn't dream it. It happened. I talked to my aunt, and she's really sweet, and is happy to have found me after all these years. I found a missing piece!! This is the start of something wonderful for sure, and i couldn't be happier about it!!

Quiet Blessings

Today a friend who i haven't heard from in a while, posted on my FB wall and asked how we were doing. Well i am tired of my own complaints and replied that we are pretty good. But as the day has worn on, i kept thinking about that question. Seems simple enough...."How are you?" What went through my head at the time of reading that question was that I'm overweight, gluten intolerant...broke, going on 4 years of unemployment, bored...the list was long.

A little while later while scrolling FB, another friend of mine posted this pic on her wall...just when i needed it most!

As i kept thinking about that simple little question, along with this image it got me to thinking about all the wonderful things i do have going on!!

• I'm working out again!! And I'm feeling pretty darn good about that! It's been over 5 years since I've graced the doors of a gym, and while it's difficult some days to find the energy or ambition to go, I'm going. Mainly because Brooks is going, and i have the truck...as the reason to make me go!! As much as i don't want to admit it, i kinda let myself go for the last couple years. And I'm tired of feeling sluggish and embarrassed by how i look lately. So I'm doing something about it!! And that feels pretty good!!

• I'm working on something that I've been "thinking" about for a few years. I'm FINALLY starting my food blog. It's not up and live yet, and that'll take several months since i want my blog to have MY recipes on it. Not other peoples. And i want to take pics of all the recipes for it, and there needs to be more than one recipe on there before it goes live. And while it's certainly not an overnight process, I'm finally doing it!! And I'm pretty excited about it!

•  I'm starting a new painting! I've been going back and fourth on it for several weeks but today i decided that i am going for it!! I'll be doing a painting of Janis Joplin, all in grey scale. I've been prepping the canvas for several days, and it still needs another coat of gesso before i can start it, but it's in the works! I'm slightly terrified of how it'll turn out as i don't paint people...for a reason. But then...i paint for me now, so if it's not exact, I'm ok with that. Doing something artistic for no other reason than because i want to. Which is pretty fun!!

• We're getting amped up for our annual camping trip!! I could not be MORE excited about it!! It's something that has become very special to me, and i eagerly look forward to it each year. This year is no exception!! Sun, heat, the outdoors, friends...a perfect mix!!

• Spring is on it's way!! FINALLY!!!  The weather this past week has been GLORIOUS!! I got a sunburn on my nose last Saturday (which is now peeling...ahh....the first signs of spring!!), and this week, while it's been overcast most of the week with the sun peeking out briefly, and some rain, it's been WARM!! Not hot, but warm!! Like a comfortable sweater, or a hug, or a home of someone you dearly love!! It's been awesome!! There have even been moments of HUMIDITY!!!! AHHH!!!! Which makes me SO happy!!

• I'm adjusting better to my gluten free life. And THAT is exciting!! Do i miss bread, and the ability to run through a drive through real quick at Cook Out and grab a burger? Sure. But I'm doing better. I've been researching a lot of different recipes and ways to have what i love, but make it safe for me to eat. Going GF has also hit my appetite in a fabulous way!! I'm just not as hungry anymore. Considering what it was, this feels pretty good. It's a nice "side affect" to being GF. And soon, I'll start SEEING that "side affect", which I'm certainly looking forward to!!

Once i started thinking about what was actually going on in my life with positivity, i started realizing all that I had to be so grateful for, and stopped being so grumpy!! Which is something we all should do more often. I do try, but some days it's hard to keep that positive thought going for the entire day. I can always think of good things i have and reasons i feel blessed each day, but then i move on. I lose that thought and can often get down in the dumps or just not feel as peppy. 

Try this for yourself today. Ask yourself "how are you?" and really give it some though. What do you have going on in your life that you're happy about? Excited about? Thankful for? Make a list. Be descriptive. Put it on the fridge so when you need it, (or share it in the comments below!) you can read that list and it'll bring back that spark in your eye!! Believe me, a spark is a beautiful thing!! 

The Proposal

So yesterday it hit me why I've been so...ok i guess we can call it negative. Which i really hate that i get like that. I try to always find a silver lining to things and be in a happy place. Life is too short to be so nasty all the time. But it happens. I suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder back in Oregon as we rarely saw the sun during the winter. So when i moved to North Carolina and the sun was out more, even on cold days, i kinda forgot about it. But it hit me yesterday...that's been my problem! This winter has been a bit more gloomy than I'm used to. But clearly, I've not been getting enough vitamin D from those yummy sun rays! So being out in the precious sunshine yesterday was great! I even have a very pink nose to prove it!

So after figuring that out and then realizing that the last couple posts weren't very upbeat sadly, i decided i want to share a wonderful day back in October that changed my life. The proposal!

Brooks' parents go to the Outter Banks every year for a week in October. And we've always been invited, but since i was in school the last two years, it never coincided with my fall break and missing studio classes for even a day was a lot to bear. So we never went. That changed this year since I'm no longer in school. And since Brooks had vacation time, we decided to go for it! We were going to be at the glorious beach for a week!! I was more than a little excited!!

We got up early, packed up the truck and off we went! First stop of course...Starbucks! The drive was long, roughly 5 1/2 hours, but well worth it! And to me, a car ride that's 5 or 6 hours is nothing compared to the long 15+ hour days i spent driving across the country. My 5 year anniversary of that trip out here would be during this week at the beach, so i had even more excitement! But by the time we got there, i had totally forgotten about it. Brooks, i would discover, hadn't.

I thought he was being cute...sun
was in his eyes.

The first day was getting settled into the house, pouring a drink, lounging on the upper deck and relaxing. We were there with 7 other people besides ourselves (Brooks' parents Sherrie and Brooks Sr., Jack & Caroline, Debbie & John and Brooks' godfather Howard). Which was awesome!! It was nice because there was a large group and everyone, or every couple, took turns cooking dinner each night. So when my day came along, i was in my element!!

The little crab fellow

The first couple days at the beach were relaxing and so wonderful!! Very needed!! We took long walks on the beach, ran into a few friends from Greensboro along the way, found a crab...which i whisper-freaked out about!! I'd never seen a live crab just walkin around on the beach just chillin before!

Oregon Inlet...which i found,
HILARIOUS!! 

By the time Tuesday rolled around, i was ready to go exploring! We couldn't have picked a better day for it! It was in the upper 70's, warm and sunny!! Brooks and i drove up the beach, stopping along the way at the lighthouses of the Outter Banks, photo ops, and random places. We went to the Wright Brothers Museum and spent a good couple hours there. Brooks has a passion for planes, and while i don't...(i hate to fly) i enjoy the fact that he does, plus I'm a huge history buff, so this was a fun stop!! We read all the info on the walls, and as i read quote after quote, i began to cry. I get like that when I'm standing in a historical place. And this was a pretty magical historical site!! We walked the length of the grounds where the first flights took place. Again...some tears (i can't help it!). We hiked up to the top of the monument and looked out on the view of Kill Devil Hills. We got pics of the sculpture of the Wright brothers first flight as well. It was great!!

Where the Wright Bros. took
their first flight

Currituck Lighthouse...

The painting i did of Currituck Lighthouse...based
on the pic above

We got back in the car and kept driving north. We were heading to Currituck Lighthouse. Which in October is the only lighthouse you can actually still walk up to the top of. When we got there i decided i needed to test my blood sugar to make sure I'd be ok to walk up that many stairs (9 flights) without passing out or getting to the top and having to rush back down. It was low and all i had on me were a handful (like literally 10) M&M's. I ate them, but was still hesitant since it would take more than that to get to a good level.

We got to the entrance of the lighthouse and on a sign it said what the fee was to go in. We had $3 cash on us, and a debit card. Which on the sign, said they didn't take. Brooks started sort of freaking out. Which i found strange, but let it go since i was still kind of low. He then shrieked at me and said, "WAIT!! DID WE BRING THE CHECKBOOK?!" to which i replied, "Yea, because everyone brings a checkbook on vacation. No love. Sorry". He was panicking and started to get really bummed out. Which did seem strange, but again...low blood sugar didn't help me realize it until later. At that point in the day and after all that walking in shoes without socks, my blisters had blisters on them and my legs were killing me from the long walk on the soft sand the day before. To be perfectly honest, i was ready to go home. So i asked him, "Is it really that important that we go up?" Brooks shrieked again, "YES!! The view is AMAZING!! Think of your pictures!!" He had me there. I'm a scrapbooker. Dammit! So i suggested we go back to the grocery store a couple miles back and get some juice for me, get cash and come back. That seemed to alleviate some of his odd hysteria.

The last pic i would ever take of my
boyfriend Brooks

A very winding 9 story staircase

We got back to the lighthouse, and met a lovely little old lady who took our money for the fee, and handed us an info pamphlet. I told her about how i wasn't sure about these stairs. Another woman who had just come down heard me and said, "Don't worry. It's not that bad. If i can do it, you can do it!!" So up we went.

It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, but i was walking up each flight kinda slow. My legs were super sore from walking on the beach the last couple days, plus all the stairs a couple dozen times a day. Out of shape, i was!! Lol!

We got to the top after what felt like a million stairs, and as i walked out the door at the top, i was blown away! The views were stunning!! The pics don't do it justice!! Breathtaking is a severe understatement!!

The view!! Pics don't do it justice!! It's AMAZING!!!

I had been standing in one place while Brooks walked around the deck. I just couldn't get over how gorgeous it was!! Now i was very glad that we didn't turn back and instead went to get cash.  All of the people who were on the deck when we got there had left, so we had the entire place to ourselves to take it all in and just enjoy in peace. Brooks took me to the other side to see that view, which again...STUNNING!!!

We stood there for a moment in silence. Listening to the far off waves, the wind and the birds. Brooks took my hand, kissed it and said that he loved me. To which i replied that i loved him too. Still holding my hand, he kissed it again, which wasn't out of the ordinary. He does that. But then, he bent down on one knee!! I shrieked, "OH MY GAWD!!" And in my head, i said to myself, 'Ok, shut up!! You need to stop talking so you remember this...silence!!' He didn't have a big long speech, which was fine by me as it was so shocking to me that this was happening, that i wouldn't have remembered all of what he said anyway! He had a simple question, "Will you marry me?" I burst into tears, and without a second of hesitation, said "YES!!"

I SAID YES!!!!!

When we finally headed back down the winding staircase, i was giddy! I couldn't believe he had just proposed ON TOP OF A LIGHTHOUSE!!!! WHO DOES THAT?!

We got to the bottom and i told the lady who had taken our money about it. She told us that there have been a good many proposals on the top, and she loves hearing about them. Then she gave us stickers that showed we had climbed Currituck Lighthouse and headed on our way. 

We took a few more pictures before heading out of the gate. We made a brief stop at the restrooms before heading to the car. I came out of the ladies room and Brooks was waiting for me, doing something on his phone. He looked at me and said, "Well. That's done!" I said, "What, the proposal?" to which he replied and said, "No. Telling everyone on Facebook!" I was stunned! He doesn't get onto FB much anymore, and i had actually thought we'd call some people first before we announced it on social media, like my mom and his grandmother, and my sister...but i went with it and updated my status as well. Then we headed back to Avon where 7 anxious people were waiting for us.

On the way we made a couple more stops. One at a very delicious wine and cheese store called Trio. If you get to Kitty Hawk NC, do yourself a favor and go there!! They have an amazing selection of wine, beer, glassware in every shape, color, size and price as well as a bistro! In addition to the aforementioned items...they have this cheese counter that is....just WOW!! It's huge! And they are so kind and will let you try any and all the cheese you want so you can decide on which cheeses to buy! And they take their time...no need to rush you out the door. They like talking about cheese as much as i like eating it, so this was a great stop!! After purchasing some wine and cheeses, we went on back down the road. Our last stop was at the grocery store for champagne to celebrate. I know good wine, but champagne isn't my forte, so cheap is fine by me. It was about this time that it had hit me...almost 3 hours later, that i no longer had a boyfriend. I had a fiance'!! I was engaged!! ENGAGED!!! To say i was happy...yea, that just doesn't cut it. 

When we got back to the house, we brought all our stuff in from the truck, and headed up to the third floor where the living room and kitchen were. We walked up that last flight of stairs and walked into everyone getting ready for dinner. Excitement ensued!! We popped some champagne and toasted with everyone.

Then i heard the rest of the story...

So the day before, Sherrie went with Brooks to run to the store for a couple small things for dinner. Apparently they had a chat and he told her his plan. She was the only living soul who knew what his plans were that next day. See, the day he proposed...the 21st of October, was my 5th anniversary of leaving Oregon for North Carolina. I had always celebrated that day. Usually to myself. A silent toast, or just a day remembering the trip out. It was the day that i had finally taken control of my own life for the first time in 30 years. So it was a big day to me. And Brooks had always remembered that. The year before i made mention of it, and somehow he had logged that day in his memory bank. Once we knew we were going to OBX for the week and my "Greensaversary" would fall during the trip, he started planning.

Before we left that morning there were 3 trips back into the house for things. The first time it was the phone charger, the second was for Sundrop (if you aren't on the East Coast, you're missing out!! Best soda EVER!!!), and the last trip took me back to the kitchen/living room looking for my sunglasses. We had made it to the end of the street when i realized i needed them. I'm super sensitive to the sun so i can't go far without them. Even in the winter. Brooks backed the truck up, and i ran up the stairs on the outside of the house to the third floor. I heard excited chatting inside, but didn't pay attention to what anyone was actually saying before bursting through the door. The chatting stopped instantly. The ladies all looked at me and Sherrie shrieked, "Now what did you forget?!" I laughed, and said i couldn't be out without my sunglasses and i had no idea where they were!! Found them on the table by the couch, and went running back down the stairs, yelling goodbye...for the 4th time that morning. Seems the ladies, (Sherrie (Brooks' mom), and our friends Caroline and Debbie) had walked in on Brooks Sr. & Sherrie whispering and grinning earlier in the morning as she had told him what was going on, and they had figured out what was about to happen. So they were all talking about the news that Sherrie had found out the night before. They were all very excited! Good thing my hearing isn't very good!!

ALLLLLL this to say...October 21st i now think of in a different way. Taking control of my life, led me to the greatest love of my life!! And for that...i am one very thankful and lucky girl!!

Currituck Lighthouse will forever be "our" lighthouse.

The next day on Ocracoke Island the next day.
We both felt like crap, and were cold, but i love the
look on Brooks' face in this pic!!